The Long Delayed BBQ Fest Recap

You don't have to say anything. Mendi has already chastised me via email for not putting this up. So here is my recap with photos (I know at least two people who have been dreading this...more on that later)

I missed Thursday night of BBQ Fest because by the time I took a shower and got dressed after running and swimming at the gym it was after 8:30. That and I "tweaked" my right shoulder swimming. It's fine now. It was fine Friday morning. I did an underwater flip and felt a sharp twing in the joint/muscle area. But we're all good now.

So I missed Thursday, but made it to Friday night. Let's just say it was a great time. Some people wonder why I love BBQ fest more than Music Fest. Here are two good reasons:
Girls actually dress nicely. And they are (for the most part) a lot classier than the least common denominators you find at Music Fest. They just look hotter at BBQ Fest than Music Fest.

Oh yeah people on teams get GREAT tshirts. Like this guy:

In case you can't read his shirt, it says "Eat Me...Bad Ass Friends Cook Bad Ass BBQ." I think it's an instant classic.

One aspect of Memphis in May that many folks don't know about is what I like to call the Bible Beaters. These are radical religious nuts who sit outside the entrance to Memphis in May events (sometimes they are on Beale St too) and proclaim how everyone who attends these events is going to Hell. They never really make any rational arguments. It's more like they are stereotyping us all as drunks, sinners, fornicators and overall heathens because we like music, alcohol, BBQ, and fun with both friends and strangers. Wait, maybe they're right.

Kidding. This is a picture I took of a Catholic arguing with the Bible Beater.

I overheard the Catholic say that he went to confession that day. The BB explained (over the loud speaker his son was holding) that going to confession was not enough to wash away his sins and he would perish in eternal damnation. I'm not Catholic, but I know enough that in their denomination of Christianity if you confess your sins to God through the priest, you are forgiven. This is a classic example of two different viewpoints of the same basic religious beliefs butting heads. Of course if we were Muslims in the Middle East we'd start a war between the groups over this argument.

Wait. What the hell am I doing? This is supposed to be a recap of my drunken escapades at BBQ Fest. Sorry. On with the shenanigans!

When the brother and I finally got into BBQ fest I pulled out my handy dandy list of teams to visit. And then that went to shit. We were walking to one of the furthest teams to start at the far end and work our way back to the gate when I looked to my right and saw Duchess Colleen in her tent. We stopped in as she was promising Duchess AP that she would come see her. We grabbed a beer and headed that way.

Along the path I ran into many folks I hadn't seen in a while. One woman was someone I hadn't seen in about a year or so. When we saw each other we hugged and said our hellos. I didn't say anything too memorable. She on the otherhand did. Since Duchess Colleen and the brother heard it, I have witnesses. She says "damn! You are looking so good in that shirt. Like a lolipop. I want to lick you all over...and that says a lot coming from a lesbian."

Now you see why I won't say who she is. We laughed and talked for a sec before our trek continued. We made it to the Sicilian Smokers tent. I'm not going to list everyone I know on that team. But thanks to them for showing us a great time. I'll get to those stories and pics later.

After a bit the brother and I headed to another team. When we got there, he looked into the tent next door and said "Looks like someone's trying to copy Coyote Ugly, but actually make it Ugly." Here's the pic (sorry for the quality):

I'd say they had cougars on the bar, but they were probably drunken wives. That's one thing about BBQ Fest most of the women you see who look like cougars are actually just drunken wives who've thrown all inhibitions to the wind.

We made it to a coworker's tent in the "shoulder" section. They were playing the "flip cup" drinking game. It was fun, but the badass thing was they set up an A/C unit in case it got hot during the day. They had a smaller tent (first year team) so it was genius. Here's a pic:

We headed back to the ribs section to keep tent hopping when we saw this river boat on the Mississippi River. I thought it was a great shot and it turned out perfect despite my best efforts:

Here's a pic of me with Duchess Colleen. Now you can see my shirt that almost turns lesbians straight:

One of the new things I saw at BBQ fest was a drunk's porta-potty. They actually have a spot to put your beer while you do your business. How cool is that?

I did get a chance to see something weird/interesting. I'm not really sure what to call him though. Fat Elvis is too easy. I kinda want to say he's a cross between Elvis and Don Vito from those Bam Margera shows on MTV. Either way it was a classic moment I couldn't pass up.

Wait! Is he doing the shocker with his right hand? Awesome.

Ok. I forget exactly when this next bit happened in relation to the Don Vito Elvis, but I think it was right before. I was in the tent and didn't see the brother anywhere nearby. I found him outside talking to two girls. I'm not going to identify them...although I should. I'll just say they are two friends of someone I know. (I think that's anonymous enough). Since this happened I have been informed that they were both "very, very, very drunk" and please "be kind, because I know deep down you are a nice guy who will do the right thing..." Whatever. I think the right thing is to tell this story:

So I walk up and the brother says "Hey, they have two questions to ask you." After they debated for a few minutes to ask, I basically told them to ask or we were walking away (I hate drama queens). In a hushed voice girl one said "ok, first question: do you know anyone we can buy some pot from at BBQ Fest?"

I don't know what my exact answer was but I remember it was something demeaning along the lines of grow up you idiots; no one sells pot at BBQ Fest; most people stop doing that in college or when they get a job.

Obviously they were a little hesitant to ask the second question. By this point I really didn't care what the second question was, I was ready to just be anywhere else. Then girl one asked the second question: "(Girl Two) wants to know if there is anyone here she can make out with?"

I immediatly came up with some excuse to keep this chick from accosting either my brother or myself so I said "You know, I hear he's a bad kisser and I think I'm coming down with something. But hold on a sec." I turned to the crowd standing around the outside of the tent and the crowd walking by and shouted:

"Excuse me folks, but we have a very desperate woman here who wants a little shmacky-shmacky face with any guy that walks by. Any takers?"

Everyone looked and went back to what they were doing. I said "sorry" and we walked away laughing.

They charged after us with the whole I can't believe you just did that and in front of all these people we know. We are so embarassed...yada yada yada. It went on for a few minutes until I said "if you're embarassed now, wait until I put it on the blog." Then girl two kicked me right in the shins. Maybe I deserved it, but I don't care. It's funny and everyone I've told the story to this week laughed their asses off. I hope you enjoyed that. Remember when I mentioned the two people who were dreading this post? That was the story. Now back to the rest of the recap.

After the brother and I escaped the Swarming Stoner Twins (I like that nickname!) we headed back to the Sicilian Smokers tent which is of course home of the infamous Uncle Scottie Too Hottie, Dr J, DP & AP, AL & JD, and whomever else I am forgetting. What did we find when we got back there?

Nuff said.

DP introduced me to a few of his friends and said "this guy does the shocker in every photo he's in." That's a great way to be introduced to someone. But I can't make a liar out of my buddy so I did the shocker in my pics throughout the rest of the night. Of course DP had to do one too.

Here's a pic of Duchess Colleen, Duchess AP, me, and DP.

Here's a pic with Dr J.

Here's a pic with the brother and some dude holding a cup over DP's head. I think he was the buddy DP introduced me to earlier.

There are more pics out there, but AP never emailed them to me so I don't know what else was going on. But I did get another shot of our ice luge girl. You can make your own jokes about the tat.

In case you don't believe that it got rowdy at their tent. This is a pic on the ground behind the food serving area.

Looks like he's quick out of the gate, but not much in the long run.

After the cops kicked us out of the park at midnight, the brother drove us and Duchess Colleen to Ernestine & Hazels. It was actually really cool because I ran into these folks from high school who were there for a wedding. I would have ended the story about now because I don't recall anything interesting happening at E&H except these two guys who realized they were gay in the middle of the bar.

I know it doesn't look like much but none of the people we were standing with could believe it. It was like these guys were having some sort of tender moment or some crap. I blurred out the faces because I don't know them and it wouldn't be fair to show them. But if you could have seen them looking at each other, it was kinda creepy and weird. I hate to say it but we sat back and laughed. It probably wouldn't have been that funny if they hadn't realized people were watching them and quickly turned back to their girls.

That's all I've got. I'm sure this is really long but that's why I postponed typing it so long. Anyway I hope you had fun.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.