PSA's: Sharpie Ban, Bathing Suit Season, and Party Distinction

The states of Texas and California have asked that all citizens keep sharpies away from their Mexican neighbors. Beware all Transplant Yankees living in the South! We are currently in bathing suit season. Do not be alarmed.
In case you ever wonder what kind of party you are attending, this pic shows how to tell if you are at a gay party.Have a safe weekend kiddies and don't get none on ya!


This week's F.U. Friday is dedicated to all these people who are telling me how to do this. Butt out. This is my thing. If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass. If you don't want a pic to land on here that you might be embarassed by, don't pose in a provacative position. I don't post names of people on here so no one will be called out. The only people who can figure out who you are when I put up nicknames or initials are your friends. So this is for you: So kiss my ass. Also if you don't like what you see here, don't read this.
Have a nice day, yall. And have a great Fuck You Friday.
Be sure to tell MG and TequilaGirl if you're playing FU Friday.


Top College Cheerleaders


Rockstar:Supernova Recap Elimination Show 8/16/06

If you’re looking for the HNT, it’s the next post down.

Ok so last night was the Rockstar:Supernova (aka Tommy Lee’s Unit) encore and elimination show. So we’re all dying to know who was going to get the encore, but Supernova decided to pull a fast one. Like a groupie going to bed with Tommy Lee for the first time, we were completely shocked to learn that Supernova was going to play one of their new songs with a rocker. They chose Dilana…after saying that “this doesn’t mean the competition is over” seven hundred times. Dilana got out there and rocked a new song called “Leave the Lights On.” It’s not going to go to the top of the charts, but it was a good song. Something amazing happened during the performance. Four hot-chick dancers (yeah, that’s the technical term) came out and after a minute walked to where Dilana was. She played along and started dancing while she was singing. And you know what? She actually looked hot. My roommate and I both were shocked. She’s always been this attention grabbing performer. Last night she got sexy. Anyone else think so?

So after Dilana kicked ass, it was encore time. They gave it to Ryan Star. He did another killer job with Phil Collins “In The Air Tonight.” By the way, has anyone else noticed that he wears a black sweatshirt each week to the elimination show? Everyone else dresses like they’re ready to perform. But he’s in jeans and a sweatshirt. Anywho, the house band was back with electric instruments, BUT the string quartet was still there, and that was pretty badass.

After the encore, Brook “now that I’m pregnant I have to hide my cleavage” Burke gave us the Potential Bottom Three:
Dave Navarro was surprised by both Magni and Storm being there. That was about all the discussion.
They called out Zayra first. She sang “Razorblade” by Blue October. Neither Supernova nor I have ever heard that song or band. It was just like Zayra: weird. One minute I liked it; the next I wanted to fast forward. I did notice that most of the time, her voice squeaked like she has no control and was hitting sour notes. She really needs some voice lessons or something.
Patrice sang Hole’s “Celebrity Skin.” Wow, how many times this season will we have to hear this song? She did a decent to good job…until she walked into the crowd, up and through the rockers area, back through the crowd, and stops up on Supernova’s stage. It was a gutsy move that may have postponed her departure for a week or two.
The final rocker was Magni. Wait Magni!! What the hell? My exact words were “that’s bullshit!” So what does he do? He acts like it’s no big deal. He goes out and sings Radiohead’s “Creep.” Isn’t this like the fifth time this season someone’s sang this? Well Magni was the best. When he sang “I don’t belong here,” you felt like he meant it. He doesn’t belong in the bottom three. And his version was more of a slap in the face of Lukas’s earlier performances. This was just badass. After he was done, the camera cut to the rockers and you could see…DILANA CRYING! I couldn’t believe that. I mean I thought it was a moving performance, but to make her cry was unbelievable.

When it came time to kick someone out, they told Magni he was fine and sent him back to the rockers’ area. They told Patrice she was ok, because she still has growing left to do and has the potential to lead their band (now that's bullshit). And then they finally answered my prayers and CUT ZAYRA!!!! I was so happy: Captain Weirdo is finally gone.

Overall I thought it was a great episode. What did you think?


HNT - Holy Crap & Cougar

So Tuesday night I went to the Hollywood Casino with the other folks from the Autozone Liberty Bowl hospitality/behind the scenes committees as thanks for the work we do. We got to eat comped in an upstairs lounge. I gorged on fried shrimp. It was great. We had a comped bar as well. Well out of nowhere this overserved wanna-be cougar starting trying to talk smack with us while her husband just stood off in the corner. She was calling us "fagmos" because we were dressed nicely. I guess we can't all be as cool as she is. Later I got a pic with her just so I could have cougar proof. And yes, DM and I were calling her "COUGAR" to her face. She thought it was her funny nickname. Dumbass! Of course now I wonder if we would have called her that had she not tried to be funny and call us fagmos. Here's the pic

After the wanna-be Cougar disappeared, I was enjoying my vodka tonics and decided that I needed to go to the tables. I went downstairs with my buddies PF, HM, DM, Chardonnay, and T. A few of the guys go to the craps table. Some play roulette. I went to the blackjack table. I walked around the floor until I found one that I liked. I sat down with a bunch of old guys. Wait, that could have been any table. Anywho, I played blackjack for about an hour and half or so. I was up, then down, then up, then down. You know how that goes. Well, I lost a $5 hand so I put down $10. The dealer beats me again so I put down $20. The dealer beats me again so I put down $40. I tell the other guys at the table that if I lose this damn hand, I'm walking away because someone upstairs is trying to tell me something. I get a 6 and then a 4. I double down and suddenly have $80 on the table in front of me. My heart stops realizing what I just did. The dealer takes the card and puts it face down on the table in front of me. I said that was ok, but the suspense was killing me. A few of the other guys bust. Then the dealer hits 20. She turns over my card and I have an Ace. My friends, I shit you not. I couldn't believe it, but I followed the rules and said I was done. I cashed in all my $5 chips for bigger ones and went to the casino cashier. I then went upstairs to the bar for another comped cocktail. And this is my HNT with what I was holding
I have never won like that at the casinos. I know it's chump change, but I'm pretty happy to have the extra scratch. And yes, that is my Vodka Tonic at the top.
Happy HNT yall.

Songs on the playlist:
The Doors - Love Me Two Times
Stone Temple Pilots - Creep
The Cars - Shake It Up
Queen - Another One Bites The Dust
Tom Petty - I Won't Back Down
Weezer - Keept Fishing

Your Name In Russian

Every wonder what your name looks like in the Russian alphabet (can't remember the name of the alphabet)? This site let's you type your name (first or first & last) in a box and then shows you. It's pretty cool.
Check it out comrades.

Rockstar:Supernova Recap 8/15/06

So last night I went to the Casinos in Tunica (more on that tomorrow in the HNT post). I didn’t get home until just before midnight. Did I go to bed like I should? Hell no, I stayed up and watched the damn Rockstar:Supernova show. It was the stripped down, acoustic show with a friggin string quartet. Pretty cool…until the tatted up fools, Dave Navarro and Tommy “The Tripod” Lee started taking their shirts off. I thought it was funny for a second, but I really didn’t want to see two old guys covered in tattoos hanging out, sagging all over the place (isn’t Tommy in his 40’s?).
So they jumped to the recap and in the meantime made the guys get dressed. They went to Vegas and partied like…well…rockstars. I took notes, but I don’t remember much about it. I know at some point Storm said “we were sssssstoked!” I don’t know about what, but I remember her saying it and laughing at how long she stayed with that damn ‘S’ at the beginning. They should the song selection. As usual no one fought…except for our Aussie stud, Toby Rand. There was a song with Gilby Clarke on guitar: Peter Gabriel’s "Solsbury Hill." Dilana wanted it and Toby said “I want that song” mate. Yeah I added the ‘mate’ there, sorry. How did they solve it? Dilana told Toby to run around naked to get it. He stripped, ran, and jumped in the pool. So he got it. And Supernova applauded him for it.

They also had a chance for someone to perform their original song. And guess who jumped at it: Captain Pluto herself, Zayra Alvarez. And they let her go first. As is now customary on the show, she wore a crazy outfit. It appeared to be a giant red down comforter that she turned into a skirt with a black bra. Her original song was called “Lluvia de Mar” and was in Spanish. The scary thing it this is the first song where I’ve been able to understand her lyrics. I didn’t understand the words, but I enjoyed it. I wrote in my notes that ‘as beautiful as it sounds and feels, I can’t get too into it because it’s in Spanish.’ Which is true. It’s hard to get into a song that I don’t know what the singer is saying. (Btw they showed a Cuban flag hanging in the audience from the balcony)

Magni popped up next to sing David Bowie’s “Starman.” I honestly couldn’t remember ever hearing this song before. But I liked it. It was a great performance and I think he should be safe this week. Yeah I know that’s not much, but it was good and I don’t need to analyze it too much.

Patrice Pike sang The Police’s “Message In A Bottle.” It was good. Actually kinda mediocre. She really didn’t do anything that set herself apart from anyone else (I feel they keep setting themselves apart from her). I did like how her voice sounded with the acoustic arrangement. For once I actually enjoyed her voice. But I’m afraid she’ll be back in the bottom three. I did notice that Supernova wasn’t too entertained during her performance.

Lukas Rossi was next. You know him, the Lemur King from Madagascar. He did the Spiderman song: “Hero” by Chad Kroeger. Did anyone else think he kinda looked like a priest in that outfit minus the sleeves? I was actually more interested in figuring out if he was wearing a priest’s shirt that he cut the sleeves off than I was about the song. That’s not good. It doesn’t help his cause. But he’ll be safe because he’s a fan favorite.

Storm Large was up next. For those of you who’d like to see her nude pics, they are linked on this previous recap. This week she sang Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.” And she turned disco into rock. I enjoyed the performance. And I think she audience enjoyed it too. But Supernova (aka Tommy Lee’s Unit) was not impressed. I was entertained and actually thought that she arranged the song where it wouldn’t sound ‘disco’ at all. I liked the ending. She has a great voice, and I hope she goes far. So what did the judges think? Dave “hated it.” The Tripod said some cheesy line. Gilby just didn’t like it.

Toby Rand was next with “Solsbury Hill” and Gilby Clarke on guitar. He took the song and did a great job. Kicked up the tempo. He played on the congas at the end of the song. I thought it was a great job and thought he might win the encore.

Ryan Star sang Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight.” I thought he wasn’t bald enough to sing Phil Collins, but that’s ok I guess. I noticed on the first verse that he kinda mumbled the words. He did stayed in one spot during the performance. Other than that, it was a great performance. Dave thought it was the best performance of the night. I thought he might end up in the bottom three with it. I guess we’ll see who’s right.

Dilana Smith was next. Does it even matter what she sings anymore? She just kicks ass week in and week out. But for the sake of your sanity, I’ll recap her for you. She sang the classic “Cats In The Cradle.” Apparently it’s by Harry Chapin. I thought it was done by Cat Stevens and then Ugly Kid Joe. Anywho, I thought she did a great job. She won’t win the encore, but it was great (that was my initial thought). But then Dave said it was better than Ryan’s performance. Wow. By the way, I read on someone else's blog that he hopes Dilana will lose just so she doesn't have to get stuck with Supernova. I guess it's because we all know that Supernova will be a one hit wonder.

After the last commercial break, Brook Burke came back to tell us to vote and yada yada yada. Then they showed us the initial bottom three:
Patrice Pike
Toby Rand
Zayra Alvarez

Here’s who I think it’ll be:
Ryan or Lukas (just because I didn’t like Lukas’s performance)

Btw, I noticed that they wouldn’t show Brook’s belly during the majority of the close-ups during the show. Then I remembered hearing that she’s pregnant with her new boyfriend (like anyone knows who he is). Anyone else notice that?
Who do you think will be in the bottom three?


LSU Fans Smell Like Corn Dogs

I don't claim this as my own at all. I completely copied this from another site. But I know that most of my readers will love it nonetheless. Enjoy. We're getting close to football season so it's time to start talking trash. (If I could figure out how to post YouTube videos, I'd do that too)
This was originally posted on an Auburn football fan message board and has made its way around the net. I find it particularly funny being an Ole Miss fan and having friends who either went to LSU or are from Louisianna. So I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If youattend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure doeshave a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer: "Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling likea corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend.

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows?Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufe' or some fancy Cajun food." But just stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corndog valley either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell theircorn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams.You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...


Friday night recap (as typed on Sunday)

Yeah, I didn't do this yesterday. Why? Because I really didn't feel like hooking up the laptop. I was boring Saturday. I didn't go out Saturday night. I was headed to the office during the day, but I couldn't get in. Long story and I'll spare you the details because Friday night was so crazy.

I went to Sabafest at Premiere Palace. Instead of trying to remember everything, I'm just going to make a few statements, list who was there, and post the pics.

40 Watt Moon was good, but I was waiting on Walrus so I mostly stayed outside during their set.
Walrus kicked ass. As always. I want more keyboards though. And I don't remember if I heard Church's "Under the Milkyway". I really wanted to hear that one.

Who was there:
Duchess LH
Shady Hasbeen
Andy & Duchess Jana
Ash Mc (who won't get a nickname because she was lobbying for one. Maybe I'll call her McAsh...)
Scottie Too Hottie (who doesn't like that name, mostly because people have come up to him in person and called him that now)
Mr & Mrs DP (who need to tone down their pregame)
FL & his wife
Lots o' lovelies
Sam, the master o' bucks (wow, that's hard to figure out)
And a ton of other folks who I can't remember all of a sudden. So now it's time to go through the pics.

Before I went home to get dressed, I stopped off at McAllister's to pick up some alcohol absorbing food. After I walked out, I noticed this sky to the west. For those of you who don't know, the west is where most of our weather fronts come from. I don't know about you, but this looks like trouble on the horizon. Maybe I should have stayed home...naaahSo I get to the party and while standing outside, four girls decided they needed to be photographed. And for once it wasn't my idea. Good luck deciphering who these belong to.Premiere Palace is located just down the street from Sun Studios. And around the corner from Platinum Dolls or Downtown Dolls or whatever they're calling it. Basically someone turned the old Club 616 in Memphis into a shake joint. It's hard to tell in the pic, but the big neon thing on the right is a woman dancing. From where we stood, it looked like they have three entrances to it. One on the right of the building had a sign that said "Live off Beale." I can't remember what the other two said because they weren't that interesting either. And for some strange reason none of us ventured over there...thank God.There were many strange things that happened during the night. At one point, one lady's toe decided it had enough of her drinking and tried to escape. It kept making a break through, but she'd always catch it. But if I had to walk around in shoes like that, I'd try to escape too.Apparently Janet Jackson decided to possess a few folks. I told you that strange things were happening.Here I am with Duchess LH. The bartenders gave us some jager shots because they insisted we try them. They had the jager machine that chills it. The white stuff on the outside of my cup is condensation that turned to ice. I shit you not. You may also notice that I have three times as much as she does. She kept saying "someone has to do some of this; I can't do it all." No one was willing to help her out, so when I wasn't looking she poured half of hers into mine. Thanks. Like I really needed it.I gave the Ode to Gunpowder toast and we took the shot. I shot two mouthfulls and this was how much was left. While we were both cringing, HM took this pic. Yeah, thanks. I had to keep shooting while she talked about how bad it tasted. After a while, McAsh showed up. Here I got a pic with her and the Shady Hasbeen. Always nice to fill your hands and keep them busy.Here's Andy with Bill's girlfriend. Bill was the guy of whom's honor the party was thrown (does that sound right to you?).Here's Patty from Walrus. He'd been doing some crazy shit on the guitar, but I couldn't get my camera turned on in time to catch it. Dammit.Here's a shot of the rest of the band.HM found some lovely lady to dance with and she wanted me to take a pic.OH YEAH! Mr and Mrs. DP finally got tired of me calling them an old married couple, so they decided to grace us with their presence. The problem was they had been pre-partying for a few hours. They pull up and I meet them in the street. Here was the first quote from DP: "Hey hold my beer while I park this thing." I immediately thought 'what are a redneck's last words?' Fortunately they parked ok. In the time it took him to park, I drank most of his beer (in case you haven't learned anything, never hand me an opened beer, you fools!). Mrs. P walked up to hug me and then grabbed the beer. I had left maybe an inch or two in it. She got pissed and threw it all over me. WTF!?! Why would she do that? I started yelling at her and threw the bottle into the street where we were standing. All of a sudden the crowd outside the party looked over and went dead silent. I kept yelling at her and then DP came over. She apologized and I suggested we all go get a drink. And everything was fine. As we walked back over some fag with a pony tail said "Hey, let's not break anymore bottles. Ok?" I shot him a look that basically translated "shut your pie hole, you weak bitch." He quickly turned back to whomever he was talking to. We went inside. This is the first pic with DP. Funny thing is he was worse off than I was.Here I am with AP, can you see the wet sleeve I had. I told you she soaked me with the beer. And I told you DP was drunk. He only does that after he's had a few "col' berrs."Here's a pic of SR and AP.The Shady Hasbeen came running up at one point on the dancefloor and wanted to do another one of her favorite pics. It actually took us three times to get it right. Whoever was working the camera kept cutting out parts of us. Hmm...must have been a drunk.Mr and Mrs P wanted a nice pic of them together. Instead they got this.So they tried again and we got this.Scottie Too Hottie decided to introduce me to some girl he was talking to by saying "This is Philip. He's famous." Not picking up the sarcasm, she actually asked why I was famous. Hello new comedy routine! I told her I was an underground sensation in the Memphis area. She asked why. I think I told her that I had done something badass, but I wasn't supposed to talk about it. I told her the best way to find out was to google me. I told her my real name was 'Chuck Schwartz.' I know that was some movie character but I couldn't remember who. I told her that I was also an amateur party photographer and I was supposed to get pics of Scottie Too Hottie with interesting people. I told her to stand next to him and smile big. This was what happened.Nice face, Scottie. I then said I needed one where she kissed him on the cheek. She wouldn't go for it so I said how about he kiss your cheek. She said ok and this was the result. She pointed to her face and he started in before she realized what he was trying to do. There was this hottie named Natalie from Little Rock who I met. We started comparing movie quotes. The only problem was my brain had stopped functioning properly earlier in the evening. So I couldn't answer any movie quotes that didn't come from comedies. While we were doing this, some dude with glasses went walking by. I asked him if I could get a pic of her in his glasses. He actually went for it. So I got this shot.Here's a pic of AP, SR, and Jana. I raised the camera to get an aerial shot. Can you tell who didn't follow the camera?Not only did McAsh bust my balls for a cool nickname for the blog, she wanted a damn pic with me. I shit you not that we took 8 pictures to get a good one. It got to be ridiculous. I'd take a good one (or I thought it was good at the time) and she'd want another. Over and over and over. I think this was the best.

After Walrus ended, I caught a ride with McAsh and SR. HM and I had rode down there together in John's cab, but he left to head to another bar with Mary, Shady Hasbeen, and Duchess LH. They left during Walrus's last set, but I wasn't ready to leave yet so I kept dancing. Or at least my best attempt at dancing. So when I left with McAsh and SR, we went to McAsh's house to drop her off. On the way we drove by Ernestine & Hazel's and Raifords. AND THEY WERE BOTH CLOSED!!! I couldn't believe it. I heard that Raifords was getting some remodelling or had been shut down by the health department or both. So that killed our late night plans. After we dropped of McAsh, SR dropped me off at my house. I went in and passed out in the bed. It was a fun night.

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