Memphis or Nashville: Pick Your Poison

Before I start, anyone who is even slightly in favor of Politically Correct things, stop reading now. A few comments made here may offend you. You loser. Get your underwear untwisted and leave my blog.

I was having an email conversation this morning with a few folks. One of them who lives in Nashville said this:

“did I tell ya'll about the (gay man slang) that grabbed my pecker in the park?”

We responded with the usual hetero-macho male comments:

“did you tip him?”
“did you thank him?”
“why would you call yourself a (gay man slang) for touching yourself?”
“was he reaching around or something ‘for a towel?’ ”

We all had our respective laughs and then my friend from Nashville told us the story:

In all truth, I had gone for a long run and wore my self out. Went to the bathroom at the park to splash water on my face. There was a fellow in there taking a slam, I figured that out when he flushed the toilet. After he flushed I looked up and saw him, he said to me, in a straight voice, at least I thought, "its pretty hot out there isn't it."

Not thinking much of it I respond with "yes it’s really hot, I am worn out from the heat."

Now there are a lot of middle aged men that take their kids to the park, I thought he was one of them. He comes and stands right next to me to clean his hands. When I stand up and start walking out the door he says "how you doin" (this is when I first heard his gay voice) and grabs my pecker head. I must say I was in a bit of shock and all I could say back was "dude, I was doing better before that crap."

I didn't stick around, but after I was out of the bathroom I heard him say sorry in a gay voice…

After that point my friend goes on to discuss if he had hit the guy would have been a hate crime or self-defense. I think he argued that in a practical world it would be considered self-defense, but in today’s society it would be a hate crime. And on and on. I’ll save you those details.

So why am I sharing this with you? Because I have several friends who live in Nashville or are from Nashville originally. They all swear that Nashville is better than Memphis in every aspect. Memphis is full of crime and yada yada yada. I’ve heard it for years. Let me make this statement:

If I go into a bathroom in a Memphis park, I’ll probably be robbed (especially if it’s downtown, right Paul? FYI Paul is our newly appointed crime prevention blogger). But apparently if I go into a bathroom in a Nashville park, I’ll probably be felt up by some dude or even raped. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be robbed than “lose the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed.” So to all you Nashvegans, don’t look down at your noses at the Memfricanos anymore. Your city is not that perfect. Our sketchy citizens may take your money, but they don’t take care of you prison shower style.

Now, please don’t read this as a declaration of war between our cities. This was just an attempt to show a bit of tarnish on Nashville’s collective ego as the premiere local in the state. Memphis still has a plethora of problems (why do you think so many people move to North Mississippi, the suburbs, Tipton County, and Fayette County?) But Nashville’s not perfect either.

So remember to guard your pecker head the next time you visit Nashvegas and have to use the bathroom. Apparently that’s where the gay men cruise for new meat.

Songs on the Playlist:
Pat Green – Here We Go
O.A.R. – Hold On True
Widespread Panic – Love Tractor
Widespread Panic – Imitation Leather Shoes
Oasis – Don’t Look Back In Anger
ZZ Top – Tube Snake Boogie (is that appropriate for this post?)
The Rolling Stones – Jigsaw Puzzle
Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper