My Liver Hurts from this Weekend

There comes a point every so often in a person’s life when shit just happens. You accidentally go out drinking on an empty stomach. You black out. You spend too much money buying your table drinks. Those are all inconsequential. The flat out truth is that I made a complete ass of myself Friday night. I’ve heard about it. I don’t remember it. No, this isn’t one of those “hehe I don’t remember…” cop outs. This is a legit thing. There are parts of Friday night I don’t remember. I’ve gone through the camera and don’t remember some of the pictures. I have also done something I’ve never done before. I deleted pics off the camera. Why? It was best for all involved that those pics never see the light of day. I am not just protecting me, but other people involved.
So enough of that crap, let’s start off recapping Friday night. I get home from the pool about 7-ish. The SRVS fundraiser starts at 7:30 (I didn’t get there until 8:40). I jump in the shower and get dressed.
I called a cab. Apparently not all of the customer service folks there understand English. I understood her, but she was a little slow. I said “P-H-I-L-WOOD”. She kept trying to find “T-H-I-L-WOOD.” I even did the “Paul-Harry-India-Larry” thing. She didn’t get it. That was a waste of a good ten minutes. Then her supervisor called me back and said they were having trouble finding “THILWOOD.” I said it was Philwood and he said “oh, I know where that is. We’re cool.” Yes, yall are cool. Now send her back to kindergarten and we’ll be a lot cooler.
As soon as I get off the phone, I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything, but a hamburger for lunch. I made myself a quick turkey sandwich (bread, meat, cheese, and mustard). The cab pulled up and I headed on. The driver was cool. He was just telling stories of drunks in his cab (most of which I could never post because they were so good/indecent). I pull up and head in.
I start running into all kinds of folks I know. There were family friends there and Ptolemy friends. Kat and her friends were there. HM was working at one of the booths. I ran into one of the folks we tailgate with. He mentioned that they had a few Ole Miss footballs on the silent auction (they also had Tennessee and Tiger High stuff). I went down there to find three Ole Miss footballs: one signed by the new quarterback Brent Schaeffer, one by All-Badass linebacker Patrick Willis, and one by the entire coaching staff. They had a ton of other stuff from the Cardinals and the Grizzlies as well as all other kinds of pro-athletes. All I wanted was the P-Willie football or the coaches football. I got both. How? Well it was a silent auction. I put down my bid number and walked away. They announced over the speakers that we had 30 seconds until they were pulling the bid sheets. I walk back to find that I am winning the coaches’ ball, but there is some lady writing her number below mine on the P-Willie sheet. I stand there and wait as she turns to walk away. I walk up and write my number down. She asks “are you trying to outbid me?” I replied, “yes ma’am, I am. Sorry.” She comes back with “well, I just had two sons graduate from Ole Miss.” I said “well ma’am, I graduated four years ago. My brother graduated this year, and my sister is in school there as we speak.” She said “oh…” and walked away. Sorry. So I won two footballs instead of just one.
After that, I walked back over to where some friends were and then I saw Jerry “The King” Lawler. So I got my pic taken with him. Yes, I look pale next to him, but then again I don't spend any time in a tanning bed. And I don't have the Superman curl. But you know what? I'm still sexier than he is.
Then we kept drinking. Here’s how the fundraiser went (after one sandwich and nothing else to eat): wine, wine, beer, wine, wine, wine, beer, beer, champagne, wine, champagne, champagne, wine, and wine. I don’t know if that is the exact count, but that’s about the right ratio. How I didn’t get sick, I will never know. So I was going to call a cab and take the footballs home. Well Kat and her friends insisted (I think) that they could give me a ride to Brookhaven and we could put the footballs in the truck where they’d be safe. As soon as we walked up to the car, KC started throwing a sales pitch at me. Apparently she wants to sell her Volvo. So there was an ongoing sales pitch the entire way to the bar. I guess “no, I don’t want to buy your f-ing car; I like my truck” doesn’t automatically count as a no. The only reason I mention this is because she couldn’t take the key out of the ignition when we parked it. Literally. We park and she can’t take it out. So I’m standing there, intoxicated, listening to three women try to figure out how to turn off a car and take out the key. I really can’t make this shit up. After about three minutes, I say “look, I’ll show you how to do this.” I get in the driver’s seat, back the car out of the space, pull back in, DOWNSHIFT THE GEARS ON HER AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, put it in park, turn off the ignition, and remove the key. They were all dumbfounded. I think when they asked how I did it, I mentioned something about it being tied to the Y chromosome or something. I went inside to find the Shady Lady and the Shady Hasbeen. Brown and Elise were also inside. She and I were supposed to get a pic together because she’s dying to make it on here, but that never happened.
Now let me say that between the beer at Brookhaven, the shots I ordered, the Red Bull and vodka, AND the wine at the wine tasting, I blacked out some point at Brookhaven. I’ve remembered a few things, and have been told about many. So to make it easy (on my memory) I’m going to post a few pics and tell what’s happening. I’ll include a few stories that I remember.
Ok, because Blogger is messing up, I'm only posting two pics. This first was is me holding a dollar. APPARENTLY I thought it was a good idea to dance with a dollar in my mouth. I need to stop drinking so much.
Here is a pic a Newby's that I don't remember. I really need to stop drinking so damn much. Saturday night: I apparently missed a lot of drama among married women and shady single women. Thank God. I ended up recovering all day Saturday and blew off all parties Saturday night. I went over to HM’s house. He had cooked a badass pot roast. After that we headed to another house. Then I cut out and went home to bed.
Sunday was uneventful. I did catch Beerfest. It was good. I can’t tell if it was better than Talladega Nights or not. But I recommend going to see both. You’ll like Beerfest if you liked Super Troopers.