Living in the Ghetto

Not many folks know how to survive in the South Memphis Ghetto. Back in March, I did a post on Ghetto fashion and shortly after, a post on what the Ghetto boys and girls were drinking. Well I have combined those into another more general post this time. I present to you

To live in the ghetto, you must be able to adapt to your surroundings. Feel like you need to lose weight? Well have no fear, it is ok to drink Bud Select in the ghetto. How do we know this? Because one of our friendly hoodrats left a bottle cap in the parking lot this morning.
For the higher ranking members of the Ghetto Society, you don't need to worry about your appearance. Drink Miller Lite and pack on the pounds.
Now if you listened to the stereotypes, you would assume that Kools, Marlboros, Newports, and Swisher Sweets are the tobacco products of choice. There appears to be a new favorite:
Red Seal, Long Cut
I guess dipping isn't just for the suburban white kids anymore. Now everyone can look stupid with a mouth full of dirt. Yeah!!!

So you know how to get drunk and fill your nicotin fixes while living in the ghetto. But what about fashion issues? Well the hot item right now is apparently the Destiny's Child purse. Here we have Moniqua modeling it at a South Memphis sandwich shop. Apparently you "ain't da shiznit" if you don't carry your "homegirls" with you to "git your eat on." Thank you, Moniqua. While in the South Memphis hood, you will see all kinds of cars. Everyone knows about spinners, 20s, rims, and all that. But this one stood out that it just had to be included. It's not very ghetto or hip or anything, but it is kinda disturbing. On the VERY TINTED rearview window, there is a sticker of Jesus with the crown of thorns. On the truck, there is a Jesus Fish. The temporary tag is dated 06/06/06. That's scary.
I hope you have enjoyed this seminar on how to live in the South Memphis Ghetto. Hopefully we'll have more advice for you soon.

Keep it sleezy and don't get none on ya.


HNT - Dehydration

I was a little hungover this morning. About 8 last night, I got a call from a buddy:
"Dude, what are you doing? It doesn't matter! Get off your ass and get up to Newby's! We're drinking!"
What else do I need to hear, right? So I went about 8:30 and had a few cocktails. I probably went to bed around 12:15. This morning came waaaaayyyy too soon.
So I have been chugging water to rehydrate myself. I know the best DETOX is RETOX, but I'm working so I can't have any bloody mary's today. So water and Tylenol for me!Happy HNT! For the HNT rules or just to find out what it is, click on that link.

Songs on the Playlist:
Phish - Fee
Kool & The Gang - Jungle Boogie
Robert Johnson - Hellhound On My Trail
Derek & The Dominoes - Tell The Truth

What is wrong with People?

I'm trying to figure out how they forgot to include me. They begged me for the interview and even took a few pics. They had me do the "George Costanza on a Bear Rug" shot. And you know what? I was en fuego! Yet, they forgot me at printing time. I just don't understand People magazine.


Lunchie Munchie?

Alright alright alright! My sister is working down here at the office for the summer. Mom sent her with lunch today. Guess what I just wolfed down? A Turkey-bleu cheese sandwich. I only got pics of half of it because I was scarfing down the other half. Damn it's good.

She puts turkey breast and bleu cheese in a blender to make it. Then she'll spread it all on two slightly toasted pieces of wheat bread. It is badass. Enjoy your McDonald's, fool.

Songs on the Playlist:
ZZ Top - Pearl Necklace
Lynyrd Skynyrd - What's Your Name?


Tuesday Post

Taggert: Well if that don’t beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to make it all the way to the super regionals at home again. And for what? So we can lose to the Northern Cuba Pelicans. I am depressed.
Lyle: Gee Mr. Taggert, I shore hate to see you like this. Say, would it make you feel any better if me and the boys were to shoot them Pelicans?
Taggert: You know, it just might.

For those of you who are uneducated in the ways of great comedic performances, that was a little bit of tweaking with a scene from Blazing Saddles, which is definitely in the Top 5 comedies of all times. So what the hell am I talking about? Well OUR Ole Miss Rebels lost to the Northern Cuba Pelicans (or as you might call them, the Miami Hurricanes) in the Super Regionals. Just like last year, we won the first game in Oxford, but lost the final two. Last year we lost to Texas who eventually won it all. This year we lost to Miami. Every time I turned on the games, those Cubans (I mean Hurricanes) were bunting. What a bunch of ussypas! Sorry but that just pisses me off. Swing the bat like a man!

So last night I was going to go to the gym after work, but the Rebs were playing. So I picked up a dozen wings from Buffalo Wild Wings and headed home to have a few beers and wings. I had the Spicy Garlic ones. They weren’t hot enough. Towards the end of the game, I raced back to get some more. This time I got the Caribbean Jerk on 6 wings. They were a little hotter, but not that much better. So I watched the Rebels. When I got bored. I watched Entourage, Deadwood, and the Sopranos. I flipped back and forth. That’s the only good thing about cable. You have that On Demand crap. But I still hate cable. DirecTv is much better.

So I’m just a little upset over the Rebel’s loss. Add to that the fact that US lost in World Cup play to the Czech Republic. I’ve wondered how the hell we could lose to them, but I guess if you had to practice on fields with landmines you’d be good too. Seriously though, didn’t they just spend the last, oh, 100 years in war? When did they have time to become that badass at soccer (futbol)?

So what’s on the calendar this week? Nada. Absolutely nada. I’m kinda digging it too. I know this weekend is Bonnaroo. I went a few years ago and had a blast. Now I’d be too grumpy and need a shower by Saturday morning. That and I’d bring plenty more supplies and an air conditioned RV. Charly, I hope you’re taking hints here. Oh yeah, don’t get a ridiculous sunburn the first day because you have to wear a shirt the rest of the time. But that’s one of the good things about hippies, even I could walk around topless. Hell yeah! Reminds me there was this hot chick in a bikini bottom and a spray painted top walking around. So basically she was nude and painted. I had been walking around with a camel back full of margaritas all damn day and decided I needed to get my pic with her. I need to find a digital version of that so I can post it. I look like crap, but she was hot.

What else is going on? Oh yeah! Sunday is Father’s Day! Get Dad something nice because he puts up with you, you insignificant bastard. Hopefully we’ll go to the lake. But you never know. I would like another stress free weekend. That would be awesome.

Oh yeah, if you men haven’t already figured it out, we have officially been in “Gold Bond Season” for the last month or so. So powder up the boys. There’s nothing worse than peeling them off your legs. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then stay na├»ve. It’s cute and you’ll never get laid. So enjoy that.

Ok, I’m gonna roll. You kids behave yourself but keep it sleazy.

Songs on the Playlist:
Aerosmith – Love In An Elevator
Mr. Mister – Broken Wings
Shooter Jennings – Daddy’s Farm
Nirvana – Plateau
Robert Earl Keen – Down That Dusty Trail
James Brown – I Feel Good
Traffic – Empty Pages
George Strait – All My Exes Live In Texas
Paul Simon – Graceland
Pat Green – Dancehall Dreamer
Kylie Minogue – Outta My Head (she is so hot in that video)
Jack Johnson – Situations
Drivin N' Cryin - Straight To Hell


Survey Deal

I took this from Kat's Blog. She's not smart enough to tell someone else to do it, so I took it upon myself

1.) Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006?
At the UClub watching all my married friends kiss each other. Kinda sad actually. No wait, that’s pathetic. But I didn’t have anyone worth taking. New Year’s Eve parties always suck and are overrated.

2.) How did you get the idea for your myspace name?
Well I was born with it. That’s a stupid question.

3) What are you listening to right now?
Random mix on the computer. The specific song is Jet “Get What You Need”

4.) Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Umm…no. I’m not a chick.

5.) What color underwear are you wearing?
Tabasco Boxers: white background with some Tabasco image pattern.

6.) Do you live in a zoo?
No, I live in a pigsty. I haven’t cleaned my room in over a week and I have laundry everywhere. Tonight is house cleaning night after the gym. The rest of the house is very clean, but my room is a total mess.

7.) What did you do this morning?
Woke up, showered, and drove to work. Boring huh?

8.) What does your mom do for a living?
Puts up with this family and be a wonderful woman.

9.) Where do you work?
(last name) Equipment Company.

10) What ended your last relationship?
Dating Relationship – drifted apart
Serious Relationship – She was falling in love with me and I didn’t think my emotional connection would become that strong with her.

11) What are the last two digits of your phone number?

12.) What was the last concert you attended?
I honestly can’t remember. I’m afraid to admit it, but I think it may have been Shooter Jennings at the Young Ave Deli back in April. Wow! I need to go to some shows soon.

13.) Who was with you?
Miniher and one of her chickenhead friends

14.) What was the last movie you watched?
Caddyshack last night. I can’t remember the last time I was in a theater. It was probably to see Sin City.

15.) What do you dislike at the moment?
Being tired.

16.) What food do you crave right now?
Hot wings. Buffalo wings. Whatever you want to call it. I want wings and beer. I know I should behave tonight (i.e. go to gym, go home, shower, eat salad or something, and do laundry), but I REALLY want some wings. I wonder if I can get Buffalo Wild Wings for takeout.

17.) Did you dream last night?
I went back in time to stop some a Carnival Krewe from being invaded by Mongolian warlords. The party was being held in a frontier town like Deadwood. The Mongolians sent some huge black dude to fight me. He pulled out two huge knives and tried to cut me. I broke the first knife with one hand. Then I gutted him with the other. Then I stood in front of everyone to proclaim that this was my dream and nobody was going to F with me, bitches! The Mongolians took off and we partied. Then I woke up. Weird.

18.) What was the last TV show you watched?

19.) What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
I don’t wear jewelry. I’m not gay or a metrosexual or Italian (sorry Jeff).

20.) Name someone on your Myspace Top 8 who is just like you?
No one.

21.) What is the last thing you ate?
I just had a bag of chips from the vending machine.

23.) Who last IMed you?
I can’t remember as I haven’t used that crap since I was a sophomore in college. The last text I got was from Seagrove with his daily dirty text message.

24.) Are you on any medication?
Nope. Just a daily vitamin: Super B Complex.

25.) What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Topside. Ha. If you are laying on your back, I sleep on the left side of the bed. If you are a hottie and are laying on your back, I’m on top of you.

26.) What color shirt are you wearing?
Crimson with blue letters.

27) What color is your razor?
Silver and black Mach 3

28.) What is your favorite frozen treat?
Dunno. I guess if I had to have one right now, I’d go with either a Klondike Bar or an ice cream sandwich.

29.) How many tattoos/piercing do you have?
None and none

30.) What are your favorite stores?

31.) Are you thirsty right now?No, I just had a Coke to get some caffeine. But I really need to drink some water.

32.) Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Absolutely. I just have to find someone to put up with my dumbass.

33.) Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say Spilly. I’ve seen most everyone else from back in the college days more recently than him.

34.) What did you do last night?
Mexican and Caddyshack. I forgot Entourage and Deadwood started last night. Guess what I’m watching tonight?

35.) Do you care what people think about you?
Not really anymore. I used to, but then I realized that if I live my life the right way, I shouldn’t have to worry about that. Plus if they can’t take a joke, F them.

36.) Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
Are you referring to anything in the last 12 hours?

37) Do you like your nose?
Why would I hate it? Stupid question.

38.) What color is your bedroom?
Off white I guess. Whatever it was when I moved in.

39.) When was the last time you worked out?
Too long ago. I’d say Sunday last week. No, wait, I did 12 oz. curls on Saturday.

40.) Plead the 5th?
No, I plead the fiziff. There are so many I can choose from. One. Two. Three. Four. Fiff!!! I choose the Fiff!

41.) Do you like pedicures?
I don’t really care.

42.) Where do you live?
El Memfricano. Also known as Memphis, TN. Specifically in High Point Terrace just south of Summer Ave near what I call Little Mexico. Have you seen that area on Summer lately? It used to be known for having hookers all over it. Well thank God, they cleaned that up, but now they have Mexican stores all over. I’m not kidding. There are stores with nothing but Spanish on the items and ads. No one speaks English in them. I know enough Spanish to ask where something is, but I don’t know what their answers are.

43.) Are you an aggressive driver?

44.) Who is your cell phone carrier?
My pocket. I won’t put it on my hip like a douche.
My service provider is Cingular.

45.) Do you like the person who posted this last?
Yeah, but she hates me. And that’s how I’d like to keep it.

46.) Do you know their Birthday?
No, but I’m sure it’s unimportant.

47.) What is the thing you'd want to change most about yourself?
I’m tired of being a tripod.

48.) What color is your car?

49.) What do you smell like right now?
Probably dust. I’ve been in the warehouse.

50.) What is your favorite color?
Green. It’s been my favorite color since I was in pre-K and learned what the colors were.

51.) Do you like mustard?
Oh hell yeah!!! Why wouldn’t you?

52.) What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
Buck up, biotch!

53.) Would you ever go Sky Diving?
Yeah. I’m thinking about it. DP did it a few years ago and said it was badass.

54.) What do you sleep on?
A bed.

55.) What character from a movie/TV most reminds you of yourself?
None really. So I’ll have to go with Sean Connery’s James Bond. Not the Never Say Never Again cheesy one. I mean the early ones. Thunderball, Goldfinger, and Dr. No.

56.) Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
Yeah. It’s an addiction if you’re not careful.

57.) What did you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
Yeah, sorry about that. Next time I’ll pull out Angie.

58.) Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Of course. Everyone needs a hug.

59.) Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
Umm…no. I’ll wear whatever I want. I don’t fallow trends. If I see something I like and looks good, I’ll wear it. But unlike many people I am friends with (hint hint Friggin D & Ben) I don’t wear those vertical striped shirts without an undershirt showing way too much of a waxed chest. Talk about following a bad trend.

60.) Do you own a digital camera?
Yeah. I put up with it, but sometimes I think I need to get a new one.

61.) What celebrities have you been compared to?
None. If I was, I forgot it. I don’t really care about celebs.

62.) Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Dunno. I haven’t really watched it in a while. I’d guess it would be Han Solo.

63.) Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
Not really because everyone is dead to me.

64.) What books, if any, have made you cry?
I don’t cry.

65.) What would you do if a large black man punched you in the face and tried to steal your soda?
First of all you yankee bastard, I have no idea what a “soda” is. Down here we drink coke, pepsi, or whatever. You call it whatever it is. The only generic term for them would be “Soft Drink”. Second, why does it have to be a black man? Why you gotta be all racist and sh*t? Why can’t you just say “some bigass dude”? Damn man. You are the kinda person that just keeps these damn prejudices all ‘round us an’ sh*t. Mofo I oughta smoke you, fool!

66.) Are you a jealous person?
I try not to be, but you know how that works.

67.) Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
Screw you hippie. I eat meat, because if I didn’t the other animals on this planet would. So take your bleeding heart and get the hell outta my face before I rip it out and throw it on my grill, you little bitch!

68.) If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?

I officially charge Charly with doing this next. Get on it, girl.
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