Fashion Dog Owners Beware

There comes a point when you start to wonder aloud:

Should mandatory castration and/or a bullet between the eyes become legal?

What's that you say? How can I ask such a question? Well, as one begins to lose faith in society, one wonders if we should start speeding up the "Darwin" process a little. Take for example, the inventor of this crap:

Seriously, when did our society become so collectively retarded that we think this is a good idea? You want to carry a dog as you walk? THESE ARE CREATURES THAT HAVE LEGS!!! THEY ARE MEANT TO WALK!!! THEIR ANCESTORS ROAMED IN PACKS IN THE WILDERNESS. In case you didn't know "roaming" tends to involve a little bit of walking. Come on. The inventor of this should be shot. Well actually he should be shot after we shoot anyone who actually buys and uses this. I already hate the stupid carry bag for the mini-dogs (or as my dog Colonel calls them "Lunch"). But this is even worse. And now I have to ask at what point does it become necessary to carry your dog? He can't keep up when you walk? Well maybe you shouldn't take him/her with you. Let them be free and play in the backyard while you go wherever it is you go. These are domesticated creatures. Seriously, their ancestors are crying in shame wherever doggy ancestors are (doggy heaven maybe?).

I feel that all these people you see with dogs as fashion accessories (read: Paris Hilton and most other ditzy bitches in their late 20s and early 30s who carry "fashion doggies" with them everywhere) are going to drive us to have a social revolution. We, the people with good taste, will rise up as one entity and smite them. Yeah, I said smite. It's going to be so brutal that we'll go Old Testament on them. We don't need to just make them stop breathing as much as we need to utterly decimate them. Either that or make them the modern day social equivalent of lepers. That being said if you come around me with one of those little "shit dogs" that isn't as high as the bottom of my calf muscle, I will make fun of you like the breathing douchebag that you are. Trust me, it'll be brutal.

I apologize for this rant, but I needed to get this off my chest after seeing that damn pic. I do not mean to offend people with naturally small dogs. Just the jackasses with mini-whatevers. Please understand that I am a dog lover. I love dogs. I just don't understand why you want a dog that is the size of my foot.

FU Friday - Finally F'ing Up

Well Blogger has been f'ing up on this FU Friday, so if I can't post with my pic, then FU Blogger.

Now it's working. Today's real FU goes to highway construction traffic. You know the stuff that never ends. I appreciate the work they are doing, but damn if it doesn't take forever. And as soon as one project is done another opens. And it creates the worst traffic. I was in a rush yesterday and the construction traffic really didn't help so here's to highway construction traffic.

Happy F.U. Friday

Making Plans for the Weekend

So let's see, what can you do this weekend?

Friday night I'm probably heading over to the Memphis Hilton for the 8th Annual Spirit of SRVS. It's a Wine/Beer Tasting and Silent Auction. I went last year and was well overserved. That's not a reflection on the party. That's a reflection on yours truly in a room full of free booze. It's $45 for a great cause: SRVS is the Shelby Residential and Vocational Services. You can see their page here. They do a lot of good work. Hopefully they'll have some single 'talent' this year. It's from 6:30 to 10:30. That's four hours of eating and drinking for $45. You won't be able to beat that anywhere. Here's the flyer.

Saturday night has Poison and Cinderella at Mud Island. I won't be there. There'll be a lot of folks trying to recapture their youth, so have fun with that. It should be a badass show.

Saturday night also has the Phoenix Club of Memphis's party: The Speakeasy Martini Mixer and Celebrity Auction. Their flyer is in a .pdf file so I can't post it here. This fundraiser benefits the Boys and Girls Clubs of Greater Memphis. Here are the details:
7:30 doors open
9:30 auction begins (hosted by Zeke Logan of 98.1 the Max)
Located at Oaksedge, 1023 Cherry Road (corner of Park and Cherry)
Tasting room sponsors (read: food): Blue Fish, Buckley's, Erling Jensen, Felicia Suzanne's, The Grove Grill, The Majestic Grille, Murano's Italian Cafe, Owen Brennan's, Paulette's, and Stella
Other Sponsors: Delta Beverage (booze), Swig (more booze)
Attire: "Speakeasy Smooth" Business Casual
$100 per couple ($50 per person for those of you who don't do division well)
I'll probably go to this. 7:30 until whenever for $50 for all the food and drink I can handle. Thank you! Plus you know there's going to be a ton of 'talent' there. It'll be like going to the Grove for a football weekend.

Saturday night also includes Felix Fest. Always a great time out of our friend Felix's house. Unfortunately I moved within the last 6 months and I don't think he got my new address. He told me about it at the beginning of the summer but I never got my invite. I'm not crashing, plus I promised BG that I'd go to the Speakeasy party with him and the Mrs.

Did I miss anything?

HNT - I'd Rather Be...

This week's HNT comes courtesy of my new stress ball. Yeah, I bought a stress ball. I was shopping at Office Depot/Max/Whatever (is there even a difference?) and this was at the counter with the other compulsion purchases. I thought it was perfect. When I got it, it was smooth nylon/polyester. Now (three weeks later) it is kinda fuzzy from being used all day at work.

I figured that this would be perfect due to the high number of fellow HNT'ers who like the hands thing. So here you go. Happy HNT yall.

Rockstar Supernova Elimination Recap 8/23/06

Tonight's Rockstar:Tommy Lee's Unit episode was the elimination one. They started the show with a few filler pieces with a lot of drama. It seems (although this could just be the producers at work with fancy editing) that Dilana is a bit of a bitch. She is at odds with Ryan and she said negative things to the press about Lukas. Hello Drama! Ryan and Lukas both handled it very well and Dilana was left trying to save face. She used the only possible excuse for the press thing by saying that she's only human and made a mistake and blah blah blah. Anyone else think that you don't have to be genuine when you say that because it makes you look like you have such a strong personality? I think that's the only card she could play. (btw I think more of Ryan and less of Dilana now. Ryan was right though, you need to show respect to those above and below you. Hey Britney Spears! Take a hint you slut!)

Anywho, we finished dealing with the crappy drama, and it was time for another Supernova song. This time it didn't sound like an old T Rex song. Toby Rand sang "Be Yourself And Five Other Cliches." It was a good song. Much better than last week.

Continuity error: the press junket thing where Dilana basically called out Lukas to the press was after Toby sang. Dave was speechless and THAT'S when she gave the "I'm only human and I made a mistake" excuse.

So after more damn drama, we were onto the Bottom Three. Last night we saw Toby Rand, Patrice Pike, and Storm Large in the bottom three. Throughout the night of voting, there was one additional rocker in jeopardy: Alex Trabeck. Kidding. It was Magni, our favorite vein-popping Icelandic rocker. So now Brook Burke would show us the final Bottom Three one by one.

First up was Magni who grabbed his guitar to cover Jimi Hendrix's "Fire." He killed it. During the solo, he walked over to the lead guitarist and they played the solo in harmony. BADASS! I knew he was safe after that.

The second rocker in the bottom three was, you guessed it, Patrice Pike. She sang The Pretenders' "Middle Of The Road." She kicked ass. I think that was one of her best performances. She also cut her lip somehow while performing. She gave it her all...but was it worth it? (Hello cliffhanger!)

The third rocker was Toby Rand. WTF! He just sang with Supernova. People are stupid and voting poorly (Storm obviously thought the same thing as she was visibly shocked that he was the last one). He came out and did a rearranged version of Stone Temple Pilot's "Plush." Great version. He had Magni sing a line with him. He had some guys in the audience sing with him. Just overall badass. He has to be safe.

At decision time, they told Toby that if he was good enough to sing with them, he was definitely safe. Then Tommy "The Tripod" Lee let the axe fall and hit Patrice. I didn't like her at first and she kinda grew on me during some performances, but she definitely is in a different category than Supernova. She's more upbeat than their music will probably be (and has been).

What did you think?

Rockstar Supernova Recap 8/22/06

So we are down to the final 7 with 3 weeks left. And things are looking good. They showed the song selection which included the chance for two original songs. It started out that everyone wanted the original song. Magni (I think) was chivalrous and told everyone to give Patrice one of the original songs because she had been in the bottom three so much (can they take a hint and realize there may be a reason for that?). The other original song came down to Storm vs. Ryan. Storm eventually backed down and let Ryan have it so she could perform a difficult song that none of the other rockers wanted: Aerosmith’s “Cryin’.” The final fight over a song was Dilana v. Toby for The Police’s “Every Breath You Take.” This was the best fight. Toby said “run around the pool naked. I did it for you last week.” Not one to back down from a challenge, Dilana did it. She looks like she has a pretty good figure, btw. Afterwards Dilana looked at the smile on Toby’s face and said “that’s the best smile you’ve had all day.” Toby responded with the best line of the night: “it is, because I didn’t want that song.” How badass was that move?
After the flashback was over, we went through our usual introductions except Gilby brought Chopper…the Supernova mascot…a dog. Now, I’m a dog lover, but that’s not too cool for a rock band to have a dog mascot while auditioning on tv. Kinda stupid.

Patrice Pike kicked off the performances with her original song: “Beautiful Thing.” I thought it was pretty damn good, but like Dave, I felt it was too upbeat for Supernova. Dave said she would be better as a solo artist than fronting Supernova.

Magni popped up next to sing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Does anyone else feel like they are using way too much Nirvana? I love Nirvana, but I don’t want to see them butcher it over and over. Anywho, I thought he did a good job. Did anyone else think that he jumped into the lyrics too soon? Something just didn’t feel right about it. I also don’t like that song with two guitarists AND keyboards. Seriously do not play keyboards with that song! Most of my complaints for this show were not because of Magni, but because of the way the house band sounded on it. Magni brought the right amount of angst for the song. He understands it. It was good, but not exceptional.

Ryan Star sang his original song “Back of Your Car.” I felt this was more suited for Supernova than Patrice’s song because, as Ryan said, this is about screwing in the back of a car when facing the end of the world. At the end Ryan threw his guitar across the stage right after the judges had recommended Magni do that next week. That was pretty damn funny. It was an intense performance that I really liked. It was pretty funny when Dave said “what happened to you, dude?” Ryan came back with “I got laid, Dave.” Awesome. Great come back.

After the next commercial break (where’s my Heidi Klum commercial?), Storm Large came to sing Aerosmith’s “Cryin’.” I thought she did a damn good job, but I am pretty pro-Storm. So I sat back and watched/listened objectively. It was a great performance. She had good stage presence and her vocals were right on. And she didn’t slip up on the huge range that the song has. Great job. There was some sexual banter back and forth between Dave and Storm. And a bunch of other stuff. At that point I was ready to go to sleep so I really didn’t pay anymore attention to that crap.

Dilana followed Storm with The Police’s “Every Breath You Take.” What was up with those butterfly eyelashes? They were mesmorizing. I kept waiting for more close-ups so I could see them, but they were so huge that you didn’t need to zoom in. That was badass. Anywho, she was great as always. It kinda makes me wonder, can anyone pass her? I also thought I heard something funky in the song: when she got to the “de da da” part, was she actually singing “Di-La-Na?” On top of this badass performance she kicked more ass when she said there was a personal reason for choosing this song: she hasn’t spoken to her mother in years, and this is her mother’s favorite song. She hopes word gets back to her mom that she sang it. You know what, I think that was worth getting nude and running by a pool. Then either Tommy or Dave ruined that by bringing up the whole sexual stuff again. Don’t get me wrong, I love flirting. It is great. BUT this is an audition to lead their band. How can we expect Supernova to take a woman seriously when you have Tommy “The Tripod” Lee acting like a teenager in heat every time a woman acts strong and sexual in a performance. Is he going to jump out from behind the drums one night and go to town? As much of a great drumming addition to this band as he is, I wonder if he’ll be more of a distraction.

Toby Rand came out next to do his own arrangement of Derek and The Dominos’ “Layla.” Don’t try and tell me that it’s Eric Clapton’s “Layla.” Yes, he wrote it, but he originally did it in the original supergroup Derek and the Dominos with Duane Allman. It was slow in the beginning and he didn’t really have the crowd. I initially thought this would put him in the bottom three, but he all of a sudden kicked it up a notch. He threw of his hooded sweatshirt (shot at Ryan maybe?) and is topless with “EVS” written on his chest. He runs into the crowd and over to the rockers area. He is intense and tries to get the audience to sing with him. They kinda go for it, but there are no mikes for the audience sound during the songs so we can’t hear them. Dave renames Toby “the thunder from down under.” They asked him what was the significance of the “EVS,” and he said in Australia it means “whatever.”

The last rocker to perform was the Lemur King, Lukas Rossi. He sang The Killers’ “All These Things That I’ve Done.” I’ve never heard that song and his performance wasn’t enough to make me want to get it. He had his bad gargling/marbles-in-mouth voice during the verses, but actually sang during the first chorus or two. Then he went back to the crappy vocals. The one funny thing he did was fixing his hair in the mirror on one of the guitars. Dave or Gilby chastised him for turning his back to the audience too much during his performances (I agree).

The initial bottom three were Patrice, Storm, and Toby. I don’t get that, but we all know that it’ll probably change.
My guess for the final bottom three are Lukas, Patrice, and Magni. I really don’t think Magni should be there, but I can’t find anyone else to drop down there.

What did you think?

My weekend: Parties, Ricky Bobby, Crazy Cabbies, and Swimming

So Friday night a ton of us (6+ tables) went to Café Ole in Cooper/Young for CH’s bday. For those of you who were wondering, he did get ALL his presents. I only gave him two cigars though.
But before I get to that though, I have to tell you about the cab ride. So the cab driver picks me up first. We start talking about the neighborhood I live in and how cool it is. He said “yeah, I live around the corner in (a building I’m not going to name).”
I said “wow, my great-grandmother used to live there. Of course she was really old, almost a hundred at the time and nearly burned down the kitchen.”
He said “really what was her name?”
It was at that point that I decided to get amnesia: “You know, I can’t really remember her last name.” That’s a complete lie: her last name is my last name.
He said “Well I bought it years ago for my folks…(yada yada yada)…and then last year, I moved back to Memphis since I owned it and my parents passed away. We bought it from some old lady named (my last name).”
I said “huh…”
We picked up KK, the Shady Lady, and the Shady Hasbeen. I was afraid one of them was going to say my last name or something. We get out of the cab at the restaurant and I tell them the whole story. Kinda blows their minds like it did mine.
Dinner was pretty uneventful. We just talked and talked and drank. I left early because I had to get up early to set up for the party Saturday night. Here is a pic from the dinner.
I caught another cab home and shared it with the Shady Hasbeen. We dropped her off first and then I headed home. We talked about how she was going to see Poison and Cinderella and I had no desire really. Larry the cabbie piped up and told us stories about how he used to drive for Poison and Chippendales’ models back in the 80s (he swears they were all straight and had really hot girlfriends). He was driving Poison’s bus when they first went on tour as the opening act for Cinderella. He was in the tour bus when Johnny Paycheck shot some dude in the bar. Our cab driver was a friggin piece of rock history! I told him he needed to write a book. He said “boy, if I did, I’d have people coming out of the woodwork to sue me.” We swapped info, and he emailed me a few pics from the ol’ days. Here are a few of them:
After I got home, I got on a long phone call while smoking a cigar and drinking some wine outside. After I got off that call, another phone call came in. Several unnamed sources are trying to get me to come over to swim. I explain my dilemma about getting up early and being productive. They call my BS and tell me to get over there. I change and head that way. We drink and swim for a few hours and then call it a night.
Saturday I work most of the day getting ready for the ‘rent’s 30th anniversary party. I basically worked on that from 2:30ish until 10 when I left. It was a great party with a lot of stories told. Great time with the family. When I finally got home I was exhausted. I was fending off invites to swim again or go see Miami Vice or go to Newby’s or go to Yosemite Sam’s. I had to explain how tired I was and all. Everyone was ok with it…except one person. But I won’t go into that or else I’m going to have to hear about it from several people.
Sunday I spent most of my time doing boring stuff: laundry and dishes. I did hit the gym and swim over 20 laps non-stop (I have a certain goal I have to meet by the beginning of October). I promised AL that I’d go with him and a bunch of folks to see Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Sunday night. Well he was going to be in charge of inviting everyone. In the end I got a call around 6:45 from him. He was just getting home from skeet shooting and had forgotten to invite anyone. Oh well. He did invite the Shady Hasbeen. So it was just the three of us. Here’s my review: funny ass movie. I went in without any expectations. Everyone I talked to who went in thinking it was going to be a badass movie was disappointed. I went with a different approach. And I’m all about the shake and bake. I’m going to go again just to catch all the one-liners. The sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, were the best. I think they had the funniest damn lines of the whole movie.
Anyway, I’m gonna jet.

Have a good one and don’t get none on ya.

PS I did yell “COUGAR” at the screen during the movie.

A Dear Friend Has Died

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as Knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin or sun lotion to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims did. Common Sense took a beating when you could not defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Image of Hope

In lieu of writing a long ass post about the weekend, I'm putting this up. I'm too damn busy to do it right now. Check back later.And for whomever didn't understand the Sharpie Ban on the previous post, LOOK AT THEIR EYEBROWS.