Life In & Around Memphis

Quick notes

2009-03-10T21:36:00.003-06:00

A few things I've learned lately:
- if you are into the whole "brunching" thing but you don't want to go to certain locations because they only have buffets and you don't want to serve yourself...you might be a little too high maintenance. You know who you are and you know I love you, but come down from your throne your majesties. A buffet is not beneath you.
- just because someone is "friends" with someone you know well on facebook, that does not give them an automatic character reference. Be careful.
- if you don't blog for a long time, most of your friends who read your blog will stop. When that happens you can start dishing stuff again. (I like that one)
- there should be a moratorium (sp?) on drama. Example: woman I know (won't say how or who, but you don't know her) has been telling me drama about some dude she met and had 1 date with. I think having to hear about your drama for three days where you won't do anything to stop the drama (or resolve it) is bullshite. You need to fix yo' life.
- if anyone ever tells you they are looking for an LTR on the first date, that's probably not a great sign. (Btw an LTR is a "long term relationship")
- if someone says they are Christian but keeps talking about their "witch" friends, run. Just run. I think that's pretty self explanatory.
- be wary of someone you have an entire conversation with (longer than 10 minutes) but he/she doesn't laugh or tell a joke. Probably not a fun person to be around. Generally they will have a one track mind. Seriously how does someone not laugh during a conversation. A social conversation. Especially when everyone else is still telling funny stories and laughing. Is there a proper way to call them out and say "Yo dude/chickie, you are allowed to laugh."
- you can put "dude" or "chickie" in a blog post, but if you slide that into polite conversation often, I will make fun of you.
- when you are on a first date with someone and all they can talk about is how much they can drink or how once every 2-3 months they get so drunk they fall and bust their nose open, they might be an alcoholic. They'll probably be fun to date for a bit, but I wouldn't go long term.
- being a Godfather rocks!
- if you put a pic of yourself with your Godchild on facebook expect everyone who isn't in touch with your life to think you're a new parent. Even if you put all the pics in a folder marked "My Godson"

That's all for now. I had some more social ones that I just can't remember all of a sudden.

Just remembered it!
- if you are worried about your appearance, maybe you should stop tanning yourself three times a week and walk your fat ass around the block a three times a week. Now that I work in Desoto County, I see all kinds of women who are REALLY out of shape and are terminally tan at the same time. I mean they are darker than my boots. Listen folks, tanning does not count as exercise. And no one is going to want to be with someone with the skin of a 45 year old when they are 30. Just putting it out there.

Polar Bear Plunges around Memphis

2009-01-27T18:57:00.004-06:00

Are you looking for something really interesting that you've never done before? Might I recommend crack or meth. Not interested? Good, because I hate crack heads and meth heads. But here are two events that are similar in nature but in different areas of the city that might catch your eye. They are Polar Bear Plunges. Basically they are fundraisers for different causes where you the willing participant will jump into an outdoor body of water. Sound decent? Well this is in February. Yeah, it's going to be cold.

The first one is downtown at the 10th Annual Polar Bear Plunge and Chili Cook-off down at Mud Island River Park on Saturday Feb 7 at 2PM. It benefits the Torch Run for Special Olympics. You have a $50 entry fee. I believe you can raise the money by having people pledge X dollars so you'll go freeze your ass off for a quick dip in the Wolf River. But hey, don't worry, I'm sure the cold has killed/neutralized all pollutants that this fair city has dumped into the river.

The second is in Collierville at the YMCA at Schillings Farms out there. It's Feb 14 at 10:30AM. Of course that raises money to help the YMCA teach children how to swim (if families can't afford it, they will help cover the cost through fundraisers like this).

Take a look at those. They might be something you might want to try. I did the one in Collierville last year and had a blast. Of course I thought I'd be "Billy Badass" and it would be no big idea. Unfortunately for me, I was no badass. I jumped in and quickly had to rely on my instincts. I turned around and tried to get out of the pool as quickly as possible. But it was really badass. I am definitely doing it again. I recommend one or the other for you.

Speed Dating in Memphis or Nashville

2009-01-27T18:32:00.003-06:00

Are you tired of the BS in the dating scene in Memphis? The immature people. The games. Probably not, but I did get this emailed to me by Rachelandthecity. So I thought I'd pass this along to all of my 5 remaining readers. I'm sure everyone remembers reading about the miracles of speed dating from a few years back before they just disappeared. No, you don't? Oh well, at least you remember it from The 40 Year Old Virgin. So if you're interested in meeting someone new OR you just want to tell everyone you meet that you're Dr. Mantlebaum or Gina ("Hey, sup?"), check this out: www.meetfundates.com.

I read the site and apparently it's for Memphis AND Nashville. There are 4 upcoming events in Memphis: Jan 28, Feb 7, Feb 11, and Feb 21.

Spalding! Noooooo!!!!

2009-01-22T23:45:00.002-06:00

Last week I had a Caddyshack moment. I was swimming laps at the gym in "Cowtown" when I noticed the majority of the people in the pool were getting out. I didn't think anything of it and kept swimming my laps. Around the mile and half mark, a guy from the lane next to mine was standing on the edge of the pool motioning for me to stop for a second. He said that I probably would want to get out of the pool as someone got sick on the other side of the pool. I quickly climbed out of the pool and said absolutely. I didn't hear the lifeguard's whiste because I swim with ear plugs.
Anyhoo, as I am walking towards the sauna, I pass the lifeguard. I said "too bad someone threw up in the pool. How long until it reopens?" He said no one had thrown up in the pool, but some neglectful parent didn't put a diaper on their young child. He didn't go into any more specifics and really didn't need to. Some jackass parent didn't put their kid in a swimming diaper and the little tot left a "baby ruth" in the pool. Of course the lifeguard had fished it out with a bucket, but it really makes you wonder. Are people really this stupid? If your kid isn't potty trained yet, how can they just get into a pool or anywhere else without a diaper.
Anyway, I played the part of Spalding from Caddyshack: I didn't realize what was going on and kept swimming. The good news is that it was on the other side of the pool from where I was swimming laps and the lifeguard had already removed it from the pool. Kinda gross huh?

The Pages Practically Turned Themselves

2008-12-31T17:43:00.005-06:00

So this year (2008) I spent a lot of time reading. Specifically I spent my lunch breaks reading. At the last job and the current job, I have an hour lunch break. I would usually go somewhere by myself and read while I ate my lunch. Some places are generally more conducive than others. But I was able to get a ton of books read. Most of them were books I had heard were good. Some I just knew I wanted to read them based on the subject matter.
The biggest influence on particular books that I chose to read were Drake and Zeke on 98.1 the Max. They discuss a lot of great books and writers. They even interview them. So I thought I would post a list of the books I read this year in no particular order.

Motley Crue The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band by Motley Crue members with Neil Strauss - kinda dated because it came out in 2002 before they got back together, still a great book though

Cash (the autobiography) by Johnny Cash - great book, Johnny Cash is surprisingly honest about everything

Inside Delta Force: The Story of America's Elite Counterterrorist Unit by Eric L. Haney - great read, not like other military books I have tried to read

Ghost Soldiers and Blood and Thunder: The Epic Story of Kit Carson and the Conquest of the American West by Hampton Sides (Hampton is from Memphis and went to MUS for high school) - both are great reads. I highly recommend them.

The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway - classic book, but it is very slow. I hated when there were conversations between characters and Hemingway would put line after line without saying who said what. If you weren't paying attention, you might get lost.

The Tao of Willie: A Guide to the Happiness in Your Heart by Willie Nelson with Turk Pipkin - Absolutely great book. Definitely will give you the attitude that Willie has about life, love, and everything else.

Marley & Me by John Grogan - yeah, I cried. If you read this book and don't cry, you have no soul. But beyond crying at the end, I laughed the whole way through the book. Great story even if you aren't a dog lover.

Ghost by Alan Lightman - a book that was recommended highly by Drake and Zeke. It's one of the first ones I read in 2008. Very weird, but very good.

Tales from Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett - I read it this summer. It's the third time I've read it. I just wanted a book that I didn't have to do much with when I read it. I think it was a long weekend at the lake. Still a good collection of short stories. Jimmy has a good imagination, but so much of it clicks back to his songs.

Ronnie by Ronnie Wood - for those of you who don't know, Ronnie Wood is the rhythm guitarist for the Rolling Stones. I read this book and loved it. I was inspired to get this after reading Clapton by Eric Clapton at the end of 2007. Shortly after I finished this book, I saw on CNN.com that Ronnie had checked into rehab. After reading this book, I can understand why.

Chronicles: Volume 1 by Bob Dylan - Great book. It's not really a full autobiography. Bob takes points in his life and discusses them at length while invoking flashbacks to other times to give some backstory. Great read.

Slash by Slash with Anthony Bozza - one of my favorite autobiographies I read this year. Really sheds light on the early days of Guns N' Roses. But what really stuck with me was the description of drug problems. The night he was doing 8 balls at a resort in Arizona after Use Your Illusion came out was unreal (not sure if he was still with GNR at that point). He remembers it with such clarity that you almost feel like you are there with him. Very honest but very disturbing at times. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a rock and roll biography or autobiography.

Willie Nelson: An Epic Life by Joe Nick Patoski - great book. Anyone who's been around me in December has probably heard me talk about Willie. I will say it gets old after a while when they are talking about different musicians. And since he's still playing and touring even though he's in his late 70s/early 80s, it is a long book. Really. It's 494 pages. There were times when I was reading about the 1970s and I thought it would never end. But this is a great book about a great American man, and I would recommend it for anyone who wants a good read.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy - this is the last book I finished in 2008. It is phenomenal. My sister got it for me for Christmas. I was finished with it in two days. This is the same author who wrote No Country for Old Men and The Horse Whisperer so you know his general work. This is something I'm telling everyone to read. I would read it and really feel alone as I went along. Basic idea: it is a story about a man and his son trying to survive in a post apocalyptic world while walking down a road. Unbelievable. It is an amazing book. If you read just one book this year, definitely read this one.

So that's what I read this year. I may have left some off. If I realize it, I'll come back and add it later. I started Making Jack Falcone by Joaquin "Jack" Garcia. It is an autobiography of the second FBI agent to infultrate La Cosa Nostra. He infultrated the Gambino family in New York. Unbelievable read. I started it Monday and I am already on page 76. That's only from reading at lunch. It is a page turner.
Ok, that's enough for now. I'm going to get ready for NYE. Have a good one and get some on ya tonight.

(Editor's note) I completely forgot Boys Will Be Boys: The Glorious Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty by Jeff Pearlman - Unbelievable. Those guys were insane. Rule one I have for this book: do not let your kids read it. Rule two: if your parents are over 60 and a little too wound up, don't let them read it either. This tells stories of hookers, drugs, more drugs, more hookers, nudity and self gratification during team meetings, etc. This will scare you for life. But it's still a great book

Tamales - An Xmas Tradition

2008-12-24T09:29:00.006-06:00

(Editor's note: sorry, but I thought I posted this Christmas Eve.)

Years ago when I was in college, we went to San Antonio to visit my cousins for Christmas. Originally from Louisianna, they took to Texas like ducks to water. They picked up all kinds of little customs and what-nots. One thing they picked up was eating tamales on Christmas Eve after going to Church. Well we have picked up this tradition from them and brought it home. A few tamales and a few cold beers are always a great way to spend your Christmas Eve with family and close friends. Much better than a vegetable soup or something else like that. Of course being from Memphis, we prefer the Memphis/Mississippi Delta style of tamales. We as a family have been doing this for years now.

Earlier today I was explaining it to the girls at work. I mentioned Memphis/Mississippi Delta style hot tamales, and they had no idea what I was talking about. I was able to find two articles immediately online about this. One is from NPR and includes a link to a story they broadcast about it. The second is from Gourmet.com and is great. No one is certain how it came to the Delta, but I imagine

One of the best local places I ever found is in South Memphis at the South Memphis Grocery at Mallory Ave and Florida St. Obviously it's in South Memphis and isn't that safe, but the tamales are good to order and pick up. I've had the tamales at Blues City Cafe. They are pretty good. I wonder if there are a few other places that have good tamales around the city.

Hangover Season

2008-12-22T11:22:00.005-06:00

The Times Online (Great Britain) recently published an article that was linked onto digg.com. It's about hangovers and hangover cures. Kind of makes me think of the best ways to cure/handle/survive hangovers. Here are some of my favorites (not that I necessarily use them all):

1. Morning Delights/Wakeup Nookie: I know tons of people who swear by this. But I think the severity of your (and your partner's) hangover might limit the abilities/willingness to participate in this. Plus you'll probably want to brush your teeth before anything starts. I don't know if it would be the release of endorphins or the fact that it's a physical activity that gets your blood flowing (which would tie it into the next item), but it's supposed to be a crowd favorite.

2. Exercise: some people swear that working out (specifically aerobic) really knocks it out of you. I know that it does work depending upon the degree of your hangover. This past Friday I went to Johnny K's annual Xmas bonanza and then stopped by the First Annual Soulburger Xmas where Absinthe was put in my hand. Needless to say, I was a little hungover Saturday. But I had to get to the gym quickly because I had a wedding in Arkansas at 5PM (that is a story for another time). I swam a mile and felt great afterwards. Of course I chugged a bunch of water before hand. I even remember one of the movies I saw in high school about Steve Prefontaine where he had partied hard the night before and then woke up at 6 to go run. Of course he yacked before he was more than 10 steps from his front door. But I had a buddy who bragged about running 6 miles Saturday before last after being up until about 4:30 at Raifords. I don't know where the correct ratio is between the workout cure and the hangover severity. But I'm not going to be the guinea pig to test it.

3. Hair of the Dog: I've heard for a long time about the "hair of the dog that bit you" cure. I have friends who say "the best detox is retox." There is some limited truth to this. I believe that this works only if you are doing a multiday party like BBQ Fest or if you are in college. If you go out on a work night and use this as a way to survive the next morning, you have a drinking problem.

4. Water, BC Powder/Aleve/Advil/etc. : Ahh...the complete doctor's health kick. The recovery answer. The health thyself method. Basically this encompasses anything that you do health wise. Gatorade falls into this category. It works, but how well is still up for debate because it takes more time to work than #3. But the benefit is you might live longer this way. Or at least your liver might.

5. Greasy food: Kinda the opposite of #4 but just as important and successful. Nothing like a greasy hamburger or pizza to calm your rumbling stomach. Mmm...greasy burger. I don't recommend a typical fast food burger like McDonald's. I recommend somewhere with a real burger like Huey's, E&H, Belmont Grill, etc.

6. Sleep: Enough said. Unless you're sleeping in on the weekend, you always say "I need more sleep." I know this has been my mantra for too long. Hell, I say this when I haven't been drinking.

Then I read an article that the Telegraph (another British newspaper) published also linked to digg.com, but this was about how beer goggles last longer for women then men. I think men lose theirs a few minutes after...

Anyway, so what are your favorite hangover cures? Oh wait, I never blog anymore so no one really reads this. So if you stumble upon this in July 2009, feel free to comment.

Random Songs from the Ipod

2008-12-10T00:51:00.002-06:00

The following songs have been played on my Ipod while on random lately. These aren't all of them, but these are the ones that stand out.
Mike and the Mechanics - All I Need Is A Miracle
Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
Psychedelic Furs - Love My Way (live)
The Grateful Dead - Attics of My Life
Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!)
Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina
Dan Hartman - I Can Dream About You
Eminem - Guilty Conscience
Paul McCartney & Wings - Band on the Run
Prince - Gett Off
Bob Dylan - Obviously 5 Believers
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
U2 - Mysterious Ways
Coldplay - In My Place
Jesus Jones - Right Here Right Now
Glenn Frey - The Heat Is On
Eazy E - Gimme That Nut
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Tuesday's Gone
The Beatles - If I Fell
Level 42 - Something About You
Huey Lewis & The News - Heart & Soul
Eddie Money - Shakin'
Donnie Iris - Ah! Leah!
Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen

There's nothing particular about these songs other than I haven't had them come up in a while that I can think of. Just kinda random, but I like that mix.

Sore

2008-11-29T13:32:00.002-06:00

So I've been doing the swim thing like I said. But I came home from work so tired on Monday and Tuesday of this week that I didn't go to the gym. Well I went yesterday for the first time this week and swam 99 laps. That's 3 miles. I'm a little tired today. And I still have to swim today and tomorrow. Ugh. But, I am doing this! I am probably going to take a quick nap or something. I just feel a little worn down at the moment. And of course the gumbo I just ate and watching football probably aren't helping.
Anyhoo, I'll probably go out tonight too. I don't know where I'm going, but I want to do something.

Oh yeah, how about those Rebels? Egg Bowl champs! Hotty Toddy baby!

A little tired, but very proud

2008-11-15T07:12:00.002-06:00

So I am up way too early for a Saturday, but it's game day so I can't go back to sleep. In my last post I talked about the swimming deal I am doing at the Y. Well at that point, I had done week one and swam a total of 6 miles. Well during week two I lost my mind. I went Monday with the intention of swimming only Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday because I had plans Thursday through Sunday. That meant I would have to swim 2 miles each day. Well, I did it. That's right, I swam 2 miles (66 laps) on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then I had the Mpact wine tasting Thursday night in Midtown so I decided to drive downtown and swim at that Y before going to the party. So that put me at mile 7 for the week. Pretty impressive. Friday night (i.e. last night) I had family in town and we were going to the Rendezvous for some ribs. Well I decided to swim a mile at the downtown Y again. That made it 8 miles. Yeah, 8 frickin' miles. I honestly can't believe I did it. But it looks like my schedule may be full next week so that'll throw me off pace. I'm glad I got these extra two miles in.

OK, I need to go hop in the shower. Have a good one and Go Rebels!

Keep It on the Tracks

2008-11-10T19:13:00.002-06:00

So the YMCA is doing a "Keep on Track Through the Holidays" program in the aquatics area. You can choose one of three tracks and try to meet the swimming goal over the course of 15 weeks (Nov 2 through Feb 14):
1. Swim 1 mile per week totalling 15 by Valentines
2. Swim 3 miles per week totalling 45 by Valentines
3. Swim 6 miles per week totalling 90 by Valentines

I chose option 3. Yeah, 6 miles per week. If I swim only 3 days in a week, I have to do 2 miles (66 laps according to the chart) per day. I prefer to swim 4 miles and only do 1.5 miles (49.5 laps). After the completion of the first week, I have done 6 miles and lost about 4.5 lbs. Of course unhealthy eating over the weekend (or maybe drinking) packed 2 lbs back on this morning, but none the less, I'm back to it.

This past Friday we had our Ptolemy Fall Party. I posted the pics on Facebook, but I'll come back and post them here along with some Halloween ones whenever I take the time.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Ted, Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

2008-10-19T22:52:00.002-05:00

So last night I went to Ruthie's birthday party at Colleen's house. There was an eclectic group of people there to celebrate her (age unpublished at time of print) birthday. Due to several crazy things last night I proclaimed that I would actually blog about this.
Some were people she knew professionally and some socially. A large contingent of partygoers were watching the LSU at South Carolina football game. We were all intermingling while some people would leave to grab beer for a few people every so often. At one point Scottie Too Hottie and I were watching the game while discussing who-knows-what when this guy walked up and engaged us in a politely awkward conversation (we'll call him "dude" and imagine him with a French accent because that's how it was):
Dude: Are you watching the game?
Us: Uh, yeah.
Dude: I was wondering if I could change the channel.
Me: What do you want to watch?
Scottie Too Hottie: I bet he wants to watch Sex and the City.
Dude: Why would you think I would want to watch Sex and the City?
Me: We don't. He was just messing with you dude. So what do you want to watch?
Dude: I want to watch the UFC fight. I assume that you are not UFC fans.
Me: Well not on a Saturday during college football season.
At this point he left the conversation. He had a strong French accent, or so I thought (I later found out that he's Turkish or something). We were both taken aback. We paused before looking at each other and simultaneously asking "what the F was that about?" We passed this funny tale around among several friends in the immediate vicinity. While we were all basking in the crazy moments that had just passed, "dude" walked back into the room and started pushing buttons on remotes. At this point the crowd had enough. "Hey man" "What do you think you're doing?" "We're watching that."
After not finding the remote for the cable box, dude left the room only to return with Colleen. She helped him find the remote despite the general protests of...well everyone. He put it on the UFC fight. I left the room to grab a beer before I got really pissed off. When I came back the game was back on and Colleen was explaining how she couldn't understand what he wanted due to his (oddly generic European?) accent. She is one of those people who is too nice to tell someone a flat out no, so we didn't really fault her.
The majority ruled for the rest of the game. After the game was over, people left the TV room and dude ran to change the tv to the UFC fight. I went and hung outside for a while. I later went back in and hung out with dude to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is a big UFC fan as well as an ultimate fighter trainee. He was actually a nice guy. I guess that he just didn't know how to approach the situation. Still kinda funny.

Later on, I was outside when I witnessed a friend in trouble. While I was telling a funny story, she was being trapped by a poor, highly inebriated woman. She kept looking to our group where her boyfriend stood blissfully unaware of what was going on (sorry, dude, but it's true). Anywho, I walked over and offered to get them a beer (and my friend an out of the situation). I was quickly told that they were fine. While my friend was sitting there in horror, the poor drunk girl was leaning in a little bit further and further as she obviously conveyed what tough times she is going through or whatever. After a while, I went inside and found a friend of the second girl and mentioned that maybe she should go out there in a few minutes to pull the reins of her friend. The brother knew better he went to this girl and told her that she needs to take care of her friend before she really embarassed herself. She did this properly of course, and DG was taken home.

After the party had officially wound down, I went with the Brother, Natalie, Colleen, and Natalie from out of town to the Blue Monkey. It was a fun but rather uneventful time. There were stories shared and laughs among all of us. One funny thing was this girl in a Janis Joplin coat and a bare midriff playing pool. The immediate feelings around the table were along the lines of shock and awe before everyone agreed that she had the confidence and abs to pull it off.

The best part of our time at the Blue Monkey was the discussion about phone numbers. I'm not sure how it came up exactly, but one of the girls made the comment that her phone number in her dorm spelled 678-DORK. The brother said that his phone number spelled HOT-LOVE. The girls didn't fully believe it. I said "oh yeah, it's completely true." I explained the story about how we found out:
"We were at the tent for an Ole Miss game when one of our sister's friends was putting his number in her phone. When she finished, she sat quietly for a few minutes while the rest of us continued to chat and party. Suddenly, she said 'OMG, your phone number is HOT-LOVE.' She proceeded to tell us that she has this thing where she figures out what people's numbers spell out."
After I told the girls at the Blue Monkey this story, they believed that the Brother's phone number does in fact spell HOT-LOVE. Umm...I have a confession: it was a complete on the spot BS story. I made it up right then and there.
Girls, I'm sorry but when you each had that look of complete belief in such an obviously fake story, I couldn't come clean then. It's still funny as hell to me though.

Have a good one.

Soooooooooo y eah

2008-08-22T00:46:00.002-05:00

This is what the Romans call a drunk post. Tonight/today was an anniversary for a familial unit. That's why I blew off the Ptolemy member party AND the Ducks Unlimited meeting. So here I am after two and half bottles of wine and a few beers feeling quite good. I want to bitch about things, but I don't have anything to complain about now. So let's talk positive.
Tomorrow night is the muthafunking Phoenix Club's second annual muthafunking Luau Party. Saturday night is the Spirit of SRVS wine and beer tasting fundraiser. If I'm not at them, then a bigger, better deal has been found. But I doubt it.

Anywho, if you need some tickets, go to the Phoenix Club webiste and order some. Use me as your Phoenix contact.

Olympic Triathlons

2008-08-10T18:09:00.004-05:00

I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out when and where I can watch the Olympic triathlon races. It's so difficult to navigate through all the online stuff at nbcolympics. Well through msn I finally found when the women's and men's triathlons come on TV and where. Hopefully this will stay accurate:

The women's triathlon will be shown between 9PM and 11PM Central (my) time on Sunday August 17th on NBC Channel 5. I'm sure I won't be able to watch the entire race because they'll cut away to something boring like synchronized diving or swimming.

The men's triathlon will take place at 9PM Central on Monday August 18th. I don't think it's going to be shown on Channel 5 and I can't find where it will be shown on TV. It's getting pre-empted by other events like women's beach volleyball (which I watch), track and field events (which I may watch), and I have no idea what else. But since we have a better chance of winning gold in the women's than the men's, it's better to watch that I guess. It may be shown on MSNBC between 11AM and 4PM Central on Tuesday August 19th. Hmm...I guess I'll just TIVO that.

Another Race Done - FitCity Triathlon Recap

2008-08-10T17:02:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was the FitCity Triathlon at Herb Parsons Lake. I'm not sure exactly where it is though. Everything I saw said it was just north of Collierville, TN. But there were paramedics and sheriffs on hand from Fayette County (they always have paramedics at these races just as a precaution). After thinking it over, I think we spent part of the race in Shelby County and part in Fayette County.
Anyway, it was a lot of fun, except the hills on the bike were killer. I have been working on my biking and it still whooped me...ok, it flat kicked my ass. They advertised the race as a 1/2 mile swim, 23 mile bike ride (road), and 4 mile trail run. Let me tell you when I hit that 23rd mile on the bike and didn't see the park or anyone else, I thought I was lost. Turns out it was a 24 mile bike ride, and after I went so hard and fast on miles 22 and 23, I had hardly any energy left for mile 24. It was brutal and mostly uphill. I was about to turn around when I came around a corner in the woods and saw a family there. They cheered me on and said the park was around the next corner. I don't know how I kept going, but I did. Now I forgot my ankle brace so I didn't really run much on the trails which is good because I almost rolled my left ankle twice.

Here's the breakdown of my times:

First there was the half mile swim in the lake where you jumped in with a 5 second stagger start from a dock. Very weird but very fun. You had the option of diving or jumping. It was at a weird angle, but I dove anyway and passed the two in front of me in no time. My time was 17:09 which placed me 4th out of my bracket, Male Clydesdales all ages (Clydesdales are men who weigh over 200 lbs). There were 14 Male Clydesdales overall.

I had the longest transition 1 time out of my bracket with 4:55, but that's fine because that's better than what I did in the last one where I was 8:18.

On the bike I was 13th out of my group with 1:26:31 with a 16.78 average mph. That's good for me because in my last race, my average was 13.3 for a shorter distance. So my bike training has really worked for me lately.

My transition 2 time was 5:03. I still need to take off a few minutes, but I did take a hammergel nutrition pack and had to chug a bunch of water with it. By the way, the Banana flavored Hammer Gel tastes like monkey butt (the chocolate tastes bad too). I would have gone with my standard strawberry-banana flavored GU Gel which I like, but I went to the Ptolemy Prospective Member Party Friday night and had a few beers instead of being responsible and replenishing my stock of GU and electrolyte pills that I used up in bike training. Wow that was a long sentence that said probably nothing you cared about. If you don't like it, bite me.

On the run, I really walked a bunch because I was exhausted and every time I came to a water station they were out of water mostly. Plus my legs were killing me from the bike for the first two miles of the run. I was only able to start jogging again in the third and fourth miles. My time was 48:14 which I think is pathetic. I need to do a few things so I can start running a lot. I need to get some new damn custom inserts to prevent my shin splints from flairing up whenever I try to run. Anyway, I was 12th in my bracket in the run.

I like to look at my triathlons as a competition against myself. I tend to start competing during the race with people around me, but that's stupid. So I'm looking at a similar race for comparison from last year when I weighed less and was (supposedly) in better shape than I am now: the 2007 Tupelo King of the Hill. The King of the Hill was 1/2 mile swim, 22 mile bike ride, and 3.6 mile road run. I'm not really looking at the run as much because my legs cramped up bad last year due to dehydration. Anyway, here's the comparison
SWIM FC 17:09 / KH 15:55
T1 FC 4:55 / KH 6:58
BIKE FC 1:26:31 (16.78 avg mph) / KH 1:42:04 (12.94 avg mph)
T2 FC 5:03 / KH 2:49
RUN FC 48:14 / KH 45:19

It really looks like I have improved a lot. Especially on the bike where I was faster while covering more miles than the King of the Hill (and the Mighty Mite which was only 13 miles). So here are my goals to work on before next season starts:
1. Improve transition time
2. Improve running ability (i.e. get shoe inserts to prevent shin splints)
3. Continue to improve biking performance
Unfortunately this is really the end of triathlon season for me. I may do a few bike races or run races throughout the rest of the year, but football season is almost upon us and that means my weekends are about to be filled with partying. Then it hunting season and xmas party season. So it's going to be a while until the spring races start.

Have a good one and get off your lazy ass.

Thank you, Paul Ryburn!

2008-08-04T23:39:00.002-05:00

Downtown Paul, he of the more-urban-than-you crowd, has done a great service to this town. Hell, he's done a great service to most every town. He has built an online store for sexy Halloween costumes for (here's the best part) women. It's called Skank-O-Ween. I know you see several sexy women in sexy outfits at every Halloween party, but I have heard from many lady friends that its just to hard to find a mass collection of them to browse.

Here's an official salute to a man who has brought this town so many memorable things like Tube Tob Month:

SALUTE!!

Umm...no comment

2008-07-30T00:22:00.002-05:00

I've watched "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" recently. It's a great flick. I love the line when Mandy (Allison Eastwood) first meets John Kelso (John Cusack):
Mandy: Are you thirsty?
John: No.
Mandy: Well, if you're thirsty, a drink will cure it. If you not, a drink will prevent it. Prevention is always better than a cure. Don't you think?

Such a classic. It's so true although it doesn't just roll off the tongue.

Anyway, I'm really stalling for time. I'm putting off going to sleep because I'm wide awake. But I need to sleep...bad.

Screw it. I'm turning off the computer and closing my eyes. G'night.

Just kinda random post

2008-07-27T11:58:00.002-05:00

I was talking with a friend the other day. The topics changed easily until we landed on one in particular: why do bartenders seem to be some of the cooler people in town? We immediately differentiated between when they're working a with crowded house and when they're working with a few regulars. Of course when you're working with a crowded house (i.e. at Silky's last night), you're just trying to constantly fill orders, get the correct amount of money, and get them their change all while keeping the mob happy so you can make your living in tips.

Anyhoo, this got me thinking about all "my" bartenders from college until now at all my old haunts, and I realized that I have a very bad habit: I tend to fall for women who are bartenders. Not every woman who's a bartender, mind you, but the ones who are cool and will talk to you. I started to wonder why until the answer dawned on me. Women who are bartenders are usually attractive, they act as though they like to talk to you, and they have an endless supply of booze. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't those some important characteristics you look for in someone you'd be romantically interested in?

Unfortunately as I have grown older, you might say I've gotten a little wiser and started giving myself a reality check everytime I get the old feeling of admiration for a gorgeous girl who's serving me drinks. But damn, sometimes you just wish you were young and dumb still (although the fact I was talked into taking a tequila shot last night might say I'm still young and dumb).

I'm just putting that out there. Anyway, have a great one.

Songs on the playlist:
The Beta Band - Dry the Rain
Bob Dylan - Lay, Lady, Lay
Lyle Lovett - If I Had a Boat
Jack Johnson - Wasting Time
Booker T & the MG's - Green Onions
Jane's Addiction - Jane Says (live version from Kettle Whistle)
John Hiatt - Drive South
The Funky Meters - Fire on the Bayou

Great Party

2008-07-24T23:13:00.003-05:00

This is one of the top parties of the year. I highly recommend everyone go. If you need tickets email me at memphisphilip (at) hotmail (dot) com. I will have some as of Thursday next week.

Changes in Culinary

2008-07-23T23:22:00.003-05:00

Man I hope I spelled that right.

One of the things I've noticed in changing from working in Bordova (Cordova) to working in Corn Flake (Horn Lake) is the change in lunch options. I found some real jewels while I was in Bordova. One place that I already miss is Vanelli's Deli in Germantown (the only actual link I could find was their myspace page). I highly recommend it if you are ever in the area. They have a modest menu with a few options, but what they have is fantastic. I usually get the #1 sandwich (I think it's "the ami"). Or I would get the chef salad with their own Italian dressing. They also make real Italian dishes you can take home and heat. I haven't tried any of them personally, but I have heard they are amazing.

Now, I have found/been lead to some great places that are unique to Horn Lake. They are especially good if you don't want to deal with the traffic and chain restaurants. One place is Ponders (can't find anything on web really). It is a cafeteria with good southern/soul food. You can only go there so often because you tend to eat all that you can. Well at least I do.

I am going to do a little more investigating of the Horn Lake area and (when I feel brave) will venture into Southaven to see if I can find any gems there too.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Negativity

2008-07-22T23:39:00.002-05:00

So some negativity has decided to creep back into my life recently. It's basically a source of BS that I thought I had gotten rid of, but I was wrong. I'm not particularly sure how to get rid of it. It's like a remora. Everytime I think it's gone, it comes back attached to someone new. It really bugs the crap outta me, but there's nothing I can do. I know I'm being completely vague, but this is more for me venting about this. Anyway, the negative remora needs to go away. I'm not doing anything or saying anything about it. I'm just tired of my friends saying to me "Geez, I thought (negative remora) realized no one liked (negative remora). Why won't it just go away?" I gave up a long time ago.

Damn that feels good.

Quick Update

2008-07-21T00:13:00.002-05:00

So it's late at night and I can't sleep. I guess I'll do a little quick blogging...which I'm sure will turn into a long post.

First thing's first: I am no longer unemployed. I started a new job last week. It's great, but I'm not going to go into it. But I did have a nice 2 month vacation. I just wish I had done more while I was unemployed. I should have gone to the lake for a while or just gone to the pool. I really should have trained more though. I did the Mighty Mite triathlon this past weekend in Forrest City, AR, and I could tell I was out of shape. I mean bad. So I'm going to turn that into motivation to get my butt to the gym or riding my bike afterwork.

Let's see what else...there's nothing really. I have found that I've lost my desire to post pics on my blog anymore. It's really time consuming when you use blogger, because you can only add them one at a time. And blogger tends to add extra spaces/lines in between the pics so you have to delete the lines. If you don't have a lot of time on your hands, it can be quite a pain in the ass. But it used to be the way I would get party pics to my friends. Now I'm on facebook and it's easier. Plus a lot of my friends are on it too. I do like it better than myspace...well except for Mailbox's facebook page. He has way too much crap on there.

My new job is down in Horn Lake, MS. I'm really thinking of doing a "Best of Horn Lake Scenery" post, because I have seen some funny shit down there. Really detail jobs on piece of shit cars. Rednecks that you wouldn't believe. All kinds of strange stuff. OH! That reminds me. Thursday I was stopped at a stop light not really paying attention to anything else when I noticed a door open that belonged to the car two ahead of me and in the right lane (I was in the left lane). This girl who had to be somewhere between 16 and 19 leaned out and dropped a jumbo fountain drink on the ground. I know you're saying "well she just poured out her drink, what's the big deal?" No, she just dropped it on the ground: cup, drink, lid, and straw. Before I could even comprehend what I had witnessed, the light changed and traffic started moving. How the hell do you react to that? Well I had maybe a dozen ideas pop into my head of what I or anyone else should have done had there been ample amount of time. These are my favorites:
1. Walk from my car, pick up the cup, tap on her window and say "you dropped this" before handing it to her (I think that would be funny and convey the right message)
2. Pick up the cup and stick it under her windshield wiper (it would be funny and a little mean, helping vent the anger)
3. Pick up the cup and throw it at her windshield (definitely a little more rage filled but still good)
4. Pick up the cup and shove it in her car's tailpipe (if I or anyone else did this, we would need some serious therapy time with Dr. Melfi)
What do you think?

I did see the new Batman movie this weekend. If you haven't yet, I recommend going soon. It was unbelievable except for this old couple behind me who made comments to each other everytime something happened.

Speaking of old people, what is the etiquette with cougar cleavage? I won't say where it's happened, but there have been a few separate occasions over the last month where I have been in the presence of cougars with over-zealous plunging necklines. One time it was a gray panther (i.e. too old to be a cougar). Actually the gray panther was too old to be a gray panther. She was old enough to have great-grandkids. It was at a large cocktail party and she was talking to everyone (she was a friend of my friend's family member...long, long story). It begs the question: is there a statute of limitations on cleavage? How old is too old? Honestly I can't define the cutoff point, but I know she was about 20 years past it.

Ok, it's getting late and this probably should have been a few separate posts, but oh well. G'night.

Get Excited People!

2008-07-01T18:54:00.002-05:00

On digg.com, there was a link to the new trailer for the next James Bond flick, the Quantum of Solace. I'm posting a link here for you. It looks awesome! Hope you enjoy it.

Heed this Warning!

2008-06-26T11:10:00.001-05:00

Beware of this trend! If we find you wearing a shirt like this, we will laugh at you!

Shh...

2008-06-24T17:40:00.003-05:00

What's that sound? Oh yeah, it's me blogging. Sounds kinda funny. I've heard many times over the last month and half "why haven't you been blogging?" Well I just haven't felt like posting anything. A lot has happened since my last post. I lost my job and most everything I had in storage was stolen. I did get my truck fixed after the wreck I was in. I did the Memphis in May Triathlon which was 30.6 miles total on the Sunday morning after BBQ Fest. Overall a lot has happened and I've just been too focused or uninterested to blog it. Sorry. I'll try to get better, but I'm not promising anything. So to answer a quick question: no, I haven't gotten a new job yet. The job market is really tough and a lot of folks aren't even posting jobs anymore. FedEx.com took down the link to their careers page all together. There are a lot of really bad jobs on Monster.com, but I found that out the last time I looked for a job. Networking is working better for me this time. I have gotten a lot of leads through networking, so hopefully something will pan out soon.
That's all I'm going to do for now. Maybe I'll be back real soon.

Bar Advice

2008-05-08T16:16:00.003-05:00

What’s up drunks and lushes? I have a bit of helpful info to pass your way.

You know how our generation used to drunk dial from our cell phones before evolving into drunk texting? For the longest time drunk texting would get you one of two results: an embarrassing reputation or a fun evening. Well there is a bar that has added another consequence for drunk texting. If you text the number on the screens at Red Rooster, they will text you with drink specials and nightly themes all day long. How do I know? Because four guys I work with drunk texted the bar and for the last month or so have been dealing with a barrage of daily texts mentioning everything from Ladies’ Night to 2 for 1 Well Shooters. It took several weeks of calling the bar before they were finally removed from the text lists.

So remember if you go to the Rooster to keep your thumbs off small buttons.

Recap

2008-05-05T18:52:00.007-05:00

I keep hearing this tap-tap-tap sound. What the hell is that?

Oh, right I'm posting on the blog. (I promise that will be the lowest attempt at humor in this post).

So what's going on? Well I did finish the 44 mile swim in 12 weeks at the gym. I feel really good about myself. I was talking with one of the lifeguards on Saturday. I told him I only had enough time to swim 1.5 miles but I still had another mile to complete before they closed the gym Sunday. He said why don't I just say I did it and come in Monday to actually do it. I told him I couldn't do that. I'm not going to cheat myself from this accomplishment. So I came in yesterday afternoon to swim my mile. Then I went home and rode the bike. I really need to do that more often because I am really not up to my form from last summer and fall on my bike. Why am I kicking my own butt on this? I'm doing the Memphis in May Triathlon. It's going to be the longest one I've ever done. It's on May 18. That's a Sunday. For those of you who aren't keeping score. That the Sunday of BBQ Fest weekend. That's the Sunday morning after my friend's wedding. I need all the training that I can get before I begin the week of decadence that is BBQ Fest.

Speaking of BBQ Fest I am on a team. I know it completely goes against the pre-BBQ Fest post I've done for the last three years, but I found a team with a bunch of my friends on it and I am lucky enough to join it. And they put me in charge of designing the team tshirt and coming up with the slogan (with help from my brother of course). No I'm not publishing which team. I don't want a bunch of random rednecks walking up to the door saying "yea I know that Philip fellar over thar from the interweb thingy!"

What else? I went to Little Rock for Mr and Mrs Mailbox's wedding. I don't think I can come up with some cut Hollywood/Celeb nickname for them. Sorry. Anyhoo, I'll post the pics on that later.

I went this past Saturday to Young at Art's Kentucky Derby Party at the Dixon. I had a lot of fun there and I learned an important lesson. Don't try to go drink for drink when you're not drinking the mint juleps. Most of you know I'm not a whiskey drinker. So I had vodka and cranberry. Well the bartender would fill the highball glass to the top for vodka and cranberry while the mint julep was half full (or half empty if you were drinking it). So I'm basically drinking everyone there two for one. Not good. But I caught my mistake and started to pace myself and I made it through the party relatively unscathed. Here are a few pics from the party. The first two are with Mendi and the last one is with Shannon the Friggin' D.

It was a lot of fun. Though the race was only a minute and half long, the crowd was really into it. Afterwards half the guys went to smoke cigarettes while the other half pretty much fell asleep where they lay. Of course most of the women there were ticked off it didn't last long enough where they could get anything out of it.

Wait. Was that a sex joke?

Other than that I'm just trying not to spend money right now. I have some bills to pay, and I'ld like to save a little money. Real boring right?

Oh yeah! I got into a wreck. Someone ran a stop sign and t-boned my truck. I'm OK. I have to have my truck repaired. No one was hurt in the accident and the other driver admitted fault...through his interpreter.

Well that's all I've got for now. Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Quick Bit of Bragging

2008-04-30T00:44:00.003-05:00

I'm finishing the swim challenge of "Swim to the River and back" at the gym. We are supposed to swim 44 miles between February 12 and May 4. Despite taking two weeks off, I have 2.5 miles left to do. I'll probably beat that easily. The good news is, I'm this close because I kicked ass last night and tonight. I swam 2.5 miles each night. That's 90 laps each night. 5 miles swam in about a 26 hour period. 180 laps in two nights. Needless to say, I'm a little worn out. And if I hadn't been distracted by the TV, I would already be asleep before now.

Anyhoo, I'm going to try to sleep now.

Is that Botox in your face or are you just unaffected by what's happening?

2008-04-21T16:43:00.002-05:00

Why do people tell me things? I was at a party Sunday when a friend of mine told me she got a shot of Botox in her forehead within the last month. She was getting a wrinkle in a strategic place in her forehead and although she is in her early thirties, the offer of free Botox paid by Momma was too much to pass up. The problem was, while I was making fun of her for getting the shot, I couldn’t tell that she was actually getting mad until she tried to kick me. Why not? Because she couldn’t furrow her brow to give me the non-verbal communication of “shut the F up! You are really starting to piss me off.” This made me laugh even more.

It reminded me of that episode of Scrubs where Dr. Cox’s ex-wife Jordan is called “ma’am” by a young hunk. She goes and gets her entire face injected with Botox and doesn’t move a facial muscle for the rest of the episode. Dr. Cox mocks her by requesting facial expressions: “show me happy,” “show me sad,” etc. When he gets to “show me angry,” she knees him in the crotch, all the while without make the slightest change of expression on her face. Thank God, that didn’t happen to me.

Anyhoo, as a regular reader of the blog I know she’s going to initially be mortified that I posted this. But since I’ve made it as vague as possible, she will be the only person who knows her actual identity.

Random Thought about...stuff

2008-04-09T00:55:00.004-05:00

So I was having a problem recently. Over the last year or so, I've had many friends go through divorce, file for separation, or end long relationships. Some of these people were married only a few years while others were together for a long time. This began to cloud my view of love and relationships. Questions began to surface such as "how can two people who seemed to be so in love everytime I saw them, not make it?" or "why do such good people have to go through such terrible situations (or why does such a great person...)?" Some of these marriages/relationships ended due to people growing apart while others ended due to infidelity (please note that I'm not being specific about any one friend's or friends' relationship; I have several friends whose relationships ended over the last year due to infidelity, both monetary and physical). I began to have a very negative outlook on love and relationships. Honestly it was depressing to think about these relationships ending.

Then something happened. I don't know exactly when or how, but I started to notice a few things. Other friends of mine are happy in love. They are getting married or celebrating anniversaries. Some friends are dating someone new and exciting. They have that special look in their eye. The look of hope and amazement. Many friends are having children. I was at a party recently and walked into a room to find two sets of my friends' babies eating in high chairs. I sat down and hung out with them for a while. They were just absolutely precious. They were so small and helpless yet so big and full of life. Their eyes would watch intently as I made faces at them before bursting with the expression of complete joy whenever I finally made a face they really liked.

The more I've thought about it lately, the more I realize that love is all around and is something remarkable. Sometimes people may grow apart or end their relationship, but it's nothing to get down about. There is still a chance for someone to find someone who they love and loves them. You just have to keep looking in the right directions. I feel sorry for my friends who have to go through the rough stuff. Sometimes something good has to end to find something great, I guess. But the best thing I can do is support my friends in rough times without getting drawn into the bad emotions of their situations. You can either be happy in life or sad. It's really what you focus on.

I know this wasn't probably what most of my readers come for, but it was something that's been mulling around in my head. I feel better if I can just put it out there. It's a little cathartic.

Take it easy.

Are you there Margaret? It's me, Philip.

2008-03-28T17:31:00.006-06:00

I think it's been long enough since the last post that it's time to give you a quick update before I run out the door. I'm going to do my first triathlon of the year. Yeah, I'm doing the Rebel Man Triathlon in Oxford, MS. But here are a few quick pics of what's been going down. This is real quick. Below are the major (read: blogworthy) events that I need to post. Other than these, I've been training for triathlon season and working.
Anyhoo, here's what's been going on:

Phoenix Club's Mardi Gras PartyA Carnival Krewe Coronation where I ran into Mr. Michael Donahue.

I went to the Ptolemy Coronation. Here I am with Queen Shady Hasbeen. (I know it's kinda hard to title her "Queen" and "Hasbeen." She was a Hasbeen because was a EX duchess. Now she's the Queen so I have to adjust her nickname...maybe).Oh yeah, the brother and I went to New Orleans for Mailbox's bachelor party. And this is what happens when you mix New Orleans Hand Grenades, beer, bourbon, Jagerbombs, and other adult styled beverages with the bachelor's ego. That's right. It's time to go home at 9PM.

So there's more to come...someday.

Take it sleazy.

Phoenix Club Mardi Gras Video 1

2008-02-21T23:47:00.004-06:00

Here is the first video I have from the Phoenix Club's Mardi Gras Party last Saturday night. The band was U.S. They told the crowd they don't do "Come On Eileen" anymore, but obviously a young lady on the front row convinced them otherwise. The girl blowing a kiss at the camera is my friend Cindy and that's her husband next to her, Jake.

To The Ladies

2008-02-09T12:23:00.000-06:00

To the ladies out there from all the men:

What Will I Be?

2008-02-09T11:51:00.000-06:00

Every child wonders what they will do when they become grownups.

I'm not going to give you a title

2008-01-28T23:29:00.000-06:00

So it’s Monday January 28th and I’m a little down. Duck season is over after finishing the final day in a “freezing fog” hunting south of Jonesboogie, Rockansas. Still not sure what “freezing fog” is. The only explanation I can come up with is based on my experience yesterday. Standing in the fog, you couldn’t see twenty feet in front of you. Driving was just as much fun. The turn off the highway was so obscured that I almost missed it. Not fun. That’s not exactly a definition of “freezing fog.” That’s the description of the intensity of that fog. Wait, can fog be intense? Imagine the Macho Man Randy Savage as a fog. That’s the only way I can see an intense fog. Anyhoo, the freezing part came in when the moisture of the fog froze on contact with anything. Not like freezing dew on the ground. This froze both on top and on the bottom of things. It was weird. But we still got a few ducks. It was a weird hunting season.

What else is going on? Well I have officially started training for triathlon season as well as other athletic events I’m planning on doing this spring/summer. I have the Memphis Mile Swim on February 10 and the Germantown Half Marathon (if I can do it) on March 16. The Rebel Man Triathlon in Oxford, MS, is March 29. No races in April yet. I have the Memphis In May Triathlon on May 18. For those of you taking notes, yea that’s the Sunday after BBQ Fest weekend. How awesome is that going to be!!! I already feel bad thinking about it. But I may not have to worry about BBQ poisoning the night before the race, because a friend is getting married Saturday night of BBQ Fest week. Calm down. I know you’re shouting “someone’s getting married on BBQ Fest weekend!!?!? What are they thinking?” But I’m sure she has a rational explanation. I don’t know what it is nor could I come up with an explanation (I just know I’m going to get a hateful email for this). But for me this is a blessing in disguise. I’ll go to the wedding (assuming I’m still invited now) and reception, then I’ll head home early to get a good night's sleep.

As far as my training, I'm doing over three miles a week in the pool. I would like to start running in the next week or so, but I've been swimming so I can drop a little weight before running really. A good friend of mine has run a few half marathons and he said the best way to start is do 2 miles 2 days a week and then do a longer run on Saturday or Sunday (like 4-6 miles) and then increase my distance over time. Sounds like a good idea so I'm going to try that. I'm sure I'll need to go get new shoes. And I'm really putting off visiting Campbell Clinic. Nothing's wrong. I ran cross country for four years in high school and developed shin splints at that time. The doctor at Campbell Clinic made custom inserts for my shoes which made the pain disappear over time. Now over the last decade or so (yeah, I graduated from high school ten years ago) whenever I'd start a heavy running regiment again, my shin splints would flare up again. It hasn't happened in the last few years so I hope I'm ok. It just really, really hurts. (skip to the next paragraph if you want, I'm going to describe how it feels to me) Imagine someone tearing the muscle away from the shin bone on the inside of your legs. That's what it felt like at its worst in high school.

Back to BBQ Fest, I'm joining a team. Yeah I know. I've spent the past two BBQ Fests advocating the wonderful part of being a floater. But I think I'd like to try and experience this from a new way this year. I'll let you know more details when I see fit.

This is the last bit before I go to bed. I've also been reading a lot. Hey, it beats watching that shitty show, American Idol. I won't get onto my rant about that though. Anywho, I just finished Slash's autobiography, Slash. I read Ghost by Alan Lightman and Clapton by Eric Clapton. I'm not sure what my next book will be, but it will either be something by Hampton Side, Pattie Boyd (Harrison-Clapton)'s autobiography Wonderful Tonight, or Nikki Six's autobiography The Heroin Diaries. I was turned onto the books by Hampton Side, Alan Lightman, and Eric Clapton from the Drake and Zeke show on 98.1 the Max. They do a great job of being both cynical and inspirational. Drake talks about a lot of books he reads, and that's where I've picked up a few ideas. It definitely helps clear my mind. I find that reading and exercising clean the cobwebs and stress out of my mind.

That's all I have time for today. Hopefully, I'll get to something else soon. By the way, if you've been waiting to see either Smokin' Aces, Norbit, or Children of Men on HBO or Skinemax, don't bother. They are all really bad. Children of Men could be good, but I'm just not in the mood for an apocalyptic film. I'm in too good of a headspace right now.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Brrr

2008-01-20T10:38:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm thinking of all I have to do today (move some furniture, swim a mile, and watch football at a friend's house). But I'm really lacking the motivation to get out of my bed. It's 23 degrees outside right now but feels like 14 with the wind chill. I think I'll surf the internet for a few more minutes.

Even my dog knows Tom Cruise is crazy now

2008-01-16T19:18:00.000-06:00

So I was listening to Drake and Zeke this morning while I was getting ready for work. It's a morning ritual. I listening to comical Zeke and cynical Drake. Their views on world and local issues are quite informative, overly cynical, and always clever. They have opinions on things that I agree with, including the refusal to report on the MOST famous trailer skank ever from Louisianna (Britney Spears).

So this morning they were talking about various topics they've found out on the web and one of them was this Scientology Indoctrination video of Tom Cruise that the cult had removed from YouTube and Google Video. Just watch it (just over 9 minutes) and tell me he's not crazier than Britney Spears.

Bama Women Beat Cocks Almost Single Handedly

2008-01-15T22:52:00.000-06:00

That's right folks. Some guy or girl named B.J. posted an article about women's college basketball in the SEC. Of course the title couldn't be simply and straight forward. It had to be a full on innuendo: "Hot Shooting Tide Women Beat 'Cocks"

I couldn't pass up sharing that with you.

Drunk on Scooter at Christmas Party, Part 1

2008-01-08T01:49:00.000-06:00

This is Part 1. Be sure to check out Part 2. It is the post below.

Be warned, this is unedited and probably not safe for work if you have speakers on. The next post might be a little better language wise, plus it is only one minute. There isn't too much in this one, but I wouldn't have it blaring over the office intercom or anything.

My favorite part is when I ask him for some words of wisdom at the end: "Words of Wisdom? Uh, stay in school and don't be like me."

Drunk on Scooter at Christmas Party, Part 2

2008-01-08T01:30:00.000-06:00

So this is actually Part 2. Be sure to watch Part 1 first. It is the post above this one.

In case you can't tell, this is completely unedited. And yes, this time he did it in honor of Sean Taylor. How wrong is that?

Merry New Year!!!

2008-01-07T23:30:00.000-06:00

That's right I said it: Merry New Year!!! If you haven't seen Trading Places with Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy, then you don't get it. And if you haven't seen that comedy, you need to get a serious readjustment to your movie viewing priorities. Forget going to see I Am Legend or Alvin and the Chipmunks (they probably suck) and borrow that damn film from any of your friends. They probably have it.

Anywho, I'm going to skip over a few things from November that although they are funny, I don't feel like taking the time to tell them. I'd rather get to the Holiday Season. Or if you are like many of us and hate living in a politically-correct world, the Christmas Season. There I said it. If I disappear, it's because the PC-nazi-police kidnapped me. If that happens, have a good one and don't get none on ya.

On December 1st I went to the Ptolemy "Holiday" Party downtown. After the party wound down, I went to Spindini with a group from the party. Of course I was still wearing my Santa hat which drew looks of shock and disgust from the pretentious crowd at this supposed downtown hot spot. I ask you, dear reader, how they can get away with judging my Santa hat while we can't mention the miriad of surgical accessories they were displaying, including but not limited to lifted/enlarged bossoms, tightened faces, tucked posteriors, enlarged big toes, hair transplants, and botoxed thumbs. I had a group of folks who were waiting for me in East Memphis at Old Venice Pizza Company. I headed that way to meet up with folks and catch the incredible Roxanne Lemmon. I used to live next door to her in Midtown and have been promising her for over two years now that I would get off my lazy ass and go see her live. I have to say it was well worth it. Anyway on to the pics from that night. I have only one pic from the Ptolemy party, and it didn't turn out that well. So I'm starting my second post in a row with a girl posing in a "Look at me!!! I need attention!!!" picture. This is Theresa (I think), and it happened to be her birthday that night Here's me with part of the group at Old Venice. And you can see the Santa hat too.

Here's the birthday girl again.

Part of the reason I got the pic with her Michelob Ultra is because that is a very important Ultra. It propelled me to the rank of "you're an asshole" status. Now I will admit that's a lot of responsibility for just one beer. Especially a beer as crappy as a Michelob Ultra. Let me explain: the bar was crowded and there were only three bartenders. Actually only two of those bartenders were attempting to work from time to time. So when they finally came to us, my buddy Sam bought a round for all of us. Despite the fact I heard him order the Ultra, the bartender never brought it. It took a few minutes for birthday girl to realize this. Then she started to ask why we all had drinks and she didn't. I turned and got the bartender's attention to order it because I was standing at the bar. The bartender brought it, and I gave Birthday Girl her beer. She looked at me and said something like "about time" with a bit of attitude. I let it slide for a second until she tried to snatch my Santa hat. When I sarcastically told her to say pretty please first, I reached the pinnacle of "you're an asshole" status to her. And I really didn't care. I just laughed every time I got the evil eye for the next thirty minutes. Then she finally forgot why she was mad at me.

Here's a pic later in the night. Nothing like shots on your birthday right?

Here's a pic of the Roxanne Lemmon Band. I personally call her Foxy Roxy, but everyone knows her as Roxanne. She's the one in the middle playing the guitar.

So that was the official kickoff for the Christmas Party season 2007. The next party I took my camera to was a Tacky Xmas party thrown by a couple of guys I went to high school with. You were supposed to dress up in really bad Christmas outfits. There were people dressed like Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. There were guys who went and got really tacky turtlenecks from the women's department at Wal-Mart. The ideas were hilarious. I spent more time drinking and talking than actually taking pics of everyone's outfits. But here's one couple. You can see his sweater but I didn't get a good pic of her outfit.

I ran into the "Fun Davis" sister. But after that night, we have changed her nickname to Dropsy...I think. She tried to give a friend a hug and dropped a beer bottle in the middle of the laundry room. I'd change her nickname to Spilly but that's reserved for the originally Spilly from my college days. Here's a pic of the guilty parties trying to clean up the glass next to the 5 gallons of eggnog. Yeah, it was strong eggnog.

Sorry some of the pics are blurry like this. Don't ever buy a Sony Cyber Shot camera. They suck.

There were a couple of girls in charge of the music with an Ipod outside. It was like listening to the thoughts of an ADD kid. One minute they'd put it on hip hop and then they'd put it on rock. But they finally landed on "Crank That" by Soulja Boy. Of course they knew the dance. I got a few pics of them dancing. These two girls actually did a good job.

Then this new girl jumped in and knew a little bit of the dance. That was the most comical part of the whole dance. She'd keep bumping into them and apparently doing it wrong, but she'd never stop and try to correct herself. Hey, everyone had fun so who cares right?

Everyone's favorite Memphis Celebutante Mendi was there of course. Here's a pic of yours truly with her. The antlers, sweater, and scarf are nice, but I wish I had a pic of her elf stockings. Those were classic.

We always have to keep up with our traditional shot pic. But there was nothing to shoot. Our drink choices were limited to wine, beer, and eggnog. So I chugged beer while she chugged wine.

This is a pic of one of the hosts, 3D. I'm not sure exactly what he was doing, but I think he may have had a spark land in his hair or something. They had two fire pits going, and that's really the only logical explanation I can come up with for this pic.

Here's Mendi again. No, Mendi! He's not a candy cane! That's just the wine talking to you!

No matter how gangsta you are, sometimes you just need someone's extra large glasses to make your gangsta image stand out that much more.

After the cops shut the party down (how old are we?), some the walking wounded including myself went to Newby's. Some genius (not me) said we needed shots. Some other genius (this was me) decided to buy a round of jager shots. Ugg. There were 12 of us. I bought 12 shots. And yet even though "everyone" took their shot, there was one left. Hmm...

No one was stupid enough to actually drink it so it was there after we left the bar. It was one hell of a party, and I'd like to thank those guys for having me there.

A few weeks later I went to a Christmas party thrown by a few guys from work. I'll post the video of this in my next post, but here are the Steps of Doom. There are two reasons for that name. For the first you'll need to see the videos. The second is because the damn bottom step was not as deep as it should be and the rest are very unsteady. So that makes walking up and down them very fun.

The last holiday party I went to was again downtown at JK's on December 23rd. I was probably the youngest person there, but it didn't really bother me because there were plenty of friends there. I had been hunting early that morning and the morning before in Tunica with Scottie Too Hottie (now known as Sloppy Scotty in honor of the appetizer at the Brookhaven Pub). Down on the farm there are several trees where mistletoe grows so one of the guys with us, Ford, shot down some. And when I say some, I mean a ton. Ol' Sloppy Scotty brought several bunches to the party and left them around the party. Most of us let them hang from our Santa hats. After most of the crowd started to leave, one of the guys hooked up his laptop to the stereo and they moved the coffee table from the middle of the living room. I'm kinda glad he did, but part of me wishes he hadn't. Why the conflicting feelings? Because although I said the girls above had ADD DJ syndrome, this guy actually did. He was HORRIBLE. He'd let 30 seconds of a song play and then skip to the next one. So you'd start dancing and then the music would stop. Everyone in our group was complaining loudly but he never paid any attention. He kept ruining the mood.

There were certain songs he'd play completely through though. One was that Soulja Boy song (twice in one post!). I tried to do a little bit of the dance based on what I saw at the Tacky Xmas Party (somehow the vodka I had been drinking messed up my good judgement). I was quickly told I was wrong by one of the women at the party (she's the second from the left in the next picture). The fact that she said it isn't that great, but the way she said it is priceless:

Her: "Look, you're doing it wrong. You have to do it like this." (she shows me)

Me: "I don't think you're right."

Her: "I have a 13 year old son. Trust me, I know this dance."

I really wanted to tell her that her son was born before I was even out of high school, but I really didn't want to ruin her Christmas by making her feel that old. So I just said ok and let her keep dancing while I stood to the side with my friends until the next song.

So we kept dancing. Sloppy Scotty put his moves out on the dancefloor. I have to say, no one will ever mistake him for Fred Astaire. Here's a pic of him with DD.

Here's the final pic I took that night. It's Ford and Brooks standing on the sidelines while all the old women were on the dancefloor going crazy for "Baby Got Back."

Despite what you may be thinking, I believe Ford is probably saying what the rest of us were thinking: most of those women didn't need to dance to that song and draw any more attention to their "backs." Btw we did have a nice conversation trying to figure which ones were cougars and which ones were future cougars (I told you I was probably the youngest person there).

I hope you had a fun Christmas Party season. I'll try to get the videos up tonight or tomorrow, but you know I can't promise anything.

Hello, Hello Again

2007-12-18T20:36:00.001-06:00

When we last left you, I had given you a slightly in depth of a few...well several drunken escapades during the fall. Let's pick back up around the Arkansas at Ole Miss game weekend. Remember our friend who had her 21st birthday and kept spilling her drinks during the Ole Miss v Bama weekend? Well she was a little more coherent and able to use my camera to take pictures for me this weekend. The problem is she thought every other picture needed to include her. I'll spare you the constant barrage of "look at me!!!" pictures, but I have to offer you the first one:
Look at me!!!!!

Anyhoo, we did get our pick together. Here's a few pics of tent regulars.

For some reason that weekend, the music at the tent began to change from a let's party to a more let's dance. And next thing you know we are all dancing. I mean everyone, from my sister and her college friends to my grandmother. We danced for an hour or so. You doubt it? Look even Scottie Too Hottie got down with people.

I did feel a slight bit of apprehension when I looked over and saw Scottie Too Hottie dancing with the sister. That's always a scary sight. We almost need to put up signs around saying "Beware folks, Scottie Too Hottie's on the loose."

Here's a pic of the sister taking a pic of S2H and a dance partner. Mailbox Mike tried to include himself in the best way he could. He gave bunny ears. Nice.

That was a wild weekend.

The next weekend I drove to Little Rock to catch a plane for a wedding in Houston. An old pledge brother who is from Houston was getting hitched to a very sweet girl. I had to be there. For the purpose of this post, we'll call him Bearcat. I've known Bearcat since I was a freshman in college around age 18. It was a blast. I tried to take pictures along the trip. Most of them are crap, but I have several worthwhile ones that I have to share with you.

I took off work Friday of that weekend. Problem was that I had started a few good nights of drinking Wednesday night with some friends. Of course that continued through Thursday night which was Halloween night. I never got any pics because I got all the way to the Lord T and Eloise show at Newby's before I realized the camera was at home. I will say I had a great time and didn't get home until well after 3am. What was my costume? The 40 year old virgin, post-wax. So you can tell how little sleep I had before I had to drive all the way to Little Rock to catch a plane. I did pass several tanks being hauled across the country. Here's a pic:

That weekend Steve Spurrier and his Fighting Cocks of the University of South Carolina were playing at the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville (pronounced "Fa-yaeatte-ve-yille"). The Gamecocks are known for having a fan base who travels in large groups.

Apparently they know puns in South Carolina.

Anyhoo, I caught the plane to Houston and hung out for a few hours until it was time for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I wasn't in the wedding party, but I was invited because Bearcat and I are good friends. Plus I'm sure they needed some sort of entertainment at dinner. We dined at a nice little Italian restaurant in the midtown area of Houston. There was cocktail hour on the patio beforehand. We had assigned seating at the tables and someone screwed it up...I think. Another friend of ours, TR, was seated at the table on the right side of the room while his wife had a seat on the left side of the room. There was a blank card next to TR which I found out was for me. I'm not going to let a man and his wife sit across the room from each other. She sat with TR, and I jumped down at a table where I didn't know anyone. I sat with several friends of the bride (whom I didn't know before dinner) and the cousin of the groom (also whom I didn't know). After a few moments of awkwardness we began to discuss...well, mostly the kind of BS you discuss with strangers at a rehearsal dinner. We started telling wedding stories. During this time, I noticed a slight variation in the group at our table. The majority of them (friends of the bride) were fresh out of college around the ages of 23 and 24. They had switched from their beers at the bar to the wine at the table (I took a sip and chose not to partake in the wine). The rest of the table, i.e. the groom's cousin and me, were older. I am 28, and she is...I'll be polite and say in her 40's. She stuck with her steady flow of Dewars and ice. I had a nice stream of vodka tonics in front of me. The funny thing was the "younger" crowd at the table was getting drunker faster than we were. Overall I don't think I could have had more fun at any other table. I told stories. I laughed at other's stories and jokes. Had an absolute blast.

At one point during the meal I see out of the corner of my eye, the bride's family looking at our table. They were pointing at me. You see, the bride met me once before this weekend at an Ole Miss football game at my tent. It was after the game and late in the afternoon so I knew she probably couldn't pick me out in a crowd. Her family was obviously asking her who was this guy that they didn't know. Which one of her husband-to-be's friends was this? Was he one of the wild ones they heard horror stories about? I turned to the groom's cousin and did a mock impression of the bride's family. I covered my mouth as if I were whispering to her and began pointing at each of them. They quickly showed their collective embarassment and tried to hide the fact they had been pointing in my direction. The groom's cousin and I got a big kick out of it.

After dinner and dessert, the party returned outside to hear toasts and then a slideshow of the bride and groom throughout their lives. It was really cool. After all that, the younger generation divided up to head out into the Houston area to continue our intake of libations. One group consisting of most of the guys (with a few of their wives) and the groom were heading to one bar. A second group consisting of the bride and all her college girlfriends were going to a bar called the Armadillo Palace. Guess where I went? Yeah, a few of the bridesmaids from my table grabbed me and said "you're coming with us to the Armadillo Palace!" So I piled with too many others into the back of a Toyota Four Runner. So here here I am in a suit and tie climbing into the back of an SUV like a drunken college freshman. Amazing how much I had regressed in one night. Or some might say I didn't regress that far. Anyhoo, as always, I had the camera ready for your viewing enjoyment:

At least I wasn't alone when I was crammed into the back of the 4Runner. My question is, do you think we could get a little more smile out of these two? There's too many teeth in that pic.

Bringing the shocker to Texas. I rock the shocker; they rock the horns and show gang signs.

When we pull up to the Armadillo Palace, there is a giant metal armadillo statue out front. Giant as in over one story tall. There was a damn good band playing real country music, not that fake shit that Nashville puts out. Sorry I didn't get a better pic of them.One thing I learned in college is that Texans are a proud people. They love their state. The rest of us love our regions. Texans have way too much pride. Need examples? Glad to help:

A lone star bathroom sink (notice the stars in the bowl)

The bar had Texas shit all over it. Here's a flag celebrating the different countries that have claimed Texas.The only disappointment about this bar was they didn't have a mechanical bull.

One of the things I learned while I was at this bar (besides the fact I can drink most of these folks under the table) was how to two step. Of course I have since forgotten it, but one of the bridesmaids was really enthusiastic in showing me how. Here she is.After a few of the folks were carried out of the bar to cabs, I hung out with bride and maid of honor. I'm not sure exactly what I was trying to get them to do, but they definitely were there to entertain.

After the bar finally kicked us out, I caught a ride back to the hotel with the bride and maid of honor. Of course I had to visit Taco Cabana on the way to the hotel. If you ever go to Texas, there are two fast food places I recommend: Taco Cabana and Whataburger. Both are open 24/7 and serve better food than you can ever imagine. Taco Cabana is what Taco Bell would be if they actually served real food.

We get back to the hotel with our TC and plop down in the lobby bar to eat it. For some reason the hotel's bar closed at 11PM while the real bars in town closed at 3AM. So we had all this food to eat but no libations. I went into the hotel shop behind the front desk to get some waters. What did I find but beer in the fridge. I politely convinced the girl at the front desk that we drink these beers before they go bad. She was kind enough to let us. We opened our beers, finished our TC, and said good night. Honestly, I think I had maybe a sip or two from the beer. I was so done drinking that I didn't need anymore.

The next morning I awoke with a wonderful hangover. I couldn't find a way to cure it in my room. I didn't have any aspirin or anything. I just slowly drank water until I got a call from one of the groomsmen. The groom's family was taking all the guys (and some of their wives) to Armadillo Palace for food, beer, and some pool. Like I always say, "the best detox is retox." We returned to the scene of most of the crimes from the night before and force fed greasy hamburgers to ourselves. After a few bloody maries and beers, the general mood of the group lifted as our collective hangovers drifted away. We watched some college football games while playing pool and shuffle board. The restaurant finally kicked us out just before 4 that afternoon because they had a private party coming in for the evening. As we walked out, I saw the party planners setting up this mechanical bull. I exclaimed how disappointed I was; I had been in Texas for just over 24 hours and I was finally seeing my first mechanical bull. I said I was unhappy because I was probably going home without the opportunity to ride the mechanical bull. The rest of my group really started to laugh when I said that coming to Texas and not riding a mechanical bull is like going to Hollywood and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

That night we went to the wedding, and it was beautiful. The reception was at the Petroleum Club at the top of the Exxon Building in downtown Houston. Here's a view of the skyline including the Toyota Center where the Rockets were playing a game:

I had a great time at the reception. The food was great except for the weird purple mashed potatoes. What was up with that? We danced and drank and laughed. Here's a pic of the single girls reaching for the bouquet:

There were only two girls who really were after it. It seemed like the rest were shying away from the bouquet. My kind of crowd. Of the two girls who were hunting for the bouquet, there was the first girl who actualy caught it. We'll call her the friendly bridesmaid. The other girls obviously didn't catch it. We'll call her the drunken, angry bitch bridesmaid (that's a fitting title for that night). When the friendly bridesmaid caught the bouquet, the drunken, angry bitch bridesmaid snatched it from her, stumbled a few steps backwards, and threw the damn thing back in the friendly bridesmaid's face. Hey! Here's a pic of her not long after that:

She passed out in the chair. It was probably a gift from heaven because after her stunt on the dancefloor, she was shunned the rest of the night. When she did try to be conscious, she would make futile attempts to speak to anyone in the vicinity. Of course her tone had a viscious, angst ridden bite and her words were so slurred that all you could decipher was "hey you." It almost made me want to say "honey, grab a cup of coffee and some guy or girl to help you work out this pinned up frustration. Are those words too big for you right now? Ok, then go get some." But I didn't know her or really care. So I walked away shaking my head.

For the final two hours of the reception, the younger generation had an ongoing debate over where we were going for the afterparty. Like I said this was a two hour discussion. Half the crowd wanted to go to bar A. Then it was bar B. Then some people wanted to go to a club. You know what kind of people you find at a club? Watch the new haircut video again. More than half us were against that idea. So this fuster-cluck continued. After the first hour, I hit a wall. I mean bad. I was tired and I really didn't want to deal with a bunch of ADD drunks who wanted to do this, then 30 seconds later wanted to do this. Now before we left one of the guys from Mississippi showed his dance moves to prove that we didn't need to go to a club, but to a bar:

Imagine Chris Farley dancing by himself and that's what it was like. We all went down to the bottom of the building and after we concluded that we were going to a certain bar, this one girl said she wanted to go somewhere else. So it continued. It was at this point that I lost my patience. I said goodnight to the group and explained that I had sobered up too much in the last two hours to start all over again at a bar. Despite their whining I headed back to the hotel which was only a few blocks away.

I'll spare you the whole story, but the walk to the hotel was interesting. If you've never been to Houston, it's a warm town almost year round. And seeing as there is a good climate, they have a large homeless and bum population. It is not nice. On my way to the hotel, there was this woman about a hundred feet behind me stumbling down the sidewalk. She was rambling out loud, obviously high. All of a sudden I heard certain words coming through clearer than others. Now I'm going to shorten the curse words, but you can get the idea: "GD white boy in his GD MFing tuxedo. Thinks he's hot shit. Yeah F you..." Then she trailed off again into incoherent words. For the record she also was white. I looked over my shoulder to make sure she wasn't right behind me or anything and saw some of the folks from the wedding party driving towards me. They slowed down and drove me the rest of the way to the hotel. I don't think the bum woman was going to do anything to me, but I was thankful I didn't have to walk the rest of the way looking over my shoulders.

The next morning I packed and caught a cab to the airport. I really wouldn't mention this, but I did capture a pic of the greatest mullet of all time:

How awesome is that?

Well that's all I've got for now. I'll try and get another post up soon to bring us to the holiday party season. I have a great video that I may just put up out of chronological order. Actually I think I'll just let that be a teaser for it.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Well Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

2007-12-18T20:20:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't heard, here's the biggest surprise of the year. The 16 year old sister of the biggest white trash star from Louisiana is preggers. I guess if you can't take the trailer out of a girl, you probably can't take it out of her sister either.

Yo

2007-12-09T23:18:00.000-06:00

I'm going to have some great stories to tell soon. But I don't have the time to do it right now.

By the way, I'm tired of people asking why I don't post daily like I used to when I was unemployed. I have a job and I've been a little busy. So stay patient please.

Oh yeah, if you're one of the many folks who got a call from me last night between 2 and 4, sorry. It was after last call and I wanted to keep partying. Since no one was being a night owl, I had to go to Alex's Tavern and enjoy some of Rocky's wings. But I'll have plenty of drinking stories in the near future. I'll have to do another "Best of" post in the next few days.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Don't you hate it when this happens?

2007-12-05T22:44:00.000-06:00

Drunken Challenge

2007-12-05T10:12:00.000-06:00

I hereby issue a challenge to all my sobriety challenged friends! See how much of this you can say when you are really drunk. If you actually want to make a game of it, you can use this point scale:

1 point for each item in the first group

2 points for each item in the second group

5 points for each item in the third group

You have to have a friend keep score though.

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

...

2007-11-23T15:02:00.000-06:00

I am at a loss for words. We lost to State after leading the game in every statistical category for more than three quarters of football. What the hell? The words that could possibly begin to explain the levels of frustration, anger, and total humiliation that I am experiencing right now are escaping me. I am emotionally drained. This sucks. At least I don't have to watch the Rebels play football again this year. I'd look forward to going hunting, but that's going to suck too. It's going to be too cold, and there will be no ducks.

Shit.

I think I need a new hobby.

My New Haircut

2007-11-20T23:12:00.001-06:00

This is what you call Fan-freaking-tastic! A few guys at work have been quoting this goofball, and I finally looked it up. I hope you get as many laughs as I did. This is like those Gotti kids you seen on the net.

Quick question though: are the rest of us as annoying when we order Jagerbombs? Probably so.

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

2007-11-19T20:55:00.000-06:00

So I've been MIA for a while. I know it. I don't really take all the blame because Blogger just wasn't cooperating. I got frustrated and just stopped trying. But I had an early dinner tonight and while watching TV started working on this "Best Of" post. So here are a few highlights of things that I've meant to get to.

We'll start with the Florida at Ole Miss football weekend. SEC football fans tend to back their teams. We back our teams through thick and thin. Hell, I'm an Ole Miss fan who has put up with a lot this season. But I think this guy may back the Florida Gators even more than anyone ever: What do you think? I probably shouldn't have led off with that but it's first in chronological order. Plus it's damn funny and I hope I don't have to explain the pun attached to this.

Next is a pic of one of our tent regulars who came by on her 21st birthday weekend. I'll give you one guess as to which person in the pic spilled their drink four times in a row after refilling it.

No, you jackass. It was her. No matter how overserved I've been at the tent, I've never spilled my drink...more than once.

Next is a pic from when I went dove hunting one afternoon in September down in Tunica, MS. Isn't that beautiful?

Yeah, the scenery was beautiful. But my shooting was abismal. I went through five boxes of shells and shot 3 doves. I found one. Do the math. That's 125 shots for one dove. The other two were weird. The second dove fell into the sunflower plants a few dozen rows away. I never could find it. That really makes me mad. I hate waste. I searched up and down the rows for 10 minutes but couldn't find him. The third landed at the top of a crest in a tilled field. For those of you who've never left the urban area of your respective cities, a tilled field is one which has only dirt on top. The ground has been churned over. In other words the bird landed at the top of a slight rise in the dirt. I saw it fall and another man saw it fall. When I walked to where it was supposed to be, it wasn't there. The other hunter came over and we walked around on top of the exposed dirt to find...nothing. I've never seen or heard anything like this. Weird, right?

This next pic is from the Ptolemy Fall Party (Old School Party) at Ernestine and Hazel's. It was a blast. On the right is Amy "The Fun Sister." I'm not sure who the girl on the left is.

Here are those two again with Beth and her unseparable tiara.

After that party, I packed to head up to Minneapolis for a work seminar. It was a whole lot of classes and a whole lot of partying. You know who were some of the coolest folks I met? The ones from Canada. Not only can they drink but they would say "Eh" and "aboot" all the time. I'd laugh and say "Yall are hilarious. I love your accents." They would in turn reply "Oh my God, it's my first 'yall'." That went on for one long night at the bar.

The last night in Minneapolis I went with a group to the Mall of America. It was awesome. They actually have roller coasters inside. But if my town was frozen for 9 months out of the year, I'd probably build a mall with roller coasters inside. Seriously, how can you justify living somewhere that requires you, due to the severe climate, to PLUG YOUR CAR INTO THE OUTLET IN YOUR GARAGE OVER NIGHT SO IT STARTS IN THE MORNING? Human beings aren't meant to live like this. Is this supposed to be a test of a communal strength? Or are these people so bat-shit crazy that they think the rest of the world is like this? Do they think Jamaicans live on the beach in the sun from June to August before hibernating the rest of the year? Of course they couldn't! Their dreads would snap off sometime around December 27 from being frozen for 4 months straight! That is of course if they didn't snap their owner's neck from the increased weight over that time.

Anyhoo, one thing they do that I thought was cool is a Promotion called "Disco is Dead." That's pretty cool. These posters were up everywhere in the mall.

By the way, people in Minnesota have no sense of humor. They are very dry and not overly sociable. At least the ones I ran into. Maybe I'm spoiled from living down South. But if you made a witty quip, they'd just stare at you until you gave them a straight answer. Before you automatically say 'well maybe you just weren't funny, Philip' this is an conversation between a waitress at lunch and one of the other seminar attendees from Jackson, MS.

Lady: "Are you finished with your plate?"
Guy: "Well, I was contemplating finishing the rest of my corn off the cob, but maybe I'll opt for the dessert plate instead. I think I can lick that clean.

Lady: "..."

Guy: "Um, yes ma'am. You can take it."

Oh yeah, they don't have any hot sauce at restaurants. The only type of sauce they have is A1. And that won't help the bland food.

Ok that's enough bashing of the Minneapolis. They were nice people, but just different from what I'm used to.

A week or so later was the Alabama at Ole Miss weekend. I went down Friday night for a bachelor party. By the time I got to Oxford they were so drunk that they had left the bar, taken the bachelor of honor to Old Venice, and were shoving pizza at him to sober him up. So I left and went elsewhere on the Square. I ran into one of my old friends, Brandon (aka WB). He was the one who called me at 2PM that afternoon when I was still at work to inform me he opened the first bar on the Square and had already had one Jack and Coke. I ran into him with a group of folks at the Rib Cage (a BBQ restaurant and bar). He was good and drunk. I said hey and met the rest of the group. This was around 10:30ish. When I excused myself to grab a drink from the bar. He said "get me a Jack and Coke, bitch!" I said "excuse me" to which he responded "you heard me!" I walked over to the bar and ordered to drinks. I had a vodka tonic and set his drink in front of him. He was in the middle of an animated conversation and stopped midsentence to exclaim "WHAT THE F**K IS THAT?!?" I said "It's your Shirley Temple...bitch."

He stares at the drink, then at me, and then back at the drink. Everyone else starts cracking up. He's silent for about a minute before he says "you know what? I'm going to drink this. And I'm going to enjoy it. Watch!" So I had to take a pic of him "enjoying" his shirley temple with his Muppet haircut.

We were there for a little while longer before going to another bar, one of my favorites from college: Pearl Street Pasta. Of course it was my favorite in college because I knew all the bartenders and would get quick service/small tabs. Apparently that doesn't happen anymore.

Part of the rest of the night is a blur due to double vodka tonics and a whole lot of really fun conversations that I can't remember so many weeks later. Oh yeah, the Jager shots didn't help. Need proof of the evil effects of Jager? Here you go from my sister's camera:

Yeah, it's the return of the shocker to drunk pics.

After they closed the bar/kicked everyone out, there was a lot of drama going on in the street outside. In fact there were three "incidents" that we were involved in/witnessed. Of course the memory is hazy in parts due to the excessive alcohol consumption over several hours (I can't remember the second incident but it had nothing to do with us). But here's the first one (sorry for hazy pics):

This guy who we'll call Napoleon (short man's complex joke!) stumbled out of the bar just in front of us. He was walking near our group obviously agitated about something. He made it vocal at that time. Now I don't remember what the exact issue was, but I decided it was my job to encourage him to find the source of his frustration. I think I contributed by giving him a lot of "Yeah you're right, man!" "I do think whitey is keeping you down!" and other such comments. He (thank God) wasn't catching onto the large amounts of sarcasm I was throwing out there. After a few minutes of entertaining my group with this drunken buffoon (pot calling kettle black!) by channelling what I call Tucker Max drunk, I told him we were leaving and he needed to head the other direction so he wouldn't hit me with his car when he drove home. He stumbles across the street and walks PAST (that is key) this random girl and her friends (she's in the pic below). He turns to start berating her. For the record none of us approved/sanctioned/applauded this behavior. She was just an innocent bystander who happened to walk past young Napoleon Bonaparte. He berated her in string of explatives that lasted for about thirty seconds straight. Almost everyone on the street stopped to watch this idiot. This poor girl stopped dead in her tracks, turned to walk back to him, shoved him backwards (he did in fact stumble because this is all clear to me), and said "What did you call me, you little bitch?" Her friend (also a girl) had to walk this little guy away until the girl he insulted decided she had enough and was about to beat his ass. At that time her friend let go of Napoleon and walked her friend back to their car. Literally forced her to their car. This little bastard stood their while the crowd erupted into a din of shouts directed at him. Most involved one of two things. They either questioned his manhood or told him to go away before they came and whooped his ass.

After he finally stumbled away we stood there laughing. The next incident is kinda hazy, but it involved someone completely not related to the previous incident trying to start something in the same general location as the previous incident but leaving. All I know is that when that person turned to leave, my friend Laura shouted "Run Rudolph Run." Don't know where that came from or why it's funny, but we thought it was hilarious.

The last incident was all me. Well, me channelling the inspiration of Tucker Max (yeah, I think I read some of his stories the week before going down there). This is a group of Bama fans on the bench in front of the Rib Cage:

From left to right, you have guy in Bama hat, drunk guy passed out on bench with Bama "A" on his shirt (can't see it in the pic, but it was there which is what caused me to do what you're about to read), and girl in pink shirt. As we were walking to our vehicles to head home for the night, we walked past this group on the bench. I believe someone said "is he going to be alright?" It was directed at me or my group, but I immediately decided to give my medical opinion. Well, not so much a medical opinion but more of an opinion inspired by Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura. As I walked past this group in the pic, I turned and replied "I can tell you what's wrong with him! He has been possessed by the spirit of Bear Bryant! I need an old priest and a young priest and A HOUNDSTOOTH CAP so I can EXERCIIIISE THE DEMON!!!" We all laughed, but apparently the girl in the pink shirt didn't find it too damn funny. She didn't vocally express her lack of appreciation for the humor I had bestowed on the situation. She physically expressed it in the form of a slap to my face. I paused. My group went silent. I started laughing again and kept walking to our cars.

That's pretty much all the shenanigans from that night. I will say I felt like ass the whole next day. My face didn't hurt but the rest of my head did from all the damn Jager shots. And it was Oktoberfest at the tent but I never really took any pics I think. What I did get a pic of is when the Alabama graduate who was working the replay for the referees royally screwed us out of a great come back win. By the way the rumor that I've heard is that he has been reprimanded so many times over the years for biased calls that he can't even be a ref on the field during the game anymore. Hmm... But again that is the rumor I heard...from a Southern Miss fan. Much more credible than coming from an Ole Miss fan who is biased against them. Anyhoo here's the pic.

Now that's a short "Best of" post covering part of the fall. I still need to get pics from my trip to Houston and...I have no idea what else. I'll try to come up with more stuff but I have been swamped with work and all. I guess I spoiled everyone when I was unemployed for so many months. I had so much free time that I could post whenever something came to me.

Anyhoo, have a great one and don't get none on ya!

And We're Back!

2007-11-19T20:43:00.000-06:00

In honor of Blogger finally allowing me to post pics again, I give you an inspirational message to think about over the next 350 some odd days.

Thursday Night

2007-11-07T12:54:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow night Robert Earl Keen and his band are playing at the New Daisy on Beale. Best show you will ever see. Hands down. It's texas country so you'd better be ready to have a good time. See you there.

Damn

2007-10-29T21:11:00.000-06:00

I'm trying people I really am. I'm working on a "Best Of" megapost covering the last few shenanigans, but Blogger keeps futzing up with the whole pic posting process. I get going and BOOM, "I'm sorry, but we are having technical difficulties right now. Please try again later or contact technical support."

Yeah I'm alive

2007-10-27T13:57:00.000-05:00

Barely. The weekend have been full of drinks. The weeks have been full of swimming and working. Need an example of drinking? Here was two weeks ago where I was drunk enough to explain my frustration after another Ole Miss loss. Hey Bama, here's to ya.We'll resume our regularly scheduled drunken recaps tomorrow. I have plenty of stories that I need to go over.

I'm headed to a big wedding tonight. See yall later.

Dammit!

2007-10-16T23:22:00.000-05:00

Well I have a ton of great drunk pics from the weekend in Oxford BUT I can't post them because blogger is being a shit...again. It's been like this since Sunday evening. I mean great drunk pics. I could post just the stories, but the pics make the stories. So sorry.

What's that thing next to the old Monkey?

2007-10-10T17:39:00.001-05:00

It's the new Blue Monkey downtown!!! Actually more of a revamped Blue Monkey. I found the link to the article on Downtown Paul's blog. So it looks like they'll reopen around Thanksgiving. Awesome. Things are starting to look up. Let's do a quick recap:

-Raiford's has reopened.

-The Downtown Monkey is going to reopen.

-Britney Spears is finally being seen for the whacked out Louisiana trailer tramp she is.

-Notre Dame has a losing football record.

-It's "Oktoberfest" at my tent Saturday.

All is right with the world.

The Brother Punks His Company

2007-10-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

A few weeks back, the brother's company did an "employee appreciation" week with a theme of Enjoy Life. All employees were encouraged to submit a dessert with that theme at the end of the week. Everyone in his department asked if he was going to do a jello mold. He said he wasn't.

Now there's a bit of back story here that I need to share with you. It is my understanding that a ton of folks in his department are what you would call "Office nuts." I don't mean the stereotypical people you work with that drive you crazy. No, I mean people who love the show "The Office." Within his first six months of employment, the brother made a jello mold with a stapler in it similar to what the character Jim did to Dwight in the show. The jello mold made it from desk drawer to desk drawer as the brother and his victims continued the joke in good humor from one person to the next. Everyone got a ton of laughs from it.

So the brother didn't want to do a jello mold with a stapler or anything else. He was discussing the issue with me a few days before and had decided he was going to do something simple. Over the course of the discussion, he decided to do an elaborate prank on the entire office: he was going to put icing on a box or two of cake mix and call it a "cake." I suggested that he bake some cookies as backup just in case they actually wanted him to contribute to potluck table of deserts after the contest. He got the cake boxes prepared and did an elaborate job with putting a logo and the "Enjoy Life" theme on the icing.

When it came time for judging, he won his floor, and his cake was put into the running for the best overall. The whole time that this was taking place, he was emailing me saying how he couldn't believe they thought he actually baked a cake. He was having trouble containing his laughter while people kept coming to his desk to tell him how impressed they were with his originality and design. By this point he had told only one person the truth at the office.

Just before they were going to pick the overall winner, he realized that there was a good chance he was going to beat someone who ACTUALLY made a dessert. He fessed up for the prank and explained the situation. So he didn't win first prize overall because he "didn't actually make a dessert." The winning duo got coupons to Starbucks; woohoo! great prize! But he did win most creative which included a prize of free pizza and soft drinks. Hmm...I wonder who got the better prize. Here's a pic of the brother with his "cake."

I'm very proud of him. He did bring the cookies he baked out of hiding to share with the rest of the desserts that everyone could eat. It's my understanding that his dessert was the talk of the office. Way to go, man!

Bleh!

2007-10-07T12:57:00.001-05:00

Does anyone know where the hell I left my camera adapter? I have a ton of pics on the camera that I can't get on the computer. This has been driving me nuts for over a week. Stupid Sony card! If I don't find it by the afternoon I'm going to buy another one.

By the way, how are you? I'm still alive and kicking. Yea I had a good birthday on Thursday. Just kept it lowkey this year. I enjoyed it. Minneapolis was great. But I'll get to all that when I can post pics (mostly so I can remember what the hell I've been doing this week...and last).

Later

Party Flyer for Saturday Night

2007-09-27T16:40:00.000-05:00

It's official. I'm going to be one of the shot bartenders from 10-11. What's the ratio? One for you, two for me?

But I finally got the pic of the invite. Here's the front and back of it. It's going to be a blast. See you there.

Party Saturday Night

2007-09-25T23:32:00.000-05:00

This Saturday night, the Grand Krewe of Ptolemy is hosting its annual Fall Party at Ernestine & Hazel's downtown. The party starts at 7:30 and lasts until...you black out, I guess. There will be live music and free beer (and shots!). The party will be free for all 2007-2008 Ptolemy members and their guest. Non-members must pay $35. Also if past members choose to pay just the $35 entry fee instead of all their dues, I'm pretty sure that fee will go toward your 2007-2008 dues (double check with our Chair Natasha or someone at the door). This is a great opportunity to check out krewe if you've been curious.

Alright, now that I have the official wording out of my way, I can get down to the more important details:

The theme is Old School, or as I like to call it "Reliving your college debauchery in one night." There are going to be soul burgers, beer, music, and shots. The party is being thrown in a former brothel. What more do you want? It's going to be a big time. Besides what else are you going to do? Go to the Blues Ball? I don't think so. If you do, you're probably getting stuck at the back table. So leave your responsibilities and worries at home and act like you're back in college for one night. It'll be worth it. Hell do the full cliche and try to be this guy:

p.s. someone bring a beer bong. I don't know where I put mine from college.

Short Post

2007-09-19T19:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry to do a short one. I was going to make this long but I have to run back to the office now to fix a problem. Yeah.

Real quick though, I did my third triathlon this past weekend in Conway, AR. The CATS triathlon. It was a 500 yard swim, 14 mile bike ride, and a 3.1 mile run. I finished it in approximately 1 hour 42 minutes and 50ish seconds. A new personal record. I felt so great when I finished it.

Anyhoo, I have to run now. Adios.

Coupling - Janes advice

2007-09-13T20:15:00.001-05:00

Here's teh video, sorry I couldn't put it as part of the previous post. Enjoy nonetheless.

Quick Post

2007-09-13T19:46:00.000-05:00

So I know I'm slacking this week, but I'm busy. I've got a triathlon in Arkansas on Sunday and I'm really focusing on finalizing my training leading up to it. I did manage to go out to dinner last night with almost the entire group from "the toe incident." The brother didn't make it but the rest of us did. And the stitches are out, so the Shady Lady V can finally walk around with shoes again.

Other than that, not much is going on. So in order to continue to keep you entertained, here's another video from that great BBC show, Coupling. Here Jane gives a post-coital critique of Patrick. Enjoy.

Double Recap

2007-09-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. But this (hopefully) short recap will be a good example of why I've been so damn busy. (I just finished it, and it is really long. Sorry)

Let's see, my last post came on Thursday week before last. That night I went to Newby's for the Lord T & Eloise video shooting. I had heard they were going to start shooting around 10. I was wrong. Some local white guy rapper named Kaz started out. The crowd was full of your regular Lord T folks and the folks who showed up to be in a rap video. There was this one girl there wearing a tight orange dress. I'll say that she was not the type of girl who should wear anything tight. Between her gut and her bedonkeydonk she needed to be a little less revealling. She was definitely a source of entertainment for all of us around. The real act came on around midnight. Unfortunately we only stayed for a few songs, because some of us have to work for a living.

The next night (Friday week before last, Labor Day weekend) I took it easy. I swam and then packed to go dove hunting the next morning. I woke up Saturday morning around 3:45, grabbed the hunting stuff and we headed west into Arkansas for a dove hunt. We picked a horrible spot and only ended up with 4. We high tailed it home. After unloading the truck, I took a quick shower and had my two pregame beers (one before my shower and one in the shower). I grabbed a quick bite at Vanelli's Deli (I'll post about them sometime soon). Got down to the Liberty Bowl and went into the game with my buddy Daniel. It was a good game for the first half and then the Rebels started to stink it up in the second half. Fortunately our team pulled out the win so I don't have to hear those obnoxious Memphis fans at work talk trash for another year. The week leading up to the game was just brutal. They kept playing the "Colonel Rebel's Crying" (aka the Coach O song) over and over at work. Funny thing is, most Ole Miss fans think it's great. I laugh every time I hear it.
After the game I raced home to pack for the lake. I grabbed my stuff and started rolling. I hit the bridge over the Mississippi at 8:50. I made it to the lake house at 11:15. I was exhausted, but I had a few beers before I got went to bed. The rest of our group showed up Sunday morning. We went on the water around 11:30. Sometime around 12:30 the Shady Lady V started screaming by the back of the boat. Turns out she cut her foot. We jumped back in the boat and drove to the marina. We pulled ahead of the other boats and docked to get her out of the boat and into a car. I grabbed the first aid kit and HM was about to start bandaging her toe for the ride to the hospital. I ran into the marina's office and asked for directions to the hospital. In the meantime this guy walks up to HM and asks if he can help. HM says "well, I'm an Eagle Scout and a former lifeguard." The guy says "I'm a combat medic." HM immediately steps away and replies "man, have at it." I walk out to see this random guy spraying anti-bacterial stuff on her toe and bandaging it up. He was done in no time at all. We thanked him and everyone else who helped us.
We walked the Shady Lady V up to the car and went back to the house. It was out of gas so she and I had to jump in my truck. We got to the hospital in Heber Springs in about 25 minutes. We'd have been there sooner, but there was a stupid tractor driving down the road at 15 mph. He finally pulled off. We didn't leave the hospital until after 7PM. She got 10 stitches. We had dinner at the house and tried to watch Talledega nights until everyone started falling asleep. We got up Monday morning (Labor Day) and packed up to head home. It was pretty uneventful.

This past week I spent time working (of course) and training for my next triathlon. I did go to a planning meeting for the Ptolemy Fall Party at Ernestine & Hazel's on Sept. 29. It's going to be good if the lawyers don't kill all the good ideas for "safety precautions." I'll post more details about the party as they become finalized. But the theme is Old School. I call it an excuse to party like you did in college. But knowing some of my friends, that's going to be a scary thing.

This past Friday I had two parties planned on the same night. The first was the Art On Tap at the Brooks Museum. It had rained earlier that afternoon, so the weather was cooler but humid. I saw a ton of folks there. I actually met a guy who has been banned from the Brookhaven Pub for a year and half. I kinda wish I knew why but I was pulled away to talk to some other folks later. Didn't take any pics because I spent most of the time drinking and talking. If you've never been, I recommend it for next year. It's a beer tasting with every kind of beer that's sold in the Memphis market. I ran into a few guys from work. I asked one guy what he had tried and liked. He said "I'm just drinking the Miller Lite." When I inquired further, he said "well, I like Miller Lite. I only want to drink Miller Lite. And I don't have to walk through the crowd to get another one. Plus everyone I want to see will walk past me here at some point in the night." At least he knows what he wants.
I left there at 7:30 because I had to be on time for the next party. It was a surprise birthday party for my buddies Zac and Matt at Neil's. We had a pretty good time. Zac's birthday is a milestone age so his girlfriend got him a cake with a guy made of icing trying to crawl out of a grave. I'll post a pic later. I run across something I didn't know could exist. A friend of the group didn't know how to use the keg. How do you live into your late 20's and admittedly like beer, but don't know how to use the tap on a keg? Kinda blew my mind.
Unfortunately, I had to head home around 11:30. I had big plans the next day (yesterday) in Oxford and had to help the 'rents pack the trucks to go down Saturday morning. I got home around 12 and helped pack the coolers. I finally said I'm exhausted and went to bed.

We got up around 9:15 yesterday morning and finished packing the truck. Of course Murphy's Law was in effect. We finally get down and set up the tent around lunch time. Nothing really extraordinary happened. Some chicken headed college girls showed up and acted like idiots. Yankee brought the Maker's Tea (I had 5 and somehow was still standing). We ate, drank, and had a great time. I had friends stop by to say hey. It was real low key until right before we were going to head into the game. My friends Troy and Lauren walked up with their baby girl. She was absolutely precious. Somehow she slept through all the music and the rowdyness. She woke up a few minutes before we had to head to the stadium. She kept smiling at all the folks standing around looking at her. She was absolutely precious. We are all thankful she looks more like Momma than Daddy.
The game started out horrible. But Ole Miss started to rally against the Mizzou Tigers in the second half. Out of nowhere we started driving the ball and stopping their offense. It was really cool to see them play like that. I would have liked it better if we had won, but that didn't happen. Went back to the tent after the game and had some more of Yankee's Makers Tea.
We finish packing the trucks and head out around 10:15PM. We hit a line of stopped cars before the Sardis bridge on highway 7. The line didn't finally move until after 11:30. So we hopped in the back of the truck and ate the rest of our fried chicken, cheese, and water melon. It sucked that all the drinks were in the other truck but we were fine. After we finished the chicken. The brother and I decided we were going to walk towards the bridge where we thought the wreck was so we could see what was going on. People looked at us as we were walking towards it and just staring. I kept telling them that we'd bring them a report of what was going on. We got over halfway there when we saw a line of cars starting to move towards us as the cops finally let the vehicles through again. We turned around and started running towards our ride and everyone started jumping back in their cars too. When we got back to the truck there was a line of cars that went right past us, but we didn't move. The cops finally let our group through the bridge. We didn't get home until late and quickly unpacked the truck before going to bed.

So that's what's been going on. Hope you've been doing well. Have a great rest of your weekend. Sorry it was so long.

Songs on the playlist:
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
Coldplay - Lips Like Sugar (live in Paris, cover)
Hoodoo Gurus - Like Wow-Wipeout
Guns N' Roses - It's So Easy
Coldplay - Green Eyes
The Rolling Stones - Live With Me
GNR - Out Ta Get Me
The Smithereens - Too Much Passion
The Rolling Stones - Angie
Coldplay - Yellow
The Travelling Wilburys - Handle With Care
The Romantics - Talking In Your Sleep
Lord T & Eloise - Black Limousine
Lord T & Eloise - Pills
GNR - Mr. Brownstone
The Rolling Stones - Can't You Hear Me Knocking

It's Official: Ya'll Be There

2007-08-29T13:29:00.000-05:00

Memphis Music Video

2007-08-29T11:52:00.000-05:00

So I hear that a certain Memphis rap group is filming a music video this Thursday night. I don't have confirmation on the details just yet. But hopefully I will soon.

By the way, it's not Three 6 Mafia. The group in question is a very well articulated group who uses words most thug rappers couldn't find in the dictionary. They are are the elite class of the crunk world.

Have ya figured it out yet?

Cat's Out of the Bag

2007-08-23T16:34:00.000-05:00

I’ll make this quick. Last night my dad was talking to me about some stuff. Towards the end of the conversation, this little exchange happens:
Dad: “So I hear you have a blog.”
Me: “What? Maybe…dammit.”
Dad: “Yeah you do. (Name withheld until I kill him) told me so. So what’s this blog about?
Me: “Nothing. I gotta go.”

So now I’m at a cross roads. I don’t know whether to change what I do on here or not. But I’ve been thinking about it; when I first started I’d say what I felt and not hold back short of changing a few details (names, dates, places, etc). But as more and more people I knew socially began to read this, I’ve had to drop certain subjects and events in my life. In fact I won’t speak about some other things now because I think someone from work may read the blog too. I hate restrictions, but I’ll just deal with it.

So here’s what I’m going to do now: I’m going to keep doing the same shit. But now I can use this as an excuse to make some of the changes I’ve been trying to work towards. From now on, I’m not going to talk about my plans beforehand unless they’re something big like a big party. If I’m going to a bar with friends, I’m not going to mention it beforehand. I’ll recap it later. I like this idea.

Anyhoo, I’m heading to the bike shop this afternoon to pick up the new bike before I head downtown for a birthday dinner and then a Cowboy Mouth show. Adios yall.

One Day Left...

2007-08-22T16:48:00.000-05:00

Until I get my badass bike from the bike shop. I got it off ebay at a "deal-deal" price (most of you won't catch that unless you've seen "Kelly's Heroes"). But it arrived in pieces. I'm not Santa Claus so I had to get professionals to put it together. I'm heading up there after work to buy clip pedals and shoes and MAYBE an odometer. Don't know if I need it yet. We'll see. I can't wait to get it. I've been riding my other bike (Dad's old bike) for over the last week and am ready to fly on a real road bike.

Unfortunately I can't ride it until this weekend. Tomorrow after I pick up the bike, I have to take it home. I'm heading to a birthday dinner and then (maybe) to Cowboy Mouth (I think at the Peabody). Friday I'm on the road to the lake for the weekend. So I'll ride in the mountains of the Ozarks Saturday and Sunday.

Anyhoo, nothings going on tonight, so have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Blows My Mind

2007-08-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

One of my guilty pleasures is to check out Go Fug Yourself. They have a great ability to make fun of celebrities and celebrity wanna-bes in their attempts to keep up with the latest fashions.(when's our local Z-List celeb, Mendi, going to get her shot at this kind of treatment?).

I'll admit that I'm not the most fashionably conscious person you'll ever meet. Hell, I think it should be ok to go to a bar in flip flops and shorts during the summer and I can't quite understand why people dress up in suits to go to Beale (not including people who come from weddings or similar functions). Anyhoo, I'm straying away from the point (must be all the sweettarts I've had this afternoon).

So I was on Go Fug Yourself and saw this post. This is the girl who drove me to school when I was in 9th Grade. And here she is. Now she is called "Sarah Jane Morris." I knew her as Sarah Morris who was president of the student council at Hutchison and as the girl who introduced me to Dave Matthews "Under The Table And Dreaming" album 6 months before it went big. I know that now she stars in Brothers & Sisters on ABC but I never watched it because it conflicted with something else on my tivo list. Funny thing is one of my friends here in town (who used to have regular appearances on this blog) is her cousin. But it was just really weird to see her on the site.

Luau Party Recap

2007-08-19T18:41:00.000-05:00

Remember when I went on record to say "if you decide to skip this, you will miss one of the best parties of the year" in the last post? That wasn't a lie. It was a fantastic night. I rolled into the party a little later than I had planned, but ran into a ton of folks I hadn't seen in a while. Of course you had most of the usual suspects, but I honestly can't say who all was there because there were so many people that I heard were there and never ran into. I'd list the names of everyone who was there but that would take too damn long. So here are a few pics

Of course here we have Andy, Scottie Too Hottie,The Brother, AP & DP, and me. My camera isn't the best when used at night so obviously she almost cut off Andy.

Here I am with Amy W. I actually met her and her friend Kel Bel (aka Shoopster) the weekend before at Sabafest. But I was so damn drunk that there's really no telling what I said. I'm sure it sounded something like "hiyaniiicetamee-ya."

Here I am with Andy, Anna, and Laura. Laura liked my grass skirt so much that she wanted it in the pic. I have to say that I was surprised that no one was wearing more luau clothing. Everyone was dressing nicely. It's like no one wanted to really get into the party spirit until after they got there.

Here I am with Alaina. I have to say it was a great time and I'm glad I went. By the way, I got to meet Mr Roboto from Nashville. He used to do the Thursday Night Fever blog but stopped. I heard the reason, but it's not mine to say. Anyhoo, I'm about to go ride my bike for an hour. Yall have a good one and get some on ya tonight.

Phoenix Club Luau Party Update

2007-08-17T10:04:00.000-05:00

Here is some info on tonight's kickass party straight from el presidente:

- There is a beer truck with 8 taps running. Two free bars, one with hurricanes provided by Owen Brennan's, and another with martini-type stuff provided by Swig. There is also a cash bar for a wider variety of beverages.

-Hog Wild BBQ will be providing food (not sure if it's for free or not, but you should eat before you get there anyway).

- Tickets will be available at the door. $30 a person.

I'm going to go on record and say that if you decide to skip this, you will miss one of the best parties of the year. I mean when's the next chance you have to see Raiford DJ?

Phoenix Club Luau Party Friday

2007-08-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

Do you want to see the return of Hollywood Raiford? Come to the party Friday. If you're looking for tickets I have plenty. Email me:

memphisphilip AT hotmail DOT com

Hello, Is Anyone Out There?

2007-08-12T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm boring lately I know. I've been partying. I've been training. I've been working. I'm sure I can come up with a great post, but I'm just making this short. Here are the quick notes:

Tupelo's King of the Hill triathlon: came in dead last. No that's not a typo. Dead last. But I did finish even if I had to walk the final three miles of the run. What happened? I didn't drink enough water and my legs cramped up so bad I could barely walk to the next mile marker where there was a water station. After three cups of water and some serious stretching, I was able to start jogging again. But I was so completely exhausted by that point, I just walked most of the way. I'm definitely going to drink more water before my next triathlon.

Sabafest: Kicked ass. I got drunk. Then I got more drunk. Then it went downhill. If I pissed anyone off, sorry. Other notes on that night: Walrus rocked, food rocked, and people there rocked, but where was everyone? I knew of about 10 folks who said they were going and blew it off. Yall suck.

Couples shower notes: yall are getting old when you start shutting down the party at 10:30. Boo! Thank God, they pulled out the Jager and Gold. Too bad Butter Fingers Robbins broke a whole bottle of Jager.

Ok, I'm going to bed. I know there's more to talk about...wait! I bought a bike. It'll be here Thursday. After doing the King of the Hill's 22 mile bike ride on a mountain bike, I decided that I needed a real bike. So I bought a used one on ebay. I can't wait for it to get here. I acutally rode my dad's old bike tonight for 50 minutes just to stay in shape for it. I'm really ready to get on my own badass bike.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm going to watch the end of this show and go to bed. Night yall.

Sabafest Time Again

2007-08-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

Here's the poster. I had to grab it off an acrobat scan. I'll put up a real post later.

Confuscious say "lack of title make reader bored"

2007-07-27T16:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm on the water this weekend. If you're in Memphis, go to the Walrus show at the Blue Monkey Saturday. Other than that I'm not sure what's going on this weekend. Btw, I'm pissed I missed the damn Lord T & Eloise show last night.

have a great weekend

Blogger sucks donkey balls

2007-07-24T22:43:00.000-05:00

I hopped on the blog. My most recent post about the Phoenix Club party with Raiford wouldn't pop up. I had to head to someone else's blog and follow a link back. WTF! I wonder if it's because I used a long ass title.
Hopefully posting this short bitching session will fix the problem.

Party for white people who can't dance

2007-07-24T18:04:00.000-05:00

That's right kiddies! The sensation you never experienced is making a return trip to the Memphis party scene.

Raiford is back, baby!!!

Since Raiford's Hollywood Disco closed, I've had so many people make comments to me about how they always meant to go, but "just never did." Well he is performing at the Phoenix Club's Luau party on Friday August 17th.

Now you could go to the Phoenix Club's website and order tickets, or you could help me out and buy tickets from me. They are $30 per person and the proceeds go to our big end of the year check to the Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Memphis (we raise over $100,000 annually with help from folks like you). So if you want to get a ticket contact a friend who is a member or you can email me at memphisphilip at hotmail dot com.

I should have my tickets this Thursday afternoon so go ahead and start getting your orders in ASAP. I'll post more details later.

"Run along, dear. (smack!) Man talk."

2007-07-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

I think I know what I'm going to do Friday night. Ok, so I can quote this movie from start to finish (almost), but to see it on the Orpheum's big screen would be badass. But I don't think I'm busting out the tux for it. Of course I do have to go into work for a few hours Saturday morning so I don't know what I'll do exactly, but this is probably it.

"My name is Pussy Galore."

"I must be dreaming."

"It's an optical illusion. It's the pattern on the pants."

2007-07-17T13:39:00.000-05:00

Who the hell has my Anchorman DVD? It's been missing for a few weeks and I have no idea where the hell it is. Who's hiding it?

Mighty Mite Medal

2007-07-16T12:46:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple of pics of the medal I got. On the front side is the name and logo of the race:

On the back side it says "Triathlon Finisher."

Mighty Mite Recap

2007-07-15T22:09:00.000-05:00

So as you regular readers all know, I did my first triathlon yesterday at the Mighty Mite Triathlon in Forrest City, AR. I had a blast. It was a .3 mile swim, 13 mile bike ride, and 3 mile run. I did what I went to do which was finish. Not only did I finish, but I finished in under 2 hours. My overall time was 1 hour 49 minutes 50 seconds. I'll break down the details below for you at the end. First here's how the day started:

I woke up at 3:55 AM and hit the snooze button. Finally got out of bed after 4:10 and grabbed my gear. Had a quick breakfast and headed out. I noticed that there was a nice foggy mist throughout Memphis as I drove through town. I had the iPod playing random to wake up before putting it on a "get ready to do a competition" mix which was mostly heavy metal (Metallica, GNR, White Zombie). Basically fast, loud, aggressive music that would put me in the mental zone I needed. As I crossed the Mississippi River, I noticed that the fog appeared to have lifted. It hadn't. About the point where I-55 and I-40 meet, the fog popped back up. It was so think I couldn't see two car lengths in front of me. Always great driving conditions when you're speeding down I-40 and can't see a car until it's right in front of you. Just before I got to Crowley's Ridge, the fog lifted. I pulled into and walked around like a deer in head lights. Everyone else knew each other and seemed to know what the hell was going on. I registered and was ready to do my thing. I was about to walk out of the registration area when a lady stopped me to write my numbers on my arms and legs. I'm number 323 for the rest of the day.

I grabbed my gear and changed into the tri shorts I'd have the rest of the day. I headed to the starting point, 13 miles down the road in an Arkansas state park. Most triathlons have the same start/finish area. This one was different. It started and finished 16 miles apart. You start with the swim course, head to the first transition area (T1), do the bike course, head to the second transition area (T2), and run to the finish line. They started us in waves at the swim course. The first wave was Men under 40, then Men 40 and over, then women and relay teams, and finally all beginners. I'm obviously in the beginner category. They put everyone along the shoreline of this lake and have a mass chaotic beginning. There were people literally swimming over me. This one bi-otch kept cutting in front of me over and over no matter how many times I tried to get out from behind her. I guess she had some sonar built into her ass or something. Anyhoo, I get to the first turn and make a wide turn to get out of the crowd so I can finally hit my stride without having to stop every 5 seconds when I hit someone's feet. I get to the shore and head into the first transition area where I had my bike stationed. I dry my feet with my doo rag that I wear under my helmet before taking off.

The bike course was along Crowley's Ridge. I had the worst bike there. I'm not joking I actually did. I thought it was an old bike that belonged to the brother. Turns out it is my sister's old bike, an old Target Huffy mountain bike. So not only was it a girl's bike that was too small for me, but it was heavy as hell which made the uphills really difficult. My bike time was horrible, but I wasn't too focused on that. I really just enjoyed the country side and the view along the way. Yeah it sucked having people pass me all the time especially the 12 year old girl in the first mile (don't worry, I passed her 5 minutes later). The bike was probably the most scenic part of it. We got to ride past a peach orchard, but the best site was when I had been focusing on the white line on the road for so long trying to just power up this incline. I finally got to the top and reached down for my water bottle. I took a sip and looked around to find myself alone at this crest along the ridge. This was one of the few spots along the way without woods so I was surrounded on all sides with just a few fields and a beautiful sky above me. You wouldn't believe how breathtaking it was. It wasn't anything spectacular, but at that moment, it was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

I finally finished the bike portion when I got to the second transition. I jogged out of there and took off down the road. Having pedalled so much for the previous thirteen miles I was worn out. I could job, but my quads were so weak that I could hardly lift my feet for the first quarter mile. I finally got my strength back and started down the road to the finish on some more rolling hills. I was at the peak of one hill when this police officer told me it was all down hill the rest of the way (he was being nice because there were two more little inclines in the last mile). But I started passing all these people who kicked my butt on the bike course. As I rounded a corner into the heart of Forrest City there were families on their porches or in their yards cheering us on. One man was sitting in a lawn chair with a hose. He'd put a mist in the air for you to run through. I told him that God definitely had a special place in heaven for him. I went over a little hill just after that and saw the finish line. Then I remembered someone at the water station at the two mile mark saying that once you see the finish line you have another block to go. By this point I was really running. I came around the final corner of the block in what felt like a sprint (probably still jogging though) and as I crossed a sensor point the guy on the PA system yells out "And finishing his first triathlon ever, it's Philip (my name with an added nickname he thought was funny)." FYI they let you velcro a computer chip to your leg so they know how long you took on each portion of the race and transition areas.

After I crossed the finish line, I headed over to the gatorade cooler before finding the people I met as well as some other friends who did triathlons. I hung out for a bit before someone asked where my medal was. Turns out all beginners got medals. I'll post the pictures later.

Overall I had a blast and can't wait to do the next one or two in August. I always thought this was an almost impossible goal to reach but I did it. I'm really proud of myself and of this new hobby I've chosen. Everyone I talked to about it said it was a huge commitment, but honestly, it's not that big of a commitment. I just cut out a few things I used to do. I'm eating healthier and working out more than going to the bar. Some people may think that is a bad trade, but honestly, I'm in better shape than I've been for the last three or four years. Plus I still go out to party and my tolerance hasn't gone down. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Anyhoo, for those of you who want my time intervals there below this paragraph. Have a great week.

Of the 53 male beginners, I placed 42nd overall. On the swim course I placed 11th out of 53. On the bike course I placed 48th. On the run course I placed 17th.
My swim time was 10:57 for .3 miles.
My first transition time was 5:59 - I really took my time getting ready and drying my feet before putting on socks and shoes. Turns out that was smart because a lot of people who didn't wipe their feet had wet socks and rocks on their feet from the walk/run from the water to their bikes.
My bike time was 1:04:11 for 13 miles (12.2 miles per hour)
My second transition time was 2:50.
My run time was 25:54 for 3 miles (8:38 minutes per mile average).
My overall time was 1:49:50.

Goooooood Morning, Vietnam!!!!

2007-07-14T04:23:00.001-05:00

So it's 4:23 AM. I'm having breakfast and about to head out the door for the nice long ass drive to my first triathlon. Let's go down the list of what I need:

Shoes? check
Bike? check
Running shirt? check
Goggles? check
Sunglasses? check
Helmet? check
Socks? check
Ridiculous looking bathing suit/bike shorts/running shorts? check
A completely positive mental attitude and a determination to kick ass today? Not really. It's almost 4:30 AM and I'm out of bed, so let's keep things in perspective.

Seriously, I'm really excited and am ready to complete this triathlon. Again, notice I said COMPLETE.

I wonder if they'll have beer there after the race is over? Hmm...

Yall have a great Saturday and don't get none on ya.

Ugh

2007-07-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

I am a little hungover still. Too much fun last night at the Ptolemy Happy Hour. I'll have to post the story later. I'm about to head back to work, but I am compiling a lot of details from my co-drunks so I don't miss anything. The one thing I will say is that it's not a good sign when the bartender asks if you entire table needs to be cutoff.

Saturday I'm doing the MightyMite Triathlon in Forrest City, AR. That night I'm heading in town for a party.

Ok I have to get back to work. Adios

When a door closes...

2007-07-11T12:44:00.000-05:00

The canoe trip this weekend is cancelled. Not so much cancelled as no one actually planned it. So I'm going to try to complete the triathlon in Forrest City, AR Saturday. Please note that I said "COMPLETE" and not "COMPETE". That's assuming that my bike gets out of the shop by Friday. Let's hope it works out.

What else is going on? Ptolemy has a Happy Hour this Thursday at Cafe Ole. As usual it's open to anyone to attend.

Also this Thusday, the Memphis Rebel Club has their Annual Kick-Off Meeting at the Memphis Botanic Garden. Special guests include head football coach Ed Orgeron, head baseball coach Mike Bianco, and head basketball coach Andy Kennedy. There are others but those are the ones I'd be interested in seeing.
Details: From 5:30 to 7 social hour and silent auction; at 7 program begins
EDIT: The Rebel Club meeting is next week.

Not sure what I'm going to do over the next few days besides work and the triathlon, but whatever it is, I'll give you a recap.

Btw anyone know of anything fun Saturday night? After the race, I'll want to go out that night.

Insecurities of Old Fuckers and a Wonderful Rumor

2007-07-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

Hope you had a restful weekend. I did. Before I continue the spread of a rumor that's started, I'm going to cover a topic that I have to share.

The other day I was swimming laps at the gym. I stopped at the end of my workout and noticed some older guy in another lane swimming. This isn't out of the ordinary. Most people who swim laps at my gym are either in high school/on a swim team or are "older" (read: age of parents/grandparents). I wouldn't have paid any attention other than the fact that he kept stopping at the end of each pool length to fix his combover. Yeah, you read that correctly. He would stop and fix his combover while swimming. I wanted to tell him to just go buy a swim cap, but I laughed to myself and called it a night.

This isn't the only time recently I've seen an older man with a hair malfunction. A while back I was with a family and one of the children kept coming up to the father and saying "Daddy, would you please do something about this? I'm tired of fixing your combover." Literally, the father's combover would start to slide forwards or backwards on his head, and the child (who is my age) would reach up and put it back in place. I can't make this up.

I wonder, why do men of the previous generation feel that a combover is an appropriate response to hair loss? Seriously? It's really one step above a toupee. The only thing that distinguishes the combover from the toupee in the realm of "pathetic ways to cope" is a combover is real hair. Really your own hair. What little bit you have left of it. Only strangers and your childrens' friends will laugh at your combover. With a toupee, even your friends and family members will laugh at you.

I know that losing your hair is a huge confidence killer for men. But instead of worrying about that little patch of hair you're losing on top of your head, why don't you worry about something you can control, like the spare tire you're carrying around.

But back to the original guy in the pool, why would he fix the damn combover every lap. He would literally stop, fix the combover, catch a quick breath, and start all over. It was almost like he was thinking "alright if I fix this really quickly, the cute lifeguard won't notice it slipping. And maybe at the other end of the pool it will still be in place!" Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Insanity is performing the exact same action(s) repeatedly and expecting a different outcome every time.

Okay enough of that crap. On to the rumor...

I've heard this also, but Downtown Paul posted that Raiford is going to do one final party. I don't have the date or location yet, but it's supposed to be somewhere downtown. I hope it's going to be as badass as everyone will make it out to be. I'll post more on this when I get it confirmed.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Great America!

2007-07-05T20:43:00.000-05:00

Happy 5th of July yall. I tried to put this up yesterday, but I was having technical difficulties.

I hope you had a relaxing 4th of July. I did. I'd like to show a few things that make this great nation, well, great. It's mostly pics that I've been meaning to post but haven't taken the opportunity, but I'm only using the pics that show great things here in the good ol' U. S. of A.

First we have girls wearing low-cut jeans.

Another great thing about America is George Thorogood and the Destroyers doing "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" at Music Fest.Another thing that makes America great are tribute bands like this one. Appetite for Destruction played at Newby's not long ago. They are always a great show. Here's "Axl" doing the beginning of "Patience."

Here's when the rest of the band jumped in. Americans playing as their favorite rockers and covering awesome American rock songs. God Bless the USA!

Another great thing about America is its other genres of music like country. Here's a few pics of Robert Earl Keen playing a great show at the New Daisy two weeks back. He started with a cowboy hat (never seen him do that) and later played "Merry Christmas from the Family." He even said he never does that outside of the holiday season.

Here they are jamming out during a song after a quick break.A great thing is when you get to meet some of your favorite artists. I actually got to meet REK after the show and got a pic with him. I had a pic from a show a few years ago but DP never gave me a copy. He claims he did, but I don't recall it and don't have it. So I was happy to get this pic.

I hope you had a great 4th of July. Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

What it is?

2007-07-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

Hey yall,
Still trying to get my 4th of July post up, but with the problems I've been having, I'm not promising when it will be. Just an FYI

Good Ol' Cracky Top

2007-06-29T13:42:00.000-05:00

Came home today for lunch and thought I'd post this for yall really quick.
Found this story online. The basic synopsis is that a UT Football Player was arrested for possessing and selling crack cocaine. That's right, a Tennessee Football player was arrested for selling crack. I said that twice because I have plenty of friends who are big UT fans (I'm talking to you Big Guy!). This should knock ol' Rocky Top down a few notches.

Have a great weekend. And sorry to my UT crackhead friends, I couldn't pass this one up. Here's a little diddy I wrote for you:

Undercover cops went on Cracky Top
Looking for a moonshine still.
All they could find were cheap ass crack rocks
Sold by a Vol named Darrell.

Cracky Top, you'll always be
A drug friendly place to me!
Good Ol' Cracky Top,
Cracky Top Tennessee!

Why do I feel like this is going to come back and haunt me?

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Wish I Had My Camera Posts

2007-06-28T18:56:00.000-05:00

There are two things I've seen recently that make me wish I had my camera on me. I think you might like them.

First I have seen the Germantown Pimp. (Germantown is a suburb of Memphis) I never knew there was a Germantown Pimp. But I was on my lunch break earlier this week driving to grab a bite in Germantown when I saw this man walking...excuse me, strutting down the street. He had a pair of elevator shoes and a full brimmed hat with a leopard sash on around it. He had a black suit with a black shirt and no tie. Like I said, I wish I had my camera with me.

Second I saw a bumper sticker the other day for Germantown High School in the parking lot at work. It said something like 'Germantown High, A Great Tradition.' I think there needs to be another bumper sticker for them:

"GERMANTOWN HIGH SCHOOL, BRINGING THUG LIFE TO THE SUBURBS"

Do you think I can market that?

Triathlon Training Update

2007-06-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

Today after work, I swam 1 mile, biked 7.2 miles, and ran 3.25 miles at the gym.

The standard "sprint" triathlon is .5 mile swim, 12.4 mile bike, and 3.1 mile run...I think.

I just need to keep conditioning myself so I can do it in the heat of July and August.

THIS JUST IN!!!

2007-06-19T23:49:00.000-05:00

Actually I've known about this for a while, but I think this is the first I've mentioned it on the blog. Lord knows with the giant lack of posts lately, it should be easy enough for me to check...

Anyhoo, Robert Earl Keen and the Robert Earl Keen band will be playing THIS FRIDAY night at the New Daisy on Beale Street. It's usually a packed house so buy your tickets now. (His album "No. 2 Live Dinner" is in my top 20 albums of all time and top 5 live albums)

If you've ever liked a single country music song in your life, then you will like REK. He's more of a Texas country/folk/singer-songwriter with a great sense of humor in his song writing.

I'll be there. So will a large assortment of folks. Not sure exactly who, but I imagine some if not all of the following will be there:
Mini-her
The brother
The sister
Scales
DP and "new mike"
Mailbox Mike
The Uncle (supposedly coming in town according to sources)
Browntown

As always I'll make a prediction who will be there and half will miss it and 20 others will make it. You know what, who cares. It's always a great show. If you miss it, you suck.

A Post with Two Opposites

2007-06-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

I have two posts in my head which I am now combining into one. I probably should make them separate, but I have a feelin whichever one I post first will be skipped over. These are important items that I feel need to be addressed. We'll start with the good news one and then I'll go on a rant (at this point I haven't typed it out yet, but I know it's going to be a big bitchfest rant so be ready).

ITEM ONE
I've decided to become a triathlete. I've been toying with the idea for a while now, but that's all it's been: an idea. I opened a magazine from January the other day and as I was skimming the pages there were a series of articles on improving yourself professionally, personally, physically, etc. Well, what else do you read on the can? Anyhoo, I landed on a short bit on becoming a triathlete. My initial idea of a triathlon was swimming 2 miles, biking 50 miles, and running a marathon. Then I looked up triathlon distances on wikipedia two days ago (link to triathlons on wikipedia) and found that there are shorter distance marathons and longer. So after that I made a life decision to become a triathlete (it's not a huge life decision, but it a bit of a lifestyle change). I went back to the article in the magazine and found they mentioned a website that lists all the triathlons in the country and there are a few coming up nearby. Awesome!!! Now I just need to buy a bike.

Now if you want to end reading this on a good positive note, stop before we get to item two. It's going to make you depressed/angry/pissed off.
I warned you.

ITEM TWO
I went to a store the other day in the suburbs to do a little shopping. I won't name the store because it's not their fault it happened. I wanted to come up with a funny nickname so you'd know what store it was in code, but that's really not fair to a place I actually like shopping at. Anyway, I felt the natural urge to sit down for a few minutes and let the Cosby kids go for a swim. So I did the normal thing and visited a room where you're not allowed to bring merchandise for a good reason. I walked into stall number 1 and someone hadn't flushed it. That pissed me off because people are just jerks sometimes. Then I walked into stall number 2 and realized that people are absolute pieces of shit. How do I know that? Well there were two pieces of that person on the floor next to the toilet. Seriously someone dumped outside the toilet on the floor. I imagine this was some high school kid from the cities of Germantown, Collierville, or the surrounding area who thought it would be funny to do that. I want to find this kid and after rubbing his nose in it ask him why he's so pissed at the world:

-Did Mommy and Daddy not buy him the brand new Hummer H3 or Mustang he wants even though he already has a new BMW?
-Or have the fumes from all the black fingernail polish finally gone to his head with the jet black hair and strong lack of pigments?
-Or did he take so much ecstasy at school that it felt good to have only one cheek on the seat and the other suspended in the air?

Enough of the hypothetical explanations based on broad stereotypes of high school pieces of shit. For all I know this could have been a grown man (I'm not even going to touch that one). Either way this person is an absolute piece of shit and I actually hope that karma exists to get him back (Help me My Name Is Earl, you're my only hope!).

The most pathetic thing is he did this in the damn handicapped stall. So some person with disabilities might have had to go in there and see that. They have enough hurdles to overcome and don't need this one too. This was just one of those moments that brings you down and puts a huge lack of faith in humanity in your head.

After I left the restroom, I quietly told one of the employees of the store that there was a bad mess someone left in the men's room that actually needed to be handled soon. She was polite and thanked me for letting her know before wishing me a great day.

Most men have been to bathrooms in bars. Some of your seedier bars have bathrooms where there's pee all over the seat/floor/wall (i.e. any college bar, most bars on Beale, bars in Midtown). But you never see that kind of disregard for your fellow man in friggin stores at 6PM on a weekday. This is just blatant contempt for every other person on the planet. I actually hope that this is something this piece of shit will remember and regret for the rest of his meaningless life.

So I have to ask myself, what exactly would I have done if I had walked in immediately after the offender deficated? Would I have called him out in front of everyone? Would I have taken him to the manager? Would I have actually called him the piece of shit he is and used the other toilet? I honestly don't know. I actually hope I never have to deal with this again.

Ok, that's the end of my lengthy rant. If you wish you hadn't read it, I'm sorry, but I wish I hadn't seen the two Mr. Hankeys on the floor. I just hope that this story will inspire all of us to raise our children with a little more respect for everyone else.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

8 Things I Think I Know

2007-06-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

1. Italian Fest is always a bad idea, and I love it. I have a lot of stories. And I had some great pics. But I won't post or tell them, because it involves coworkers. If you need an explanation beyond that, raise your IQ a little and figure it out.
But I will say a few things that involved only me or the general crowd:

a. when Gabby, the Mexican man who manages your office's property, hands you a shot glass full of tequila, you'd better smile and take it. Then be prepared to take another a little while later and forget the rest of the night. It was actually really cool and livened up the party more than it should have been.

b. when someone walks around with a tray full of cut up sausage bites, try one or two. Not 10. No matter how many tequila shots you've taken.

c. the mullets at Italian Fest are just as awesome as they are at BBQ fest.

d. pee before you leave Italian Fest. It's a long drive to the Flying Saucer in Cordova, and the bouncer doesn't like it when you say "listen shorty, I gotta pee. I'll come back and give you my ID in a few minutes after I drain some beer." I wonder why.

2. Not eating dinner before the Ptolemy Clubroom party is always a bad idea as well. The night went downhill quickly after the first few drinks. I also didn't like all the crap I got for not finding a costume. Sorry I couldn't come up with anything in the "Egyptian theme." But I wore flip flops with a cotton shirt and blue jeans. I'm pretty sure that's good enough.
And how the hell did I miss out on the ice luge? That sucks. I'll never leave early to go to a bar again. For those of you that didn't hear, apparently there was a nice ice sculpture that people started taking shots from. Now that's pretty damn cool.
By the way, did anyone come dressed up in a Raleigh Egypt tshirt? That would have been funny.

3. I need to check the battery life on my camera before walking into parties. I went to clubroom on Thursday and was going to take a pic of some of the extreme costumes, but the battery was completely dead.
Oh yeah for those of you who costumed up, I'd like to give a little advice for your next costume party: If you don't have the body to pull it off, please cover it up. For the most part, everyone was very discreet, but there were a few people who showed a little more than folks wanted to see. Be proud of who you are and all that crap, but be subtle too.

4. There's a reason I don't drink whiskey. I get extremely sexy. And I know it. And then I don't behave like I should. Nuff said. I'll stick with my vodka, beer, tequila, etc.

5. I really need to make a quick statement about my working situation once and for all:
I've had a lot of people ask me about it and I appreciate the support and interest. I love my new job. I've been there for over 60 days and really feel I made the right choice. I didn't know you could actually have a job where at the end of a bad day, you look forward to the next.
Now a few things I need to say, I will not talk about the job on here or the people I work with. I'm not going to jeapordize my career like that. I really like this job and the folks I work with, but I won't go into details. I'm sure you understand.

6. I'm going to kick some ass in the weight loss tournament. We have a competition at work among 13-15 people to see who can lose the most weight IN A HEALTHY MANNER. It's based on the percentage of weight lost from the start until the end on July 31. So don't be surprised if I don't go out as much as I used to because I want to win the competition...and the money. I did pack on a few pounds over the last week or so just so the weight would be a little easier to lose, but I tried not to lose too much. I did some calculations at work last week and I know if someone loses 20 pounds it's better if they started around 195 like me (yeah I put on about 10 pounds in 2 weeks for it) rather than if they start around 250 or 300. We have some big guys in the office who are going to try to lose a ton of weight. The problem with that (that I see) is when you first start on a weight loss regimen, you lose some big weight quickly and then plateau out for a while. I was already on a regimen that I am accustomed too. My body is already used to the higher metabolism so I have that in my favor. Here's my plan:
I'm going back to swimming 5 miles a week, and I'll add running a minimum of 5 miles a week to it. There will be no weight lifting because I won't try to add any muscle mass. I'm going to eat my carbs in the early parts of the day and try to stick with vegetables and meat in the evenings. I'm going to tone down on the beer and drink vodka more. I think I have a very good chance at winning this. Especially since most of the folks in the competition are in their mid to late 30s.

7. The Thursday Tactical Drinking Team needs to kick back into high gear. It's been too long since we met up. I feel we need an emergency meeting soon, maybe next week. I'm trying to work on my weight loss regimen this week and need every night since I'm going out of town this weekend.

8. I need to do a 'Best Of' covering the last month or so. I never got around to posting pics from music fest or a few other things that I need to put out there.

That's all I have. Sorry I've slacked a lot lately, but I really don't want to sit in front of a computer after 10 hours at work each day (including an hour lunch). I'll try to work on it, but I'm not promising anything.

World's Worst MILF

2007-05-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

So I was checking out Break.com and there was this pic in a picture gallery. I think the title was Bedroom Stripper Pole or something like that.

I thought it was pretty damn funny until I looked at the mirror by her legs. Check it out:

Is she seriously practicing on a stripper pole in her bedroom WHILE HER KIDS PLAY GAMES IN THE CORNER?

What the hell do I say to something like that? I could say something positive about how she's maintaining her steady job to support the kids. I could say something smartass about how her kids are f'ed for the rest of their lives and how they'll need continuous therapy from kindergarten on? Or I could just let your imagination run wild.

For those of you waiting the recap from the weekend, I'll get to it once I get the pics emailed to me for the time on the water. Here's a set of recap hints: Zombies, Art at E&H, skiing nuclear waste, Cordova Flying Saucer, one last drink, Blue Monkey, fuzzy memories, and lots of hangovers.

The Long Delayed BBQ Fest Recap

2007-05-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

You don't have to say anything. Mendi has already chastised me via email for not putting this up. So here is my recap with photos (I know at least two people who have been dreading this...more on that later)

I missed Thursday night of BBQ Fest because by the time I took a shower and got dressed after running and swimming at the gym it was after 8:30. That and I "tweaked" my right shoulder swimming. It's fine now. It was fine Friday morning. I did an underwater flip and felt a sharp twing in the joint/muscle area. But we're all good now.

So I missed Thursday, but made it to Friday night. Let's just say it was a great time. Some people wonder why I love BBQ fest more than Music Fest. Here are two good reasons:
Girls actually dress nicely. And they are (for the most part) a lot classier than the least common denominators you find at Music Fest. They just look hotter at BBQ Fest than Music Fest.

Oh yeah people on teams get GREAT tshirts. Like this guy:

In case you can't read his shirt, it says "Eat Me...Bad Ass Friends Cook Bad Ass BBQ." I think it's an instant classic.

One aspect of Memphis in May that many folks don't know about is what I like to call the Bible Beaters. These are radical religious nuts who sit outside the entrance to Memphis in May events (sometimes they are on Beale St too) and proclaim how everyone who attends these events is going to Hell. They never really make any rational arguments. It's more like they are stereotyping us all as drunks, sinners, fornicators and overall heathens because we like music, alcohol, BBQ, and fun with both friends and strangers. Wait, maybe they're right.

Kidding. This is a picture I took of a Catholic arguing with the Bible Beater.

I overheard the Catholic say that he went to confession that day. The BB explained (over the loud speaker his son was holding) that going to confession was not enough to wash away his sins and he would perish in eternal damnation. I'm not Catholic, but I know enough that in their denomination of Christianity if you confess your sins to God through the priest, you are forgiven. This is a classic example of two different viewpoints of the same basic religious beliefs butting heads. Of course if we were Muslims in the Middle East we'd start a war between the groups over this argument.

Wait. What the hell am I doing? This is supposed to be a recap of my drunken escapades at BBQ Fest. Sorry. On with the shenanigans!

When the brother and I finally got into BBQ fest I pulled out my handy dandy list of teams to visit. And then that went to shit. We were walking to one of the furthest teams to start at the far end and work our way back to the gate when I looked to my right and saw Duchess Colleen in her tent. We stopped in as she was promising Duchess AP that she would come see her. We grabbed a beer and headed that way.

Along the path I ran into many folks I hadn't seen in a while. One woman was someone I hadn't seen in about a year or so. When we saw each other we hugged and said our hellos. I didn't say anything too memorable. She on the otherhand did. Since Duchess Colleen and the brother heard it, I have witnesses. She says "damn! You are looking so good in that shirt. Like a lolipop. I want to lick you all over...and that says a lot coming from a lesbian."

Now you see why I won't say who she is. We laughed and talked for a sec before our trek continued. We made it to the Sicilian Smokers tent. I'm not going to list everyone I know on that team. But thanks to them for showing us a great time. I'll get to those stories and pics later.

After a bit the brother and I headed to another team. When we got there, he looked into the tent next door and said "Looks like someone's trying to copy Coyote Ugly, but actually make it Ugly." Here's the pic (sorry for the quality):

I'd say they had cougars on the bar, but they were probably drunken wives. That's one thing about BBQ Fest most of the women you see who look like cougars are actually just drunken wives who've thrown all inhibitions to the wind.

We made it to a coworker's tent in the "shoulder" section. They were playing the "flip cup" drinking game. It was fun, but the badass thing was they set up an A/C unit in case it got hot during the day. They had a smaller tent (first year team) so it was genius. Here's a pic:

We headed back to the ribs section to keep tent hopping when we saw this river boat on the Mississippi River. I thought it was a great shot and it turned out perfect despite my best efforts:

Here's a pic of me with Duchess Colleen. Now you can see my shirt that almost turns lesbians straight:

One of the new things I saw at BBQ fest was a drunk's porta-potty. They actually have a spot to put your beer while you do your business. How cool is that?

I did get a chance to see something weird/interesting. I'm not really sure what to call him though. Fat Elvis is too easy. I kinda want to say he's a cross between Elvis and Don Vito from those Bam Margera shows on MTV. Either way it was a classic moment I couldn't pass up.

Wait! Is he doing the shocker with his right hand? Awesome.

Ok. I forget exactly when this next bit happened in relation to the Don Vito Elvis, but I think it was right before. I was in the tent and didn't see the brother anywhere nearby. I found him outside talking to two girls. I'm not going to identify them...although I should. I'll just say they are two friends of someone I know. (I think that's anonymous enough). Since this happened I have been informed that they were both "very, very, very drunk" and please "be kind, because I know deep down you are a nice guy who will do the right thing..." Whatever. I think the right thing is to tell this story:

So I walk up and the brother says "Hey, they have two questions to ask you." After they debated for a few minutes to ask, I basically told them to ask or we were walking away (I hate drama queens). In a hushed voice girl one said "ok, first question: do you know anyone we can buy some pot from at BBQ Fest?"

I don't know what my exact answer was but I remember it was something demeaning along the lines of grow up you idiots; no one sells pot at BBQ Fest; most people stop doing that in college or when they get a job.

Obviously they were a little hesitant to ask the second question. By this point I really didn't care what the second question was, I was ready to just be anywhere else. Then girl one asked the second question: "(Girl Two) wants to know if there is anyone here she can make out with?"

I immediatly came up with some excuse to keep this chick from accosting either my brother or myself so I said "You know, I hear he's a bad kisser and I think I'm coming down with something. But hold on a sec." I turned to the crowd standing around the outside of the tent and the crowd walking by and shouted:

"Excuse me folks, but we have a very desperate woman here who wants a little shmacky-shmacky face with any guy that walks by. Any takers?"

Everyone looked and went back to what they were doing. I said "sorry" and we walked away laughing.

They charged after us with the whole I can't believe you just did that and in front of all these people we know. We are so embarassed...yada yada yada. It went on for a few minutes until I said "if you're embarassed now, wait until I put it on the blog." Then girl two kicked me right in the shins. Maybe I deserved it, but I don't care. It's funny and everyone I've told the story to this week laughed their asses off. I hope you enjoyed that. Remember when I mentioned the two people who were dreading this post? That was the story. Now back to the rest of the recap.

After the brother and I escaped the Swarming Stoner Twins (I like that nickname!) we headed back to the Sicilian Smokers tent which is of course home of the infamous Uncle Scottie Too Hottie, Dr J, DP & AP, AL & JD, and whomever else I am forgetting. What did we find when we got back there?

Nuff said.

DP introduced me to a few of his friends and said "this guy does the shocker in every photo he's in." That's a great way to be introduced to someone. But I can't make a liar out of my buddy so I did the shocker in my pics throughout the rest of the night. Of course DP had to do one too.

Here's a pic of Duchess Colleen, Duchess AP, me, and DP.

Here's a pic with Dr J.

Here's a pic with the brother and some dude holding a cup over DP's head. I think he was the buddy DP introduced me to earlier.

There are more pics out there, but AP never emailed them to me so I don't know what else was going on. But I did get another shot of our ice luge girl. You can make your own jokes about the tat.

In case you don't believe that it got rowdy at their tent. This is a pic on the ground behind the food serving area.

Looks like he's quick out of the gate, but not much in the long run.

After the cops kicked us out of the park at midnight, the brother drove us and Duchess Colleen to Ernestine & Hazels. It was actually really cool because I ran into these folks from high school who were there for a wedding. I would have ended the story about now because I don't recall anything interesting happening at E&H except these two guys who realized they were gay in the middle of the bar.

I know it doesn't look like much but none of the people we were standing with could believe it. It was like these guys were having some sort of tender moment or some crap. I blurred out the faces because I don't know them and it wouldn't be fair to show them. But if you could have seen them looking at each other, it was kinda creepy and weird. I hate to say it but we sat back and laughed. It probably wouldn't have been that funny if they hadn't realized people were watching them and quickly turned back to their girls.

That's all I've got. I'm sure this is really long but that's why I postponed typing it so long. Anyway I hope you had fun.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

BBQ Fest Guidelines

2007-05-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

Last year I posted these guidelines just before Memphis In May's World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, or as anyone without a stick up their ass calls it: BBQ Fest. I believe it helped so many people that I'm reposting it this year. Enjoy. I have taken the liberty of updating a few spots (changes in yellow).

Here are my unofficial official guidelines to "Doing BBQ Fest Right"

Rule 1: Get on a team
This is easier than you think. Ask around among all your friends if they have a team. If none of them have teams, get new friends. Or find out if any friends of friends have teams. Express interest in joining their team.

It's too late to join a team now. You should have done that back in January or February. If you are interested in joining a team, then I recommend that while at BBQ Fest ask a team member of whichever team you like how you can join or be brought up for membership, etc.

What team am I on? I'm not. I have friends spread out through about 10 teams. Several of them are trying to get me to join their teams for next year. I will visit these teams (and others) and see what I like. Cold beer, hot girls, and no douchebags are a plus in my rankings.

Rule 2: Don't join a team

If you aren't going to join a team or can't, that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Send an email to everyone you know but don't carbon copy them. Say something like:"Hey, I'll be at BBQ Fest this year and I want to be sure to see all my friends. If you are on a team, please let me know because I want to say hi. Blah Blah Blah."

Don't carbon copy (cc) everyone. Just Blind Carbon Copy (bcc) or send individual emails. The key information that you want to get is
a. Team name
b. All team members you know
c. Booth location
Each bit of information is critical. You want (a) because that's the name of the team (if you don't understand that concept pull the nail out of your temple so you can start thinking again). You want to know (b) because if buddy 1 leaves and someone asks you who you know, you can point to buddy 2. Also the more people you know on a team, the more fun you'll have. And the more likely someone will know the hot girl by the keg and can introduce you (Duh!). You want to know (c) because you can't go to something if you don't know where it is.

Rule 3: Get enough of cash

You will need to buy a ticket in and you will need cab money (see rule 4)

Rule 4: DO NOT DRIVE!!!

You are going to be downtown at BBQ fest and you can't walk home (for distance and inebriation reasons). Get a cab. Or a hot girl to drive you home. What's that? You can't get a hot girl to drive you home! Well then get a cab you wimp.

I recommend a cab down there and back. Why? You take a cab down there. Say it's $20 one way (I believe that's what it is from High Point Terrace to Beale). The cab pulls up to Beale & Front to let you out. Why is this important? Because if you (or one of your friends) drove there, you will have to park in a parking garage or at someone's house. If you go to a parking garage, then you'll have to pay at least $15 dollars to park. And you'll probably have to walk a half mile just to get to Beale & Front where the cab would have let you out. Then someone will have to drive home after all that BBQ and beer. Let's do the math here:
Taking a cab: $40 round trip
Driving: $15 parking and several thousands of dollars in DUI fees and court costs

Rule 5: Pace yourself

No one wants to deal with your drunk ass at 6:30PM, so pace yourself. Eat a big meal before you go down there. No, they don't always have free food for you. So you want to deal with it properly. I also recommend either getting a B12 shot or start taking Super B Complex vitamins (I take them anyway. They help reduce stress supposedly and it's just like a daily B12 shot). This is critical if you are on a team and will be there almost 24/7.

Rule 6: Bring a Camera

Need an excuse to talk to a pretty girl? Have her take your picture with you and your buds. Or better yet take her picture. Tell her you need proof that there actually was a hot girl at BBQ Fest who wasn't slutting around from tent to tent. Kidding that line would never work, but you get the idea. Or just be honest. Chicks dig honesty right? Not.

Ladies, do you see some hot guy you want to talk to but he's too stupid to come say hi? Have your friends take a random pic with him. Sure it's forward, but you'll be the one woman that'll stand out to him for the rest of the night. At the least, you'll have a pic to make your friends who were too cool to come jealous.

Plus how cool would it be to have a pic with you and 25 of your newest friends screaming and cootie brown drunk. (aka "Drunker than Cooter Brown", it's a Southern/Redneck term that means fitshaced)

Rule 7: Be prepared for the mess

Wear comfortable clothes that you don't mind getting muddy. Simple enough right? Look good, but for God's sake, be ready to get covered in beer, mud, and sweat. Hmm...beer mud and sweat...that sounds like a redneck wedding right?

Rule 8: Be prepared to stretch your bladder

There are no bathrooms beside porta-potties. Be cool and don't mess them up. Best bet is always to be at a friend's tent when nature calls. Each team has one porta-pottie (some bigger ones have two).

Rule 9: Watch the language please

Late at night when everyone is tore up from the floor up, just about anything goes. But remember that Wednesday night is for the families (and is not open to the general public) and some people will bring their kids in the early evening. So while the kids are around, watch the cussing, you dick.

Rule 10: Ladies, watch the four letter words

Ok, this one is for the women. Ladies, at BBQ fest, there are no four letter words. Four letter words include but are not limited to the following:
"can't"
"won't"
"stop"
"don't"
Ok, I'm kidding. And I totally stole that joke. But ladies, if you are going to BBQ Fest, don't put up the "bitch shield" please. We are cool and are all having fun. This is BBQ Fest. We don't have any room for your ego inside these 'small' tents.

Rule 11: Wear sunscreen

People bump into each other. If you are there during the day, you need to put on sunscreen. Otherwise you're going to be in a lot of pain all day and night.

Rule 12: If you are sketchy and drunk, don't dance on the bar. For the love of humanity, please don't dance on the bar!

Two years ago, I was with a group and one of the guys had a friend with a team nearby. We went in and had a few beers and jello shots. They had a bar built in a U shape. On each of the three sides, there was a stripper pole built into the top of the bar. There were these hot drunk girls dancing. One of the girls obviously brought the ugly friend. Well the ugly friend had gotten a hold of a few too many jello shots, obviously. The ugly friend wanted attention, so she had her friend and several people lift her drunk ass up on the bar. Let's take a brief pause to memorize this formula:

Drunk girl craving attention + too many Jello shots + dancing on bar + beer and liquor spilt all over top of bar = funny ass fall

That's right, she fell and busted her ass. I heard through the gossip telegraph in the crowd that she ripped one of the following items: her skirt, her shirt, and/or her panties. That makes for a semi-funny story. An embarassing story for her, but a semi-funny one for us.

Rule 13: finally, HAVE FUN!!!

This should go without saying, but you need to have some fun. You've worked hard and have had a lot to deal with in your life. So go have some fun. If you see me, say hi, but at least remind me how we know each other. If you're just a reader whom I've never met, let me know.

Rule 14 (added in 2007): remember things change from year to year.

Between BBQ Fest in 2005 and in 2006, the tent I attended with the best party/crowd changed. I won't say who went from first to last. That won't be fair, and I'd probably be banned. But the team that had the ridiculous crowd that was wild in '05 was tame in '06 (plus a few people I was trying to avoid showed up there). Turns out other teams were twice as crazy and fun, but I missed part of it because I was waiting at another tent waiting to capture the magic again from the previous year.

Anyhoo, I hope this has helped. Have a great BBQ Fest and be sure to get some on ya!

Sad Day...Raiford's is closed

2007-05-13T20:06:00.000-05:00

I know I've been missing a lot of posting potential, but I saw this on two other Memphis blogs. Raiford's has closed. Check out the story on Downtown Paul's and CA Mark's. This is an end to a Memphis landmark. In honor of our collective mourning I'll tell my favorite Raiford's experience:

I was home from college one summer. My buddy DP came over and I cooked steaks. We had a bunch of beers and decided that we needed to head out for the night. We grabbed a six pack to last until we got downtown. We went to Ernestine & Hazels for a few hours. After a bunch of beers, I got a call that some friends were "probably" heading to Raiford's. So we jumped in the car and headed there. We walked in and grabbed our 40's.
My back was to the dance floor as I took my first sip. I felt a woman's hand grab my hand and pull me to the dance floor. I handed DP my beer and said adios. When we got to the dance floor I realized through the clouds of smoke and my beer goggles that it was my friend's mother. She's a good family friend also so I knew I wasn't going to be in trouble. We danced for a song or two when all of a sudden she looked me in the eyes and grabbed my shoulders. I had no idea what was about to happen as she spun me around to face the walkway coming up the dance floor. As I regained my balance I saw a man coming straight at me with his fist clenched and pulled back in order to punch me in the face. He saw who I was, and I realized who he was - her husband, my friend's father. His fist dropped, and he stuck out his hand to shake mine. We said our hellos and then he said to get back to dancing with his wife so I didn't have to.
I danced a few more songs and then went back to find DP. My other friends never showed up so we decided to head back to E&H. The problem was DP drank both his 40 and mine while I was dancing. No big deal. When we got to E&H, I ordered two soul burgers. DP excused himself to go to the bathroom. I drank and chatted the folks around us. After the soul burgers arrived, I wolfed mine down and looked around for DP. I couldn't find him anywhere until I looked outside. He was sitting on the sidewalk making sure E&H's wall didn't fall down. I put his burger in front of him, but he did feel like eating (or staying upright). Now in all fairness we were both beyond fitshaced. But we had to get home. As I was the more sober one I ate his burger to coat my stomach in a little grease. I drover us home and called it a night. Probably shouldn't have driven, but I was young, stupid, and in college.

That's my favorite Raiford's memory. Unfortunately there are hardly any great memories from Raiford's. Most involved drunken stupidity...either on my part or someone else's. I had a chance to go three weeks ago and I passed it up. Kinda wish I hadn't, but it's too late now.

Anyone know if he'll reopen elsewhere?

MIA

2007-05-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

No I'm not dead. Just really busy and exhausted. I'll catch up soon. Hopefully I'll be able to get that pic of the Memphis indigenous citizens fooling around on the banks of the Mississippi after MusicFest. I hope it turns out well.

The Best Laid Plans...

2007-05-01T22:38:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday I left Memphis after work. I had plans to go to the Lord T & Eloise show at Proud Larry's in Oxford, MS. I drove down Byhalia Road to Hwy 78. As I was about to get on the highway I got behind this Toyota pick up truck. I call this "Only in the Sticks."

I know that pictures are worth a thousand words, but for those of you who don't get what I'm showing, these are dogs riding on a tool box in the back of a pickup. I'm honestly surprised they didn't slide off when he turned onto the on ramp. Btw did you know it's bad for your dog's long term vision to ride like that OR with its head out the window? The high winds dry out the eyes and over time that can lead to premature blindness. Just an FYI.

So back to the night at hand. The plan was to go to the show with the sister, Mags, and PeyPey. I was going to leave after the show and head home to go to bed early for work the next morning. How many of you see where this is going?

Fortunately Mags and PeyPey brought a friend Jeff who turned out to be the youngest brother of a fraternity brother of mine. Small world. My old buddy Yankee also made it. I'm jealous of him. He was at Ole Miss when I was a junior and is still there.

Quick question: can I consider this a rush party for my Thursday Tactical Drinking Team? Maybe I should just consider this giving my stamp of approval to a satellite branch. Or should I look at it like Fight Club: they're just popping up every where. Hmm...

Anyhoo, Lord T & Eloise kicked ass. It was a great show and the crowd was really into it. There's nowhere better to see a bunch of white kids go crazy over rap than Ole Miss. I kept thinking that half these kids would be doing the hippie/jam-band dance most other nights but they were acting like it was a rap video on Yo! MTV Raps. Wait, how long has that show been off the air now? And how old do I feel after that reference. Btw, for those of you who don't know the hippie dance, imagine a white kid with shaggy hair and a baseball hat looking at his shoes while moving his shoulders and head side to side and bouncing his body. Another variation is looking at the band on stage nodding and soft punching the air in front of you with the occasional look skyward as the dancer says one of the few words he knows in the song.

I had seen Lord T & Eloise several times, but this was my favorite performance. I just think it was the right sized venue. The crowd was really uninhibited and into it.

After the show we all hung out. Here's a pic with Laura. She's one of the regulars at the tent during football season. I met her through Yankee & WeakBitch just after I graduated.

The sister decided she was tired and wanted to head back to the dorm since she had class at 10 the next morning. I told her she needed to stay because I had work at 7 back in Memphis, and I was still partying. Of course she's smarter than I am so she went home.

PeyPey wanted to go find Lord T & Eloise. She swore they were on the Square at a bar somewhere. So we went looking. Her older sister is good friends with a few of the guys in the band and they played her 21st birthday party earlier this year. We went into five bars on the Square and never found them. It felt weird visiting my old stomping grounds and not running into anyone I knew. Fortunately my buddy Kyle was in town for Double Decker last weekend. Ran into him while we were crossing the street. He was headed one way and we were headed the other so we only spoke for a few minutes. PeyPey and I ran into Downtown Grill to meet up with Mags and Jeff. It was at that point that the chugging began. It was last call as we walked in. Somehow in the span of those 15 minutes, I had two pints of Guinness and a white russian, a "Caucasian" to all you friends of The Dude. Who got that movie reference?

Even during this chug fest I managed to get a few pics. Here's PeyPey and Mags.

Here's a pic of me with them.

So after we took our pics and drank our drinks we were shuffled out the door by Oxford's finest rent-a-cops, Cobra Security. Some shenanigans ensued in the parking lot. One that didn't involve anyone we knew was this girl who walked by us (my friends knew who she was, but she wasn't with us). She said hey to our little group and then walked over and jumped some guy in the parking lot. Jumped in the "skinemax" sense. Literally she jumped, threw her arms around his neck, and wrapped her legs around his waist. This wouldn't be so funny until another girl who was chasing after her said "...what are you doing? You just met him tonight!"

How much do you miss college now?

We all headed back to Jeff's house to late night. For those of you who are uninitiated in the ways of Ole Miss, the bars close at 1 on Thursday and Friday. All the folks who want to keep partying go to someone's house/apartment to keep drinking, etc.

Next thing I know, I look at the clock and it's 2am. I have to be at work in Memphis at 7am. I have an hour and half drive home. This is not good. Jeff said I could crash on his couch. Everyone who was still standing went home and I got the couch. I laid there alone for about 20 minutes trying to convince myself that I wasn't wide awake. I finally accepted the truth at 2:20 and went to my truck. I hopped in and headed back home. I had stopped drinking around 1 anyway so I wasn't worried. I just wanted to get home and go to bed. It's amazing how little traffic is on a country road at 2:30 in the morning. At 3:27 I pulled into my driveway. I'm still not sure how that happened, but I'm quite glad I made it home safely.

As I went into work I was a zombie. I took my first phone call and was wide awake for the rest of the day. I didn't need any red bull or caffeine all day. I was shocked. Of course my sleep patterns have been "off" since that night.

At this point I would like to ask all my female readers to stop reading and not view the next pic.

Have you women stopped?

Ok guys, I noticed this in one of my pics. Consider a gift. I didn't want any of my female readers to see this because then every man in their life is going to have to hear them complain for the next month about how fat their ass is and their cellulite problem and this problem with their self-image and that problem with their self confidence. It's even worse since swimsuit season is almost here.

I hope you have enjoyed this pic of pure college tush. Have a great one and don't get none on ya...unless it's some of that!

Ted, Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

2007-04-30T22:53:00.000-05:00

So I've been slacking on my blogging lately. And I probably couldn't care less. I'm not going to jeapordize my new job by blogging at work whenever I come up with something clever or insightful.

Real quick. Saturday morning I went with the brother and father to help the sister move some of her stuff out of the dorm. There were several bulletin boards on her floor. They were all boring, but there was one that was so damn funny I had to get my pic with. I'm wasn't sure which would be better so I did two poses.

Thumbs Up:Shocker:I'm thinking the thumbs up pic is better.

Seriously though, what the hell can I say about this? It's so stupid that it speaks for itself. I really feel compelled to come up with something witty and funny as hell. But what do you say about a board about STD's in a girl's dorm room? I don't remember any boards like that when I lived in a dorm. Of course nothing survived more than a few days in the guy's dorm without being destroyed...except the coke machine.

Btw anyone know where the title quote comes from?

Hmm...

2007-04-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

Does it make you a bad person to honk your horn as you drive through a "Deaf Child" area?