I'll be downtown at Lolo's Table (never been there) and then there's no telling where I'm headed after that.
On the way back, the welfare employees were still hard at work making sure the front yard didn’t float away. I’m so proud of the hard work they are putting into our society. If it weren’t for people like them, we would all have to start drinking Colt 45 malt liquor.
After work was over, I headed to Midtown to help the Porters move the last few items from her old house to his. I was told that I would have to get 1 couch, 1 dresser, 1 bed frame, 1 TV, and 1 or 2 boxes. Of course as I was told this information, I was looking at this sky at 5PM: No it didn’t rain, but look at that sky. Tell me if you think that’s a bad omen.
Take a look at these pics and tell me if you think that we only had to get 1 couch, 1 dresser, 1 bed frame, 1 TV, and 1 or 2 boxes.
Yeah, it was a ton of stuff. This second pic is an example of what a great driver he is. Now, in his defense he was driving down Poplar near the main library (very narrow lanes). But, I’ve seen crackheads do a better job.
From there I headed out to the parents’ house in G’town. My sister had to move out of the dorm yesterday. Mom took my truck to Oxford to load all the big stuff. My sister was supposed to get home and have everything but the heavy crap out of my truck. When I got to there, she still wasn’t in Memphis yet. So I threw all her crap into the garage and took off. I went home to get ready to go out.
I headed to the Blue Monkey on Madison (the only standing one). There I met up with Lil’ Lloyd, Duchess Les, Duchess Jana, Queen Laura and her consort, Duchess Jana’s roommate Ashley, and two folks who work with D. Les. I had a few Coronas before the band started. THEY SUCKED. The drummer was that big guy with the curly white hair that was in the old Thursday night band, but the rest of the band was new. The singer chick reminded me of Winona Judd on a bender. The keyboarder looked like a washed up former Cars or Talking Heads member. The guitarist, well he wasn’t that impressive. They were just playing mellow stuff. I think they were just a bunch of washed up former hippies trying to get one last flashback before their bastard kids throw them into a third rate nursing home.
Was that a little harsh? Sorry, but they killed our table. I mean we were starting to really get to know the folks we didn’t and have a good time, but they were too loud and too boring. I think “buzzkill” was the word I used last night. It was so bad I had to leave. Nothing really exciting happened so I didn't get any pics from the bar. Sorry, but none of you want to see people just sitting around the table.
Oh yeah, I saw my friend Alisha there. She was with a bday party for the "most annoying man on the earth". Oh yeah, he is also the king of c-b's (he can c-b himself!). Quick story to explain his title: last summer I gave this guy a ride from my party to his car down the street (just over a mile away). As we walked out these two dorks were talking ahead of us. They said "what a bunch of tools. How stupid was that? A Hawaii 5-0 theme!" I said "Yeah, it would have been a lot cooler if we had just gone and gotten our faces all pierced up like you, huh? Get the F outta my party now!" The most annoying man just walked along and laughed. The next week I heard he was going around telling everyone that I was too drunk to drive but I did anyway and he had to restrain me from fighting. Both things were wrong. Apparently he takes stories and exaggeraes the hell out of them like that. I'll be the first to admit that I have driven when I shouldn't have in college. Now though, I'll take a cab if I shouldn't drive. So whatever.
Anyway, off that crap. I had fun last night except for the band. Thanks to Duchess Les for the invite.
What am I doing this weekend? Well I would go see Super T at the UClub tonight if I didn't have to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and drive my grandmother to my brother's graduation. Tomorrow night I am going out for Kellie Ann's going away party. Sunday is Mother's Day. I'm sure I'll come up with more things to do, but for now, I am just going to work and not worry about it.
Songs on the Playlist:
Black Sabbath – Paranoid
Brooks & Dunn – Hard Workin’ Man
O.A.R. – Delicate Few
The Grateful Dead – St. Stephen
The Doors – Love Her Madly
Eric Clapton – Hound Dog
Widespread Panic – Climb To Safety
Bush – Monkey
The Beatles - All You Need Is Love
George Strait - The Chair
The Grateful Dead - Little Red Rooster
In honor of this weeks HNT, I give you two quotes from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy:
"The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods."
"Ohh, it's a deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand."
Songs on the playlist:
Widespread Panic - Coconuts
Chris Isaak - They Did A Bad Bad Thing
Rule 1: Get on a team
This is easier than you think. Ask around among all your friends if they have a team. If none of them have teams, get new friends. Or find out if any friends of friends have teams. Express interest in joining their team.
It's too late to join a team now. You should have done that back in January or February. If you are interested in joining a team, then I recommend that while at BBQ Fest ask a team member of whichever team you like how you can join or be brought up for membership, etc.
What team am I on? I'm not. I have friends spread out through about 10 teams. Several of them are trying to get me to join their teams for next year. I will visit these teams (and others) and see what I like. Cold beer, hot girls, and no dorks are a plus in my rankings.
Rule 2: Don't join a team
If you aren't going to join a team or can't, that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Send an email to everyone you know but don't carbon copy them. Say something like:
"Hey, I'll be at BBQ Fest this year and I want to be sure to see all my friends. If you are on a team, please let me know because I want to say hi. Blah Blah Blah."
Don't carbon copy (cc) everyone. Just Blind Carbon Copy (bcc) or send individual emails. The key information that you want to get is
a. Team name
b. All team members you know
c. Booth location
Each bit of information is critical. You want (a) because that's the name of the team (if you don't understand that concept pull the nail out of your temple so you can start thinking again). You want to know (b) because if buddy 1 leaves and someone asks you who you know, you can point to buddy 2. Also the more people you know on a team, the more fun you'll have. And the more likely someone will know the hot girl by the keg and can introduce you (Duh!). You want to know (c) because you can't go to something if you don't know where it is.
Rule 3: Get enough of cash
You will need to buy a ticket in and you will need cab money (see rule 4)
Rule 4: DO NOT DRIVE!!!
You are going to be downtown at BBQ fest and you can't walk home (for distance and inebriation reasons). Get a cab. Or a hot girl to drive you home. What's that? You can't get a hot girl to drive you home! Well then get a cab you wimp.
I recommend a cab down there and back. Why? You take a cab down there. Say it's $20 one way (I believe that's what it is from High Point Terrace to Beale). The cab pulls up to Beale & Front to let you out. Why is this important? Because if you (or one of your friends) drove there, you will have to park in a parking garage or at someone's house. If you go to a parking garage, then you'll have to pay at least $15 dollars to park. And you'll probably have to walk a half mile just to get to Beale & Front where the cab would have let you out. Then someone will have to drive home after all that BBQ and beer. Let's do the math here:
Taking a cab: $40 round trip
Driving: $15 parking and several thousands of dollars in DUI fees and court costs
Rule 5: Pace yourself
No one wants to deal with your drunk ass at 6:30PM, so pace yourself. Eat a big meal before you go down there. No, they don't always have free food for you. So you want to deal with it properly. I also recommend either getting a B12 shot or start taking Super B Complex vitamins (I take them anyway. They help reduce stress supposedly and it's just like a B12 shot). This is critical if you are on a team and will be there almost 24/7.
Rule 6: Bring a Camera
Need an excuse to talk to a pretty girl? Have her take your picture with you and your buds. Or better yet take her picture. Tell her you need proof that there actually was a hot girl at BBQ Fest who wasn't slutting around from tent to tent. Kidding that line would never work, but you get the idea. Or just be honest. Chicks dig honesty right? Not.
Ladies, do you see some hot guy you want to talk to but he's too stupid to come say hi? Have your friends take a random pic with him. Sure it's forward, but you'll be the one woman that'll stand out to him for the rest of the night. At the least, you'll have a pic to make your friends who were too cool to come jealous.
Plus how cool would it be to have a pic with you and 25 of your newest friends screaming and cootie brown drunk.
Rule 7: Be prepared for the mess
Wear comfortable clothes that you don't mind getting muddy. Simple enough right? Look good, but for God's sake, be ready to get covered in beer, mud, and sweat. Hmm...beer mud and sweat...that sounds like a redneck wedding right?
Rule 8: Be prepared to stretch your bladder
There are no bathrooms beside porta-potties. Be cool and don't mess them up. Best bet is always to be at a friend's tent when nature calls. Each team has one porta-pottie (some bigger ones have two).
Rule 9: Watch the language please
Late at night when everyone is tore up from the floor up, just about anything goes. But remember that Wednesday night is for the families (and is not open to the general public) and some people will bring their kids in the early evening. So while the kids are around, watch the cussing, you dick.
Rule 10: Ladies, watch the four letter words
Ok, this one is for the women. Ladies, at BBQ fest, there are no four letter words. Four letter words include but are not limited to the following:
Ok, I'm kidding. And I totally stole that joke. But ladies, if you are going to BBQ Fest, don't put up the "bitch shield" please. We are cool and are all having fun. This is BBQ Fest. We don't have any room for your ego inside these 'small' tents.
Rule 11: Wear sunscreen
People bump into each other. If you are there during the day, you need to put on sunscreen. Otherwise you're going to be in a lot of pain all day and night.
Rule 12: If you are sketchy and drunk, don't dance on the bar. For the love of humanity, please don't dance on the bar.
Last year, I was with a group and one of the guys had a friend with a team nearby. We went in and had a few beers and jello shots. They had a bar built in a U shape. On each of the three sides, there was a stripper pole built into the top of the bar. There were these hot drunk girls dancing. One of the girls obviously brought the ugly friend. Well the ugly friend had gotten a hold of a few too many jello shots, obviously. The ugly friend wanted attention, so she had her friend and several people lift her drunk ass up on the bar. Let's take a brief pause to memorize this formula:
Drunk girl craving attention + too many Jello shots + dancing on bar + beer and liquor spilt all over top of bar = funny ass fall
That's right, she fell and busted her ass. I heard through the gossip telegraph in the crowd that she ripped one of the following items: her skirt, her shirt, and/or her panties. That makes for a semi-funny story. An embarassing story for her, but a semi-funny one for us.
Rule 13: finally, HAVE FUN!!!
This should go without saying, but you need to have some fun. You've worked hard and have had a lot to deal with in your life. So go have some fun. If you see me, say hi, but at least remind me how we know each other. If you're just a reader whom I've never met, let me know.
Songs on the Playlist:
Pearl Jam - Evenflow
Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues
Cory Morrow - Nashville Sucks
Michael Buble - How Sweet It Is
Michael Buble - Save the Last Dance For Me
Better Than Ezra - Good
Better Than Ezra - Extra Ordinary
Well, when the weekend began I had already been out of the office for an hour and half (I got off work early). I raced home and showered, etc. I got to the rehearsal at the Church at 5:30 like we were supposed to. Well everyone else was late of course. We rehearsed. I didn't pay attention and made as many jokes as possible. Remember the scene in Old School where Vince Vaughan coughed and said "don't do it!" in the wedding? Well I did it at the rehearsal. It's still funny, but I wouldn't do something like that at the wedding. I love those two too much to do anything to ruin their wedding.
After the rehearsal everyone went to the rehearsal dinner in the ball room at the Memphis Country Club. It was a great dinner. I gave a speech. Some told me it was the best because of the story behind the speech. Here's what I did. Back in November or December, I started threatening DP & AP with a speech detailing all the details I knew that they never wanted to be spoken again. I was still threatening them at the rehearsal before the dinner. They had a microphone for the speeches after the dinner. Apparently the groom went around and told everyone to not give me the mike under any circumstances. Three people gave speeches and then the brother of the groom (Hanky Panky) got the mike. He gave a quick toast and said "Hey, I think Philip has a speech prepared!" He walked across the room and handed me the mike. I look over and the groom is white with fear. I explained to all the folks that for the last 6 months or so I had been terrorizing the bride and groom with the threat of the "bad toast". I told everyone that I had written a speech, but it wasn't what the bride and groom were expecting. It was an honest toast. I pulled the speech from my pocket and read it. This is the speech I wrote:
Some people say that the major changes in life are always an end and a beginning. Something that has defined your life ends while something that will now define your life begins. I don't believe that. I know that what has defined your life is blossoming into something new.
You were two wonderful people who lived two separate lives. Tomorrow you grow into one family. And you will take all of us with you on this journey. We are here because each of us love and support you. You are an inspiration to us. Your love renews the love and strength of every couple here. Your love is proof to the rest of us that we will find that perfect person for ourselves.
D and A, I love you both and I am so thankful for the gift of sharing this experience with you. God bless you both.
After all that buildup, do you think they were shocked? Hell yeah. After I read it, I raised my glass to toast them and both of their mouths were open. I think I did my job.
Well, after all the speeches we had a few more drinks. No one could make up their minds where they were going afterwards. I told everyone we needed to go to Newby's because it was a central location. No one came. Bastards. I had two beers and called it a night. But the highlight of the time at Newby's was the house band from Wild Bill's was playing. And it was all Memphis rock, blues, and soul. It blew my mind. I really dug it. Oh yeah, I was playing text message wars with about 4 different folks (text message war = as you reply to one text message, another person sends you one and you have a few conversations going via text message)
Saturday, I screwed around and then got to the Church at 2. The wedding was at 4 and we all had to have pics, etc. The wedding was unbelievable. The reception rocked. The father of the groom had grilled several racks of lamb and they had lamb chops for us.
About halfway through the reception, I realized that we hadn't done anything to the getaway car. And we didn't know who's car it was. I had another groomsman figure out which car it was and I ran to Walgreens for supplies. I got back and we didn't have any rope or beer cans. So we improvized. I ran inside to the groom's cake where he had a duck decoy on the stand. I grabbed that and someone found some surveyor's orange tape in their car. We tied that to the car (the groom hunts fyi). I wrote on all the windows. A few minutes later, they left. They loved the duck. All in all, it was great.
After they left, we had to help do a little cleaning up. Then one of the bartenders came to us and said "which one of yall is Philip?" I asked what I had done, they said "You need to get these kegs unless you want to leave them at the church."
DING DING DING We have a winner!
So I threw the kegs in the back of the truck and took off for home. I sent out text messages to a ton of folks. If you didn't get one, sorry. I am still plugging all my numbers into my phone and I'm not halfway done yet. Or you never gave me your cell number. In that case, fo-get you homes!
So we had these kegs at the Ponderosa and some of the wedding party and a few other folks came over. This is where the pics begin. Here is Gary (one of the groomsmen) checking the tap. A very important job. So what's one of the first things that Mike the Cordova Recluse wants to do? Keg stands. Here Gary and I are holding Mike up. Yeah, it's my house so I changed into something comfortable. And yes, those are the badass seersucker shorts. Jealous much?
Of course Mike hadn't been up there ten seconds before I had to say "No Mike, we won't hold your butt or anything." He started laughing and spitting out the beer. So we had to let him down.
Mike called me out for that and told me that I was next.
I didn't last that long because he made a similar joke and I started laughing. From there, Mike walked inside still laughing. Then he found my bar. I wasn't there to stop him. He grabbed the handle of everclear and turned it up. If you don't know what everclear is, it is PGA. Pure Grain Alcohol. 95% alcohol. Why would he do that? Mike just does that. I didn't know him in college, but I know he used to do it all the time. It's like it doesn't effect him. For about 5 minutes. How do I know that? Because he wanted to do a keg stand with his pants by his ankles. Don't believe me? A picture is worth a thousand words.
Did we do it? Hell no. I'm not holding him up. And no one else was going to either. We told him no. He called us pansies and pulled up his pants. Crisis adverted.
Here is a random pic from inside. Emmy is on the left. Mendi is in the middle. (yea, they are both on myspace) Why is there a blanket? Mendi was cold. Chilled to the bone.
After a while and much more everclear, Mike the Cordova Recluse declared that we were going to Pat O'Brien's down on Beale Street. ON MUSIC FEST WEEKEND. Again, I think Mike is absolutely retarded. Not retarded drunk. Just plain old retarded. And whenever he is done being shady and hiding in Cordova, he comes out and tears up the world like this.
Here is a pic of the Uncle (Justin from ATL) with one of Mendi's friends, Mendi, and Emmy. We are at Pat O's.
Here is a pic of Mendi and the Uncle at the piano bar. I'll give you one guess as to who was more excited about this pic.
After a while, it got really boring. How do I define boring? There was no particular girl I was flirting with and it was late. And I was ready to leave and stop drinking. So I caught a cab home and got in about 3 am. Of course everyone had left and the kegs were still here (surprise surprise). I tried to raid my fridge but of course, I didn't have anything that was ready to eat. Emmy was too drunk to drive to her hotel so I let her crash for a few hours in the spare bedroom. I crawled into my bed and fell asleep about 3:30 am.
I got up at 12:30 and saw she had already left. I started mopping up the kitchen. Mike was spilling a bunch of beer last night. Oh yeah, he decided to get into my wheaties stash and put wheaties in his beer. "It's good man! I can get nutrients while I get drunk. And fiber too!!!" I told you he's retarded. I had a text war with a few folks who couldn't make it. Kendall invited me to go to grab some food with her, her mom, and her friend in town for music fest. We went to Chili's in East Memphis. Kendall and her friend looked like they felt much worse than I did. They were chugging Diet Coke and Tea and eating. I decided that to listen to my own advise: The best way to detox is retox! So I had three frozen margaritas. Ok, stop before you get started. Chili's gives you two 10 oz margaritas when you order (happy hour deal until like 10PM). I can't order just one. I gave the fourth to Kendall's mom.
Kendall and her friend told me this funny-ass story about a girl they know at UVA. How can I describe her before I tell you the story? How about "tease"? I think that'll do it. Apparently this tease (who is also a Stage 5 Clinger) went to this guy's house after a party. They were making out and she stopped him to say "There is a line right her (she drew a line across her body just below the breasts). If you get to touch anything above this line, consider yourself lucky." If that wasn't funny enough, a few days later she was crying to Kendall and a few other girls. She couldn't understand why he hadn't called her at all. When she was told by one of the girls that all she did was lead him on and that he wouldn't feel any decent connection with her, the tease said "but he has a piece of me" and tapped her chest over her heart. They all started laughing. Someone told her "you probably gave him the worst case of blueballs ever!" I just about fell out of the booth laughing at that. I'm sorry, but that girl is just retarded.
After that I ran to Target (pronounced "Tar-je"). I bought some shorts, a few smartass tshirts, some boxers, and the movie Baseketball (it was on sale for $5.50). I came home and have done a little laundry.
OOOHHHH!!!! I almost forgot. I worked on some of the pics I have taken over the last month. So I will have the April/May Ghetto Fashion parade out this week sometime.
Have a great one.
Songs on the Playlist (home computer, random mix):The Who - Eminence Front
INXS - Don't Change
The Cars - Dangerous Type
Pat Benatar - We Belong
Peter Gabriel - I Grieve
The Cars - Let The Good Times Roll
The Cars - It's All I Can Do
The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail
The Cars - My Best Friends Girl
INXS - What You Need
The Clash - Rock the Casbah
The Clash - Straight To Hell
The Clash - Armagideon Time
The B-52's - Love Shack
Pete Townsend - Let My Love Open The Door
INXS - Suicide Blonde