So yeah!

Ok, I've been at Mudbug Madness 6 Muddy Gone Wild for the last 4+ hours. I was socializing, eating crawfish, eating hush puppies, and DRINKING. I saw a ton of folks (too many to list) and had a great time. I'll try to sneak back later tonight. I don't have any pics for you...yet. I'll put them up with pics from later tonight (if they all turn out OK).

So what am I doing now? I'm typing. (wow, I must be tipsy to use a crappy joke like that). Actually I'm about to hop in the shower and get dressed for the engagement party for DP & AT. More on that on a later post.

So what happened today? I found out an ex is still chasing after a good friend of mine who won't have anything to do with her (I wasn't prying for that info). Gossip flowed. I saw a few good friends with all their youngins'. Oh yeah, I committed a weekend this summer to take the Ptolemy royalty to the lake with me. Wow, maybe I should stop drinking now...nah!!!!!!! Yea, it won't be a big deal. Let's do the numbers:
King + wife (1 bed)
Queen + husband (1 bed)
3 ducchi + husbands (3 beds)
2 single ducchi (2 beds)
Me (1 bed or couch or floor or whatever)

Hmm..this is going to be a logistical nightmare and I'm going to stop typing and go take that shower and eat something so I can sober up before I go to this cocktail party. I don't want to be Tucker Max Drunk. That's for damn sure.

Oh yea! I have to say this before I'm gone. Thanks to the crew who threw the crawfish boil. I had a great time and hung out with a lot of good friends. But please, PLEASE! Let's make some spicy crawfish next year. I'm tired of these bland ones. I want to tear up (that's tear as in crying, I don't want to tear anything...you get the idea).

Ok kids, I'm out-sky. Go get some!

Songs on the playlist:
Faith No More - Epic
John Mayer - Why Georgia (live) (this is a great version, this is the kind of version that makes me understand why he had a recording contract in the first place. His studio shit is bad, but his live stuff it something to be awed at)
Mott the Hoople - All The Young Dudes
The Charlie Daniels Band - Long Haired Country Boy



Here are a few upcoming items from now through the end of April. I won't be at all of these, but I will attend many.

Today, Friday March 31 Appetite for Destruction @ Newby’s
Great GNR cover band

Saturday April 1 (daytime) Mudbug Madness
If you don’t know the details then you weren’t invited. Sorry but since I’m not the host, I’m not going to be the one to bring “that guy” or “that girl”

Saturday April 1 (night) Wedding party for DP & AT
This I will be attending

Saturday April 1 (night) Lucero @ the Young Ave Deli
If you haven’t ever seen them, you’d better before they blowup and you have buy $50 tickets for FedEx Forum or somewhere else big. I will try to make it.

Sunday April 2 (all day) hangover recovery

Thursday April 6 Col. Bruce Hampton & the Codetalkers @ the HiTone

Friday April 7 Hayseed Dixie @ Newby’s

Saturday April 8 DP’s bachelor party

Sunday April 9 Palm Sunday

Monday April 10 Dinosaur Jr @ the Young Ave Deli

Thursday April 13 Shooter Jennings @ the Young Ave Deli

Friday April 14 Good Friday

Sunday April 16 Easter Sunday

Thursday April 20 the Grand Krewe of Ptolemy April Happy Hour at Café Ole 6PM until whenever

Friday April 21 INXS @ the Orpheum

Saturday April 22 JRWR’s crawfish boil

Monday April 24 Bob Dylan & Merle Haggard @ the Orpheum
Tuesday April 25 Bob Dylan & Merle Haggard @ the Orpheum

Saturday April 29 Double Decker Music Festival in Oxford, MS

Sunday April 30 The Grand Krewe of Ptolemy Poker Run Fundraiser benefiting FirstWorks Inc. (more details to come later)

Hooray It's Friday!!!

Since it's Friday, I'm in a good mood. Why? Because it's Friday baby! I had a great evening last night with a great dinner.

But I had to get up early this morning and take the truck through inspection. I pull up at 6:55 AM and this is what I see.

I groan and then look to my left to see the car below. You'll love this. This guy has ZEBRA SEATS!!! To make it even funnier, the reason his trunk is open is becauce he's trying to fix the right tail light. It comes on when he touches the brake but not when the headlights. (for those of you who don't have to deal with City of Memphis inspections, you lucky bastards, let me lay it out for you: we have to have every light working, windshield wipers working, and an emissions test. Real easy and most of it you can check on your own.) Needless to say, homeboy here can afford some fancy-ass zebra-striped seat covers, but an extra light bulb? Hell naw! Now you may ask why this pic is larger. That's because it's too priceless not to give you the whole experience.
I watched that guy screw around for a few minutes before I realized that there were maybe three or four cars in the far right lane (my view had been blocked by a Suburban). I whipped over there as soon as I could. I was out of there in less than thirty minutes and decided to take the scenic route to South Memphis. I took Beale and eventually got on Third Street. Here is what Beale looks like at 7:30. Not as many alcoholics as I thought there'd be.Yea things got better as I took Third St down South into tha 'hood. I am really glad I brought the digital camera with me, because I only had a pic of this place on regular film. A few friends had seen it, but now I can broadcast it to the world. So...

Attention men! Despite what your buddies always told you, this place does in fact exist. FYI the title of this establishment is "THA GSPOT". I just wanted to make that clear.

Have a great day!

Songs on the Playlist:

Nazareth - Hair of the Dog

Tony Bennett - Because of You

Stevie Ray Vaughan - Texas Flood

Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London


When It Rains, It Pours

Well crap! Here’s what was planned and what has happened since things were planned:

I spoke to the ex-roommie on Sunday and Tuesday. He told me he was going to help me after his MBA class Wednesday night (after 9 or so) clean the old apt. So I blow off the Ptolemy Kickoff Party so I can move and clean (The party? From 6-8, it was $10 all you can drink beer & happy hour prices on everything else. I heard we packed them in). Oh yea. I was also going to have him help me load the huge ass carpet into the back of my truck so I could bring it to the office this morning.

So I go to the old apt right after work and load up a bunch of stuff to take to Mom & Dad’s house in Gtown. Unload it and head back west bound. I stop at the new place to grab dinner and then get back to moving. At 8:45 I get a call from the ex-roomie:
Him “Hey Buddy, I don’t think I’m going to make it.”
Me “WFT!!!!!!!”
Him “Yea…something came up. I can’t make it tonight.”
Me “But you said you were going to be here and help me right after class. I was counting on you.”
Him “Yea sorry.”
Me “Well can’t do anything Thursday night and Friday is the end of the month.”
Him “I’m working both nights.”
Me “So when do you plan on helping clean?”
Him “Well I can do some during the day.”
Me “Well I’m not throwing your crap away. You can do that. Now how am I supposed to get this carpet out of here?”

So this went on and on until we resolved that he would meet me at the old apartment on my lunch break. We’re going to carry the carpet down the stairs and throw it in the bed of my truck. There’s one more piece of furniture I’m going to grab too and then come back.

Let’s see 15 minute drive there and then back. That’s 30 minutes. Say 10-15 minutes to move stuff and unload at the office. Hmm…looks like I’m not going to eat lunch today. Great, I’ll eat like a pig tonight. Can you find a better way to impress a date?

So back to the phone call, we resolve the issue and then he tells me about the perps he’s been arresting lately. Funny stories. I wish I could post them, but after I heard about the cops who posted that stuff on myspace and got in trouble for it, I’ll leave that alone.

Have a good one.

p.s. I know I wrote this during the morning, but as it won’t be done before work starts, I’ll post it at lunch before I leave.

Songs on the Playlist (I love random playlists!):
Bob Dylan – Absolutely Sweet Marie
Alice Cooper – Halo of Flies
CCR – Susie Q
Fatboy Slim – Weapon of Choice
George Strait – Heartland
Jack Johnson – Inaudible Melodies
NMAS – 51 Phantom

Well we are back on the downslope again

I can't believe this! One day our hometown boys are winning Oscars. The next they are slumming it with the skank of the year. Great. They'd better get a little something something besides credit on the "album".

Way to keep us proud and not sell out Three 6!!!

Song on the Playlist:
Lynyrd Skynyrd - That Smell


Don't Go Plastic

Attention Women of the World: Despite what you may think or be led to think, plastic surgery does not make you look better.

Need proof? Here you go! Words cannot describe that horrific site.
More proof? Here you go! She was hot in American Pie now she's just a 20-something skank with a 50 year old's whiskey and cigarrette breath.
Still more proof? Here you go! Now to be completely honest, I don't know if she's had anything done, but still. Ewww!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

The moral of the story, be comfortable in your own skin and you will be ten times sexier than you think. Confidence is sexy. Plastic and silicone are not (and they will still be in your coffin 500 years from now and that's not really sexy). Be happy with who you are otherwise we men will quit dealing with you (except for the desparate guys).

And don't do Botox either!!! Wrinkles aren't bad. There's nothing worse than a 40 year old woman trying to be 20 in both her appearance and actions. Be a sexy 40 year old, not a skanky 40 year old who thinks she's 20.

Songs on the Playlist:
BoDeans - She's a Runaway
Widespread Panic - This Part Of Town
ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man
O.A.R. - Conquering Fools


Ghetto Fashion for March in Memphis

Hey Kids! Are you looking for the hippest trends that the Memphians are wearing this spring? Well look no further for we bring you


Hells Yea! Here we have our first group of models at Park & Airways. JJ is wearing his AllStar hooded sweatshirt, always a must when keeping it real. Hey yall, it is hard out there for a pimp, I hear. LaTeesha is wearing a plain navy sweatshirt with her funky jeans and whu-whu red socks! That's right! She don't need no man telling her how hot she gonn' be. Ataska has a jogging suit that suits her. She matches it with a nice red...thing...on her head. But with that much bling, who gives a f***! She brings the whole ensemble with a nice belly shot. HEY!!!

Here we have our models walking through the intersection...I mean down the runway. Notice how JJ has a bandana and leather whip to really establish his authority. That just brings the whole pack together. Way to go gang!
Here we have our final two March models: TJ and Earl Jr chillin at McClean & Union. Earl Jr is showing off the great early spring ensemble of a hooded sweatshirt worn underneath a lightweight nylon jacket. His white hat with the maroon bill really brings together the whole outfit as if it were to say "Man, I am just here because I want to be here!" Way to go Earl Jr.

TJ has decided to treat us to a flashback of the 80s. He's pulled off the LL Cool J look that was so popular 20-something years ago. But he comes up a bit short on the bling bling. Maybe he can borrow some from Ataska over on Park Ave.

We will see you next month with another addition of GHETTO FASHION IN MEMPHIS! Keep it real, yall!

Sharon Stone, Ewww

Just in case we were wondering what a 48 year old dried-up skank thinks about sex, Sharon Stone is more than happy to oblige in giving her opinion on…well anything I guess. But now she is going to give you her opinion on oral sex versus the other alternatives for teenagers. She told some girl about it. WTF? She is an AIDS advocate and she is telling kids to have oral? I’m not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night so I know that you can still get STDs via oral according to medical studies. Someone needs to slap the hell out of her and just walk away. Tell them to use a condom please!!!

Hey, did you hear they’re coming out with Basic Instinct 2: the Menopause Years? Yea, she still doesn’t wear underwear but now it’s just gross. But I’m sure there will be a lot of 60 year old men taking Viagra pills before they go see that film. Why? Because a 48 year old woman looks hot as hell to a 60+ year old man.


Quotes of Wisdom

Which quote applies to you? I like the last one best.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" - Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns


Bug around Memphis

Memphis has officially been bitten by "the bug". What bug? The "I'm tired of winter" bug. Let me explain:
A few weeks ago (specifically the beginning of March) we had a very warm front come through. This was followed by a ridiculous cold spell that has lasted until...yesterday. I would say today, but as I have been nursing a hangover all day, I haven't set foot outside. This cold weather has gone through and made every one of us miserable. Now we are ready for spring and as we've had the few warm day earlier this month we are now really ready for spring. How do I know this? The proof is in the last three days.

Thursday, I go to Cowboy Mouth with several other people. Great show and everyone has a blast (you can read all about it in the previous post from Friday).

Friday, I decided to behave myself because I had to get up at 8 Saturday morning and move more furniture and boxes (yea, I'm a packrat). So I watch Walk The Line (which is awesome!!) and go to bed around 11:30 or 12. I get a text message from a friend wondering where I am. She never sends me text messages. I call to see if everything is ok. She's up at the Blue Monkey and ran into Miss Nat, the Friggin D, and several other people I know. I told her I was in bed because I had to move junk in the morning and had a full day ahead of me. Then I get a call from Mendi. She is with CR and they are both tore up. They want to know how the Monkey is. I tell them I'm not going out and why. Mendi calls me a dork and I proceed to explain to her drunk ass that I was at the Cowboy Mouth show Thursday and she wasn't. She acts drunk, laughs and then we get off the phone. Then I get two more calls asking if I'm up there or if I'm on my way. It was at this point that I realized I might miss something fun. But I had been determined to move in the morning and I wasn't going to do that hungover. So I went to sleep. Did I miss anything? I don't think so. I talked to Mendi Saturday afternoon and she didn't remember talking to me. It was at that point I was glad I stuck to my guns.

Saturday, I went to the Weiner/Sykes wedding at Second Pres. The minister messed up and refered to the bride as husband and the entire place erupted in laughter. That's the highlight of the wedding. Onto the reception. I walk into the reception at the Memphis Country Club and they have servers on both sides of the entryway. On the left we have Country Club Specials and on the right we have white wine. Yea, it was awesome. One room had a big screen TV setup with the game on. Which game? YOUR Memphis State Tigers. That room was packed beyond belief...until they lost. They filled the entire country club with people. I haven't seen it like that since the Galbreath wedding two years ago. I'll spare you all the gossipy details and what not. Here's a few highlights:
The entire crowd (my age) was married, engaged, or seriously seeing someone. It got to the point where I was struggling to find a single woman (i.e. a woman not on a date or whatever). Where's the proof? There were only two, YEA TWO woman trying to catch the bouquet! Speaking of catching things: I caught another garter! I'll post the pic later. But it came down to a 36 year old single guy and a 26 year old single guy. And which one am I? The 26 year old. The other guy didn't even budge. So now I've caught two garter belts. One last summer and one this year already. I'm going for number three this May at DP/AT's wedding. I may fight someone for it. Ha.
Oh you're asking if I want to get married? I do eventually, but I think this superstition thing about being the next to get married is a joke. I'm not really worried about it and it's something fun to do.

Ok, how does all this relate to the bug I talked about at the beginning? Think about it. It was a crazy three days and everyone was out. What does that mean? Everyone is finally tired of this cold weather. We want the warm gentle breezes of a Memphis spring on our faces. We want to sit at patios at bars and enjoy our beers in good weather. Overall we are frozen and are ready to thaw out. We have citywide cabin fever and are ready to get out.

So get ready folks, we are about to go nuts!!!

Have a great evening.
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