HNT

According to the dude who runs this HNT thing, this is some anniversary of the first ever HNT or something. I don't know, I didn't pay attention when I read it. Go figure right? He made two rules:
Post a celebration pic and repost your first HNT.

Here is the celebration pic. I am holding a Rockstar (rockstar energy drink & Vodka)
Here is my first HNT. It's a shot of my left leg. Obviously I don't wear "highwater" jeans. I had to pull them up for the shot.
Happy HNT to all you bloggers out there (this thing is kinda getting old, don't you think?)

Where's Waldo?

I feel rested. Without warning I took a vacation day yesterday. Where did I go?

FISHING BABY!!!

Of course everyone at work wanted to know why I just took off a random Wednesday. My answer to them? NONEYADAMNBIDNESS!

Did I catch anything? Nothing worth keeping (i.e. nothing over ten inches).

Any stories to tell about it? Nope. All I did was fish and relax. I needed that like you wouldn’t believe.

Why didn’t I post anything about it Tuesday? I was busy after work and my computer at work was messing up all day. I couldn’t get on my personal email for some reason. Today everything is fine. So I went two days without blogging, and it wasn’t bad at all. I know some of you might have been a little miffed about it. Sorry.

Well what is on the schedule now? BBQ Fest tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday. I’ll put up plenty of pics for that starting Friday.

Oh yeah, I’ll get up the HNT later today too.

Pics are Working now

These are the pics that go with the previous post from today.

Here is the pic from graduation. Who is the stud in the seersucker suit?
Here is the pic of the same stud with two hotties.
This is the pic of the Rockstar. The flash made it look like a screwdriver, but you get the idea. It had very little Rockstar and a lot of Vodka.
Here is a pic of Tishamingo. I recommend going to see them if you like Southern rock.
Songs on the Playlist:
Robert Earl Keen - Feelin Good Again

Weekend Recap without pics (thanks Blogger)

Note: there are pics to go with this, but Blogger is effing up and I can't get the pics uploaded. Thanks Blogger. I had a few great ones too.

It’s time for the weekend recap. Why haven’t I put it up yet? Because I was going to take a ton of the pics and crop them to make them look better. But hey, I spent my Sunday doing other stuff. And I don’t have Photoshop or Picassa at work. So the few pics I put up will be the unedited ones. I know I won’t have time to do it tonight because I’m going to work late and then go to the gym.

Friday I worked late. I probably left the office just before 6PM. I knew I had to get up at 6AM so I declined all invitations to go out. Of course I passed up the invite to the Super T show at the UClub. I heard from various sources that it was just ok. There was also a rumor floating around that I was going to Raiford’s after the show. Let’s see, that was a 1AM phone call. Where was I? In bed trying to sleep. What was the rumor? I had been at the UClub and I was already headed down to Riaford’s to meet up with everyone. Yea, I don’t think so. I haven’t been to Raiford’s since November. The last time before that, the “world’s biggest asshole/cokehead” had a group of us there. He convinced us to let him get the VIP room and after we got it, he told us to pay up $40 each. Then he tried to get us to take the Raiford’s limo back to Beale. I don’t like going to Raiford’s. It is overrated unless you have a hot dance partner to take with you. (now you partly understand why I don’t like to go to Raiford’s).

I also got a call inviting me down to Silky’s on Beale St. I had to decline that one unfortunately. That would have been fun though.

Why is it that the nights I am staying in to get up early on Saturdays, people want to know what the hell I'm doing? I'm not complaining. I just think it's funny.

At 3:30AM the roommate came home. I heard what sounded like a herd of women in high heels walking on the hardwood floors. Obviously it woke me up. I tried to go back to sleep, but they were pretty loud. Then nature called so I threw a shirt on and headed to the bathroom. For some reason they were standing in the hallway: two girls and the roommate. In my groggy state, I said “morning” and walked into the bathroom. When I walked out, one of the girls was all into the roommate and the other was smiling at me. I was tired. She was kinda cute, but I wasn’t ready to have the drunk girl/sober guy conversation. She wasn’t cute enough to make it worth the trouble. I just went back to bed. Then the herd of women in high heels left with the roommate.

About three hours later my alarm went off. I needed another few hours of sleep, but I wasn't going to get them. I got to my grandmother’s house around 7 to go to Ole Miss graduation for the brother, but of course she was running late.

We got to Oxford and the graduation was delayed an hour due to rain. It finally let up and everything was great. Here is a pic of myself, the brother, and the sister in front of the Grove after commencement. I’m pretty proud of him for this.

(this is where the first pic would be)

After graduation we went to my other grandparents’ house. Had a late lunch and a few bottles of champagne. I looked at my watch at five till 5. I remembered I had to be at Lolo’s downtown at 7PM. I grabbed my grandmother, threw her in her car, and went ‘boogedy-boogedy-boogedy’ up I-55 to Memphis (that’s a Nascar term for those of you not in the know). I dropped her off. On the way up I got an invite to preparty at Duchess Jana’s crib on Main St. Great apartment, great view. After a glass of wine, we went to Lolo’s Table where I saw RD and Kat. Hung out for a while, said hi to Kellie Ann (who will be missed), and left. Because of UNrepeatable drama that was going down at Lolo’s, I raced out to go to Newby’s. I had been texted by Duchess Les to meet up with her and a few friends. I got there early and had a few coronas and an order of tots. A little while later Duchess Les and her two friends showed up. One was Amanda and I can’t remember the guy’s name. He was pretty cool. He’s getting his masters at Mississippi State. Despite that, he was a pretty cool guy. Here’s a pic of Amanda, a really hot guy, and Duchess Les.

(here is where a pic of yours truly with two lovely ladies would be)

I had a few more coronas and then we switched to Rockstars (bad idea). I remember being asked to save the cups so they could take them home. Bad idea. I know I had Rockstars as did Les and Amanda. I remember at the end of the night they had about 6-8 cups between the two of them (we had a few on the band side too that weren’t in the fancy cups). Here is a pic of one of my Rockstars from the band side. It was really stout. The pic makes it look like there’s more Rockstar than Vodka, but trust me I actually winced when I took a sip. It was awesome.

(here would be a pic of my hand with a drink)

Oh yeah, we caught Tishamingo (or Tishaminga). They rock. I’ve heard about them through the music scene for a while, but never really had any desire to see them. I am glad I went. They remind me of the Allman Brothers in their sound, but with more of a Mississippi feel. I really enjoyed myself. They finished and I got home around 2:30AM.

(here would be a pic of the band)

I woke up at 9 Sunday for no reason and couldn’t go back to sleep. I watched TV but there wasn’t anything good on. I basically wasted Sunday morning and early afternoon napping, eating, and watching TV. I went to my parent’s house for Mother’s Day. I got home about halfway through Grey’s Anatomy. I watched the second half of the episode so I have no idea what’s going on between Christina & Burk. Other than that I picked up everything. Anyone want to give me a little detail about what I missed, I’d appreciate it.

Remember how I said that things were lining up in weird ways, I wasn’t joking. Saturday night was full of drama, anxiety, and a ton of fun. I have to say it was a pretty good weekend.

Songs on the Playlist:
O.A.R. – Night Shift>Stir It Up
Billy Squier – Everybody Wants You
Jimmy Buffett – Jimmy Dreams
Widespread Panic – Wondering
Pat Green – 1-900-Lover
‘Irish Drinking Songs’ – Drink and Fight
The Who – Love Reign O’er Me
Judas Priest – You Got Another Thing Coming
The Grateful Dead – Truckin’
Jack Johnson – Fortunate Fool
INXS – Pretty Vegas
The Rolling Stones – Prodigal Son
Def Leppard – Let’s Get Rocked
Jet – Come Around Again

Ruh Roh

I think the full moon may still be around. I just have a feeling that tonight is going to be weird. I don't know if it is going to be full of great stories, but I just have a very odd feeling. Things are lining up in weird ways.

I'll be downtown at Lolo's Table (never been there) and then there's no telling where I'm headed after that.

USA! USA! USA!

If you haven't seen the Gatorade commercial with the US Soccer Team, watch this link. I still get goose bumps whenever I see it.

Sorry to my international readers for putting you through this segment of American patriotism

Hot For Teacher

Yall, this is one hot teacher.

Now I want to go back to school. Or at least college. I don't want to take any tests. I just want to chase women.

Thursday Recap

So yesterday I “got a hankering” for some BBQ. Yeah I know BBQ Fest is next week, but dammit, I wanted some BBQ. On the way to Interstate BBQ I passed these faithful welfare employees sippin’ on some syrup.I raced to Neely’s Interstate BBQ to get lunch. I was going to get a pic of lunch, but by the time I got back to work, I was ready to eat it. So here’s a pic of the sign outside. I promise to get a pic of the sandwich one day.

On the way back, the welfare employees were still hard at work making sure the front yard didn’t float away. I’m so proud of the hard work they are putting into our society. If it weren’t for people like them, we would all have to start drinking Colt 45 malt liquor.

After work was over, I headed to Midtown to help the Porters move the last few items from her old house to his. I was told that I would have to get 1 couch, 1 dresser, 1 bed frame, 1 TV, and 1 or 2 boxes. Of course as I was told this information, I was looking at this sky at 5PM: No it didn’t rain, but look at that sky. Tell me if you think that’s a bad omen.

Take a look at these pics and tell me if you think that we only had to get 1 couch, 1 dresser, 1 bed frame, 1 TV, and 1 or 2 boxes.


Yeah, it was a ton of stuff. This second pic is an example of what a great driver he is. Now, in his defense he was driving down Poplar near the main library (very narrow lanes). But, I’ve seen crackheads do a better job.

From there I headed out to the parents’ house in G’town. My sister had to move out of the dorm yesterday. Mom took my truck to Oxford to load all the big stuff. My sister was supposed to get home and have everything but the heavy crap out of my truck. When I got to there, she still wasn’t in Memphis yet. So I threw all her crap into the garage and took off. I went home to get ready to go out.

I headed to the Blue Monkey on Madison (the only standing one). There I met up with Lil’ Lloyd, Duchess Les, Duchess Jana, Queen Laura and her consort, Duchess Jana’s roommate Ashley, and two folks who work with D. Les. I had a few Coronas before the band started. THEY SUCKED. The drummer was that big guy with the curly white hair that was in the old Thursday night band, but the rest of the band was new. The singer chick reminded me of Winona Judd on a bender. The keyboarder looked like a washed up former Cars or Talking Heads member. The guitarist, well he wasn’t that impressive. They were just playing mellow stuff. I think they were just a bunch of washed up former hippies trying to get one last flashback before their bastard kids throw them into a third rate nursing home.

Was that a little harsh? Sorry, but they killed our table. I mean we were starting to really get to know the folks we didn’t and have a good time, but they were too loud and too boring. I think “buzzkill” was the word I used last night. It was so bad I had to leave. Nothing really exciting happened so I didn't get any pics from the bar. Sorry, but none of you want to see people just sitting around the table.

Oh yeah, I saw my friend Alisha there. She was with a bday party for the "most annoying man on the earth". Oh yeah, he is also the king of c-b's (he can c-b himself!). Quick story to explain his title: last summer I gave this guy a ride from my party to his car down the street (just over a mile away). As we walked out these two dorks were talking ahead of us. They said "what a bunch of tools. How stupid was that? A Hawaii 5-0 theme!" I said "Yeah, it would have been a lot cooler if we had just gone and gotten our faces all pierced up like you, huh? Get the F outta my party now!" The most annoying man just walked along and laughed. The next week I heard he was going around telling everyone that I was too drunk to drive but I did anyway and he had to restrain me from fighting. Both things were wrong. Apparently he takes stories and exaggeraes the hell out of them like that. I'll be the first to admit that I have driven when I shouldn't have in college. Now though, I'll take a cab if I shouldn't drive. So whatever.

Anyway, off that crap. I had fun last night except for the band. Thanks to Duchess Les for the invite.

What am I doing this weekend? Well I would go see Super T at the UClub tonight if I didn't have to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and drive my grandmother to my brother's graduation. Tomorrow night I am going out for Kellie Ann's going away party. Sunday is Mother's Day. I'm sure I'll come up with more things to do, but for now, I am just going to work and not worry about it.

Songs on the Playlist:
Black Sabbath – Paranoid
Brooks & Dunn – Hard Workin’ Man
O.A.R. – Delicate Few
The Grateful Dead – St. Stephen
The Doors – Love Her Madly
Eric Clapton – Hound Dog
Widespread Panic – Climb To Safety
Bush – Monkey
The Beatles - All You Need Is Love
George Strait - The Chair
The Grateful Dead - Little Red Rooster

HNT - Ron Burgundy Style

In honor of this weeks HNT, I give you two quotes from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy:

"The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods."

"Ohh, it's a deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand."


Songs on the playlist:
Widespread Panic - Coconuts
Chris Isaak - They Did A Bad Bad Thing

BBQ Fest Guidelines

Here are my unofficial official guidelines to "Doing BBQ Fest Right"

Rule 1: Get on a team
This is easier than you think. Ask around among all your friends if they have a team. If none of them have teams, get new friends. Or find out if any friends of friends have teams. Express interest in joining their team.

It's too late to join a team now. You should have done that back in January or February. If you are interested in joining a team, then I recommend that while at BBQ Fest ask a team member of whichever team you like how you can join or be brought up for membership, etc.

What team am I on? I'm not. I have friends spread out through about 10 teams. Several of them are trying to get me to join their teams for next year. I will visit these teams (and others) and see what I like. Cold beer, hot girls, and no dorks are a plus in my rankings.

Rule 2: Don't join a team
If you aren't going to join a team or can't, that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Send an email to everyone you know but don't carbon copy them. Say something like:

"Hey, I'll be at BBQ Fest this year and I want to be sure to see all my friends. If you are on a team, please let me know because I want to say hi. Blah Blah Blah."

Don't carbon copy (cc) everyone. Just Blind Carbon Copy (bcc) or send individual emails. The key information that you want to get is
a. Team name
b. All team members you know
c. Booth location

Each bit of information is critical. You want (a) because that's the name of the team (if you don't understand that concept pull the nail out of your temple so you can start thinking again). You want to know (b) because if buddy 1 leaves and someone asks you who you know, you can point to buddy 2. Also the more people you know on a team, the more fun you'll have. And the more likely someone will know the hot girl by the keg and can introduce you (Duh!). You want to know (c) because you can't go to something if you don't know where it is.

Rule 3: Get enough of cash
You will need to buy a ticket in and you will need cab money (see rule 4)

Rule 4: DO NOT DRIVE!!!
You are going to be downtown at BBQ fest and you can't walk home (for distance and inebriation reasons). Get a cab. Or a hot girl to drive you home. What's that? You can't get a hot girl to drive you home! Well then get a cab you wimp.

I recommend a cab down there and back. Why? You take a cab down there. Say it's $20 one way (I believe that's what it is from High Point Terrace to Beale). The cab pulls up to Beale & Front to let you out. Why is this important? Because if you (or one of your friends) drove there, you will have to park in a parking garage or at someone's house. If you go to a parking garage, then you'll have to pay at least $15 dollars to park. And you'll probably have to walk a half mile just to get to Beale & Front where the cab would have let you out. Then someone will have to drive home after all that BBQ and beer. Let's do the math here:
Taking a cab: $40 round trip
Driving: $15 parking and several thousands of dollars in DUI fees and court costs

Rule 5: Pace yourself
No one wants to deal with your drunk ass at 6:30PM, so pace yourself. Eat a big meal before you go down there. No, they don't always have free food for you. So you want to deal with it properly. I also recommend either getting a B12 shot or start taking Super B Complex vitamins (I take them anyway. They help reduce stress supposedly and it's just like a B12 shot). This is critical if you are on a team and will be there almost 24/7.

Rule 6: Bring a Camera
Need an excuse to talk to a pretty girl? Have her take your picture with you and your buds. Or better yet take her picture. Tell her you need proof that there actually was a hot girl at BBQ Fest who wasn't slutting around from tent to tent. Kidding that line would never work, but you get the idea. Or just be honest. Chicks dig honesty right? Not.

Ladies, do you see some hot guy you want to talk to but he's too stupid to come say hi? Have your friends take a random pic with him. Sure it's forward, but you'll be the one woman that'll stand out to him for the rest of the night. At the least, you'll have a pic to make your friends who were too cool to come jealous.

Plus how cool would it be to have a pic with you and 25 of your newest friends screaming and cootie brown drunk.

Rule 7: Be prepared for the mess
Wear comfortable clothes that you don't mind getting muddy. Simple enough right? Look good, but for God's sake, be ready to get covered in beer, mud, and sweat. Hmm...beer mud and sweat...that sounds like a redneck wedding right?

Rule 8: Be prepared to stretch your bladder
There are no bathrooms beside porta-potties. Be cool and don't mess them up. Best bet is always to be at a friend's tent when nature calls. Each team has one porta-pottie (some bigger ones have two).

Rule 9: Watch the language please
Late at night when everyone is tore up from the floor up, just about anything goes. But remember that Wednesday night is for the families (and is not open to the general public) and some people will bring their kids in the early evening. So while the kids are around, watch the cussing, you dick.

Rule 10: Ladies, watch the four letter words
Ok, this one is for the women. Ladies, at BBQ fest, there are no four letter words. Four letter words include but are not limited to the following:
"can't"
"won't"
"stop"
"don't"
Ok, I'm kidding. And I totally stole that joke. But ladies, if you are going to BBQ Fest, don't put up the "bitch shield" please. We are cool and are all having fun. This is BBQ Fest. We don't have any room for your ego inside these 'small' tents.

Rule 11: Wear sunscreen
People bump into each other. If you are there during the day, you need to put on sunscreen. Otherwise you're going to be in a lot of pain all day and night.

Rule 12: If you are sketchy and drunk, don't dance on the bar. For the love of humanity, please don't dance on the bar.
Last year, I was with a group and one of the guys had a friend with a team nearby. We went in and had a few beers and jello shots. They had a bar built in a U shape. On each of the three sides, there was a stripper pole built into the top of the bar. There were these hot drunk girls dancing. One of the girls obviously brought the ugly friend. Well the ugly friend had gotten a hold of a few too many jello shots, obviously. The ugly friend wanted attention, so she had her friend and several people lift her drunk ass up on the bar. Let's take a brief pause to memorize this formula:
Drunk girl craving attention + too many Jello shots + dancing on bar + beer and liquor spilt all over top of bar = funny ass fall
That's right, she fell and busted her ass. I heard through the gossip telegraph in the crowd that she ripped one of the following items: her skirt, her shirt, and/or her panties. That makes for a semi-funny story. An embarassing story for her, but a semi-funny one for us.

Rule 13: finally, HAVE FUN!!!
This should go without saying, but you need to have some fun. You've worked hard and have had a lot to deal with in your life. So go have some fun. If you see me, say hi, but at least remind me how we know each other. If you're just a reader whom I've never met, let me know.

Songs on the Playlist:
Pearl Jam - Evenflow
Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues
Cory Morrow - Nashville Sucks
Michael Buble - How Sweet It Is
Michael Buble - Save the Last Dance For Me
Better Than Ezra - Good
Better Than Ezra - Extra Ordinary

Weekend Recap

Well it is late Sunday night and I figured it would be easier to recap this weekend now while I wait on the Sopranos to replay at 11. Why am I waiting? Because we record two shows at 8 besides the Sopranos. So I can't watch. Why did I not go to Sopranos night? DP&AT got married last night and are now referred to as the Porters (unless they tell me to change that nickname). So obviously I shouldn't go to their home. Duh.

Well, when the weekend began I had already been out of the office for an hour and half (I got off work early). I raced home and showered, etc. I got to the rehearsal at the Church at 5:30 like we were supposed to. Well everyone else was late of course. We rehearsed. I didn't pay attention and made as many jokes as possible. Remember the scene in Old School where Vince Vaughan coughed and said "don't do it!" in the wedding? Well I did it at the rehearsal. It's still funny, but I wouldn't do something like that at the wedding. I love those two too much to do anything to ruin their wedding.

After the rehearsal everyone went to the rehearsal dinner in the ball room at the Memphis Country Club. It was a great dinner. I gave a speech. Some told me it was the best because of the story behind the speech. Here's what I did. Back in November or December, I started threatening DP & AP with a speech detailing all the details I knew that they never wanted to be spoken again. I was still threatening them at the rehearsal before the dinner. They had a microphone for the speeches after the dinner. Apparently the groom went around and told everyone to not give me the mike under any circumstances. Three people gave speeches and then the brother of the groom (Hanky Panky) got the mike. He gave a quick toast and said "Hey, I think Philip has a speech prepared!" He walked across the room and handed me the mike. I look over and the groom is white with fear. I explained to all the folks that for the last 6 months or so I had been terrorizing the bride and groom with the threat of the "bad toast". I told everyone that I had written a speech, but it wasn't what the bride and groom were expecting. It was an honest toast. I pulled the speech from my pocket and read it. This is the speech I wrote:

Some people say that the major changes in life are always an end and a beginning. Something that has defined your life ends while something that will now define your life begins. I don't believe that. I know that what has defined your life is blossoming into something new.
You were two wonderful people who lived two separate lives. Tomorrow you grow into one family. And you will take all of us with you on this journey. We are here because each of us love and support you. You are an inspiration to us. Your love renews the love and strength of every couple here. Your love is proof to the rest of us that we will find that perfect person for ourselves.
D and A, I love you both and I am so thankful for the gift of sharing this experience with you. God bless you both.

After all that buildup, do you think they were shocked? Hell yeah. After I read it, I raised my glass to toast them and both of their mouths were open. I think I did my job.

Well, after all the speeches we had a few more drinks. No one could make up their minds where they were going afterwards. I told everyone we needed to go to Newby's because it was a central location. No one came. Bastards. I had two beers and called it a night. But the highlight of the time at Newby's was the house band from Wild Bill's was playing. And it was all Memphis rock, blues, and soul. It blew my mind. I really dug it. Oh yeah, I was playing text message wars with about 4 different folks (text message war = as you reply to one text message, another person sends you one and you have a few conversations going via text message)

Saturday, I screwed around and then got to the Church at 2. The wedding was at 4 and we all had to have pics, etc. The wedding was unbelievable. The reception rocked. The father of the groom had grilled several racks of lamb and they had lamb chops for us.

About halfway through the reception, I realized that we hadn't done anything to the getaway car. And we didn't know who's car it was. I had another groomsman figure out which car it was and I ran to Walgreens for supplies. I got back and we didn't have any rope or beer cans. So we improvized. I ran inside to the groom's cake where he had a duck decoy on the stand. I grabbed that and someone found some surveyor's orange tape in their car. We tied that to the car (the groom hunts fyi). I wrote on all the windows. A few minutes later, they left. They loved the duck. All in all, it was great.

After they left, we had to help do a little cleaning up. Then one of the bartenders came to us and said "which one of yall is Philip?" I asked what I had done, they said "You need to get these kegs unless you want to leave them at the church."

DING DING DING We have a winner!

So I threw the kegs in the back of the truck and took off for home. I sent out text messages to a ton of folks. If you didn't get one, sorry. I am still plugging all my numbers into my phone and I'm not halfway done yet. Or you never gave me your cell number. In that case, fo-get you homes!

So we had these kegs at the Ponderosa and some of the wedding party and a few other folks came over. This is where the pics begin. Here is Gary (one of the groomsmen) checking the tap. A very important job. So what's one of the first things that Mike the Cordova Recluse wants to do? Keg stands. Here Gary and I are holding Mike up. Yeah, it's my house so I changed into something comfortable. And yes, those are the badass seersucker shorts. Jealous much?
Of course Mike hadn't been up there ten seconds before I had to say "No Mike, we won't hold your butt or anything." He started laughing and spitting out the beer. So we had to let him down.
Mike called me out for that and told me that I was next.

I didn't last that long because he made a similar joke and I started laughing. From there, Mike walked inside still laughing. Then he found my bar. I wasn't there to stop him. He grabbed the handle of everclear and turned it up. If you don't know what everclear is, it is PGA. Pure Grain Alcohol. 95% alcohol. Why would he do that? Mike just does that. I didn't know him in college, but I know he used to do it all the time. It's like it doesn't effect him. For about 5 minutes. How do I know that? Because he wanted to do a keg stand with his pants by his ankles. Don't believe me? A picture is worth a thousand words.
Did we do it? Hell no. I'm not holding him up. And no one else was going to either. We told him no. He called us pansies and pulled up his pants. Crisis adverted.

Here is a random pic from inside. Emmy is on the left. Mendi is in the middle. (yea, they are both on myspace) Why is there a blanket? Mendi was cold. Chilled to the bone.

After a while and much more everclear, Mike the Cordova Recluse declared that we were going to Pat O'Brien's down on Beale Street. ON MUSIC FEST WEEKEND. Again, I think Mike is absolutely retarded. Not retarded drunk. Just plain old retarded. And whenever he is done being shady and hiding in Cordova, he comes out and tears up the world like this.

Here is a pic of the Uncle (Justin from ATL) with one of Mendi's friends, Mendi, and Emmy. We are at Pat O's.

Here is a pic of Mendi and the Uncle at the piano bar. I'll give you one guess as to who was more excited about this pic.
After a while, it got really boring. How do I define boring? There was no particular girl I was flirting with and it was late. And I was ready to leave and stop drinking. So I caught a cab home and got in about 3 am. Of course everyone had left and the kegs were still here (surprise surprise). I tried to raid my fridge but of course, I didn't have anything that was ready to eat. Emmy was too drunk to drive to her hotel so I let her crash for a few hours in the spare bedroom. I crawled into my bed and fell asleep about 3:30 am.

I got up at 12:30 and saw she had already left. I started mopping up the kitchen. Mike was spilling a bunch of beer last night. Oh yeah, he decided to get into my wheaties stash and put wheaties in his beer. "It's good man! I can get nutrients while I get drunk. And fiber too!!!" I told you he's retarded. I had a text war with a few folks who couldn't make it. Kendall invited me to go to grab some food with her, her mom, and her friend in town for music fest. We went to Chili's in East Memphis. Kendall and her friend looked like they felt much worse than I did. They were chugging Diet Coke and Tea and eating. I decided that to listen to my own advise: The best way to detox is retox! So I had three frozen margaritas. Ok, stop before you get started. Chili's gives you two 10 oz margaritas when you order (happy hour deal until like 10PM). I can't order just one. I gave the fourth to Kendall's mom.

Kendall and her friend told me this funny-ass story about a girl they know at UVA. How can I describe her before I tell you the story? How about "tease"? I think that'll do it. Apparently this tease (who is also a Stage 5 Clinger) went to this guy's house after a party. They were making out and she stopped him to say "There is a line right her (she drew a line across her body just below the breasts). If you get to touch anything above this line, consider yourself lucky." If that wasn't funny enough, a few days later she was crying to Kendall and a few other girls. She couldn't understand why he hadn't called her at all. When she was told by one of the girls that all she did was lead him on and that he wouldn't feel any decent connection with her, the tease said "but he has a piece of me" and tapped her chest over her heart. They all started laughing. Someone told her "you probably gave him the worst case of blueballs ever!" I just about fell out of the booth laughing at that. I'm sorry, but that girl is just retarded.

After that I ran to Target (pronounced "Tar-je"). I bought some shorts, a few smartass tshirts, some boxers, and the movie Baseketball (it was on sale for $5.50). I came home and have done a little laundry.

OOOHHHH!!!! I almost forgot. I worked on some of the pics I have taken over the last month. So I will have the April/May Ghetto Fashion parade out this week sometime.

Have a great one.

Songs on the Playlist (home computer, random mix):

The Who - Eminence Front
INXS - Don't Change
The Cars - Dangerous Type
Pat Benatar - We Belong
Peter Gabriel - I Grieve
The Cars - Let The Good Times Roll
The Cars - It's All I Can Do
The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail
The Cars - My Best Friends Girl
INXS - What You Need
The Clash - Rock the Casbah
The Clash - Straight To Hell
The Clash - Armagideon Time
The B-52's - Love Shack
Pete Townsend - Let My Love Open The Door
INXS - Suicide Blonde

How Country Are You?

I swear I'm not making a habit of this, but I found it in an email to myself and realized I hadn't posted it yet. Enjoy.


HOW COUNTRY ARE YOU?
1. Have you ever gone muddin?
Hell yea baby!

2. Have you ever lived on a dirt/gravel road?
nope

3. Ever been swimmin' at the river?
Swimmin’ and canoeing

4. Ever had a bonfire party?
Yea, I’ve never thrown one except at sardis lake in college

5. Have you ever driven a tractor?
nope

6. Have you ever been on a horse?
Yea

7. Ford or chevy?
Ford baby!

8. kissed someone in a pick up?
Yea, many times

9. Whats your favorite country song?
Robert Earl Keen – The Road Goes On Forever

10. Ever done 90 miles per hour down a dirt road?
No. 50, but not 90

11. Worked/Lived on a farm?
No

12. Been to a rodeo?
No, I have been to a Dirt Track to watch stock car races in Batesville, AR. Fun!

13. Do you own cowboy boots?
Yea and I'm wearing them right now.

14. Do you have a cowboy hat?
Yea, one

15. Have you ever said git er done?
Yea, but as a joke. It is not part of my normal speech

16. country skyline or a city skyline
Looking over the Mississippi River at sunset from Memphis. Which is that?

17. Can you name a rodeo star?
nope

18. Do you think tractors are sexy?
no

19. Ever rode a 4-wheeler?
I own one

20. Are you from the country?
No

21. If so, are you proud of it?
I would be

22. Gone hunting?
Not this week, but yea

23. Gone fishing?
Yea, deep sea fishing is the best. But I love crappie fishing.

24. Is your heart in dixie?
Hell Yea

25. Been on a hay ride?
Yea, back in high school

26. Have you ever line danced?
Does the electric slide at an 8th grade dance count?

27. Camped under the stars?
Yea

28. Have you ever been cow tippin'?
No. I'd love to though

29. Do you drive a pick up truck?
Yea

30. fell asleep in a hay stack?
No

31. Own a pair of overalls?
No

32. Drank Moonshine?
Yea

33. Include the word "yonder" in your daily vocabulary?
Only when talking about Yonder Mountain String Band

34. Ever tried chew?
No

35. Milked a cow?
No

36. Is sweet tea your favorite drink?
Unsweet is better

37. Been to a race?
Not a Nascar one, but a dirt track

38. Country, Southern or Redneck?
Southern

39. Know all the words to at least one David Allen Coe song?
I know all the words to several DAC songs. And I know all the words to the songs that actually matter.

Like Father Like Son

This family sucks. Sorry. It's true. Ted Kennedy's son was in a car crash and was probably drunk. Although he says it er'a was pills. He's just lucky he didn't kill some woman like his dad did. Of course if he had, he'd have walked away from the scene too.

New Bond Film

There is a trailer for the new Bond film Casino Royale. Enjoy

Earl HNT

Ok kiddies, it's HNT time. Like a dumbass, I hadn't taken a pic for the HNT and left the camera at home. So I went through my old pics and found this. Here’s the story:

I had a beard all winter for hunting season and because I am that cool (sarcasm). Around the end of January, it was unseasonably warm around here and I was getting tired of the beard. This particular Saturday morning, I took my beard trimmer and started shaving it off. By the time I stopped this was all I had left. I looked at myself in the mirror and laughed. I had bushy sideburns past my ears and an “Earl” mustache. I walked into the living room and showed my roommate. His exact words:
“Dude, you look just like Earl from My Name Is Earl! You have to keep that look and wear it out tonight.”
So I went to a wedding shower and a concert like Earl that night.

This pic was taken by my roommate immediately after I shaved the beard. And yes, I did have a hangover that morning.

Alchie Quiz Time

If you want to play along too, you can copy this and post your answers in the comment section.
1. First time you ever drank?
I don’t remember. Probably 13 or 14.

2. More of a beer or liquor person?
Liquor

3. What type of drunk are you?
Depends on the night.

4. Favorite Mixed Drink:
Depends on the situation:
Cranberry & Vodka in the spring
Hot Chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps in winter
Margarita in the summer
Bloody Mary in the morning
Red Bull & Vodka at night

5. Favorite Beer:
Ouch. Again it depends on the situation:
Heineken while duck hunting
Coronas during the summer & at the lake

6. Favorite Shot:
Tequila

7. Top 5 Favorite beers (if applicable):
Corona
Heineken
Shiner Bock
Guinness

8. More of a Bar or Club person:
Bar. I hate clubs. It must be a southern thing.

9. Alcohol you absolutely despise:
I can't think of one.

10. Ever bought a stranger a drink:
Yea, last night

11. Been thrown out of a bar/club for fighting?
Yea in college

12. Ever make out with someone in front of a cheering crowd:
Yea again in college

13. Ever buy a round for random people:
Sometime in the past year I’m sure.

14. Best band you've seen while drinking:
Robert Earl Keen, no wait, Jimmy Buffett. No it’s a tie.

15. Ever danced on the bar/stage:
Oh hell yea.

16. Best town/area to drink in:
Oxford. Just don’t drive

17. Do you forget a lot of what happens during a night of hard drinking?
Not always, but what I do forget I am usually reminded by someone else who was there.

18. Ever been drunk around your parents?
Oh hell yea.

19. Ever pissed yourself from drinking to much?
Honestly, no. I have come close.

20. What is the most shots you have had in one night?
I don’t know. There was that last little brother big brother night, but I really don’t know. And I don’t plan to find out.

21. Ever drank absinthe?
No, but I want to after reading the Tucker Max story about it.

22. What gets you into trouble when your drunk?
My words usually.

23. Ever blacked out while having sex drunk?
Not blacked out. I’ve stopped and just rolled over. Does that count?

24. Can you drink your friends under the table?
Some I can. Others I wouldn’t try to.

25. Who is your favorite person to be DRUNK with?
A HOT CHICK WITH LOOSE MORALS! (that was easy)

Remember tomorrow is HNT.

I feel fine now

Well I started to post something this morning, but I was hungover and didn’t feel like it. So I’m posting something now after lunch.

Last night after work, I stopped by the gym on the way home. I feel fine now, but I will be sore as hell tomorrow. After taking a fast shower. I got dressed and headed to Newby’s. My buddy’s wife ran for a county commission seat (yea I didn’t know they had them either). Unfortunately she didn’t win her primary. The good news is now she can sit back and relax. I was up there with a good 20+ friends. I think I showed up between 7:30 and 8. I started to leave around 10:30, but my buddy CT bought a round of RockStars (Vodka, Rum, Gin, Tequila, and RockStar energy drink). It’s kinda like a Red Bull & Vodka. Very nice, but it’ll wake you the hell up. I probably had two. Ok, three. Towards the end of my second one I tried to leave and PF gave me another $5 and told me to play some music on the jukebox to prove if I had good taste in music. The answer? Hell yea I do. I rocked that joint like you wouldn’t believe.

Funny story. There is this guy who is friends with my friends that was at the party. When I was young (i.e. before first grade) he used to mow our lawn. So that puts him about 10 or so years older than me. I assume that anyone who is that much older than me knows when a woman wants him to take her home. Obviously he didn’t realize it or doesn’t know how to close, otherwise I wouldn’t be telling you. So yeah, he sat there and talked to this girl for about an hour and half at a table, just the two of them. She started getting antsy and finally said she was leaving. He never realized what she wanted. Just sat there in a daze I guess. Oh well we all make that mistake from time to time.

We sat around for a while and they finally cut out. I didn’t leave until well after midnight. I got home and ate a little BackYard Burger. They have the best Black & Bleu Bacon Cheeseburger in the world.

I rolled into bed after that and put Open Range in the DVD player. I started watching it and remembered back to a time when I lived by myself in Midtown in ’03-‘04. I’d come home on weekend nights from the bar tore up and hungry as hell. I had gotten these ten pound bags of frozen Tyson chicken wings from Sam’s Club. I’d turn on the oven and throw them in there. Once they were done, I’d get two bowls: one for the wings and one for the bleu cheese dip. I’d chow down on the wings and watch Open Range or the Great Outdoors or whatever.

So I watched the big gunfight scene and fell asleep.

Songs on the playlist:
The Rolling Stones – You Gotta Move
The Grateful Dead – Jack Straw
Incubus – Drive
Foo Fighters – This Is A Call
Widespread Panic – Blackout Blues
Toto – Rosanna
Talking Heads – Once In A Lifetime
The Beatles – Penny Lane
Metallica – Fuel
Willie Nelson – You Are Always On My Mind

Top 10 Reasons to Skip Music Fest

Here are the Top 10 reasons to skip Memphis In May Beale Street Music Fest:
1. You are not a stoner.
2. You are not in high school.
3. You are not a thug.
4. You are not white trash and/or have a mullet.
5. You don't like to pay $7 for a lukewarm Miller Lite.
6. It will rain because it always rains.
7. It will be too hot.
8. Your friend will puke before you get out of the parking garage because he/she is such an amateur.
9. The porta-potties (no explanation needed).
10. You need to save your energy for BBQ Fest!

Please note that if you are not from Memphis or have never been to the Beale Street Music Fest, you may not find this that funny. The rest of you probably will (unless you fit into one of those categories).

Weekend Recap (April 28-30)

I know this is late coming but hey, give me a break. When you read this, you will realize why I am exhausted.

Friday I was working late (again) for the end of the month. DP & AT called me to see if I’d go to dinner with them at the Belmont (at Poplar & Mendenhall in East Memphis). I said sure and we met for dinner and beers at 7. They were late of course. They live 3 minutes away. I live 10. I beat them by 20 minutes. After that I actually talked them into going to Newby’s with me. We got there. DP was going to only have one beer and leave at 9:30. At 9:30 I had bought him 2 beers and he still hadn’t looked at his watch. We had a few great lies told. There were a lot of jokes. In general we had a great time. About 10:15, he said he was tired of beer, so I ordered him a Jack & Coke. He said he didn’t want it, but he drank that one and another anyway. AT didn’t need any convincing to keep drinking Coronas. Here are two pics from that night:

This first is DP & AT. After next weekend their nicknames will change. The next is DP and me. I am a stud. Or at least that's what I was thinking Friday night.

Because of this night I think I have found the way to keep DP at a bar. Let me explain: DP is getting married this coming weekend. Since he got engaged, he never goes out anymore. The fact that he came out Friday night after dinner (and again on Sunday) blows my mind. In a good way. He is always fun to hang around. So here’s the secret keep buying him drinks. The only real reason I was willing to do that initially was because he bought dinner for all three of us. So I didn’t mind buy their drinks. It was fun.

Saturday I woke up about 9:30. I rolled out of bed and screwed around for a while. I went to the gym, took a shower, and got ready for the Memphi & Ptolemy Picnic in Nesbit, MS. Let me describe the weather to my non-Memphis readers:
Windy between 20 & 30 MPH. Slight rain on & off all day. It was in the 60s for the high. Normally it is sunny and breezy and warm in Memphis this time of year. It was an absolutely freaky weather. So it made the layout of the party different.

The family who hosted it have about 150 acres or so. A huge house and a huge barn. Because of the bad weather, everything was set up in the barn (tables, buffet, band). Of course the petting zoo was still outside. They had a pond and I brought my fishing gear, but the weather wasn’t that great, so I blew that idea off. I had about 4 beers over the 2 hours I was there. I had a great time. I didn’t get any pics though. I am pissed about that.

After that I drove like a bat outta hell getting back to Memphis (15-20 minute drive) because I had Ross & Sloan’s wedding at 6:30 in Cordova. Logistically, there was no way I could leave the picnic after 5 and get to the wedding in time (I had to shower). I left the picnic at 5:20 and got to the wedding at 6:24. Absolutely amazing. I didn’t even get dressed in the car either!

Ross and Sloan had a wonderful wedding. The reception was great except for three things:
1. All single women there had dates.
2. There was a pregnant woman with a physically enhanced chest wearing a ridiculously low V cut dress. Don’t call me a perv yet. It was cut so low that it showed below where the breasts touch each other. It showed to the point where they stop touching each other. How did I know she was pregnant? Well no, she didn’t have a pregnant belly. She told me in line when we were at the sushi table (random chance btw) with these exact words:
Her: “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t get that one!”
Me: “Why not?”
Her: “Well, I’m pregnant and I’m not supposed to eat the raw ones. But I am craving it so I guess I’ll have it.”
I really hope her kid turns out ok other than the fact it’ll have a ditz for a mother. I actually had to scratch my head after she left to eat the raw sushi.
3. I didn’t get the garter. Ross threw it and as I reached up, some 16 year old cousin of his (with braces!) elbowed me in the stomach and boxed me out as he grabbed it. It happened so fast that I stood there staring in shock as I tried to figure out if that had actually just happened. So much for my streak of garters (this was going to be #3 in a row), I’ll have to start over this weekend at one.

Another funny thing at the wedding: I was exhausted about halfway through the reception (I ate a TON of the sushi). I actually walked outside to leave early. As I was looking for my truck, a giant gust of wind came and hit me in the face. I literally got my second wind and went back in. I walked back in and said to my buddies “I’m back baby! I got my second wind!” They proceeded to laugh before I could explain the wind thing. They started hinting that I had gone to my truck to do cocaine. Ok, they know me. I don’t do coke. I don’t see the appeal in it (although I know plenty of people who do). I never have and I never will. I told them to “f off” and went to grab another beer. About 45 minutes later (post-garter debacle) I cut out. I was exhausted again. I went home.

Sunday I got up at 11:00. I woke up several times before that and everytime I looked at the window I couldn’t believe there was sunlight coming in (it was supposed to be miserable like Saturday). I ran to the gym and raced home. DP came over about 1:15 and we headed to the poker run. That was a blast. Here is a quick explanation of a Poker Run:
There are 5-6 locations for stops. You go to each one and get an envelope. Each envelope has a card in it. When you get back to the home base, you open all your envelopes and make the best poker hand you can. Best hands win prizes.
Here’s how we did it:
You have each location be a bar on Beale Street. The headquarters is at T.J. Mulligans in the Pinch District by the Pyramid. You start at headquarters and ride a trolley down main street to Beale. Afterwards you take a trolley back to the Pinch District.

So DP and I got to T.J. Mulligans about 1:40. We registered and grabbed a bloody mary to start off. “The ex” wanted me to run her hand since she had to work one of the locations. I told her no thanks and she got pissed. She still doesn’t understand Quid Pro Quo I guess.

DP, Scott, Dominic, Matt, Jason, and I started out together. I think that was probably the last time all of us were together. We take the trolley with a bunch of other folks and start towards Rum Boogie Café. It was so crowded I said “let’s get a drink at the next spot”. The next spot was crowded too (King’s Palace outside). So we went to the third bar: Silky O’Sullivan’s. We rolled in there and it wasn’t as crowded. Mark asked if I wanted in on his diver. So we stayed there for about an hour drinking. I had more than my share of two divers and then two Coronas. Here is a pic of us drinking the first diver.

I’m on the right. You can see (left to right) Mark, Felix, Jennie, and Chris. Chris is the crazy guy looking at the camera and not drinking (amateur). If you've never had a diver, you don't know what you're missing. It's a touristy drink with beer and some fruity drink mixed together and put in that bucket. They give you a ton of straws and people act like idiots and drink it (see pic for example of idiots, me included, haha).

After that we went to the next stop at the Pig. Unfortunately the table was set up outside and it wasn’t anything fancy. So we went to the next stop for more drinks. We headed to Club 152. This was literally my first time there. Yea, I don’t like clubs. But it reminded me of everyone I went to back in Cancun years ago. I may head back sometime (despite the metal detector thing). We stayed there for…I don’t know how long. But I had 3 and half Coronas. Why only 3 and half? I finished the second half on the trolley.

When we got back to T.J. Mulligans, I didn’t have a good hand. I could have bought more cards for $5 each, but when I saw some dude pull out 4 kings, I decided to save my money. I did decide to enter the drink contest. Different groups (i.e. the other Krewe’s royalty) made drinks for the contest. It ended up being 10 drinks (Ptolemy removed theirs from the running in good taste). Each drink was about the amount of a shot. I didn’t do the one that smelled like Jagermeister on purpose. But I ended up doing the other 9. In three minutes. Everyone else was tasting and enjoying. I walked up and somehow channeled Tucker Max:
I grabbed number one. It was smooth. Number two was also smooth. After that I forget which ones tasted good and which didn’t. I just shot them all in three minutes. One of my friends (Joey R I think) just stared like “what the hell are you doing?”

I do remember that number 8 was awesome (turned out to be my mom’s group). I found out later it was a frozen mint julep. Badass.

After that I had a few more Coronas until DP decided to get revenge for making him drink a few whiskey drinks Friday night. He said he was going to buy my next and brought me a Red Bull & Vodka. It went down smooth.

After that I decided to walk around the silent auction again. I wrote down bids again on the massage and the dinner for two at Jim’s Place East. I ended up getting both. Funny thing is the massage is from King Trip’s sister-in-law. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. But it is funny because I recall joking with him about her giving me a massage one day back at the Xmas party.

After this debacle ended, DP and I took off back to the Ponderosa (i.e. my house). He went home in his car, and I raced to Memphis Pizza Café. I got a large Alternative. I really like that. We watched Sopranos.

I left their house and went home. Had a great weekend. I think I need another one just to make up for and this next one won’t be it. It’s going to be just as crazy.

Have a great evening.

Songs on the Playlist:
Barenaked Ladies – Brian Wilson
Tim McGraw – Something Like That
Jimmy Buffett – She’s Got You
Jack Johnson – Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
Stevie Ray Vaughan – Texas Flood
Dave Matthews Band – Crush
Jimmy Buffett – They Don’t Dance Like Carmen No More
R.E.M. – Stand
Pink Floyd – Eclipse
Wilson Pickett – Mustang Sally
U2 – In God’s Country
George Strait – The Chair
Stone Temple Pilots – Silver Gun Superman
Weezer – Beverly Hills
Lemonheads – Into Your Arms
Jimmy Buffett – Frenchman for the Night
Stevie Ray Vaughan – Stang’s Swang
Beastie Boys – Intergalactic
O.A.R. – Hey Girl
Alice Cooper – No More Mr. Nice Guy
Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
The Band – Forever Young (from The Last Waltz)
Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell – You’re All I Need To Get By

Work Playlist Update

Work Playlist update:
I don’t remember how long ago it was that I started this playlist, but it has been at least three or four weeks. We are now up to song #1801 and going strong. Some of the songs in the last hour or so have been blowing my mind. It’s amazing what you don’t think about until it is played. Today’s songs began around #1736. Here are some of the songs I’ve heard today (not all just starting at #1790):

#1790 Beastie Boys – She’s Crafty
Al Green – Here I Am (Come And Take Me Away)
Aerosmith – Janie’s Got A Gun
Coldplay – Clocks
Robert Earl Keen – I’m Comin’ Home
Cowboy Mouth – Jenny Says
Chris LeDoux – This Cowboy’s Hat
Brooks & Dunn – Brand New Man
Widespread Panic – Hope In A Hopeless World
Pink Floyd – Run Like Hell
Phish – Free
Willie Nelson & Waylon Jennings – Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys
Shaggy – It Wasn’t Me
Allison Krauss & Union Station – The Lucky One
#1804 Faith No More – We Care A Lot

This a really eclectic song list. I get into one groove and then I roll into a completely different style but still enjoy it. Very odd sometimes from one song to the next, but very cool too.


For those of you who don’t have a clue what I am talking about, let me explain:
I have a bunch of songs on my computer at work. I went through the library on Musicmatch Jukebox and added artists’ catalogues to one large playlist. I hit the ‘random’ button and it sorted all songs randomly (duh). There was a rut for a while where I had a bunch of songs I didn’t really want to hear and then it hit great strides. This is just something fun to keep a random soundtrack in the background at work besides the crappy radio station we have to hear over the intercom. The last number on the playlist is #2579. That's a ton of songs.

Uhh...Title...Dude?

Ok, I know I took these pics off another site, but I had to share it with you. Why? I don't know if I should be laughing or crying. Laughing at the fact that they pulled this off or crying over the fact that this actually happened. Actually I think I'll just stay shocked at the fact that no one tried to stop them. Ridiculous.

These pics are supposedly from the University of Colorado at Boulder on April 20. For those of you who have never subjected yourselves (voluntarily or otherwise) to the pot smoking/hippie culture, let me give you a quick lesson:
April 20 is 4/20. In the collective mind of all stoners 4:20 in the "international smoke out time" bro. How or why this came about, I will never know (you might want to check the urban dictionary or wikipedia). But every stoner thinks that it is the best time to get high. I think that's just because they have just gotten out of bed. Also people have said that the University of Colorado at Boulder is one of the biggest concentrations of stoners in the collegiate world (I'm not saying it is a bad school or it promotes pot smoking, but there are a lot of stoners there). Hey, it's in the Princeton Review every year for it (I tried to link to it for you but you have to sign up, so wait until the review comes out and some news service will report it. UCBoulder will be in the top 10 as usual).

So at 4:20 PM on April 20 (4/20) these stoners at the University of Colorado at Boulder (supposedly) got together and got high in a massive crowd. Kinda makes you want to slap a hippie, doesn't it? I bet none of them even showered that day either.

Need something to do?

Hey,
I know this is last minute, but if you want to do the Ptolemy Poker Run this afternoon downtown, go to TJ Mulligans in the Pinch District. Registration is from 1-2 and the Poker Run starts around 2ish.
I'll post a recap of the Poker Run and the rest of my weekend later with pics. The weekend wasn't legendary, but I had fun.
Philip

Bush said what?

Again, this is nothing political. I am just very shocked that El Presidente Bush said this in a q&a at the White House:
When the president was asked at a Rose Garden question-and-answer session whether the anthem should be sung in Spanish, he replied: "I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English."
This is from CNN. I just hope everyone can agree with that statement.

I wish I could play a soundbite from Pulp Fiction: "English Mothafucka! Do you speak it?"

Calendar

Here are the upcoming things on the calendar. As usual I won't attend all.

Saturday April 29
Oxford Double Decker Festival (always a blast. I won’t be there though)
Memphi/Ptolemy Picnic in Nesbit, MS. Invite only (I’ll be there for a little bit)
Ross & Sloan’s Wedding (I’ll be there)
Tinsley Ellis @ BB Kings on Beale (I won’t be there. I put this up because I recognize the name, but I have no idea why)

Sunday April 30
Ptolemy Poker Run. Here are the details from the Ptolemy email:
Hail Ptolemites! Rain or Shine the 2006 Ptolemy Poker Run will be taking place THIS SUNDAY. Registration begins at 1:00. Run begins at 2:00 at T.J. Mulligan's in the Pinch District. You don't want to miss out this year!
We have a NEW drink competition: For $5 you get to sample 11 adult beverages concocted by the 2006 Carnival Krewe Royals and vote on your favorite.
We also have an INCREDIBLE silent auction: You don't want to miss these bargains:
- 4-Course Dinner for 8 at the winning bidder's home prepared by Stella's award-winning chef Johnny Kirk
- Get Bluetooth Installed in your car (any service provider)
- Real Estate Appraisals
- Tickets to Mama Mia
- Tickets to the Beale Street Music Fest
- Rounds of Golf
- Skipworth Portrait Session
- BOOZE!
- Spa packages
- Dinner for 2 at McEwan's
- Dinner for 2 at Lolo's Table

Just to name a few..... (don't forget to bring your checkbook for the silent auction- all proceeds go to FirstWorks!) Plus, you can pick up this year's T-Shirt designed by King Trip's lovely wife (and better half) Elaine!

Friday – Sunday May 5-7
Beale Street Music Fest

Friday May 5
Southern Culture On The Skids @ Young Ave Deli (probably won’t make it)
DP & AT’s rehearsal dinner

Saturday May 6
DP & AT’s wedding

Saturday May 13
Brother’s graduation from Ole Miss
Tishamingo @ Newby’s

Sunday May 14
Mother’s Day
Remember to take care of Mama, cause if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy.

May 18-20
Memphis in May BBQ FEST!!!

June 2-10
Carnival
Thursday June 8
Ptolemy Clubroom @ University Club

June 16-18
Bonnaroo

Sunday June 18
Father’s Day

The Cosmos are Laughing

Wow, talk about not funny. Not only did I miss the REK show last night (see last night's post), I have hit a serious amount of his songs on the playlist today at work. Do you think the universe is laughing at this? (God has more important things to deal with than me missing a show)

Classics

Most of my generation (and probably the one before me) only know Liz Taylor as a punchline in a fat joke. I just read this article about her dying (I don't know if it is true or not), and it made me think about that fact. I’d like to ask if you have any free time and would like to see a great movie, watch Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Liz Taylor looks unbelievable in that. Absolutely stunning. And it is a great film (it is a drama, so be in the right mood). I feel it is a shame that she became a fat joke to those of us too young to know the talent and the beauty she was.

The first time I saw it was last summer. My folks had another couple at the lake and I was there with a few folks. The other couple watched these old movies like that, On The Waterfront, and Streetcar Named Desire. I had never seen any of those and I now understand why they are so well known. They are unbelievable. Great films. They didn’t have a lot of special effects, but they had great plots and characters.

Here's a great idea: the next time Hollywood comes out with crappy movies (i.e. the last 3 years and probably the next 2) watch those classics that you've never seen. Watch movies on AMC. I actually watched a great film with Goldie Hawn, Walter Matthau, and Ingrid Bergman a few months ago. I don't remember the name of it though.

Ok, that’s enough serious stuff for now. I’ll come up with something funny later.

Songs on the Playlist:
The Who – The Relay
Stevie Ray Vaughan – Mary Had A Little Lamb
Cowboy Mouth – Hey Bartender

HNT

Here is this week's Half Nekkid Thursday post. This is a current pic of the post sunburn tanline. I am not wearing a watch next time I go fishing.

UPSET

No, I'm sorry for that lie. I am

FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!

Why? Because I was driving home from the gym, when a friend called me crying about some drama. I put the phone down and all I heard was Robert Earl Keen in Memphis tonight. I called bullshit. She said it's true.

I called DP (he and I have been to at least 5 REK shows together). I asked him if he knew anything about it. He said no. Since I was driving, I had him check REK's website for tour dates. The tour starts in Nashville tomorrow night. That's what it has said for the last month. I had a thought and told him to check Pollstar. Pollstar confirmed that REK is playing at the New Daisy tonight.

Let's do a quick explanation as why I'm not going:
I just got home from the gym. I have to shower and get dressed (that'll take maybe 15-25 minutes). I need money as I am broke (ATM 5 minutes). I have to drive downtown (15-20 minutes). I will have to park and walk to the show (10-15 minutes). It is 9PM and the show just started (I'm sure). That means by the time I get to the door to buy a ticket, it'll be 10PM probably. Since he'll play anywhere from an hour and half to 2 hours, I'd miss at least half the show.

I am kicking myself because I'm not going. But I have to cover the sales and shipping departments tomorrow (both guys are on vacation). So I'll be covered up. Let's see. I can deal with that with or without a hangover. Hmm...

I think the official verdict is go see REK the next time he rolls into a town nearby. Roadtrip anyone? The next time he is close to Memfricano is tomorrow night in Nashville. Well shit. I guess I'll catch the fall or winter tour.

Curse you Memphis media!!! Why do you advertise for stupid bands, but nothing good?

OMUGAWD!!!

In high school, I had a great friend named Grant West. We have drifted apart over the years and I don't know his number now. I'm sure if I got off my lazy ass and called his mom I could get it. But I digress. He and I ran cross country together. He came to the lake with our family one weekend. That happened to be the same weekend as a Nascar race on Saturday night. My family had never really watched Nascar. He was a huge Dale Earnhardt fan. We watched the race and I was hooked. I became a Dale fan (my brother became a Jeff Gordon fan). When Dale Jr came along, I (like most Dale fans) cheered for him too. I watched when Dale crashed and died. It was pretty sad because he seemed like such a real person to me.

This morning I heard on the radio that Dale Jr was going to race a black car as a tribute to his father in this weekend's race at Talledega. I forgot about it until a few minutes ago when I saw the story. I hope no one gets upset (i.e. foxsports) but I had to put up this pic of the car:

To make things even stranger in this tale, I actually got goosebumps when I saw this car. Is that weird? No, just the country boy in me.

Songs on the playlist:
Rolling In The Hay - Whiskey River
Duran Duran - Planet Earth
Billy Joel - I May Be Crazy

My Bad

I think I owe you an apology. I didn’t warn you that the story was so long. My bad. I still think it is worth reading when you have time. But it’ll take you a while. I just felt like telling a story from back in the day. You can get whatever moral from it you want. I think it is a good example of keeping a balance in every relationship AND NOT GETTING WHIPPED!!!

Songs on the Playlist:
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
The Grateful Dead – Going Down The Road Feeling Bad
Bob Dylan – Meet Me In The Morning

Bedtime Story - 12 months

I'm going to tell you a story. This is a true story. The names of some have been changed. Some of the facts have been changed for two reasons:
1. To protect those involved because, well, I don't know how to contact some of the people involve and I wouldn't try to contact others.
2. I remember the story as I have told it over the past 6 years. After 6 years some details may have inadvertantly changed.
Here is your bedtime story:

Back in college, I lived in the Fraternity house during the fall semester of my freshman year. Our house was built in an L shape. I lived in the first room on the right after you came upstairs. My neighbor who will be called "Val Venis" was a junior (I am calling him Val Venis after the pro wrestler that he thought was the funniest guy in the world that year. Obviously that's not his real name).

I'll give you a little background on Val Venis. He was from another Southern state. A very nice guy. Very studious (he is in post-graduate school in a medicine-related field). He had a nice, loving family. He worked out 6 days a week. He was a huge guy, but a gentle giant.

One random December weekend just before exams and Xmas break, a few girls came over to the house for a late night. A few were semi-regulars in this one group with a particular girl who wasn't in school yet. Val Venis met this particular girl and found out that she was starting her freshman year in the spring there at Ole Miss. This particular girl we will call Corvette (I'll give the reason for that later). That was the last I heard of the story until the spring semester started.

Corvette Timeline: Known Each Other for One Month (Mid-December to Mid-January)

The start of the spring semester was a period of new beginnings and changes that year. My parents decided that living in the fraternity house was not in my best interest so they moved me to a dorm. I kept my room in the fraternity house but lived in the dorm.

Much like my change in living accommodations, Val Venis had a change of venue. No, he didn't move out of his room. He started dating Corvette and spent every night in her dorm room at Martin (the women's dormitory). He ended up staying there ALL SPRING. For those of you who don't know why this is a big deal, let me "splain it to you Lucy": men were not allowed in the women's dorms after 12 or 1. That means that every night all spring long, he snuck into her dorm building after 2, took the stairs to her floor, snuck to her room, and was out by 6 AM. If he had been caught, he would have been arrested for trespassing. Literally, I knew people that were drunk and were caught. If you were somewhat sober, you could run away from the security guard downstairs (nicknamed Fat Bastard because HE LOOKED LIKE FAT BASTARD!!)

A few weeks into the spring semester, Val Venis actually brought her by the house to meet the guys. Since he spent every waking moment over in her dorm and most the night there too, we never got to see him much. A few of the guys were talking to her and out of the blue she said the following:
"I'm really mad at my daddy. He traded in my corvette for my beemer. I miss my corvette."
Hence the nickname Corvette. This has been quoted so many times, I'm 100% sure it's verbatim. FYI a beemer is a BMW.

So Val Venis and Corvette were attached at the hip. No big deal right? Everyone has a girlfriend or two like that in college. We planned to go to Panama City Beach for spring break (aka the Redneck Riviera). I mean we had probably 30-40 people total going down there. I was in a group of about15 that got rooms at one hotel. Val Venis and Corvette decided...no wait, Corvette decided that Val Venis would share the fee for a room with us, but she'd get a suite from "Daddy" in the adjourning tower at the hotel. The suite was two bed rooms. She told "Daddy" that she her four girlfriends would stay there. When we were about to leave for PCB, Val Venis informed us he was riding with her and staying in her room. I was thrilled because now I got my own bed.

While we were in PCB, we (i.e. everyone else) saw Val Venis and Corvette two times. TWO TIMES in 7 days. No big deal right? Oh wait, we were staying in the same hotel. One of the times, it was because I went to their room just to make sure they were alive. This is what I saw:
Two bedrooms. One had three girls and their luggage in it with a full sized bed (not a queen). The other room had Corvette clothes and makeup thrown everyone (she wore too much btw) and a King Sized Bed. What a nice friend she is to the other three girls, right? That was the extent of our interaction with Corvette and Val Venis. But that's not all that happened as we found out post-spring break.

While they were there, they made a run to the liquor store. Corvette said "Val, I don't understand why everyone keeps telling us we need to wait to get married."
Val "Yea, I hear you."
Corvette "Then it's settled. We'll get married this summer!!!"

Corvette Timeline: Three Months (Mid-December to Mid-March)

That was the "marriage proposal". So now Val Venis and Corvette were getting married that summer. We never saw them much even at FIJI Island our big spring party. Mostly because Corvette was jealous and didn't want Val around any other girls. Literally, that was explained to us. From him. (F-ing weird)

Spring came and went. That July was the big day. Corvette would not let Val have a bachelor party or even just one last night drinking with the boys. Grandparents on both sides refused to come to the wedding. Guys from the house were literally debating whether or not to attend because she was such a bitch.

At the rehearsal dinner, you could have cut the tension with a knife. Neither set of parents approved (his less than hers), but they loved their children and supported them. Anytime one of the guys who was there (I was not in the wedding and not invited to the dinner) got up to give a toast (not roast, but toast), Corvette just glared at them with hatred. No one said anything bad. After the dinner was over, everyone was leaving and the groomsmen were trying to convince Val to come have one last "free man's" drink with them. He was hesitant. When Corvette found out about this, she said "Val, I want you to stay with me."
He turned to the guys and said "I'm not going."
They pleaded with him and then tried to carry him out. Like I said before, he worked out 6 days a week. He bowed up and shoved one guy back very forcefully. "I'm not going."
The general response was "Fine! F-U! Make your own mistake!" They left and went to have a wake for Val at a bar in Memphis (the wedding was in Coldwater, Independence, or Nesbit, MS).

We later found out that Val and Corvette went back to the hotel where he was staying. They got in the hot tub and then a few hours later, went to his room. They then woke up together ON THE DAY OF THEIR WEDDING and she went home to change into her dress. Let me repeat that:
THEY WOKE UP TOGETHER ON THE DAY OF THEIR WEDDING
I just wanted to make sure you read that part.

The wedding was a small Baptist thing. The reception was in the back of the church. It looked like they had moved everything from the Sunday school room to the sides so people would have somewhere to stand. On the left side of the room was the grooms cake. On the right, the brides. Back of the room was the wedding cake.

I introduced myself to the parents on both side. It was from a family member on his side that I found out about the hot tub the night before. Everyone from the Fraternity who came stood by the grooms cake milling around. As soon as they came in the room, she walked him to the right side of the room. 30 minutes after they had walked in, he stepped away to come say hi to us. He was there two minutes before she called him back over to see more of her friends that he still hadn't met. That was the last time that day she let him get away from her side. Does anyone else notice a pattern here?

Corvette Timeline: Seven Months (Mid-December to Mid-July)

That fall raced by. We hardly ever saw Val Venis. Her parents bought them a condo (not a nice one). I joked whenever I actually did see him that I was going to come and throw food through the bars on the balcony to see if I could get some food to his cage.

This is what happened that fall between them:
He worked 40 hours a week at Dominoes and took 18 hours in school (plus 3 labs, so actually 21 hours). She took 12 hours and went shopping. She was spending all the money he made plus still using "Daddy's" credit cards. She went out and bought rims.

And that was all I ever heard about it. We never saw him. It was kinda sad. But things got really bad. Everything I am about to tell you I didn't find out until December.

When she was not spending his money, she was alienating him from his family. She called his mother and after winning her confidence, started telling her that he beat her. I'm sorry but I don't know when he could fit that into his schedule. She told her folks the same thing. She played mind games with everyone on both sides. And he was trapped.

Sometime in October, the big word came down. I don't know if Val said it or if Corvette did. But someone said Divorce.

CORVETTE TIMELINE: TEN MONTHS (MID-DECEMBER TO OCTOBER)

By the time November began, the divorce was being finalized. He just wanted out and nothing to do with her. The truth came to light and everyone knew he never hit her. In fact, I heard that she had actually hit him in one fight, but he never swung back (smart guy, actually).

In mid-November, the divorce was final. Val was physically and emotionally exhausted. But he was free of that crazy biotch.

That's the story of my friend who met a girl and divorced her in less than 12 months.

G'night.

Halleluja!!!!!!

THIS JUST IN!!!

Cindy Margolis to Pose for Playboy!

Personal note: as happy as I am that this is going to happen, I have lukewarm feelings on it. I would have preferred if she had done this years ago. Why? She was the "most downloaded woman on the internet" back when/before I was in college. That was before the first Austin Powers movie when the internet was just budding. We'll be nice and say that was about 8-10 years ago. She is now and has had two three kids. I hope she looks hot. I know women who are mothers and still look hot, but I really don't see the appeal for the married men out there to see another mother naked.

Let's think about that. (Gotta put yourself in that place) You are a happily married man with a lovely and loving wife and your 2.3 kids. You open an issue of Playboy to see a hot young twenty-something college student, but you get a mother. How are you going to feel?

I don't know, maybe I am being impulsive and she'll blow me away with the pictorial. But I'll just have to wait and see.

WAIT A MINUTE!!! What do I care, they'll airbrush her all over so she'll look perfect. Problem Solved!!!

Songs on the Playlist:
The English Beat - Mirror In The Bathroom
Weezer - Keep Fishing
Kenny Loggins - Footloose

Kittens

I saw this and had to share it. Every once in a while you need a pic of some kittens to cheer you up. Have a great day.

Weekend Recap

Before I get started, do you fellow Memfricanos remember that bad rain storm that came through Wednesday last week? This is a pic from Airways & Central at 7:50 IN THE MORNING. For those of you who can't realize what the problem is, let me explain it to you: at 7:50, even if we have a bad rainstorm, the sky isn't black like this.So it’s finally Monday, and I am tired. I don’t know why. The last time I posted anything was at the office Friday night about ten after 7. After I finished posting, I didn’t leave for another 20 minutes. I raced home (like I had predicted) and took a fast shower. I turned on my computer and cranked up the stereo. The roommate was gone so I left the door open and jammed out in the shower. It made the day just fade away.

I left the house at 8:30 and ran up to Newby’s. Is it a bad omen when you are walking to the bar and this pic is you see across the street at the Dominoes?

Walked in and found HM with the FIJI boys and grad brothers from the University of Memphis State University chapter. I wasn’t a member of this chapter, but HM invited me along. It turned out to be a great time.

That was one of two reasons I headed up to Newby’s Friday. The other was to watch Ingram Hill at the Phoenix Club Fundraiser. The crowd sucked. I don’t know if they made money. It was bubble gum rock. The only time I was actually entertained was for the cover of Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”. That was ok, but the highlight was the girl next to me, Bonnie, sang it to me. Funny thing was she kept screwing up the words and wanted to hit the drums too early. They’d get to the end of a verse and she’d try to air drum it with my buddies wife and they’d both be early. Way early. Other than that Ingram Hill sucks. Sorry. I’m not a 19 year old girl who doesn’t know what decent music sounds like. Or a 19 year old guy who is there in the hope that said girl might think he’s deep because he came to hear the band (but everyone knows he came to try and get laid).

Funny story, though. There was some groupie walking around. She had on jeans and some type of jacket (like a blazer, but it wasn’t a blazer). The jacket was buttoned tightly around her waist which allowed the top front to open wide but still tight and show her store bought teats. I think I pissed her off when I was standing at the door with a few of the Phoenix guys. She walked past. No wait, she walked through our group. She had that bitchy attitude that you just hate. While she stumbled through, she made some comment to someone about her name being Tiffany or someone called her Tiffany. I just piped up and to no one in particular, said “Hey, her name is Tiffany. She’s with the band.” She looked back at me with a half puzzled, half deer-in-headlights look. The gears in her head turned over and I think she realized that I was making fun of her attitude. But hey she had a backstage pass to get on the bus. She stared at me. I didn’t back down. She turned to the drunk guy walking around with her. He looked at me sized me and realized it wasn’t worth it. I don’t know how he came to that conclusion. He was younger and much more drunk than I was. Maybe the fact that the security guards were all standing there with me and we were about to escort the cash box to the Phoenix President’s car. I don’t know. But she gave me the eat-shit-and-die look. Whatever, if she can’t take a joke, forget her. Besides I’m sure she needed to go on the bus and get friendly with the band.

Another funny story, I took no responsibility at the concert. There were other Phoenix guys who were working. Me? I won’t work anymore events. Ever. (I’ll tell that story another time) so I was standing at the door with my friends who were trying to sell the merchandise. This group of ladies (I’m being nice here) walked out and someone said “Hey, yall need to buy some Tshirts!!!”
The girls looked at them and then the tshirts. They gave a polite “No thanks.”
My buddy Brown said “Well hey, how about some Ingram Hill panties? I’ll model them for you!!”
(Let me pause and say one thing: Brown is married to one of the sweetest, lovely women in the world. She was standing there during this whole thing, laughing.)
So Brown modeled the panties for them. They still didn’t buy them. Don’t believe me? Check out the pics. First is Brown when he wasn't expecting a pic. I think his sister was either putting some tickets in his shirt pocket or taking them out.
After I took that one, he said "Wait, let me pose for the ladies!!! Maybe then they'll buy it!"And yes, those are the panties that Ingram Hill sells at their concerts. I told you they were bubble gum. I have changed my mind. They are douches.

So obviously I behaved myself most of the night. I had about 6-7 Rockstars (like Red Bull and Vodka, but Newby’s has a deal with Rockstar I guess) between 9 and 12 when I left. I got home and crawled into bed. I tried to sleep. After about 30 minutes, I realized I had more caffeine in me than I’d had over the entire last month. So I turned on my computer and made two mixes to pass the time. And then I watched Old School. About 2-2:30 I was finally able to fall asleep.

I got up around 7, took a shower, and raced to the office for inventory. That was boring with no good stories. Sorry. I stayed after it was over and and cleaned up around my desk a bunch (if you’ve ever seen my desk, you’d know why). I left and was going to race home and go to the Crawfish boil. I get a call from my buddy Todd.
“Hey man, where are you? What time are you getting here?”
“Get where for what?”
“The cookout, man. You promised me last week you were going to come by.”
I stopped by on the way home from work. I told myself I was only going to be a few minutes. Next thing I know, I’ve had a few burgers and a lot of beers, and I have dropped my phone in a cup of beer. I race home, shower and race over to the Crawfish Boil. I get there. The crawfish area is cleaned up. People are watching a movie and the rest are outside sitting down. There is no one left who is rowdy. I stay about an hour and have a nice epiphany. Somehow every year, I screw up getting to this party. Something comes up and I don’t get there on time or whatever. Last year, I got there 45 minutes after the last batch of crawfish were cooked. This year I get there well after sunrise. But every other party Jennie and Walker throw, I am on time. Oh well, I still had fun.

Oh yeah, the phone didn’t start working properly again until after I got back home Saturday night. It is Monday morning and it still smells of two day old beer. Nice right?

Sunday I roll out of bed around 11. I went to the couch to start watching TV and said screw that. I read on the couch instead. After a while I realized how beautiful it was outside. I walked out, sat in the sun, and read. About an hour later, the roommate came home from Church. One of his friends was confirmed and they went to that and then to Sleep Out Louie’s. After a while we cleaned the kitchen. It looks great now. I went back and read on the front porch out of the sun. I ordered two pizzas for Sopranos night and left to get them before heading over to DP&AT’s house. As I walked out, this lady pulled up to watch TV with the roommate. She has to be the hottest girl I have seen in the last 6 months. Easily. I was in pure shock. I only saw her for a minute so I don’t know how much is natural beauty and what not.

I went to pick up the pizza. I got the Alternative and the BBQ Chicken from Memphis Pizza Café. I actually liked the Alternative better. Sopranos rocked. AT had her bachelorette party the night before. Some of the less risqué gifts were sitting around the living room. It is amazing what clean cut girls will buy their friends for bachelorette parties. That’s all I’ll say about that.

I cut out after Sopranos and went home. I read until about 12 and the fell asleep. That was my weekend. How legendary was yours?

Songs on the Playlist:
Jimmy Buffett – Lovely Cruise
North Mississippi Allstars – Someday Baby
James Brown – Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag
Hank Williams – Hey Good Looking
Kris Kristofferson – Sunday Morning Coming Down
Joe Diffie – Pickup Man
Bush – Monkey
Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
REM – (Don’t Go Back To) Rockville
Brooks & Dunn – Only In America
ZZ Top – Waiting for the Bus>Jesus Just Left Chicago
Oasis – Wonderwall
Animotion – Obsession
Phish – Harry Hood
Nickelback – Figured You Out