Friday I got off work and was driving home. I decided to be good and stopped by the gym first. I had a nice workout and went home. On the way home I was making the "what the hell are we doing tonight" calls. I called the former Shady Duchess. She was on the other line so I left her a voicemail:
"Hey. How are you? I'm well. I really hope you're doing OK now that you can't wear your crown anymore when you go out in public. Are you going to be OK with being a normal person again or do we need to schedule counseling or something for post-Carnival depression?"
Ok, I didn't really say that verbatim, but that's basically what I said. I got the call 3 minutes later:
"That was so horrible. How could you say that? You don't know how much I miss it. I was just talking to (another duchess) saying how I couldn't believe that I actually had a weekend without a party scheduled."
She told me that she was going out with two friends from college who are newlyweds, V (wife) & K (husband). I told her I'd meet her at her place around 8. I showed up around 8:45. I walked in and she offered me a beer. I got a nice, cold Michelob Ultra. Halfway through I felt like a woman after 28 days. I felt bloated. I really felt like someone had taken an air hose and filled up my torso with about 25 lbs of air. I did appreciate the beer, of course, but damn if I forgot how much Ultra sucks. Of course it is a "weight loss" beer. You drink one and you feel full.
So we duck out of the apartment and head out to Newby's first. Someone suggests that we all ride in one car. They said "Hey, Philip do you mind driving? We've all been drinking for over an hour." I tell them if two of them want to crawl in the backseat of a truck, we can take my car. Otherwise, I'm driving someone else's ride. We take the former Shady Duchess's Nissan Riceburner. I don't know what kind it specifically was, but she had the seat up close to the steering wheel and the top leaned back. I was flexing, yall. After I adjusted everything to make it drivable (sp?), she put in some crappy rap mix. We roll to Newby's at 9:30. It was dead. We stayed there about 2 hours. We got there and saw our buddy Little L.
After a beer, I order a jagerbomb for myself and K. I heard them talking earlier about how much he likes jager. Then the ladies decided to start taking buttery-nipples. Ever had one? It's totally a chick shot. (By the time I left the group that night they had done about 12 between the two of them). We hung out and shot the proverbial shiznit for a while.
Funny story! While we were there, there was some dude sitting on my right. Apparently he was on a strict budget, because he was keeping track everytime he ordered a beer. How do I know this? Because he had only 30-something in cash and was trying to drink as much as possible in beer and be able to leave a tip. I think at his last beer he had his $28 on his tab. I don't remember exactly how much Bud Light was, but he was nice and shithoused. How do we know he was f'ed up? Well the best clue was when he kept shouting to another couple down the bar and they wouldn't pay him any attention. He asked me to get their attention. I said "excuse me, but this guy would like to tell you something apparently." He then said the following words (I shite you not):
"Yall are a great couple. I mean you've got it going on. Good for you."
Some of you (read: my women readers) may say "Aww, that was so sweet of him." Well read it now as he said it:
"Listenyallareagreat couple! I mean you've got...it...going...on. Goodforyou."
Sound a little creepy? It kinda was. Somehow I got associated with him in the dude's mind. By the way, dude of the couple was NOT happy. He just stared and looked at us both. The drunk to my right was trying to give them a compliment, but it came off all creepy. It turns out that they have been married for 7 years and yada yada yada. But apparently drunk dude was in love with some girl (hmm...I wonder where she was on a Friday night) and felt this cosmic bond with the rest of the lovers in our world. Everytime he sees a sunset, his heart fills with love and hope for the rest of us. Or as he tried to explain it to them:
"You'rereallylucky. I just found a great girl. And yall are really lucky. We've been together about month. And yall areagreatcouple. She is really special to me so I feel it. You've got...it...going...on."
This of course segue wayed into a conversation between that married couple and the married couple in our group. You know the conversations married couples who don't know each other have:
So how long have you been married?
Oh that's a pretty ring?
Do you have any kids yet?
When are you going to have kids?
blah blah blah
The former Shady Duchess and I both rolled our eyes. Oh yeah, she is no longer called the Shady Duchess. She renamed herself by accident. We were talking about God knows what when she said "Yeah, I can't be called a duchess anymore (or even a Shady Duchess). Now I'm just a Hasbeen." So she is now our official 'Hasbeen of the Month'. What's her prize? She can by me a drink.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the only quote of the night. V apparently has a tendency to say funny things without meaning to. The girls were using the women's facilities when V pronounced to the Hasbeen the following statement:
"It's hot and I'm stuck in the bathroom!"
Yeah, I know it's not the funniest thing I've ever heard either, but they were laughing and made me promise to post it if I actually wrote anything about that night.
After a while I decided that it was in my best interest to clog my arteries. So I ordered Newby's smothered tots. Let me explain how great these are: tater tots with ketchup & sour cream on the side. The tots are covered in melted cheese and bacon bits. Sounds great right? It is. Well apparently V is a big fan of eating while drinking. Here are three pics of her eating and trying to hide it. Think I made her a little self conscious?
Yeah I do too. FYI, the brunette is the Hasbeen. The blonde is V. K is in the green shirt. They are really cool folks and I hope we can hang out again.
So after a while, we left and went to Brookhaven. I stayed out until about 12:45. I caught a cab home because I had to the family thing Saturday. I'm glad I did because they stayed out drinking till 3. Little L met us out there and drove them home after his shift.
Saturday I drove to Batesville for an early Father's Day with my grandfather. When I got there I found that my 7 year old cousin was there too. Guess what that means? A slightly hungover 26 year old in loafers gets to play baseball with a 7 year old. Yeah! It actually was a lot of fun. I got home around probably 5 or 6PM. I was going to go out with the Hasbeen again, but she didn't call me back until 8:45 to make plans. By that point I had my weekend's moment of clarity and decided to stay in. So yeah, I didn't do anything Saturday night. And you know what? I had a blast.
Sunday I spent most of my time doing laundry and watching World Cup. I don't even remember who we watched, but it was all good. I picked up my grandmother and drove to the 'rent's house in G'town. We had steaks and lots of food. Dad got a new DVD player because he'd had the same one since the mid-90s. No, I don't think you understand how old this is. When you put in a DVD, you have a menu on the player itself pop up on screen that asks what you want to do. How 'tarded is that? It simply blows my mind. There were no subtitle capabilities with it (at least none that were worth anything). On top of the DVD player, I got him Band of Brothers. If you've never seen that and you like war movies, I highly recommend it. I love it. It is a 10 episode mini-series from HBO that tells the story of the 101st Airborne from training through the end of WWII. Amazing.
I raced home after dropping my grandmother off and caught Entourage. I missed Deadwood but I'll catch it today after I get home.
Alright, I'm outta here. I hope you had a good weekend.
Songs on the Playlist:Widespread Panic - Heroes
Widespread Panic - Wondering
The Black Crowes - Soul Singing
George Clinton & Parliament - Flashlight
The Black Crowes - Jealous Again
David Gray - This Year's Love
The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
Garth Brooks - Two Pina Coladas
Weezer - Say It Ain't So
Dave Matthews Band - So Much To Say
Green Day - American Idiot
Van Halen - Can't Stop Loving You
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Fishin In The Dark
3 comments:
I find it odd how much I enjoy reading what you did over the weekend, something may be wrong with me... but as long as I'm admitting this, thanks for including pics, keeps me interested when I feel myself fading out
MG - There's nothing wrong with you. I have many friends who live vicariously through my antics (most are married guys who miss their single days while a few are wives who miss being chased).
Joey - She has decried that she's a hasbeen and will now be called such on here. You can keep calling her the shady duchess if you want.
That's a badass idea! Let's do that.
Post a Comment