R.I.P. Former President Gerald Ford

I know he just died and this is probably in bad taste. So I'm sure you'll enjoy it. But I think it is funnier than any of the Chevy Chase videos where he plays Gerald Ford falling down. Here is the description from GOOGLE video:

1996 episode of SNL featuring Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw, announcing the various ways Gerald Ford could die.


R.I.P. James Brown

Ok I keep trying to post this but I can't. YouTube won't let me copy the whole embedded text to put it on here. So...go to this site. It is my tribute to the late, great James Brown.


Merry Christmas, Yall

I'm going to do a few quick posts I had meant to do in this one quick one. It's 1:30 AM on Dec 25. So Merry Christmas.

First, I'd like to give a HUGE pat on the back to Home Depot and Radioshack. I was at both within the last week and the employees wished me a Merry Christmas. Everywhere else it's the politically correct "Happy Holidays." Sorry, but I hate that. I know there are other people out there who celebrate different holidays this time of year, but if you are Christmas shopping, you want to hear "Merry Christmas" instead of the proverbial 'Happy whatever ethnic/religious event you may/may not celebrate this time of year.'

During this time of year, there are tons of things that really make me happy and put me in the Christmas mood. Here's a quick list of a few great items:
- National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (btw I went to trivia night with Angie and a bunch of her friends Thursday night. None of them knew the name of Cousin Eddie's dog in this film. How is that possible?)
- Surprising friends with badass gifts they didn't expect. I didn't say expensive gifts, but gifts that show you actually thought about them and what they'd like
- Twenty-four hours of A Christmas Story on TBS

I remember being a child and watching Christmas movies like White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, and It's a Wonderful Life. Those are great, but when I think of Christmas only two movies come to mind (yea, I'm saying them again): Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story. Nothing beats them. Just my opinion.

It's amazing how much things about Christmas can change and no one ever notices. I had my Ipod on random Xmas songs the other day and it landed on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas as said by Louis Armstrong. I actually listened to the whole thing. It was great. But I heard something I didn't remember until I thought about it. Did you know that in the poem, Santa is smoking a pipe? I remember seeing all the pics of Santa as a child smoking a pipe. Nowadays, you don't. Kinda weird how it changed. I don't know which one I prefer though.

Anyway, it's getting late and I need to go to bed because I'm sure my sister will bang on my door at 5:30 to wake me up so we can go open presents. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

In the words of Clark W. Griswald: "Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

Songs on the Playlist:
Otis Redding - Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay
The Clash - Train In Vain (Stand By Me)
The Allman Brothers Band - Blue Sky
The Beatles - Norwegian Wood
The Allman Brothers Band - Melissa
Big Head Todd & The Monsters - Broken Hearted Saviour


HNT - Possession

Ok, I haven't done an HNT post in a long ass time, but I'm trying to be more proactive in blogging. Here's a pic of me possessed by the ever powerful Red Bull & Vodka at 2 in the morning.

Happy HNT yall


Personal Milestone

Quick post.

I swam a mile non-stop tonight (35 laps). I've never swam that far so I'm bragging. That's right A MILE!!!

I started out just going to swim 20 laps with the American Crawl (on stomach, what most folks consider swimming laps). I did my 20 laps and started doing half lap resting back stroke/half lap crawl for 5 laps. Then I realized that if I did about another 3 or so, that would be a 3/4 mile. I've never done that much without stopping. So I did it. Then I realized that I was about 9 laps from actually doing a whole mile, so I went for it. I kept going and going. I felt great. On the last lap, my legs started cramping a little, but I pushed on and finished. I couldn't believe it. I am really proud of myself.

Don't worry, I'm not going to turn this into a blog about going to the gym. This is just a huge milestone and I thought I'd share it. (BTW since the spring, I have dropped from around 225 to 195 pounds)

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Great Quote from Family Guy

My Tivo recorded Sunday's new episode of Family Guy ("Barely Legal"). There was a unbelievable quote that I'm going to post here. I couldn't stop laughing the first time I heard it. Here's the setup:

Meg (the daughter/fugly social outcast) guilt trips Brian the family dog (who can speak) to be her date to the high school dance [suspend your disbelief please and just go with it]. Brian really doesn't want to be there so he's chugging from a flask the whole dance. They're sitting to the side having a coversation when Connie DiMeco (Miss Popular at the school) comes over...

Connie - You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave. But Brian can stay. (she and her friends laugh)
Brian - You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie - Excuse me?
Meg - Brian, let's just go.
Brian - No, no, no, no, no! Hang on. Hang on, Meg. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were twelve. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror, because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age nineteen, you're going to be a worn out, chalky-skinned, burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

Now how funny is that? I had to pause it because I couldn't stop laughing. Have a good one.

Songs on the Playlist:
Guns N' Roses - Nightrain
Judas Priest - You've Got Another Thing Coming
Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss


Tip # 165 for the Single Man to Survive the Holidays

If you the single man are looking for a way to survive the holidays, then I have a great idea for you.

When you go to that one "child friendly" Christmas party, be sure to embrace the "child friendly" aspect. Bring cookies or sweets. You know what, bring as many sugar-filled treats as you can buy. Two bags of cookies and a bunch of other sweets (nothing too messy, you don't want little hands getting melted chocolate all over the host/hostess's wall; that would be rude).

When you get to the party, wait until it is in full swing before you get started. How do you know when it is in full swing? The parents quit paying attention to their kids and they let them run wild. The mom's are gossipping and comparing who has the worst cellulite/fat ass problem this year (hint: it's all of them). The dads are hanging out, talking about sports, sipping beer, and chuggin whiskey when the wife isn't looking. The only time they look to see where their kids are is if they hear something shatter. This usually drives you, the single guy, crazy because you become Uncle Jungle Gym. Not this year. This year you are loaded up with plenty of sweets.

Start simple. Open a bag of cookies and start pushing them like a drug dealer in a city school. After the first box of cookies is gone, open the next. Keep going until either you run out of sweets or the parents catch onto your little game. Now don't stop just because one set of parents tells their kids to stop eating the sweets you have. That doesn't mean that the rest of the parents have a clue about what's going on. The object is to get these kids on such a sugar high that the folks can't control them for the rest of the day or they run like crazy until it's time to go home and they pass out in the car. Either way they start going nuts and the parents have to deal with it.

Now sit back and enjoy the chaos you created. It's a great little Christmas present to yourself. Plus you won't have to be Uncle "Hey watch little Timmy for just a minute" anymore.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Quick Weekend Recap

I'm just going to make this quick. I have a better post I want to do, but I need to get this out there first.

Saturday night the brother and I went to Walker & Jennie's Xmas party. We had a blast. As always they put on a very nice party (now, if I could only find a way to convince them to invite more hot, single girls it would be perfect. hehe)
We stayed there for about two hours then we headed downtown to the Xmas party thrown by "THE GIRLS" at Ernestine & Hazels. I still don't know who "THE GIRLS" are, but this is the third year I've been. So thank you, whoever you are. I met up with Scottie Too Hottie, Dr. J, and Cousin Robinson. We hung out a while and had soul burgers and beer. After a while the crowd started to die down so we headed out. S2H, the brother and I went to Newby's. There was a jam band playing (Yamagata, I think), but the crowd was kinda dead. So we had a drink and then headed to the Blue Monkey. Sure enough I get there and run into folks I haven't seen since August. And they were old friends from college. Really random, but pretty cool.

After a while the brother and I headed home. Normally I wouldn't talk about the trip home, but I would like to make one statement:
To the crackhead sistah in the black Maxima who was swerving all over the Nonconnah Pkwy and almost hit my truck at 3 in the morning, do us all a favor and F off.

Other than that incident, I had a blast Saturday night. It was good to see everyone.

Have a good one and don't get none on you.


Recap and Look Ahead

Ok kids, last night was the Ptolemy Xmas party. There were a surprising amount of new members. Apparently the Krewe has been kicking ass and taking names. We have a bunch of new folks (might I mention some new hotties, finally). I had a great time, but I showed up way too late so I was a few drinks behind everyone. I didn't play catch-up though, and that turned out to be the best thing. Everyone was hammered and saying really stupid shit. I, however, got to listen to what they were saying. And yes, some of you are really stupid when you are drunk. Some of you are just really boring. And some of you need to watch your boobs, they tend to sneak peeks out at the party (btw, I'm not ever going to say who, but one lady's loose-fitting top should have been tightened).

Tomorrow (Saturday) I am going to rake leaves because the wind might finally be gone and the temps may rise. Well at least that's what I'm hoping.

Saturday night I am going to two Xmas parties. One is in Midtown and the other is downtown. I'm not going to say who is hosting them because that would just be rude to the hosts. You'll get recaps of course...if my effing camera starts working.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.


Feel Good Moment of the Week

This morning I was at the Collierville YMCA (aka the Cowtown Y) swimming laps. I got out and went to the sauna to rest. I noticed that there was an old couple in the pool. They appeared to be in their 70s or 80s. The wife was unable to get in and out of the pool via the stairs obviously due to her limited walking ability. There is a machine that the Y has that will lower people into and raise them from the pool. The husband stood their with the lifeguard as the machine raised his wife out of the pool. The three of them were laughing and carrying on what seemed like a nice conversation. When the wife got out of the pool, the husband brought her walker to her. It was one of those dual walkers where you can walk and use hand brakes or just sit in it. Well, after she sat down, she reached over and grabbed her husband's hand. She squeezed it and said "thank you" to him. He smiled and had that glint in his eye where you know that they've been together for a long time and she still looks as beautiful to him today as she did when they met years ago. Then he went to the men's locker room and she went to the women's. I never saw them again and doubt if I will see them again. But for that one moment, they brightened my day.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Songs on the Playlist:
The Church - Under the Milky Way
Chris Isaak - Lady In Red
Billy Squier - My Kinda Lover
Gary Numan - Cars
The Tubes - She's A Beauty
Eddie Money - Shakin'
Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me


On the Road Again

What up, world? Yeah, I've been slacking lately on the whole blogging thing. Sorry. And I'm about to head back to the "land without internet." Actually it's kinda nice. Where I duck hunt in Arkansas is actually what you would consider "Bumblefuck." I know downtown Paul considers anything past...well, probably East Parkway to be "East Bumblefuck" (especially where I live right now), but this is really what you can consider the middle of nowhere. Let's do the checklist:

1. One stoplight in the entire town: CHECK
2. Lots of meth labs in trailers north of town: CHECK
3. One Sonic built before town got stop light: CHECK
4. One Subway: CHECK
5. Intersection of two main highways: CHECK
6. Great hunting and not much else: CHECK
7. Guy running for mayor named "Dizzie": CHECK
Sounds like the middle of nowhere to me.

Anywho, that's where I spent my weekend. Oh yeah, I did go to Thanksgiving with the family and come back in town to go out Saturday night. HM and I headed to the Blue Monkey to catch the first set of Walrus before we were going to catch Lord T & Eloise at Newby's. Walrus was on fire. We didn't want to leave, but we had folks we were going to meet at Newby's so we left. By the time we got to HM's house for a cocktail we got calls from the folks we were meeting who said LT & E were over. We hung around HM's house and Jeff/Beth and a few folks came over. I stood there after an hour or so and realized that I had been away for over 22 hours and needed to go home and crash. So I headed east. I had been drinking straight Rockstar to stay awake. I was wide awake until I turned on my street, then my eyelids started getting really heavy.
Here are a few pics from the weekend with quick explanations. Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Ok, Blogger's being a bastard. So I'll get you pics later.

MG, I'll get your tag done when I get back. Don't have time now.

Songs on the Playlist (yeah, 80s):
The Church - Under the Milky Way
The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary
Echo and the Bunnymen - Lips Like Sugar
The Police - Can't Stand Losing You
The Police - King of Pain
The Police - Walking on the Moon
The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me
Tears for Fears - Head Over Heels
Gary Jules - Mad World


This weekend in Memphis

Honestly, I haven't really looked into a lot of what's going on. But here are two shows I know I want to see. You'll probably see me at one or both. The first is Walrus at the Blue Monkey. The second is...


The Kitty Cannon

I know a lot of my friends come here when their bored at work. A few of you have followed links on here and found additional addictions on other blogs. Well, I have found something else to put in your pipe and smoke. It's called the Kitty Cannon, and it's definitely not Peta friendly...maybe that's why I like it. Anyhoo, it's a game on a website called AddictingGames.com. I recommend you check it out.
Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

How is your 'betty' doing?

Seriously, how is your betty doing? Reason I ask is because I am one of those men who agree with Sean Connery: "I don't care as long as the collars and the cuffs match." Another way to put it is "do the drapes match the carpet?" But of course if you have hardwood floors, you don't have anything to worry about.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You don't know what I'm talking about? Well then, you need to get a girlfriend or your wife needs a little romance or something.

Ok, enough code-talk. Check out this page. It's called "Is your betty ready?" I never knew they would come out with a product specifically for this, but it's still pretty damn funny. I wonder why they only have "auburn betty." Can't they market "firecrotch betty?" That's discrimination!



What's wrong? Where have I been? Well this will be a "best of" post covering the last few weeks of fun. We'll start out Friday Nov 3. Yeah, that long ago. Jules came back in town from Florida to have a little fun with us. Here's a pic of her and HM at Newby's. The next day I went to the Ole Miss game. Needless to say I had a good time.
So did the brother.

I drove back that night and despite my lack of energy, I went to the Nudist Colony (TM) for a party. Ok, it's actually DP and AP's house. They just built a new 8 foot fence in the backyard. You can't see over it or through it. And that's why we call it the Nudist Colony. Here a pic of DP trying to get the fire lit with a little kerosene. This was about the third of fourth time he did that so we he walked up with a cup in his hand everyone left their chairs. Sunday I had dinner with Jules again before she left town. She showed me the shiner that her pimp gave her on Friday night after I went home. Unfortunately, that's not what really happened. She had a "blonde moment" and walked into a door. Take a good look at that. Attractive, isn't it?
The next week was mostly spent in interviews. Those are boring so I won't talk about that. That Thursday, I went to Miss MySpace's bday party (see post on that). I met a bunch of her friends and had a great time. A few of them were heading down to Enid lake to their cabin/trailer for the weekend to ride four-wheelers in the lake bottoms of Enid. Hmm...I don't think I could turn that down. We left Saturday morning. It was Kevin and Ro who had the trailer, Kristy, Shannon, Shawna, and me. Three four-wheelers and six folks. Perfect. We headed out to Enid lake and started driving around. The water was down from the summer height which left a ton of fresh mud to ride through. Of course it didn't take long until we were stuck.

After a while we heard more fourwheelers nearby. Some locals came and pulled us out. They then led us on a tour around the rest of the bottoms showing us the badass jumps and where to cross the "creek." Here is a pic of Shannon and Kristy after they got stuck trying to cross it. Actually I made it across without getting stuck...the first time. It was still a blast.

Here is a pic after we crossed it. Unfortunately none of us even thought about bringing waders or hip boots for the day. You can see how soaked my pants were. And we went for another 4 hours in the cold. It was a blast.After we got back to the trailer a few of the locals who lived nearby came to have a beer and hang out with us. They told us about this lake bottom near Grenada where "everyone" goes with their four wheelers and 4x4 trucks to drive in the mud. Guess what, we were in. So Sunday we met up with them and headed towards Grenada. You have no idea how insane it was. If I can ever figure out how to put video on this, I'll post the videos of the trucks going through the mud. These weren't your regular factory trucks. Most every one had been redone. I saw under the hood of one. They had built a custom engine just for driving in this. Most of the better ones had 36 to 40 inch wheels. A lot had exhausts coming through the truck beds. They took the exhaust pipes from Kenworth tracker trailers (18-wheeler cabs) and put them on their trucks piped through the truckbed. It blew my mind. Here is a pic of one.

Here is a pic of the crowd at another area. Here is one of the local kids after playing around on his dad's four wheeler.
Here are the girls after ridin' dirty.
Monday morning I headed back to Memphis. I was going to be on detox because I had been drinking for many days straight. I behaved myself on Monday. I was about to go swim laps on Tuesday when my phone rang. It was a bud and he wanted to know if I wanted to come downtown and catch Journey and Def Leppard in concert. So I said to hell with detox and headed downtown. Great show. I had waaaaaayyyy too much fun. After the show, I ended up at Coyote Ugly and then Ernestine & Hazels. I didn't get home until after 2. Needless to say, I was hurting the next day.
This past weekend I went duck hunting. Our blind got 13 on Saturday and 3 on Sunday. And that's about what everyone else has done so far as I've heard. So that's what I've been up to besides going on job interviews. I'll post an upcoming party/concert post in the next day or so.

Until then, have a good one and don't get none on ya.


Terry Tate: Office Linebacker

AL sent me this. I think it is funny as shit. Check it out.
Terry Tate: Office Linebacker


Miss MySpace Bday (TM) (and yes there are cougars)

So I know that I'm a good post out of order, but I promised that I'd post this ASAP.

Last night I went to Shawna's bday party. It was a blast. We started at Benihana's and then went to the Windjammer. Here are the pics of the evening with details, of course.
Here I am with the birthday girl herself.

Here is Shawna opening the Pasta Magic Chef, AS SEEN ON TV!!!Here she got her favorite gift: a friggin' garden gnome. She ended up with three of them. Here's Ro showing how much she loved the birthday ice cream.Here she is walking up to her car after Kristy and Ro decorated it. Unfortunately some jealous bastard(s) wrote on the windows with lipstick. They wrote "whore" and "slut" on the windows. What jackasses! Seriously. But they didn't ruin the evening. We had a blast.Remember the gnomes I mentioned? Here they all are. Actually, she had us put them in the backseat where she could strap them in seatbelts. Seriously. I'm not making this up.We finally left and headed to the Windjammer. Here I am with Ro.Here are 5 of the girls. Don't ask me to name them all. I'm horrible with names.I cut off the girl on the right so we retook it. And she just couldn't pay attention I guess.Shawna didn't get this tshirt until we got to the bar. It's perfect for her since she is Miss MySpace 2006 TM.Looks like it fits.Here's another great pic with the birthday girl.Here's the bday girl with Kristy.Shock...what?Kristy was talking about some slap the ass dance move. We made her keep doing it over and over. And of course I got a pic of it.Here's Too Tall with the bday girl herself.Ro all of a sudden became a drunk dinosaur. I never got a pic of her eating, but she'd turn into a dinosaur and start eating people's hair.Cold and filtered? Time for a taste teste.I've started an epidemic with this damn shocker thing. I'm getting copycats all over the world.Yeah, I know what we were doing...but I'm not going to tell you.And guess what happens when you have too much straight red bull.After we had been there a while, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I felt there might be cougars in teh room. Turns out I was right. I looked over my shoulder across the bar and saw a cougar. Then I saw she was in a pack. It was crazy. I noticed one of them walked away towards the karaoke stage. I knew that was my only chance to get a pic of a cougar in the wild. Check out the next pic for a cropped pic with a closer look at our cougar.Looks like she was trying to put out the mating call.Here is the bday girl herself.The later it gets, the worse the pics get.Blowin kisses at ya.Daddy like.I think we were having fun.I don't know what this pic is about or why I took it. But I have to include it.But here's a better one to make up for it.

If I get more pics emailed to me from the girls, I'll post those in another post. The next few pics were from Shawna's slide pics. I grabbed these just for the hell of it. Oh yeah, they are a little embarassing for yours truly.
I jumped in on this one without an invite.
Amazing what a few red bull and vodkas will do to a man.Have a good one and don't get none on ya.


Halloween at Newby's

So our Thursday Night Tactical Drinking team decided to meet on Tuesday last week for Halloween at Newby's. Despite a slow start by the rest of the crowd it ended up being a friggin great time. Here's a photo-essay to show you what went down. As always, I'll include explanations with the pics...when necessary. Enjoy.

Here I am with Miss MySpace 2006. Her first costume of the night (i.e. while she was working) was...well this. As you can see, words can not describe it.

Everbody's favorite Shady Lady V wanted to take a pic I would never forget. However, she was a little rough with the spout on my Box o' Pinot Grande wine costume. Does it look like I enjoyed that?Here I have explained a better technique. I'm happier and so is she...not that it matters.Here is where we "make nice." For some odd reason, the top front of my box was being pushed back. But do I look like I mind?Here's sweet K and her husband. She was white trash and he was a dirty frat boy. I thought he had a pretty generic costume until I noticed all the thongs hanging from his pockets. I wonder what his wonderful wife thought of him having all those? Hmm...HM showed up from another non-costume fiesta sans costume, because that's how he rolls. But Miss MySpace 2006 wasn't going to let that fly. She gave him the hat and said he was a Nascar driver on an off-day. We also have the Shady Lady V and the Shady Hasbeen in the pic. The former is Lindsay Lohan and the latter is Nicole Richie. You can tell by the skeletons on their shirts.McAsh wanted a pic with me. She came as a Dubya sign. And somehow the phantom shocker showed up in the pic.Here Scottie Too Hottie is trying to get a leg up on the situation. He recycled his costume from Friday night, and it looks like it still works.The Shady Hasbeen wanted to make sure that I could lift her Nicole Richie frame. As this pic proves, daddy can still take care of business.Here are two of the three girls who came dressed as Hef's girls (aka the girls next door on E).This is some guy in a homemade costume based on the rabbit in Donnie Darko.This guy put together this Col. Reb costume in less than a day he said. That rocks.This guy made friends with our Shady friends. However, I never learned what his costume was called so I'll just call him gay 80s Frankenstein.Our Shady friends also found this guy. How badass is that costume. The mouth actually moved too.I was able to get a pic of Gay 80s Frankenstein, Tall Headless dude, and two blonde silicone transports.Dr. Tucker Fadden, plastic surgeon, had to test these two to make sure nothing was going to explode.He also found two young ladies from his days before med school.He told Miss MySpace that she didn't need any work. I told him to send her to me for thorough exam. She does need to get a second opinion. She told me she'd bring the box o' wine this time.After she got off work, she changed into her Elvis getup. Here's a quick pic someone took with my camera before we got together for the pic. As you can see, she just noticed my spout.But she wanted me to wear her pompadour wig. Only for the pic, babe. There were a ton of great costumes. I didn't get them all, but there was this one dude dressed as Jesus. I wasn't going to get his pic, until this hot ass devil walked by. What's a guy to do? At least this guy knows how to bless with the shocker.There was also a hot mummy. I don't know why I took this pic, but I think it's a good way to end things.Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Songs on the Playlist:
The Clash - Rock the Casbah
The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go
The Corrs ft Bono - Summer Wine
The BoDeans - Good Things (live)
R.E.M. - (Don't Go Back To) Rockville
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss
The Corrs ft Bono - When the Stars Go Blue
R.E.M. - Losing My Religion
The Clash - Train In Vain (Stand By Me)
The Clash - London Calling
R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
Queen - Fat Bottom Girls
Talking Heads - Take Me To The River
Talking Heads - This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)
The Cult - Love Removal Machine
The B-52's - Roam
The Church - Under The Milky Way
Al Green - Here I Am (Come And Take Me)
Al Green - Love And Happiness
Al Green - Let's Stay Together
Al Green - Tired Of Being Alone
Otis Redding - Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay
Otis Redding - Try A Little Tenderness
Otis Redding - These Arms of Mine

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