Wednesday Recap, Looking to the Weekend

If you are looking for the HNT post, it is the next one down. If you’re looking for the thing on Britney, it’s two down.

So last night…

I raced home from work to change for a funeral visitation. My grandmother’s best friend, Ann Clark Quinlen, passed away Sunday evening. She was such a sweet lady who had a huge impact on my life. The Lord broke the mold when He made her.

After the visitation, I bought the birthday gift, raced home, and changed. We were supposed to meet at 7:30 because the birthday girl, JD, was going to get to Ronnie Grisanti’s at 8 (it’s an Italian restaurant, kind of a Memphis staple; it’s gotten a little expensive in the last few years, but it’s still great food). I am usually fashionably late to most everything. For surprise parties, I try to be on time. I got there at 7:35. No one else was there. After a while people started showing up. I think the majority of the crowd was there around 8:15. We were eating all the breadsticks we could find while waiting on the birthday girl, who didn’t get there until like 9. And she thought she was meeting just a few girlfriends for dinner.

It ended up being a great time. One of the best birthday parties I’ve been to in a long time. She was legitimately surprised. I talked to the guy she’s dating (I don’t know how to qualify it) about guns and blowing stuff up. Despite the high number of women there, we brought a lot of testosterone to the table.

A bunch of people said funny quotes, but immediately after that, someone would always say “Hey, Philip, that should go in your blog!” So I would intentionally forget the quotes. I don't throw in things that are said just I'll post them. I don't like fake quotes. I like real, spur of the moment quotes that are genuinely funny. The only quote I remember is when I said “Man, I’ve had just enough to drink to be charming. I’m not invincible yet.”
To which one of the girls (I think it was one of the three or four Ashley’s we had there) sarcastically replied “You’re charming?”
I said, “No, I’ve had enough wine to be charming. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be to you.” Yeah, I thought it was funny at the time. Apparently I'd had enough wine and vodka to think I was funny.

Then these two girls tried to give Scottie Too Hottie and me a hard time for being on MySpace: “So we’ve been watching Dateline and all they talk about anymore is the pervs on MySpace. So how many 14 year old girls have you met? Hehe.”
I think Scottie said something like “well that what I like about high school girls: I keep getting older, and they stay the same age.”
I probably told her something smartassed and then ignored her. I don’t remember what it was. It probably wasn’t that funny. Or maybe I told her how I’ve been able to reconnect with friends from high school and college that I lost touch with. I think that’s what I said. Now I’m going to two weddings in July because of it. I think that’s what I said instead of my natural smartass response.

One of the Ashley's tried to be funny (MS State Ashley). She pointed at a painting on the wall. Everyone looked and she tried to grab my glass of wine because hers was empty. I snatched it away and asked what the hell she was doing. She said "you know, if you were my friend, you'd let me have your glass." I said "honey, I've got lots of friends. I don't need any that try to steal my drink." She tried to put on a pouty act and I started talking to someone else. Not two minutes later, her next drink showed up and she was happy again.

Anyways, I had a great time and I’m glad I got the invite. Here are a few pics from the evening.
Here is the birthday girl with AL.
Here we have the birthday girls with Scottie Too Hottie and a two lovely ladies. I think someone said something that made Scottie Too Hottie start to laugh. I have no idea what though.Here is the birthday girl with the hottest dude there.So what’s next on the agenda? A lot of partying and very little blogging. Which sounds like a good thing to me. I leave tomorrow morning for New Jersey. I’ll be there for the Jackster’s wedding. I fly back Sunday evening and will drive to the lake. I’ll relax at the lake Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday I’ll come back to work for a 3 day work week. And I have no idea what’s going on next week except I’m meeting Scottie Too Hottie for drinks one evening after work.

So if this turns out to be my last post until next week, have a great weekend, get you some strange, and don’t get none on ya.



Songs on the Playlist:
The Who – My Generation (Live at Leeds)
Garth Brooks – The Night Will Only Know
Cowboy Mouth – How Do You Tell Someone
Pink Floyd – Speak To Me > Breathe
Saliva – Click Click Boom
REM – Losing My Religion
Jimmy Buffett - Love In The Library Kiss - Got To Choose
Jimmy Buffett - He Went To Paris

HNT

HOLY CRAP!!! I almost forgot it was Half Nekkid Thursday. I had actually sat down earlier this week and thought out what I was going to do for the HNT. This week's theme is a joke.

Why do women make bad engineers? Because they've always been taught that this is 6 inches:

Funny right? Ok, for those of you who are here looking for a recap of the surprise birthday party last night, I'll post that at the end of the day.

Britney Spears Posing Nude

Three or four years ago there was one headline that would have solicited a unanimous cheer from straight men across the globe:

Britney Spears Poses Nude For Magazine.

Simultaneously young boys across the country would have started puberty. That was a headline that we males hoped and prayed for. But alas it never came.

Fast forward to summer 2006 (i.e. TODAY). Britney (or Brit-Brit or Lurlean or Cleatus’s meal ticket) is more of a joke than anything. She is a poor white trash girl from the backwoods of Louisiana who made it big on being sexually suggestive in her actions and lyrics. She came to the height of celebrity status only to begin her ridiculously rapid decent back to poor white trash status (only now she has tons of money). She “falls in love” with Cleatus (Kevin Federline) and starts popping out babies left and right. But obviously she still craves the attention that she used to get. The paparazzi is still there, but the fans, well they’ve grown up and realize that she’s not that talented. She is more of a pop culture joke now. So what does she do?

She poses nude for a magazine.

Sorry Brit-Brit, but too little, too pregnant, too late. You know how some women look absolutely beautiful while they are pregnant? You’re not one of them. So please, fade into obscurity. For our collective sanity, just go away (and take Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay with you).

More On Cougars

I had written a nice post about my upcoming schedule. Then I realized none of it was a social calendar for local events so I have decided to rewrite this post about something better:

COUGARS!!!

Or at least a better definition for several readers who are still confused from the Saturday Recap. Of course we have our urban dictionary’s definition of a cougar. But several women readers were afraid they might fall into that category. K from yogacoffeeoutlook was afraid of what age she would become a cougar because she’s about to turn 32.

Let me explain it this way, not all women will necessarily become cougars. Cougars tend to have most of the following characteristics:
A raspy, whiskey voice from too many years of smoking and drinking straight whiskey.
They are divorced and/or separated AND instead of dating men their own age, they try to get younger men (younger as in there tends to be an age difference of at least but not necessarily 10-15 years).
They wear too much hairspray with long black roots (or gray roots) and obviously dyed hair. (note: if I can tell a woman has dyed hair, it is a bad job). They have poofed up hair, sometimes called Jersey Hair or Southaven Hair.
They spend too much time in the tanning bed, which long time ago in their 20s was ok, but in their 40s and 50s gives them the appearance of a leather hide.
They look like they were “ridden hard and put up wet.” In other words they tend to look rough.
They appear to have no class or self esteem.
Although they hunt for younger men, they can’t ever be categorized as a “Mrs. Robinson.” They don’t have any class or dignity. There is an allure for a Mrs. Robinson, the classy older woman who makes a real man out of the young man by teaching him how to make love like a sophisticated man. Cougars tend to be trashy.
They are not put together well. Too much makeup.
They have a strong lack of sophistication.
They tend to be in their mid to late 40s through their 50s (maybe even in their 60s?). They dress like they are 18.
They have a lot of plastic surgery.

Please note that NOT ALL older women who are interested in younger men are cougars. Any woman with any sophistication, is not a cougar. And note that there is nothing wrong with an older woman and a younger man. If you make each other happy, that’s great. But men, beware of the cougars.

Examples:
I think that Dannah Harryl would be a cougar just because she annoys the hell out of me. But someone else may not see her as a cougar. Same goes with Kim Cattrall’s character in Sex and The City. She could be seen as a cougar (only because we know of her open sexuality), but she’s really not. She’s a very open and independent woman. One woman that I know for a fact should always be characterized as a cougar (EVEN THOUGH she’s married) is Sharon Stone. Not Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but Sharon Stone the red carpet hasbeen. See this pic. It is a perfect visual example of a cougar:
Ok, I know Lindsay Lohan isn't a good contrast as she's headed to be a cougar one day probably. But doesn't it look like Sharon Stone is telling Lindsay "Hey, we need to go out sometime. You can be my wingman since I like guys your age." Again, I know she's married or something, but come on! Tell me she isn't a perfect candidate for Cougar of the Year.

Ok so you may not get it yet. Imagine that old single friend of your mom’s who used to come to stay with your folks once every year or few years. She’d flirt with you (or a brother) and it made you feel uncomfortable. You knew there was something “not right” about her, but you could never tell what it was. She could be a cougar. Or say one of your buddy’s moms was a divorcee and she always flirted with you and her son’s other friends. It always made you feel really uncomfortable. She might be a cougar. Remember that older lady at the restaurant the other night drinking the martini at the bar and eyeing any man without a woman on his arm? She’s probably a cougar.

Like most things in the world, the definition of a cougar is as varied as the crazy women we try to put in the category. So the lesson of this is to sit back and beware of any woman you think may be a cougar until you can tell for sure.

Songs on the Playlist:
George Strait – You Know Me Better Than That
The Grateful Dead – Looks Like Rain
Paul Simon – Me And Julia Down By The Schoolyard
Jack Johnson – Dreams Be Dreams
INXS – New Sensation
The Beatles – With A Little Help From My Friends
Patsy Cline – Crazy
The Who – Behind Blue Eyes
The Doobie Brothers – Long Train Running
The Cars – Shake It Up
The Gap Band – You Drop A Bomb On Me
Toad The Wet Sprocket – All I Want
Aerosmith – Angel
David Gray – In Your Eyes
The Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling

Saturday Recap

Ok, so my plan was to get to Newby's 9ish. I would hang out there and then head to Midtown to go to Rachel's friend's bday party at which point I would finally meet the infamous Rachel face to face. As you know the best laid plans tend to fall by the wayside. So here's what happened:

I did a ton of laundry yesterday. About 8 I called McAllister's to get some dinner. I always need food in my stomach before going out. I came home and ate. Decided to hang loose and finish a few things around the house. I had a few phone calls and finally jumped in the shower around 9:15. Remember I said I wanted to get to Newby's 9ish. Got dressed and had to wait for a load to get out of the dryer. I don't know what the hell happened, but I finally got to Newby's around 10:30. Somehow I wasted an hour and fifteen minutes between the approximate time I got in the shower and the time I arrived at the bar. WTF!?! That still makes no sense.

So I walk in and see NO ONE I know. Now I knew that BD & BG got there between 7 and 8. But they were no where to be found. The theatre side had some 18 & up show and I know damn well they weren't there. So I look around and see RD and Kat with two other folks. So I go say hey to them. Then I peak out onto the back patio and see a few familiar faces. I excuse myself and head out there. I find BD & BG along with a few other guys I know. I met this one kid who I'll call T. He was stupid drunk. Actually I couldn't tell if he was a genuinely stupid drunk or if he is just stupid. He added to a few funny stories. I'll save those for later.

So I hang out there for a while and head back in to the bar. While I was outside some other friend of RD's showed up. Her name was Tanya and she was a cougar. I mean the epitome of cougar. She seemed like she could be cool, if she didn't try so hard. But you know what, I had no desire to find out if she was cool. I did what I always do around cougars: I stayed the F away from her as long as possible.

Now I'm trying to remember this in chronological order, but I really feel like telling a few of the stories as I remember them.

Stories with T:
1. This first moment I knew this kid was a little screwy: I look over and it looks like someone has spilled an entire drink on him from the top of his right shoulder and it went all down the front of his shirt. I said "Hey man, do you have a drinking problem or did you piss someone off?" Everyone at the table looks and almost in unison say "OMG, you tried to throw that shot over your shoulder didn't you?" Apparently this kid was trying to keep from getting too effed up by throwing a jagermeister shot over his shoulder when no one was looking. Unfortunately, he was already so effed up he couldn't even do that.
2. This guy starts a random conversation in the middle of everyone else's conversations: "Dude, did yall see the sign at our house at Pickwick on Memorial Day?" Half of the people in the group were clueless as to what he was talking about and the other half started rubbing their temples like they had a headache. Apparently T put up a sign somewhere at his family's lakehouse facing the water that had a website address on it. I WILL NOT tell you the address. I made it a point to forget it after I heard what the website was: it is gay 80 year old man porn. Yeah you read that right. Octogenarian porn for gay guys. Who puts this stuff up? Who wants to see this? And how does this guy know this? And why did he admit that he knew this address? Those are questions that are still left unanswered. And frankly I don't want to know the answers. That's just messed up.
3. This is the final T story. I didn't witness it, but since it had happened just before I went back to the patio they were still yapping about it. He walked outside and sat on one of the picnic tables next to some hot chick. All of a sudden he ripped a ridiculous fart. It was apparently loud. The poor girl stopped her conversation with someone else, turned to T, and said "I'm sorry, but did you just fart?" His reply: "Yeah. Didn't you feel it?"

Cougar story:
The cougar and her cougar accomplice (yeah they were in a pack) kept cornering different folks in our group. No wait, I'm sorry they kept cornering different guys in our group. Let me explain something technical here. They belonged to RD's group. Her group consisted of 6 people who all met up together there (3 girls, 2 cougars, and a husband of one of the girls). My group really consisted of about 7 or 8 guys. The cougars were on the hunt and targeted our group. Well at least they were talking to us. One of them actually works with one of the guys in our group so I may be a little harsh here, but oh well. I didn't bring the 50ish divorcee to the bar and let her try to get all over any single guy I knew. So I can say whatever the hell I want here. So anyway they kept cornering folks. Finally around 1:45 the cougar cornered me. Here is that conversation:
Cougar to someone standing next to me (we were in a conversation): "Now I don't think I've met this young man yet. Who is this?"
Me: "AAAA! COUGAR!!!"
My Buddy: "This is Philip." He walks off. Thanks, dick.
Me: "AAAA! COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!! SOMEONE GET ANIMAL CONTROL NOW!"
Cougar: "Hehe. You're cute. Nice to meet you."
Me: "Nice to meet you too. COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!!"
Cougar: "I think you are funny." She hugs me.
Me: "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT! BAD TOUCH!"
Cougar: "I think I've heard RD talk about you before. I hear you're a funny guy."
Me: "COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!! Ok, it was nice to meet you. I'm walking away now. COUGAR!!!"
So my question to you dear reader, was that a little harsh? After a few jagerbombs, I didn't think so. This morning I didn't think so. This afternoon I still don't think so.

Darts Story:
Towards the end of the evening, I wandered into the game room where the darts and pool tables are. There was a crowd in there. I saw BG and PF playing darts with some random patrons.
Quick note: the random patrons had cougars with them. I don't know what the hell was going on last night. I guess the cougars of Memphis must have been in heat or something. Normally Newby's is full of my generation (i.e. 20s & 30s) late on Friday's and Saturday's. I don't get it.
So anyway, I wander into the dart area. I hadn't taken two steps into the room and I can feel the tension. Not the good kind of tension, but the fight tension. I turned to one of our guys who was standing there NOT DRINKING.
Me: "What is going on?"
Dude: "See that guy in the blue shirt? He's pissed at something and it is directed at either BG or BD. I don't know what they did or what they are doing, but he is not calming down."
Now this guy was about 45 to 50. Our group consisted of three 26 year olds and a few guys in their mid-30s. Plus we know the bouncers, bartenders, and other employees of the bar. So I knew that we wouldn't start the fight. But I could just see the intense anger in this guy's eyes. I stayed around for a few minutes trying to figure out what was going on. This is the gist of what went down. BG & PF went to play darts. Someone (either them or the other group of folks) decided to whip it out and see who had the bigger one, i.e. they decided to play against each other for money. $20 per side. I've never seen BG or PF play darts. Never. They were very drunk, happy drunk. Despite this and the fact that these other folks apparently play darts regularly (they kept using this "darts jargon"), they were losing to our guys. Our guys were getting some very lucky shots. Our guys ended up beating dude in the blue shirt and his wife/girlfriend/cougar. Our guys were happy and having a good time and this guy was pissed off. His friends eventually called him a dumbass for 1. betting 2. being a bad loser and 3. just killing their fun evening. He walked away sulking and I swear I overheard his lady friend say to one of her other girlfriends there "Yeah, I'm not giving it up tonight now." I laughed and walked back to the patio.

Overall I had a lot of fun last night. Unfortunately I didn't get that many pics. I did get a pic with everyone's favorite waitress, Lauren. She had left work and come back to party. She is a really cool chick. If she ever serves you, tip well. She works hard putting up with you.
Papa Top's West Coast Turnaround was badass. If you EVER get a chance to see them, do it. They really kick ass.

Ok, I'm going to do a little work now. Yall have a great Sunday and spend it relaxing dammit.

Songs on the Playlist:
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Gimme Three Steps
The Grateful Dead - Alabama Getaway
Jimi Hendrix - Fire
Jerry Jeff Walker - London Homesick Blues
The Who - Summertime Blues (live at Leeds)
O.A.R. - I Feel Home
Stone Temple Pilots - Still Remains
Janis Joplin - Me And Bobby McGee
Edgar Winter Group - Frankenstein
The Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Robert Earl Keen - Keep Swervin' In My Lane
Jimmy Buffett - Distantly In Love
The Rolling Stones - Have You Seen Your Mother Baby, Standing In The Shadows
The Who - I Can't Explain
Pat Green & Cory Morrow - It's A Great Day To Be Alive
James Brown - Papa's Got A Brand New Bag
Eric Clapton - Hey Hey
Bob Dylan - Tangled Up In Blue
Cream - Anyone For Tennis