Wednesday Recap, Looking to the Weekend

If you are looking for the HNT post, it is the next one down. If you’re looking for the thing on Britney, it’s two down.

So last night…

I raced home from work to change for a funeral visitation. My grandmother’s best friend, Ann Clark Quinlen, passed away Sunday evening. She was such a sweet lady who had a huge impact on my life. The Lord broke the mold when He made her.

After the visitation, I bought the birthday gift, raced home, and changed. We were supposed to meet at 7:30 because the birthday girl, JD, was going to get to Ronnie Grisanti’s at 8 (it’s an Italian restaurant, kind of a Memphis staple; it’s gotten a little expensive in the last few years, but it’s still great food). I am usually fashionably late to most everything. For surprise parties, I try to be on time. I got there at 7:35. No one else was there. After a while people started showing up. I think the majority of the crowd was there around 8:15. We were eating all the breadsticks we could find while waiting on the birthday girl, who didn’t get there until like 9. And she thought she was meeting just a few girlfriends for dinner.

It ended up being a great time. One of the best birthday parties I’ve been to in a long time. She was legitimately surprised. I talked to the guy she’s dating (I don’t know how to qualify it) about guns and blowing stuff up. Despite the high number of women there, we brought a lot of testosterone to the table.

A bunch of people said funny quotes, but immediately after that, someone would always say “Hey, Philip, that should go in your blog!” So I would intentionally forget the quotes. I don't throw in things that are said just I'll post them. I don't like fake quotes. I like real, spur of the moment quotes that are genuinely funny. The only quote I remember is when I said “Man, I’ve had just enough to drink to be charming. I’m not invincible yet.”
To which one of the girls (I think it was one of the three or four Ashley’s we had there) sarcastically replied “You’re charming?”
I said, “No, I’ve had enough wine to be charming. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be to you.” Yeah, I thought it was funny at the time. Apparently I'd had enough wine and vodka to think I was funny.

Then these two girls tried to give Scottie Too Hottie and me a hard time for being on MySpace: “So we’ve been watching Dateline and all they talk about anymore is the pervs on MySpace. So how many 14 year old girls have you met? Hehe.”
I think Scottie said something like “well that what I like about high school girls: I keep getting older, and they stay the same age.”
I probably told her something smartassed and then ignored her. I don’t remember what it was. It probably wasn’t that funny. Or maybe I told her how I’ve been able to reconnect with friends from high school and college that I lost touch with. I think that’s what I said. Now I’m going to two weddings in July because of it. I think that’s what I said instead of my natural smartass response.

One of the Ashley's tried to be funny (MS State Ashley). She pointed at a painting on the wall. Everyone looked and she tried to grab my glass of wine because hers was empty. I snatched it away and asked what the hell she was doing. She said "you know, if you were my friend, you'd let me have your glass." I said "honey, I've got lots of friends. I don't need any that try to steal my drink." She tried to put on a pouty act and I started talking to someone else. Not two minutes later, her next drink showed up and she was happy again.

Anyways, I had a great time and I’m glad I got the invite. Here are a few pics from the evening.
Here is the birthday girl with AL.
Here we have the birthday girls with Scottie Too Hottie and a two lovely ladies. I think someone said something that made Scottie Too Hottie start to laugh. I have no idea what though.Here is the birthday girl with the hottest dude there.So what’s next on the agenda? A lot of partying and very little blogging. Which sounds like a good thing to me. I leave tomorrow morning for New Jersey. I’ll be there for the Jackster’s wedding. I fly back Sunday evening and will drive to the lake. I’ll relax at the lake Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday I’ll come back to work for a 3 day work week. And I have no idea what’s going on next week except I’m meeting Scottie Too Hottie for drinks one evening after work.

So if this turns out to be my last post until next week, have a great weekend, get you some strange, and don’t get none on ya.



Songs on the Playlist:
The Who – My Generation (Live at Leeds)
Garth Brooks – The Night Will Only Know
Cowboy Mouth – How Do You Tell Someone
Pink Floyd – Speak To Me > Breathe
Saliva – Click Click Boom
REM – Losing My Religion
Jimmy Buffett - Love In The Library Kiss - Got To Choose
Jimmy Buffett - He Went To Paris

HNT

HOLY CRAP!!! I almost forgot it was Half Nekkid Thursday. I had actually sat down earlier this week and thought out what I was going to do for the HNT. This week's theme is a joke.

Why do women make bad engineers? Because they've always been taught that this is 6 inches:

Funny right? Ok, for those of you who are here looking for a recap of the surprise birthday party last night, I'll post that at the end of the day.

Britney Spears Posing Nude

Three or four years ago there was one headline that would have solicited a unanimous cheer from straight men across the globe:

Britney Spears Poses Nude For Magazine.

Simultaneously young boys across the country would have started puberty. That was a headline that we males hoped and prayed for. But alas it never came.

Fast forward to summer 2006 (i.e. TODAY). Britney (or Brit-Brit or Lurlean or Cleatus’s meal ticket) is more of a joke than anything. She is a poor white trash girl from the backwoods of Louisiana who made it big on being sexually suggestive in her actions and lyrics. She came to the height of celebrity status only to begin her ridiculously rapid decent back to poor white trash status (only now she has tons of money). She “falls in love” with Cleatus (Kevin Federline) and starts popping out babies left and right. But obviously she still craves the attention that she used to get. The paparazzi is still there, but the fans, well they’ve grown up and realize that she’s not that talented. She is more of a pop culture joke now. So what does she do?

She poses nude for a magazine.

Sorry Brit-Brit, but too little, too pregnant, too late. You know how some women look absolutely beautiful while they are pregnant? You’re not one of them. So please, fade into obscurity. For our collective sanity, just go away (and take Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay with you).

More On Cougars

I had written a nice post about my upcoming schedule. Then I realized none of it was a social calendar for local events so I have decided to rewrite this post about something better:

COUGARS!!!

Or at least a better definition for several readers who are still confused from the Saturday Recap. Of course we have our urban dictionary’s definition of a cougar. But several women readers were afraid they might fall into that category. K from yogacoffeeoutlook was afraid of what age she would become a cougar because she’s about to turn 32.

Let me explain it this way, not all women will necessarily become cougars. Cougars tend to have most of the following characteristics:
A raspy, whiskey voice from too many years of smoking and drinking straight whiskey.
They are divorced and/or separated AND instead of dating men their own age, they try to get younger men (younger as in there tends to be an age difference of at least but not necessarily 10-15 years).
They wear too much hairspray with long black roots (or gray roots) and obviously dyed hair. (note: if I can tell a woman has dyed hair, it is a bad job). They have poofed up hair, sometimes called Jersey Hair or Southaven Hair.
They spend too much time in the tanning bed, which long time ago in their 20s was ok, but in their 40s and 50s gives them the appearance of a leather hide.
They look like they were “ridden hard and put up wet.” In other words they tend to look rough.
They appear to have no class or self esteem.
Although they hunt for younger men, they can’t ever be categorized as a “Mrs. Robinson.” They don’t have any class or dignity. There is an allure for a Mrs. Robinson, the classy older woman who makes a real man out of the young man by teaching him how to make love like a sophisticated man. Cougars tend to be trashy.
They are not put together well. Too much makeup.
They have a strong lack of sophistication.
They tend to be in their mid to late 40s through their 50s (maybe even in their 60s?). They dress like they are 18.
They have a lot of plastic surgery.

Please note that NOT ALL older women who are interested in younger men are cougars. Any woman with any sophistication, is not a cougar. And note that there is nothing wrong with an older woman and a younger man. If you make each other happy, that’s great. But men, beware of the cougars.

Examples:
I think that Dannah Harryl would be a cougar just because she annoys the hell out of me. But someone else may not see her as a cougar. Same goes with Kim Cattrall’s character in Sex and The City. She could be seen as a cougar (only because we know of her open sexuality), but she’s really not. She’s a very open and independent woman. One woman that I know for a fact should always be characterized as a cougar (EVEN THOUGH she’s married) is Sharon Stone. Not Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but Sharon Stone the red carpet hasbeen. See this pic. It is a perfect visual example of a cougar:
Ok, I know Lindsay Lohan isn't a good contrast as she's headed to be a cougar one day probably. But doesn't it look like Sharon Stone is telling Lindsay "Hey, we need to go out sometime. You can be my wingman since I like guys your age." Again, I know she's married or something, but come on! Tell me she isn't a perfect candidate for Cougar of the Year.

Ok so you may not get it yet. Imagine that old single friend of your mom’s who used to come to stay with your folks once every year or few years. She’d flirt with you (or a brother) and it made you feel uncomfortable. You knew there was something “not right” about her, but you could never tell what it was. She could be a cougar. Or say one of your buddy’s moms was a divorcee and she always flirted with you and her son’s other friends. It always made you feel really uncomfortable. She might be a cougar. Remember that older lady at the restaurant the other night drinking the martini at the bar and eyeing any man without a woman on his arm? She’s probably a cougar.

Like most things in the world, the definition of a cougar is as varied as the crazy women we try to put in the category. So the lesson of this is to sit back and beware of any woman you think may be a cougar until you can tell for sure.

Songs on the Playlist:
George Strait – You Know Me Better Than That
The Grateful Dead – Looks Like Rain
Paul Simon – Me And Julia Down By The Schoolyard
Jack Johnson – Dreams Be Dreams
INXS – New Sensation
The Beatles – With A Little Help From My Friends
Patsy Cline – Crazy
The Who – Behind Blue Eyes
The Doobie Brothers – Long Train Running
The Cars – Shake It Up
The Gap Band – You Drop A Bomb On Me
Toad The Wet Sprocket – All I Want
Aerosmith – Angel
David Gray – In Your Eyes
The Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling

Saturday Recap

Ok, so my plan was to get to Newby's 9ish. I would hang out there and then head to Midtown to go to Rachel's friend's bday party at which point I would finally meet the infamous Rachel face to face. As you know the best laid plans tend to fall by the wayside. So here's what happened:

I did a ton of laundry yesterday. About 8 I called McAllister's to get some dinner. I always need food in my stomach before going out. I came home and ate. Decided to hang loose and finish a few things around the house. I had a few phone calls and finally jumped in the shower around 9:15. Remember I said I wanted to get to Newby's 9ish. Got dressed and had to wait for a load to get out of the dryer. I don't know what the hell happened, but I finally got to Newby's around 10:30. Somehow I wasted an hour and fifteen minutes between the approximate time I got in the shower and the time I arrived at the bar. WTF!?! That still makes no sense.

So I walk in and see NO ONE I know. Now I knew that BD & BG got there between 7 and 8. But they were no where to be found. The theatre side had some 18 & up show and I know damn well they weren't there. So I look around and see RD and Kat with two other folks. So I go say hey to them. Then I peak out onto the back patio and see a few familiar faces. I excuse myself and head out there. I find BD & BG along with a few other guys I know. I met this one kid who I'll call T. He was stupid drunk. Actually I couldn't tell if he was a genuinely stupid drunk or if he is just stupid. He added to a few funny stories. I'll save those for later.

So I hang out there for a while and head back in to the bar. While I was outside some other friend of RD's showed up. Her name was Tanya and she was a cougar. I mean the epitome of cougar. She seemed like she could be cool, if she didn't try so hard. But you know what, I had no desire to find out if she was cool. I did what I always do around cougars: I stayed the F away from her as long as possible.

Now I'm trying to remember this in chronological order, but I really feel like telling a few of the stories as I remember them.

Stories with T:
1. This first moment I knew this kid was a little screwy: I look over and it looks like someone has spilled an entire drink on him from the top of his right shoulder and it went all down the front of his shirt. I said "Hey man, do you have a drinking problem or did you piss someone off?" Everyone at the table looks and almost in unison say "OMG, you tried to throw that shot over your shoulder didn't you?" Apparently this kid was trying to keep from getting too effed up by throwing a jagermeister shot over his shoulder when no one was looking. Unfortunately, he was already so effed up he couldn't even do that.
2. This guy starts a random conversation in the middle of everyone else's conversations: "Dude, did yall see the sign at our house at Pickwick on Memorial Day?" Half of the people in the group were clueless as to what he was talking about and the other half started rubbing their temples like they had a headache. Apparently T put up a sign somewhere at his family's lakehouse facing the water that had a website address on it. I WILL NOT tell you the address. I made it a point to forget it after I heard what the website was: it is gay 80 year old man porn. Yeah you read that right. Octogenarian porn for gay guys. Who puts this stuff up? Who wants to see this? And how does this guy know this? And why did he admit that he knew this address? Those are questions that are still left unanswered. And frankly I don't want to know the answers. That's just messed up.
3. This is the final T story. I didn't witness it, but since it had happened just before I went back to the patio they were still yapping about it. He walked outside and sat on one of the picnic tables next to some hot chick. All of a sudden he ripped a ridiculous fart. It was apparently loud. The poor girl stopped her conversation with someone else, turned to T, and said "I'm sorry, but did you just fart?" His reply: "Yeah. Didn't you feel it?"

Cougar story:
The cougar and her cougar accomplice (yeah they were in a pack) kept cornering different folks in our group. No wait, I'm sorry they kept cornering different guys in our group. Let me explain something technical here. They belonged to RD's group. Her group consisted of 6 people who all met up together there (3 girls, 2 cougars, and a husband of one of the girls). My group really consisted of about 7 or 8 guys. The cougars were on the hunt and targeted our group. Well at least they were talking to us. One of them actually works with one of the guys in our group so I may be a little harsh here, but oh well. I didn't bring the 50ish divorcee to the bar and let her try to get all over any single guy I knew. So I can say whatever the hell I want here. So anyway they kept cornering folks. Finally around 1:45 the cougar cornered me. Here is that conversation:
Cougar to someone standing next to me (we were in a conversation): "Now I don't think I've met this young man yet. Who is this?"
Me: "AAAA! COUGAR!!!"
My Buddy: "This is Philip." He walks off. Thanks, dick.
Me: "AAAA! COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!! SOMEONE GET ANIMAL CONTROL NOW!"
Cougar: "Hehe. You're cute. Nice to meet you."
Me: "Nice to meet you too. COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!!"
Cougar: "I think you are funny." She hugs me.
Me: "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT! BAD TOUCH!"
Cougar: "I think I've heard RD talk about you before. I hear you're a funny guy."
Me: "COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!! Ok, it was nice to meet you. I'm walking away now. COUGAR!!!"
So my question to you dear reader, was that a little harsh? After a few jagerbombs, I didn't think so. This morning I didn't think so. This afternoon I still don't think so.

Darts Story:
Towards the end of the evening, I wandered into the game room where the darts and pool tables are. There was a crowd in there. I saw BG and PF playing darts with some random patrons.
Quick note: the random patrons had cougars with them. I don't know what the hell was going on last night. I guess the cougars of Memphis must have been in heat or something. Normally Newby's is full of my generation (i.e. 20s & 30s) late on Friday's and Saturday's. I don't get it.
So anyway, I wander into the dart area. I hadn't taken two steps into the room and I can feel the tension. Not the good kind of tension, but the fight tension. I turned to one of our guys who was standing there NOT DRINKING.
Me: "What is going on?"
Dude: "See that guy in the blue shirt? He's pissed at something and it is directed at either BG or BD. I don't know what they did or what they are doing, but he is not calming down."
Now this guy was about 45 to 50. Our group consisted of three 26 year olds and a few guys in their mid-30s. Plus we know the bouncers, bartenders, and other employees of the bar. So I knew that we wouldn't start the fight. But I could just see the intense anger in this guy's eyes. I stayed around for a few minutes trying to figure out what was going on. This is the gist of what went down. BG & PF went to play darts. Someone (either them or the other group of folks) decided to whip it out and see who had the bigger one, i.e. they decided to play against each other for money. $20 per side. I've never seen BG or PF play darts. Never. They were very drunk, happy drunk. Despite this and the fact that these other folks apparently play darts regularly (they kept using this "darts jargon"), they were losing to our guys. Our guys were getting some very lucky shots. Our guys ended up beating dude in the blue shirt and his wife/girlfriend/cougar. Our guys were happy and having a good time and this guy was pissed off. His friends eventually called him a dumbass for 1. betting 2. being a bad loser and 3. just killing their fun evening. He walked away sulking and I swear I overheard his lady friend say to one of her other girlfriends there "Yeah, I'm not giving it up tonight now." I laughed and walked back to the patio.

Overall I had a lot of fun last night. Unfortunately I didn't get that many pics. I did get a pic with everyone's favorite waitress, Lauren. She had left work and come back to party. She is a really cool chick. If she ever serves you, tip well. She works hard putting up with you.
Papa Top's West Coast Turnaround was badass. If you EVER get a chance to see them, do it. They really kick ass.

Ok, I'm going to do a little work now. Yall have a great Sunday and spend it relaxing dammit.

Songs on the Playlist:
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Gimme Three Steps
The Grateful Dead - Alabama Getaway
Jimi Hendrix - Fire
Jerry Jeff Walker - London Homesick Blues
The Who - Summertime Blues (live at Leeds)
O.A.R. - I Feel Home
Stone Temple Pilots - Still Remains
Janis Joplin - Me And Bobby McGee
Edgar Winter Group - Frankenstein
The Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Robert Earl Keen - Keep Swervin' In My Lane
Jimmy Buffett - Distantly In Love
The Rolling Stones - Have You Seen Your Mother Baby, Standing In The Shadows
The Who - I Can't Explain
Pat Green & Cory Morrow - It's A Great Day To Be Alive
James Brown - Papa's Got A Brand New Bag
Eric Clapton - Hey Hey
Bob Dylan - Tangled Up In Blue
Cream - Anyone For Tennis

Friday Night Recap / Plans for Tonight

So yeah. I bored. I should probably go run or something, but I don't feel like it.

Ok last night. I went down to the Pinch District (by the Pyramid) to the Balinese Ballroom for a birthday party for Gina (the Shady Hasbeen's Sister). It was a lot of Ptolemy folks so I knew most everyone there. The Shady Hasbeen assured me earlier in the week that there would be plenty of single women there. Apparently her definition of plenty and mine are totally different.
I had a good time though. Hung out with several folks and talked. You know normal laid back party stuff.

The downer of the evening had to be the band. I have no idea who they were. But all they played was covers (understandable). Unfortunately they didn't have a drummer. They had a bass player, two guitarists (one was the lead singer), and keyboard dude with foot pedals for the synthesized drums. The lead singer sang every song like he was J.B. from Widespread Panic. Literally. When I first got there, I was standing in the bar room and I heard his voice echo around the corner. I said "Are they covering a Panic song?" Turns out they weren't. It was just some pop song that he sang in the style of J.B. That killed the music for me all night. I couldn't even get into songs I love. I remember they played a Beatles song. I just looked at everyone and said "Are they really butchering the Beatles now? John and George are rolling over in their graves."

To make matters worse, the next building down the street was Westy's. They had a band playing out back. When we stood out front of Balinese Ballroom, you could hear the band echoing over. I heard them play Dylan's "Knocking On Heaven's Door" and "Tangled Up In Blue" as well as Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama." I kept wondering why we didn't go hear that band. But I was there for the party so I behaved myself.

The Shady Hasbeen had a quote last night in regards to her new title: "It is better to be a Hasbeen than a Neverwas." We laughed and went back to whatever conversation we were already having. I think she mostly said it just so I'd mention it here. There you go, darling. Now can you quit talking so much? :P

Apparently this was the birthday weekend. Of course we celebrated Gina's Bday last night. We called Little L to wish him a happy bday at midnight because today is his bday. He's in Colorado to see Panic at Red Rocks, I think. Duchess Jana apparently has a bday today. She was there so A.L. called her voicemail at midnight and we all sang happy birthday to her (she is notorious for leaving her cell phone off and/or at home). She walked out while we were singing. She was confused that we were already singing until A.L. handed her the phone. All the girls thought it was a very romantic move. We men went back to drinking after that.

After they kicked us and the band out of Balinese we all walked next door to Westy's. That band rocked. I danced with a few ladies and had a few beers. Then I went inside and sat at the bar. Gordo decided to go through his camera and show me ALL the pics he had on it. After pic 1,247 I quit paying attention (kidding). But the funny thing is, he was trying to talk to me about God knows what, when he over emphasized a word and all of a sudden there was this grimy dirt on my arm and face. Apparently Gordo didn't put his dip in properly and when he said some word, some dip got on my. Thank God it wasn't the dip spit but the actual tobacco itself. I wiped that off and chastised him for a good 20 minutes. He apologized profusely.

I got a reuben to eat after a while (they have a lot of good food there, FYI). With tots of course. I ate my reuben and started in on my tots. Then three vulters swooped in from the skies: Joey R., Gordo, and RD (yes, Kat's RD). Those bastards kept trying to eat my tots. Joey R stole the basket and gave them to RD. They laughed and laughed and before they could start eating them, I grabbed my effing tots back and wolfed them down. I said "how ya like me now, bitches?" Yeah I thought I was real cool after all those vodka tonics and Shiner Bocks.

Ok so final analysis of last night. Balinese Ballroom has big potential. That band sucked. The band at Westy's rocked. The reuben I ate at Westy's was badass.

So what's on the gameplan tonight? Well BG has invited me to meet him at Newby's. He is going to be there with BD. Supposedly HM and DM have been invited as well. There is really no telling what the hell I'm going to do. I know that Papa Top's West Coast Turnaround is playing there. I want to hear them play unless I get dragged to another bar with the guys. I've been invited to a Midtown Hipster bday party near the Buccaneer by Rachel. I'll probably head there unless I need to take a cab. At which point, I'll just take a cab home whenever I leave where I am.

Ok, I'm gonna head on. Go get you some ass tonight kids, you deserve it.

Memphis or Nashville: Pick Your Poison

Before I start, anyone who is even slightly in favor of Politically Correct things, stop reading now. A few comments made here may offend you. You loser. Get your underwear untwisted and leave my blog.

I was having an email conversation this morning with a few folks. One of them who lives in Nashville said this:

“did I tell ya'll about the (gay man slang) that grabbed my pecker in the park?”

We responded with the usual hetero-macho male comments:

“did you tip him?”
“did you thank him?”
“why would you call yourself a (gay man slang) for touching yourself?”
“was he reaching around or something ‘for a towel?’ ”

We all had our respective laughs and then my friend from Nashville told us the story:

In all truth, I had gone for a long run and wore my self out. Went to the bathroom at the park to splash water on my face. There was a fellow in there taking a slam, I figured that out when he flushed the toilet. After he flushed I looked up and saw him, he said to me, in a straight voice, at least I thought, "its pretty hot out there isn't it."

Not thinking much of it I respond with "yes it’s really hot, I am worn out from the heat."

Now there are a lot of middle aged men that take their kids to the park, I thought he was one of them. He comes and stands right next to me to clean his hands. When I stand up and start walking out the door he says "how you doin" (this is when I first heard his gay voice) and grabs my pecker head. I must say I was in a bit of shock and all I could say back was "dude, I was doing better before that crap."

I didn't stick around, but after I was out of the bathroom I heard him say sorry in a gay voice…

After that point my friend goes on to discuss if he had hit the guy would have been a hate crime or self-defense. I think he argued that in a practical world it would be considered self-defense, but in today’s society it would be a hate crime. And on and on. I’ll save you those details.

So why am I sharing this with you? Because I have several friends who live in Nashville or are from Nashville originally. They all swear that Nashville is better than Memphis in every aspect. Memphis is full of crime and yada yada yada. I’ve heard it for years. Let me make this statement:

If I go into a bathroom in a Memphis park, I’ll probably be robbed (especially if it’s downtown, right Paul? FYI Paul is our newly appointed crime prevention blogger). But apparently if I go into a bathroom in a Nashville park, I’ll probably be felt up by some dude or even raped. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be robbed than “lose the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed.” So to all you Nashvegans, don’t look down at your noses at the Memfricanos anymore. Your city is not that perfect. Our sketchy citizens may take your money, but they don’t take care of you prison shower style.

Now, please don’t read this as a declaration of war between our cities. This was just an attempt to show a bit of tarnish on Nashville’s collective ego as the premiere local in the state. Memphis still has a plethora of problems (why do you think so many people move to North Mississippi, the suburbs, Tipton County, and Fayette County?) But Nashville’s not perfect either.

So remember to guard your pecker head the next time you visit Nashvegas and have to use the bathroom. Apparently that’s where the gay men cruise for new meat.

Songs on the Playlist:
Pat Green – Here We Go
O.A.R. – Hold On True
Widespread Panic – Love Tractor
Widespread Panic – Imitation Leather Shoes
Oasis – Don’t Look Back In Anger
ZZ Top – Tube Snake Boogie (is that appropriate for this post?)
The Rolling Stones – Jigsaw Puzzle
Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper

Wishful Thinking HNT

Happy HNT yall. This week's theme is what I'd rather be doing: FISHING. And if I were fishing, I'd like a lot more than this big boy.

I lent someone my digital camera today so I had to dig back in the files for this.

Wednesday Post

Ok I have something to admit. I have a song that I can’t stop playing: Ah Leah by Donnie Iris and the Cruisers. You probably know the song, but don't know it by name. Check it out on their MySpace page. The version they have up there is a live one. It is a badass song. I'm going to either download the live version or buy the live album.

Miniher has changed her MySpace page name to Master Polo II after the infamous, unknown Memphis Z List celebrity Master Polo. He is the unknown dude who is friends with most everyone on MySpace. His entire profile is a lie. But if you look at Master Polo II you’ll see a fuzzy camera phone pic of some dude. I believe (without any proof) that dude is Master Polo. So catch a glimpse fast before she reads this post and deletes the pic.

And Miniher, what’s up with changing your name to Master Polo II? Is it obsession or infatuation?

OK so what else is going on? Friday night I’m going to a birthday party downtown for the Shady Hasbeen’s sister. She turns 30. You have to know her to understand why this is a big deal. She’s one of those people who is obsessed with staying young in our eyes. I still love her to death, but damn woman, you’re gonna be thirty. Get over it! Oh and Happy Birthday.

I just got an invite to another b’day party in Midtown Saturday night from Rachel. She forwarded the info to about 100 folks. How I made the cut I’ll never know. I’ll probably go by. Actually I think I crashed this exact party last year. It’s very Midtown with a DJ playing and a bunch of angst-ridden 20 and 30-somethings. You know, the hipsters. Not that it’s a bad thing. I’ll probably drag Mr & Mrs P there since they were the ones who took me last year.

I think Paul mentioned something on his blog about an MPact Memphis party next Wednesday:
“Mpact Memphis is having its After Hours on the rooftop of The Lofts, Tennessee at GE Patterson, next Wednesday at 6 PM, with music by The Glass. I haven't done anything with Mpact in a while but this event sounds pretty cool.”
I may check that out too. I'd like to see The Glass because everyone in the blogosphere talks about them. I also need to go to an MPact event sometime. I think I’ve been to one of their events since I graduated from college.

…which was four years ago. That blows my mind. This time four years ago I was talking my final summer school classes during the morning and laying out by the pool drinking beer every afternoon. For any of you who are still in college, walk with your class in May and then take summer school classes. It beats going to work all summer long.

Other than that I’m taking it easy to prepare for my big trip to New Jersey for the Deuce’s wedding next weekend. More on that story another time.

Have a good one and don’t get none on ya.


Songs on the Playlist:
Chris LeDoux – Copenhagen
The Grateful Dead – Little Red Rooster
KISS – Rock and Roll All Nite
O.A.R. – Hey Girl
Frank Sinatra – When I Was Seventeen
Black Crowes – Twice As Hard

Weekend Recap

Yeah yeah yeah. You're tired of waiting on my weekend recap to get here. Well here it is.

Friday I got off work and was driving home. I decided to be good and stopped by the gym first. I had a nice workout and went home. On the way home I was making the "what the hell are we doing tonight" calls. I called the former Shady Duchess. She was on the other line so I left her a voicemail:

"Hey. How are you? I'm well. I really hope you're doing OK now that you can't wear your crown anymore when you go out in public. Are you going to be OK with being a normal person again or do we need to schedule counseling or something for post-Carnival depression?"

Ok, I didn't really say that verbatim, but that's basically what I said. I got the call 3 minutes later:

"That was so horrible. How could you say that? You don't know how much I miss it. I was just talking to (another duchess) saying how I couldn't believe that I actually had a weekend without a party scheduled."

She told me that she was going out with two friends from college who are newlyweds, V (wife) & K (husband). I told her I'd meet her at her place around 8. I showed up around 8:45. I walked in and she offered me a beer. I got a nice, cold Michelob Ultra. Halfway through I felt like a woman after 28 days. I felt bloated. I really felt like someone had taken an air hose and filled up my torso with about 25 lbs of air. I did appreciate the beer, of course, but damn if I forgot how much Ultra sucks. Of course it is a "weight loss" beer. You drink one and you feel full.

So we duck out of the apartment and head out to Newby's first. Someone suggests that we all ride in one car. They said "Hey, Philip do you mind driving? We've all been drinking for over an hour." I tell them if two of them want to crawl in the backseat of a truck, we can take my car. Otherwise, I'm driving someone else's ride. We take the former Shady Duchess's Nissan Riceburner. I don't know what kind it specifically was, but she had the seat up close to the steering wheel and the top leaned back. I was flexing, yall. After I adjusted everything to make it drivable (sp?), she put in some crappy rap mix. We roll to Newby's at 9:30. It was dead. We stayed there about 2 hours. We got there and saw our buddy Little L.

After a beer, I order a jagerbomb for myself and K. I heard them talking earlier about how much he likes jager. Then the ladies decided to start taking buttery-nipples. Ever had one? It's totally a chick shot. (By the time I left the group that night they had done about 12 between the two of them). We hung out and shot the proverbial shiznit for a while.

Funny story! While we were there, there was some dude sitting on my right. Apparently he was on a strict budget, because he was keeping track everytime he ordered a beer. How do I know this? Because he had only 30-something in cash and was trying to drink as much as possible in beer and be able to leave a tip. I think at his last beer he had his $28 on his tab. I don't remember exactly how much Bud Light was, but he was nice and shithoused. How do we know he was f'ed up? Well the best clue was when he kept shouting to another couple down the bar and they wouldn't pay him any attention. He asked me to get their attention. I said "excuse me, but this guy would like to tell you something apparently." He then said the following words (I shite you not):

"Yall are a great couple. I mean you've got it going on. Good for you."

Some of you (read: my women readers) may say "Aww, that was so sweet of him." Well read it now as he said it:

"Listenyallareagreat couple! I mean you've got...it...going...on. Goodforyou."

Sound a little creepy? It kinda was. Somehow I got associated with him in the dude's mind. By the way, dude of the couple was NOT happy. He just stared and looked at us both. The drunk to my right was trying to give them a compliment, but it came off all creepy. It turns out that they have been married for 7 years and yada yada yada. But apparently drunk dude was in love with some girl (hmm...I wonder where she was on a Friday night) and felt this cosmic bond with the rest of the lovers in our world. Everytime he sees a sunset, his heart fills with love and hope for the rest of us. Or as he tried to explain it to them:

"You'rereallylucky. I just found a great girl. And yall are really lucky. We've been together about month. And yall areagreatcouple. She is really special to me so I feel it. You've got...it...going...on."

This of course segue wayed into a conversation between that married couple and the married couple in our group. You know the conversations married couples who don't know each other have:
So how long have you been married?
Oh that's a pretty ring?
Do you have any kids yet?
When are you going to have kids?
blah blah blah

The former Shady Duchess and I both rolled our eyes. Oh yeah, she is no longer called the Shady Duchess. She renamed herself by accident. We were talking about God knows what when she said "Yeah, I can't be called a duchess anymore (or even a Shady Duchess). Now I'm just a Hasbeen." So she is now our official 'Hasbeen of the Month'. What's her prize? She can by me a drink.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only quote of the night. V apparently has a tendency to say funny things without meaning to. The girls were using the women's facilities when V pronounced to the Hasbeen the following statement:

"It's hot and I'm stuck in the bathroom!"

Yeah, I know it's not the funniest thing I've ever heard either, but they were laughing and made me promise to post it if I actually wrote anything about that night.

After a while I decided that it was in my best interest to clog my arteries. So I ordered Newby's smothered tots. Let me explain how great these are: tater tots with ketchup & sour cream on the side. The tots are covered in melted cheese and bacon bits. Sounds great right? It is. Well apparently V is a big fan of eating while drinking. Here are three pics of her eating and trying to hide it. Think I made her a little self conscious?





Yeah I do too. FYI, the brunette is the Hasbeen. The blonde is V. K is in the green shirt. They are really cool folks and I hope we can hang out again.

So after a while, we left and went to Brookhaven. I stayed out until about 12:45. I caught a cab home because I had to the family thing Saturday. I'm glad I did because they stayed out drinking till 3. Little L met us out there and drove them home after his shift.

Saturday I drove to Batesville for an early Father's Day with my grandfather. When I got there I found that my 7 year old cousin was there too. Guess what that means? A slightly hungover 26 year old in loafers gets to play baseball with a 7 year old. Yeah! It actually was a lot of fun. I got home around probably 5 or 6PM. I was going to go out with the Hasbeen again, but she didn't call me back until 8:45 to make plans. By that point I had my weekend's moment of clarity and decided to stay in. So yeah, I didn't do anything Saturday night. And you know what? I had a blast.

Sunday I spent most of my time doing laundry and watching World Cup. I don't even remember who we watched, but it was all good. I picked up my grandmother and drove to the 'rent's house in G'town. We had steaks and lots of food. Dad got a new DVD player because he'd had the same one since the mid-90s. No, I don't think you understand how old this is. When you put in a DVD, you have a menu on the player itself pop up on screen that asks what you want to do. How 'tarded is that? It simply blows my mind. There were no subtitle capabilities with it (at least none that were worth anything). On top of the DVD player, I got him Band of Brothers. If you've never seen that and you like war movies, I highly recommend it. I love it. It is a 10 episode mini-series from HBO that tells the story of the 101st Airborne from training through the end of WWII. Amazing.

I raced home after dropping my grandmother off and caught Entourage. I missed Deadwood but I'll catch it today after I get home.

Alright, I'm outta here. I hope you had a good weekend.


Songs on the Playlist:Widespread Panic - Heroes
Widespread Panic - Wondering
The Black Crowes - Soul Singing
George Clinton & Parliament - Flashlight
The Black Crowes - Jealous Again
David Gray - This Year's Love
The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
Garth Brooks - Two Pina Coladas
Weezer - Say It Ain't So
Dave Matthews Band - So Much To Say
Green Day - American Idiot
Van Halen - Can't Stop Loving You
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Fishin In The Dark

Did you watch Saved By The Bell?

I did. Loved it. Not the second group of kids or when they went to college. But I really dug it as a kid.

Now the question arises: was I a big enough fan to help out Screech? Hmm...I don't think so. But you can at least check out the story. You'll probably get a good laugh about it.

Living in the Ghetto

Not many folks know how to survive in the South Memphis Ghetto. Back in March, I did a post on Ghetto fashion and shortly after, a post on what the Ghetto boys and girls were drinking. Well I have combined those into another more general post this time. I present to you
LIVING IN THE GHETTO, JUNE 2006

To live in the ghetto, you must be able to adapt to your surroundings. Feel like you need to lose weight? Well have no fear, it is ok to drink Bud Select in the ghetto. How do we know this? Because one of our friendly hoodrats left a bottle cap in the parking lot this morning.
For the higher ranking members of the Ghetto Society, you don't need to worry about your appearance. Drink Miller Lite and pack on the pounds.
Now if you listened to the stereotypes, you would assume that Kools, Marlboros, Newports, and Swisher Sweets are the tobacco products of choice. There appears to be a new favorite:
Red Seal, Long Cut
I guess dipping isn't just for the suburban white kids anymore. Now everyone can look stupid with a mouth full of dirt. Yeah!!!

So you know how to get drunk and fill your nicotin fixes while living in the ghetto. But what about fashion issues? Well the hot item right now is apparently the Destiny's Child purse. Here we have Moniqua modeling it at a South Memphis sandwich shop. Apparently you "ain't da shiznit" if you don't carry your "homegirls" with you to "git your eat on." Thank you, Moniqua. While in the South Memphis hood, you will see all kinds of cars. Everyone knows about spinners, 20s, rims, and all that. But this one stood out that it just had to be included. It's not very ghetto or hip or anything, but it is kinda disturbing. On the VERY TINTED rearview window, there is a sticker of Jesus with the crown of thorns. On the truck, there is a Jesus Fish. The temporary tag is dated 06/06/06. That's scary.
I hope you have enjoyed this seminar on how to live in the South Memphis Ghetto. Hopefully we'll have more advice for you soon.

Keep it sleezy and don't get none on ya.

HNT - Dehydration

I was a little hungover this morning. About 8 last night, I got a call from a buddy:
"Dude, what are you doing? It doesn't matter! Get off your ass and get up to Newby's! We're drinking!"
What else do I need to hear, right? So I went about 8:30 and had a few cocktails. I probably went to bed around 12:15. This morning came waaaaayyyy too soon.
So I have been chugging water to rehydrate myself. I know the best DETOX is RETOX, but I'm working so I can't have any bloody mary's today. So water and Tylenol for me!Happy HNT! For the HNT rules or just to find out what it is, click on that link.

Songs on the Playlist:
Phish - Fee
Kool & The Gang - Jungle Boogie
Robert Johnson - Hellhound On My Trail
Derek & The Dominoes - Tell The Truth

What is wrong with People?

I'm trying to figure out how they forgot to include me. They begged me for the interview and even took a few pics. They had me do the "George Costanza on a Bear Rug" shot. And you know what? I was en fuego! Yet, they forgot me at printing time. I just don't understand People magazine.

Lunchie Munchie?

Alright alright alright! My sister is working down here at the office for the summer. Mom sent her with lunch today. Guess what I just wolfed down? A Turkey-bleu cheese sandwich. I only got pics of half of it because I was scarfing down the other half. Damn it's good.

She puts turkey breast and bleu cheese in a blender to make it. Then she'll spread it all on two slightly toasted pieces of wheat bread. It is badass. Enjoy your McDonald's, fool.
Jealous?

Songs on the Playlist:
ZZ Top - Pearl Necklace
Lynyrd Skynyrd - What's Your Name?

Tuesday Post

Taggert: Well if that don’t beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to make it all the way to the super regionals at home again. And for what? So we can lose to the Northern Cuba Pelicans. I am depressed.
Lyle: Gee Mr. Taggert, I shore hate to see you like this. Say, would it make you feel any better if me and the boys were to shoot them Pelicans?
Taggert: You know, it just might.

For those of you who are uneducated in the ways of great comedic performances, that was a little bit of tweaking with a scene from Blazing Saddles, which is definitely in the Top 5 comedies of all times. So what the hell am I talking about? Well OUR Ole Miss Rebels lost to the Northern Cuba Pelicans (or as you might call them, the Miami Hurricanes) in the Super Regionals. Just like last year, we won the first game in Oxford, but lost the final two. Last year we lost to Texas who eventually won it all. This year we lost to Miami. Every time I turned on the games, those Cubans (I mean Hurricanes) were bunting. What a bunch of ussypas! Sorry but that just pisses me off. Swing the bat like a man!

So last night I was going to go to the gym after work, but the Rebs were playing. So I picked up a dozen wings from Buffalo Wild Wings and headed home to have a few beers and wings. I had the Spicy Garlic ones. They weren’t hot enough. Towards the end of the game, I raced back to get some more. This time I got the Caribbean Jerk on 6 wings. They were a little hotter, but not that much better. So I watched the Rebels. When I got bored. I watched Entourage, Deadwood, and the Sopranos. I flipped back and forth. That’s the only good thing about cable. You have that On Demand crap. But I still hate cable. DirecTv is much better.

So I’m just a little upset over the Rebel’s loss. Add to that the fact that US lost in World Cup play to the Czech Republic. I’ve wondered how the hell we could lose to them, but I guess if you had to practice on fields with landmines you’d be good too. Seriously though, didn’t they just spend the last, oh, 100 years in war? When did they have time to become that badass at soccer (futbol)?

So what’s on the calendar this week? Nada. Absolutely nada. I’m kinda digging it too. I know this weekend is Bonnaroo. I went a few years ago and had a blast. Now I’d be too grumpy and need a shower by Saturday morning. That and I’d bring plenty more supplies and an air conditioned RV. Charly, I hope you’re taking hints here. Oh yeah, don’t get a ridiculous sunburn the first day because you have to wear a shirt the rest of the time. But that’s one of the good things about hippies, even I could walk around topless. Hell yeah! Reminds me there was this hot chick in a bikini bottom and a spray painted top walking around. So basically she was nude and painted. I had been walking around with a camel back full of margaritas all damn day and decided I needed to get my pic with her. I need to find a digital version of that so I can post it. I look like crap, but she was hot.

What else is going on? Oh yeah! Sunday is Father’s Day! Get Dad something nice because he puts up with you, you insignificant bastard. Hopefully we’ll go to the lake. But you never know. I would like another stress free weekend. That would be awesome.

Oh yeah, if you men haven’t already figured it out, we have officially been in “Gold Bond Season” for the last month or so. So powder up the boys. There’s nothing worse than peeling them off your legs. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then stay naïve. It’s cute and you’ll never get laid. So enjoy that.

Ok, I’m gonna roll. You kids behave yourself but keep it sleazy.

Songs on the Playlist:
Aerosmith – Love In An Elevator
Mr. Mister – Broken Wings
Shooter Jennings – Daddy’s Farm
Nirvana – Plateau
Robert Earl Keen – Down That Dusty Trail
James Brown – I Feel Good
Traffic – Empty Pages
George Strait – All My Exes Live In Texas
Paul Simon – Graceland
Pat Green – Dancehall Dreamer
Kylie Minogue – Outta My Head (she is so hot in that video)
ACDC – TNT
Jack Johnson – Situations
Drivin N' Cryin - Straight To Hell

Survey Deal

I took this from Kat's Blog. She's not smart enough to tell someone else to do it, so I took it upon myself

1.) Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006?
At the UClub watching all my married friends kiss each other. Kinda sad actually. No wait, that’s pathetic. But I didn’t have anyone worth taking. New Year’s Eve parties always suck and are overrated.

2.) How did you get the idea for your myspace name?
Well I was born with it. That’s a stupid question.

3) What are you listening to right now?
Random mix on the computer. The specific song is Jet “Get What You Need”

4.) Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Umm…no. I’m not a chick.

5.) What color underwear are you wearing?
Tabasco Boxers: white background with some Tabasco image pattern.

6.) Do you live in a zoo?
No, I live in a pigsty. I haven’t cleaned my room in over a week and I have laundry everywhere. Tonight is house cleaning night after the gym. The rest of the house is very clean, but my room is a total mess.

7.) What did you do this morning?
Woke up, showered, and drove to work. Boring huh?

8.) What does your mom do for a living?
Puts up with this family and be a wonderful woman.

9.) Where do you work?
(last name) Equipment Company.

10) What ended your last relationship?
Dating Relationship – drifted apart
Serious Relationship – She was falling in love with me and I didn’t think my emotional connection would become that strong with her.

11) What are the last two digits of your phone number?
86

12.) What was the last concert you attended?
I honestly can’t remember. I’m afraid to admit it, but I think it may have been Shooter Jennings at the Young Ave Deli back in April. Wow! I need to go to some shows soon.

13.) Who was with you?
Miniher and one of her chickenhead friends

14.) What was the last movie you watched?
Caddyshack last night. I can’t remember the last time I was in a theater. It was probably to see Sin City.


15.) What do you dislike at the moment?
Being tired.

16.) What food do you crave right now?
Hot wings. Buffalo wings. Whatever you want to call it. I want wings and beer. I know I should behave tonight (i.e. go to gym, go home, shower, eat salad or something, and do laundry), but I REALLY want some wings. I wonder if I can get Buffalo Wild Wings for takeout.

17.) Did you dream last night?
Yeah:
I went back in time to stop some a Carnival Krewe from being invaded by Mongolian warlords. The party was being held in a frontier town like Deadwood. The Mongolians sent some huge black dude to fight me. He pulled out two huge knives and tried to cut me. I broke the first knife with one hand. Then I gutted him with the other. Then I stood in front of everyone to proclaim that this was my dream and nobody was going to F with me, bitches! The Mongolians took off and we partied. Then I woke up. Weird.

18.) What was the last TV show you watched?
Sportscenter

19.) What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
I don’t wear jewelry. I’m not gay or a metrosexual or Italian (sorry Jeff).

20.) Name someone on your Myspace Top 8 who is just like you?
No one.

21.) What is the last thing you ate?
I just had a bag of chips from the vending machine.

23.) Who last IMed you?
I can’t remember as I haven’t used that crap since I was a sophomore in college. The last text I got was from Seagrove with his daily dirty text message.

24.) Are you on any medication?
Nope. Just a daily vitamin: Super B Complex.

25.) What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Topside. Ha. If you are laying on your back, I sleep on the left side of the bed. If you are a hottie and are laying on your back, I’m on top of you.

26.) What color shirt are you wearing?
Crimson with blue letters.

27) What color is your razor?
Silver and black Mach 3

28.) What is your favorite frozen treat?
Dunno. I guess if I had to have one right now, I’d go with either a Klondike Bar or an ice cream sandwich.

29.) How many tattoos/piercing do you have?
None and none

30.) What are your favorite stores?
None

31.) Are you thirsty right now?No, I just had a Coke to get some caffeine. But I really need to drink some water.

32.) Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Absolutely. I just have to find someone to put up with my dumbass.

33.) Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say Spilly. I’ve seen most everyone else from back in the college days more recently than him.

34.) What did you do last night?
Mexican and Caddyshack. I forgot Entourage and Deadwood started last night. Guess what I’m watching tonight?

35.) Do you care what people think about you?
Not really anymore. I used to, but then I realized that if I live my life the right way, I shouldn’t have to worry about that. Plus if they can’t take a joke, F them.

36.) Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
Are you referring to anything in the last 12 hours?

37) Do you like your nose?
Why would I hate it? Stupid question.

38.) What color is your bedroom?
Off white I guess. Whatever it was when I moved in.

39.) When was the last time you worked out?
Too long ago. I’d say Sunday last week. No, wait, I did 12 oz. curls on Saturday.

40.) Plead the 5th?
No, I plead the fiziff. There are so many I can choose from. One. Two. Three. Four. Fiff!!! I choose the Fiff!

41.) Do you like pedicures?
I don’t really care.

42.) Where do you live?
El Memfricano. Also known as Memphis, TN. Specifically in High Point Terrace just south of Summer Ave near what I call Little Mexico. Have you seen that area on Summer lately? It used to be known for having hookers all over it. Well thank God, they cleaned that up, but now they have Mexican stores all over. I’m not kidding. There are stores with nothing but Spanish on the items and ads. No one speaks English in them. I know enough Spanish to ask where something is, but I don’t know what their answers are.

43.) Are you an aggressive driver?
Yeah!

44.) Who is your cell phone carrier?
My pocket. I won’t put it on my hip like a douche.
My service provider is Cingular.

45.) Do you like the person who posted this last?
Yeah, but she hates me. And that’s how I’d like to keep it.

46.) Do you know their Birthday?
No, but I’m sure it’s unimportant.

47.) What is the thing you'd want to change most about yourself?
I’m tired of being a tripod.

48.) What color is your car?
Gold

49.) What do you smell like right now?
Probably dust. I’ve been in the warehouse.

50.) What is your favorite color?
Green. It’s been my favorite color since I was in pre-K and learned what the colors were.

51.) Do you like mustard?
Oh hell yeah!!! Why wouldn’t you?

52.) What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
Buck up, biotch!

53.) Would you ever go Sky Diving?
Yeah. I’m thinking about it. DP did it a few years ago and said it was badass.

54.) What do you sleep on?
A bed.

55.) What character from a movie/TV most reminds you of yourself?
None really. So I’ll have to go with Sean Connery’s James Bond. Not the Never Say Never Again cheesy one. I mean the early ones. Thunderball, Goldfinger, and Dr. No.

56.) Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
Yeah. It’s an addiction if you’re not careful.

57.) What did you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
Yeah, sorry about that. Next time I’ll pull out Angie.

58.) Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Of course. Everyone needs a hug.

59.) Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
Umm…no. I’ll wear whatever I want. I don’t fallow trends. If I see something I like and looks good, I’ll wear it. But unlike many people I am friends with (hint hint Friggin D & Ben) I don’t wear those vertical striped shirts without an undershirt showing way too much of a waxed chest. Talk about following a bad trend.

60.) Do you own a digital camera?
Yeah. I put up with it, but sometimes I think I need to get a new one.

61.) What celebrities have you been compared to?
None. If I was, I forgot it. I don’t really care about celebs.

62.) Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Dunno. I haven’t really watched it in a while. I’d guess it would be Han Solo.

63.) Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
Not really because everyone is dead to me.

64.) What books, if any, have made you cry?
I don’t cry.

65.) What would you do if a large black man punched you in the face and tried to steal your soda?
First of all you yankee bastard, I have no idea what a “soda” is. Down here we drink coke, pepsi, or whatever. You call it whatever it is. The only generic term for them would be “Soft Drink”. Second, why does it have to be a black man? Why you gotta be all racist and sh*t? Why can’t you just say “some bigass dude”? Damn man. You are the kinda person that just keeps these damn prejudices all ‘round us an’ sh*t. Mofo I oughta smoke you, fool!

66.) Are you a jealous person?
I try not to be, but you know how that works.

67.) Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
Screw you hippie. I eat meat, because if I didn’t the other animals on this planet would. So take your bleeding heart and get the hell outta my face before I rip it out and throw it on my grill, you little bitch!

68.) If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Lesbian


I officially charge Charly with doing this next. Get on it, girl.

Link to the Dating Game

Now this is funny. There isn't a permalink so check it ASAP. It is the post titled "The dating game." It's for women, but I got a few laughs out of it.
Enjoy

Ptolemy Clubroom Recap

Wow. Last night was a blast. The doors opened at 8:30 and I rolled into the Ptolemy Clubroom about 9:30. I was on my way there when I realized I had forgotten the camera. I didn’t turn around because I thought I was running late. Turns out I could have gone back for the camera but I didn’t. I rolled in and said my hellos to everyone. I have to say I was a little disappointed by the turnout. We had plenty of guests, but we were missing several members. I know of seven who weren’t there off the top of my head. But we had a lot of great representation from other Krewes. My only disappointment was our lackluster attendance by our Krewe members. But I had a blast.

Our theme was Caddyshack (GOLF PROS & TENNIS HOS). I wore a pink golf shirt, white pants and loafers. Yeah, I’m a friggin stud. I show up and say my hellos. I finally get to the bar to get the first cocktail. I order a Vodka tonic and go get in a conversation with Mark & Leanne (I think). All of a sudden I feel someone tapping my shoulder with something metal. I turn around to see Scottie-too-hottie holding my flask. He had walked out with it at DP&AP’s wedding a month ago. It was mostly full of vodka when he got it. I got it back mostly full of vodka. I had enough to make three more vodka tonics. Hell yeah. So as far as the bartender was concerned, I was driving because I kept getting tonic and ice. The only drink snafu of the evening was some boll weevil dropped a Baby Ruth in my sister’s drink. She said “EWW!” and threw it in mine. She had ice so it sat at the top of her drink. My ice had melted and the damn thing sank to the bottom of my glass. So I was walking around with a mini Baby Ruth in my vodka tonic. Since the party had a Caddyshack theme, I kept walking around asking folks if that was dootey or a Baby Ruth.

The band was Aquanet. They are an 80s hairband/metal cover band. I know it had nothing to do with the theme, but they were still good. I highly recommend checking them out whenever you can. It was fun. So overall I had a blast. I saw a few folks I hadn’t seen in a while. I messed with several of my sister’s friends in the Carnival Court. One of them who I’ve known since she was probably three years old tried to be all ‘miss hot stuff’ and tell me how I could never have her no matter how much I tried. I asked her what made her think I would actually lower my standards that much. She didn’t take it well. She just walked away. My sister, her date, and this girl’s date just stood there with their mouths agape. What do you think? Was that a little harsh? I don’t think so because she pulled that stuff back at Crown & Sceptre. Whatever. If she can’t take a joke, forget her.

So what’s left on the social calendar? I’m going to go fishing tomorrow morning so I’m not going out tonight. You kids have fun. I know there is some Memphis Blogger bash. I’ll probably miss that. I know the University Club Tea Party is tonight. It’s member and guest only though. I got an invite, but I’m too damn tired after last night. I think I’m just going to go home and crash after work. Other than that I don’t know anything going on tonight.

Oh yeah, if you are thinking about doing anything downtown anytime soon, you need to read Paul’s Blog about the damn crime spree downtown with the gangs. It is getting disturbing.

So in lieu of party pics from last night (since I forgot the camera), I have a few random pics for your enjoyment. If anyone has any pics from last night that they want me to post, email them to me. So yeah, these are totally random and off topic, but I thought they’re funny. Enjoy. And don’t get none on ya.

By the way, that Barry "Balco" Bonds walking to the outfield and seeing that sign. The whole sign said "Babe Ruth Did It On Hot Dogs & Beer." That's pretty damn funny.Hotty Toddy indeed. Go Rebs! Get some of that on ya.

Songs on the Playlist:
Bob Dylan – You’re A Big Girl Now
Journey – Don’t Stop Believing
Garth Brooks – Longneck Bottle
Cake – Short Skirt, Long Jacket
Velvet Revolver – Do It For The Kids
Cream – I’m So Glad
Johnny Cash – San Quentin
Ten Years After – I’m Going Home (live from Woodstock ’69)
Chris Isaac – Somebody’s Crying
ZZ Top – Doubleback
The Band - I Shall Be Released (from the Last Waltz)
Jimmy Buffett - Another Saturday Night

Baggin a Classy Lady - HNT

"The best way to bag a classy lady is give her two tickets to the gun show. And see if she likes the goods." - Ron Burgundy in Anchorman
"They've done studies you know. Sixty percent of the time...it works every time." - Brian Fantana in Anchorman

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Songs on the Playlist:
Pat Green - The Bottle
The Who - Substitute
The Who - A Quick One, While He's Away