So I know this is long overdue, but back off bitches. I don't have all the free time to just sit around anymore. And with the new job (which kicks ass) I have to be at work at 7 everyday so I can't really stay up late to post recaps of shit. But I'm doing it tonight just because I feel I need to.
So I don't remember what the hell I did Friday night. I think I swam and that's it. Let's just move onto Saturday. I was at Schnucks when I got a text from the Mabeline girls: "what better way to spend a cold rainy Saturday than drinking? we're at the blue monkey". I finished shopping and headed home to take a shower and change. I headed to the Blue Monkey in Midtown for a little afternoon inebriation. This was about an hour and half after they first contacted me (we got a ton of groceries). I walked in and they were gone. About that time Shannon the FD called me. Apparently he had just finished a defensive driving class and wanted to go get a drink at Celtic Crossing (note this was at 3PM). After maybe 20 minutes, Mendi walked in with a friend from Nashvegas. I really wish my camera at that point because Mendi was wearing what she called "Han Solo boots." The only difference between them and her normal Hooker Boots is the heel. I don't get it. We had a drink with them and Mendi's buddy Will. It was at this stage of the day that someone (who will remain nameless) said "He's got some vag down there waiting on him."
After a while Shannon and I headed down to Silky's to meet up with the Mabeline girls (who had finally texted me to let me know they went downtown). We walked in and had a few beers with them. Again I wish I had my camera because it turns out that women in the fashion industry go drinking in sweats. Wait, didn't they ask me not to tell anyone that?
We stayed until about 6. I headed home to get some grub. I had been invited to attend a fundraiser with the Ptolemy royalty that night. It was the black tie/tennis shoes skit party. I wasn't going to go until I found out that it was open bar AND was in Germantown near my house. Sounded like one hell of an idea. I ate a little chinese to sober up. Then I had my first Red Bull & Vodka. The brother and I piled into his car and head up there. About the time we pulled up, I got a phone call from the Shady Lady V who was a main character in the skit. She told me that I too was going to be a part of the skit. Not just any part, but I had the role of the narator. This was about 8 or 9 when we got there. I had been drinking since three with only an hour pause. I told her this and stressed the fact that if they put a microphone in my hand, I'd be more than able to say any damn thing I wanted. And yet they still let me go through with it. So I had a few vodka tonics and waited on my turn to use the microphone. Unfortunately they had a script for me to read. They had a skit loosely based on Monty Python & the Search for the Holy Grail. It was funny none of the actors used a mic and the crowd wouldn't shut the hell up. But I used my best british accent and didn't screw up. Unfortunately I didn't do anything stupid either.
After a few more skits were over, the judges got together and chose the best two while the band played (band = The Plaintiffs; they were great). For some reason some of the judges were rappers or something...I think. The only one I knew for sure was Lord T of Lord T & Eloise who (SHAMELESS PLUG!) are playing at Newby's this Friday night. Here's a pic with Lord T from Saturday night.Lord T actually was a few years older than me in high school. Funny side note, one of my 8th grade teachers was busted for pot and coke last weekend. Even funnier part was, he never seemed like a big drug kinda guy. He was more of the redneck teacher from Arkansas.
Anyhoo, after the head judge finally stopped delaying the decision, the band cranked back up and everyone danced. Some of my friends got on stage. Including Queen Valet.
I tried to get several pics. Unfortunately none of them were actually worth using. Yeah they were unflattering, but not the funny kind of unflattering. So I didn't use them. But I do think that's a great pic of Ptolemy's Queen dancing.
After the dancing finally stopped, the Ptolemy group argued amongst ourselves as we tried to decide where to go next. We finally decided on (surprise) the Brookhaven Pub. The brother wanted to make a detour home first. As soon as we got there, he said his head was spinning and was going to call it a night. I was not so smart. I grabbed another Red Bull and headed to B'haven. I'd tell you who all were there, but I never took a pic and was pretty damn drunk. I know the following were definitely were there: Kat, Duchess Christie, WR, Shady Lady V, and A McCleavage. There were another 4-5 folks but I can't remember exactly all of them. Christie took pics, but I still haven't seen them. She got a great pic of A McCleavage which justified my comment (more on the comment later).
There was a great country band playing too. Not radio country, but more outlaw country (Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Robert Earl Keen). Someone told me their name, but I can't remember it. I decided to head back home at 2. I stopped at McDonald's to get two cheeseburgers, but the bastards wouldn't take my order. They stood at the window and looked at me while I sat at the intercom. The lights and the order screen were on. The place was still lit. If you're going to close, please turn off some of the outside lights.
I was so pissed I couldn't get any late night grub, I decided to stop at Doc Watson's for another beer. I walked in and got a beer. There weren't many people there because it was about 2:15. There was this one guy at the end of the bar. I made a comment about the bridal party in the corner of the bar who were so collectively drunk that they couldn't throw a bottle and hit the ground. We started telling very inappropriate jokes. I'd tell one then he'd tell one. Then he told this really awful Jewish joke. It was so bad that I was a little embarassed. But he validated it by saying "it's ok, I'm Jewish. So I can tell it." So I told an Episcopalian joke:
Satan is giving this new soul a tour of hell. They come to a giant pit full of people writhing in agony. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Catholics who ate meat on Fridays during Lent."
They walk a little further until they come across a pit even bigger than the previous one. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Baptists who drank and danced."
They walk further and come across a bigger pit that's so vast the other side wasn't visible. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Episcopalians who used the wrong salad fork."
I know that's pretty tame, but that's where we started. It went well downhill from there. I closed down the bar after several rounds of wonderful, tasteless jokes and headed home at 3. So I had a nice Saturday marathon of partying: 3 in the afternoon until 3 in the morning. Needless to say Sunday I woke up with one hell of a hangover. But I knew I had to fight through it and head to the Ptolemy Poker Run downtown with the brother.
After we got down there, I grabbed a bloody mary before we signed in. It was really good, but TJ Mulligans puts this red salt stuff on the rim of the glass. If you don't use a straw, it gets all over your face. When we signed in, I ran into A McCleavage who told me of the comment I made the night before at Brookhaven. Supposedly I told her to put her cleavage away. I really wish I had the pic that Christie took of the table because you'd see what I'm talking about. There's cleavage and then there's CLEAVAGE.
I kept trying nurse my hangover while we waited for the Poker Run to actually start. For those of you who don't know how it works, pay attention:
At the starting point (TJ Mulligans) you are given a clue for the first location (read: BAR). Then you head there get a card in an envelope and a clue for the second location. You do this 5 times until you get 5 envelopes and can head back to the starting point. Of course you drink at each stop.
In previous years they had always used bars along/near Beale St that I'd been to before. This year there were bars I'd never been to: Sauces on Main, BB Kings on Beale, and the Majestic on Main. I really like Sauces (they have great mojitos). I'll definitely head there next time I'm downtown. I was impressed with BB Kings. It's laid out to be a great blues bar. I know it sounds weird, but I've never gone in there because it always seemed more for the daytime tourists. But it's cool. I was already feeling great when I got to the Majestic so we decided to head back to TJ Mulligans.
Here are a few pics I took while we were on Beale:
This is a kid doing backflips down Beale. My camera wasn't fast enough to catch him when he was on his hands, and he wouldn't do it again until we put money in his bucket. I told him sorry, but all I had was a debit card and I was going to use that for drinking.
We were headed to Alfred's when this dumbass in a white explorer/cherokee decided to head south bound on Third Street. For those of you unfamiliar with downtown Memphis, Third Street is one way. There are tons of signs telling you that. And this hoople-head headed the wrong way. Fortunately there were cops sitting at the intersection's baricades and pulled him over. I don't think he had to take a DUI test though. He was just your average redneck old man blinded by the bright lights of the city.
In keeping with tradition I ordered a Diver at Silky's with plenty of straws. The brother got a dozen oysters on the half shell. And I found out the basic recipe of a diver...we think. You take a the bucket full of ice and set it under a flowing tap. You then pour tequila, vodka, rum, etc. in followed by some grenadine. Unfortunately it's more ice than anything. But it's always fun.
That's all from Sunday.
Wednesday was the brother's birthday. So Dad cooked ribs. Here's a great shot of the ribs. That's about four or five slabs. They were great. I hurt myself on ribs last night. Oh, and there are some left. No you can't have any. I'll be eating those all weekend.
Ok that's enough. I'm going to bed.
Have a good one and don't get none on ya.