Weekend Recap

Well it is late Sunday night and I figured it would be easier to recap this weekend now while I wait on the Sopranos to replay at 11. Why am I waiting? Because we record two shows at 8 besides the Sopranos. So I can't watch. Why did I not go to Sopranos night? DP&AT got married last night and are now referred to as the Porters (unless they tell me to change that nickname). So obviously I shouldn't go to their home. Duh.

Well, when the weekend began I had already been out of the office for an hour and half (I got off work early). I raced home and showered, etc. I got to the rehearsal at the Church at 5:30 like we were supposed to. Well everyone else was late of course. We rehearsed. I didn't pay attention and made as many jokes as possible. Remember the scene in Old School where Vince Vaughan coughed and said "don't do it!" in the wedding? Well I did it at the rehearsal. It's still funny, but I wouldn't do something like that at the wedding. I love those two too much to do anything to ruin their wedding.

After the rehearsal everyone went to the rehearsal dinner in the ball room at the Memphis Country Club. It was a great dinner. I gave a speech. Some told me it was the best because of the story behind the speech. Here's what I did. Back in November or December, I started threatening DP & AP with a speech detailing all the details I knew that they never wanted to be spoken again. I was still threatening them at the rehearsal before the dinner. They had a microphone for the speeches after the dinner. Apparently the groom went around and told everyone to not give me the mike under any circumstances. Three people gave speeches and then the brother of the groom (Hanky Panky) got the mike. He gave a quick toast and said "Hey, I think Philip has a speech prepared!" He walked across the room and handed me the mike. I look over and the groom is white with fear. I explained to all the folks that for the last 6 months or so I had been terrorizing the bride and groom with the threat of the "bad toast". I told everyone that I had written a speech, but it wasn't what the bride and groom were expecting. It was an honest toast. I pulled the speech from my pocket and read it. This is the speech I wrote:

Some people say that the major changes in life are always an end and a beginning. Something that has defined your life ends while something that will now define your life begins. I don't believe that. I know that what has defined your life is blossoming into something new.
You were two wonderful people who lived two separate lives. Tomorrow you grow into one family. And you will take all of us with you on this journey. We are here because each of us love and support you. You are an inspiration to us. Your love renews the love and strength of every couple here. Your love is proof to the rest of us that we will find that perfect person for ourselves.
D and A, I love you both and I am so thankful for the gift of sharing this experience with you. God bless you both.

After all that buildup, do you think they were shocked? Hell yeah. After I read it, I raised my glass to toast them and both of their mouths were open. I think I did my job.

Well, after all the speeches we had a few more drinks. No one could make up their minds where they were going afterwards. I told everyone we needed to go to Newby's because it was a central location. No one came. Bastards. I had two beers and called it a night. But the highlight of the time at Newby's was the house band from Wild Bill's was playing. And it was all Memphis rock, blues, and soul. It blew my mind. I really dug it. Oh yeah, I was playing text message wars with about 4 different folks (text message war = as you reply to one text message, another person sends you one and you have a few conversations going via text message)

Saturday, I screwed around and then got to the Church at 2. The wedding was at 4 and we all had to have pics, etc. The wedding was unbelievable. The reception rocked. The father of the groom had grilled several racks of lamb and they had lamb chops for us.

About halfway through the reception, I realized that we hadn't done anything to the getaway car. And we didn't know who's car it was. I had another groomsman figure out which car it was and I ran to Walgreens for supplies. I got back and we didn't have any rope or beer cans. So we improvized. I ran inside to the groom's cake where he had a duck decoy on the stand. I grabbed that and someone found some surveyor's orange tape in their car. We tied that to the car (the groom hunts fyi). I wrote on all the windows. A few minutes later, they left. They loved the duck. All in all, it was great.

After they left, we had to help do a little cleaning up. Then one of the bartenders came to us and said "which one of yall is Philip?" I asked what I had done, they said "You need to get these kegs unless you want to leave them at the church."

DING DING DING We have a winner!

So I threw the kegs in the back of the truck and took off for home. I sent out text messages to a ton of folks. If you didn't get one, sorry. I am still plugging all my numbers into my phone and I'm not halfway done yet. Or you never gave me your cell number. In that case, fo-get you homes!

So we had these kegs at the Ponderosa and some of the wedding party and a few other folks came over. This is where the pics begin. Here is Gary (one of the groomsmen) checking the tap. A very important job. So what's one of the first things that Mike the Cordova Recluse wants to do? Keg stands. Here Gary and I are holding Mike up. Yeah, it's my house so I changed into something comfortable. And yes, those are the badass seersucker shorts. Jealous much?
Of course Mike hadn't been up there ten seconds before I had to say "No Mike, we won't hold your butt or anything." He started laughing and spitting out the beer. So we had to let him down.
Mike called me out for that and told me that I was next.

I didn't last that long because he made a similar joke and I started laughing. From there, Mike walked inside still laughing. Then he found my bar. I wasn't there to stop him. He grabbed the handle of everclear and turned it up. If you don't know what everclear is, it is PGA. Pure Grain Alcohol. 95% alcohol. Why would he do that? Mike just does that. I didn't know him in college, but I know he used to do it all the time. It's like it doesn't effect him. For about 5 minutes. How do I know that? Because he wanted to do a keg stand with his pants by his ankles. Don't believe me? A picture is worth a thousand words.
Did we do it? Hell no. I'm not holding him up. And no one else was going to either. We told him no. He called us pansies and pulled up his pants. Crisis adverted.

Here is a random pic from inside. Emmy is on the left. Mendi is in the middle. (yea, they are both on myspace) Why is there a blanket? Mendi was cold. Chilled to the bone.

After a while and much more everclear, Mike the Cordova Recluse declared that we were going to Pat O'Brien's down on Beale Street. ON MUSIC FEST WEEKEND. Again, I think Mike is absolutely retarded. Not retarded drunk. Just plain old retarded. And whenever he is done being shady and hiding in Cordova, he comes out and tears up the world like this.

Here is a pic of the Uncle (Justin from ATL) with one of Mendi's friends, Mendi, and Emmy. We are at Pat O's.

Here is a pic of Mendi and the Uncle at the piano bar. I'll give you one guess as to who was more excited about this pic.
After a while, it got really boring. How do I define boring? There was no particular girl I was flirting with and it was late. And I was ready to leave and stop drinking. So I caught a cab home and got in about 3 am. Of course everyone had left and the kegs were still here (surprise surprise). I tried to raid my fridge but of course, I didn't have anything that was ready to eat. Emmy was too drunk to drive to her hotel so I let her crash for a few hours in the spare bedroom. I crawled into my bed and fell asleep about 3:30 am.

I got up at 12:30 and saw she had already left. I started mopping up the kitchen. Mike was spilling a bunch of beer last night. Oh yeah, he decided to get into my wheaties stash and put wheaties in his beer. "It's good man! I can get nutrients while I get drunk. And fiber too!!!" I told you he's retarded. I had a text war with a few folks who couldn't make it. Kendall invited me to go to grab some food with her, her mom, and her friend in town for music fest. We went to Chili's in East Memphis. Kendall and her friend looked like they felt much worse than I did. They were chugging Diet Coke and Tea and eating. I decided that to listen to my own advise: The best way to detox is retox! So I had three frozen margaritas. Ok, stop before you get started. Chili's gives you two 10 oz margaritas when you order (happy hour deal until like 10PM). I can't order just one. I gave the fourth to Kendall's mom.

Kendall and her friend told me this funny-ass story about a girl they know at UVA. How can I describe her before I tell you the story? How about "tease"? I think that'll do it. Apparently this tease (who is also a Stage 5 Clinger) went to this guy's house after a party. They were making out and she stopped him to say "There is a line right her (she drew a line across her body just below the breasts). If you get to touch anything above this line, consider yourself lucky." If that wasn't funny enough, a few days later she was crying to Kendall and a few other girls. She couldn't understand why he hadn't called her at all. When she was told by one of the girls that all she did was lead him on and that he wouldn't feel any decent connection with her, the tease said "but he has a piece of me" and tapped her chest over her heart. They all started laughing. Someone told her "you probably gave him the worst case of blueballs ever!" I just about fell out of the booth laughing at that. I'm sorry, but that girl is just retarded.

After that I ran to Target (pronounced "Tar-je"). I bought some shorts, a few smartass tshirts, some boxers, and the movie Baseketball (it was on sale for $5.50). I came home and have done a little laundry.

OOOHHHH!!!! I almost forgot. I worked on some of the pics I have taken over the last month. So I will have the April/May Ghetto Fashion parade out this week sometime.

Have a great one.

Songs on the Playlist (home computer, random mix):

The Who - Eminence Front
INXS - Don't Change
The Cars - Dangerous Type
Pat Benatar - We Belong
Peter Gabriel - I Grieve
The Cars - Let The Good Times Roll
The Cars - It's All I Can Do
The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail
The Cars - My Best Friends Girl
INXS - What You Need
The Clash - Rock the Casbah
The Clash - Straight To Hell
The Clash - Armagideon Time
The B-52's - Love Shack
Pete Townsend - Let My Love Open The Door
INXS - Suicide Blonde


Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Now those pictures look like a good time! :)

MG said...

lmao @ wheaties in the beer.... genius

Gary said...

Good time was had by all who attended. Philip, we partied at your place till 3 when we were kicked out. I did my best to finish the kegs, but I am but one man.

Philip said...

Hey Gary,
Who all stayed at the house? I know the roommate was there, but I can't remember who else.

MG said...

oh yeah, I forgot, I was going to say, great toast!
(I've got a short memory, and long posts sometimes do that to me, but hey, I did remember now...)

Philip said...


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