Merry New Year!!!

That's right I said it: Merry New Year!!! If you haven't seen Trading Places with Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy, then you don't get it. And if you haven't seen that comedy, you need to get a serious readjustment to your movie viewing priorities. Forget going to see I Am Legend or Alvin and the Chipmunks (they probably suck) and borrow that damn film from any of your friends. They probably have it.

Anywho, I'm going to skip over a few things from November that although they are funny, I don't feel like taking the time to tell them. I'd rather get to the Holiday Season. Or if you are like many of us and hate living in a politically-correct world, the Christmas Season. There I said it. If I disappear, it's because the PC-nazi-police kidnapped me. If that happens, have a good one and don't get none on ya.


On December 1st I went to the Ptolemy "Holiday" Party downtown. After the party wound down, I went to Spindini with a group from the party. Of course I was still wearing my Santa hat which drew looks of shock and disgust from the pretentious crowd at this supposed downtown hot spot. I ask you, dear reader, how they can get away with judging my Santa hat while we can't mention the miriad of surgical accessories they were displaying, including but not limited to lifted/enlarged bossoms, tightened faces, tucked posteriors, enlarged big toes, hair transplants, and botoxed thumbs. I had a group of folks who were waiting for me in East Memphis at Old Venice Pizza Company. I headed that way to meet up with folks and catch the incredible Roxanne Lemmon. I used to live next door to her in Midtown and have been promising her for over two years now that I would get off my lazy ass and go see her live. I have to say it was well worth it. Anyway on to the pics from that night. I have only one pic from the Ptolemy party, and it didn't turn out that well. So I'm starting my second post in a row with a girl posing in a "Look at me!!! I need attention!!!" picture. This is Theresa (I think), and it happened to be her birthday that night Here's me with part of the group at Old Venice. And you can see the Santa hat too.

Here's the birthday girl again.

Part of the reason I got the pic with her Michelob Ultra is because that is a very important Ultra. It propelled me to the rank of "you're an asshole" status. Now I will admit that's a lot of responsibility for just one beer. Especially a beer as crappy as a Michelob Ultra. Let me explain: the bar was crowded and there were only three bartenders. Actually only two of those bartenders were attempting to work from time to time. So when they finally came to us, my buddy Sam bought a round for all of us. Despite the fact I heard him order the Ultra, the bartender never brought it. It took a few minutes for birthday girl to realize this. Then she started to ask why we all had drinks and she didn't. I turned and got the bartender's attention to order it because I was standing at the bar. The bartender brought it, and I gave Birthday Girl her beer. She looked at me and said something like "about time" with a bit of attitude. I let it slide for a second until she tried to snatch my Santa hat. When I sarcastically told her to say pretty please first, I reached the pinnacle of "you're an asshole" status to her. And I really didn't care. I just laughed every time I got the evil eye for the next thirty minutes. Then she finally forgot why she was mad at me.

Here's a pic later in the night. Nothing like shots on your birthday right?

Here's a pic of the Roxanne Lemmon Band. I personally call her Foxy Roxy, but everyone knows her as Roxanne. She's the one in the middle playing the guitar.

So that was the official kickoff for the Christmas Party season 2007. The next party I took my camera to was a Tacky Xmas party thrown by a couple of guys I went to high school with. You were supposed to dress up in really bad Christmas outfits. There were people dressed like Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. There were guys who went and got really tacky turtlenecks from the women's department at Wal-Mart. The ideas were hilarious. I spent more time drinking and talking than actually taking pics of everyone's outfits. But here's one couple. You can see his sweater but I didn't get a good pic of her outfit.

I ran into the "Fun Davis" sister. But after that night, we have changed her nickname to Dropsy...I think. She tried to give a friend a hug and dropped a beer bottle in the middle of the laundry room. I'd change her nickname to Spilly but that's reserved for the originally Spilly from my college days. Here's a pic of the guilty parties trying to clean up the glass next to the 5 gallons of eggnog. Yeah, it was strong eggnog.

Sorry some of the pics are blurry like this. Don't ever buy a Sony Cyber Shot camera. They suck.

There were a couple of girls in charge of the music with an Ipod outside. It was like listening to the thoughts of an ADD kid. One minute they'd put it on hip hop and then they'd put it on rock. But they finally landed on "Crank That" by Soulja Boy. Of course they knew the dance. I got a few pics of them dancing. These two girls actually did a good job.

Then this new girl jumped in and knew a little bit of the dance. That was the most comical part of the whole dance. She'd keep bumping into them and apparently doing it wrong, but she'd never stop and try to correct herself. Hey, everyone had fun so who cares right?

Everyone's favorite Memphis Celebutante Mendi was there of course. Here's a pic of yours truly with her. The antlers, sweater, and scarf are nice, but I wish I had a pic of her elf stockings. Those were classic.

We always have to keep up with our traditional shot pic. But there was nothing to shoot. Our drink choices were limited to wine, beer, and eggnog. So I chugged beer while she chugged wine.

This is a pic of one of the hosts, 3D. I'm not sure exactly what he was doing, but I think he may have had a spark land in his hair or something. They had two fire pits going, and that's really the only logical explanation I can come up with for this pic.

Here's Mendi again. No, Mendi! He's not a candy cane! That's just the wine talking to you!

No matter how gangsta you are, sometimes you just need someone's extra large glasses to make your gangsta image stand out that much more.

After the cops shut the party down (how old are we?), some the walking wounded including myself went to Newby's. Some genius (not me) said we needed shots. Some other genius (this was me) decided to buy a round of jager shots. Ugg. There were 12 of us. I bought 12 shots. And yet even though "everyone" took their shot, there was one left. Hmm...

No one was stupid enough to actually drink it so it was there after we left the bar. It was one hell of a party, and I'd like to thank those guys for having me there.

A few weeks later I went to a Christmas party thrown by a few guys from work. I'll post the video of this in my next post, but here are the Steps of Doom. There are two reasons for that name. For the first you'll need to see the videos. The second is because the damn bottom step was not as deep as it should be and the rest are very unsteady. So that makes walking up and down them very fun.

The last holiday party I went to was again downtown at JK's on December 23rd. I was probably the youngest person there, but it didn't really bother me because there were plenty of friends there. I had been hunting early that morning and the morning before in Tunica with Scottie Too Hottie (now known as Sloppy Scotty in honor of the appetizer at the Brookhaven Pub). Down on the farm there are several trees where mistletoe grows so one of the guys with us, Ford, shot down some. And when I say some, I mean a ton. Ol' Sloppy Scotty brought several bunches to the party and left them around the party. Most of us let them hang from our Santa hats. After most of the crowd started to leave, one of the guys hooked up his laptop to the stereo and they moved the coffee table from the middle of the living room. I'm kinda glad he did, but part of me wishes he hadn't. Why the conflicting feelings? Because although I said the girls above had ADD DJ syndrome, this guy actually did. He was HORRIBLE. He'd let 30 seconds of a song play and then skip to the next one. So you'd start dancing and then the music would stop. Everyone in our group was complaining loudly but he never paid any attention. He kept ruining the mood.

There were certain songs he'd play completely through though. One was that Soulja Boy song (twice in one post!). I tried to do a little bit of the dance based on what I saw at the Tacky Xmas Party (somehow the vodka I had been drinking messed up my good judgement). I was quickly told I was wrong by one of the women at the party (she's the second from the left in the next picture). The fact that she said it isn't that great, but the way she said it is priceless:

Her: "Look, you're doing it wrong. You have to do it like this." (she shows me)

Me: "I don't think you're right."

Her: "I have a 13 year old son. Trust me, I know this dance."

I really wanted to tell her that her son was born before I was even out of high school, but I really didn't want to ruin her Christmas by making her feel that old. So I just said ok and let her keep dancing while I stood to the side with my friends until the next song.

So we kept dancing. Sloppy Scotty put his moves out on the dancefloor. I have to say, no one will ever mistake him for Fred Astaire. Here's a pic of him with DD.

Here's the final pic I took that night. It's Ford and Brooks standing on the sidelines while all the old women were on the dancefloor going crazy for "Baby Got Back."

Despite what you may be thinking, I believe Ford is probably saying what the rest of us were thinking: most of those women didn't need to dance to that song and draw any more attention to their "backs." Btw we did have a nice conversation trying to figure which ones were cougars and which ones were future cougars (I told you I was probably the youngest person there).

I hope you had a fun Christmas Party season. I'll try to get the videos up tonight or tomorrow, but you know I can't promise anything.

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

So I've been MIA for a while. I know it. I don't really take all the blame because Blogger just wasn't cooperating. I got frustrated and just stopped trying. But I had an early dinner tonight and while watching TV started working on this "Best Of" post. So here are a few highlights of things that I've meant to get to.

We'll start with the Florida at Ole Miss football weekend. SEC football fans tend to back their teams. We back our teams through thick and thin. Hell, I'm an Ole Miss fan who has put up with a lot this season. But I think this guy may back the Florida Gators even more than anyone ever: What do you think? I probably shouldn't have led off with that but it's first in chronological order. Plus it's damn funny and I hope I don't have to explain the pun attached to this.

Next is a pic of one of our tent regulars who came by on her 21st birthday weekend. I'll give you one guess as to which person in the pic spilled their drink four times in a row after refilling it.

No, you jackass. It was her. No matter how overserved I've been at the tent, I've never spilled my drink...more than once.

Next is a pic from when I went dove hunting one afternoon in September down in Tunica, MS. Isn't that beautiful?

Yeah, the scenery was beautiful. But my shooting was abismal. I went through five boxes of shells and shot 3 doves. I found one. Do the math. That's 125 shots for one dove. The other two were weird. The second dove fell into the sunflower plants a few dozen rows away. I never could find it. That really makes me mad. I hate waste. I searched up and down the rows for 10 minutes but couldn't find him. The third landed at the top of a crest in a tilled field. For those of you who've never left the urban area of your respective cities, a tilled field is one which has only dirt on top. The ground has been churned over. In other words the bird landed at the top of a slight rise in the dirt. I saw it fall and another man saw it fall. When I walked to where it was supposed to be, it wasn't there. The other hunter came over and we walked around on top of the exposed dirt to find...nothing. I've never seen or heard anything like this. Weird, right?

This next pic is from the Ptolemy Fall Party (Old School Party) at Ernestine and Hazel's. It was a blast. On the right is Amy "The Fun Sister." I'm not sure who the girl on the left is.

Here are those two again with Beth and her unseparable tiara.

After that party, I packed to head up to Minneapolis for a work seminar. It was a whole lot of classes and a whole lot of partying. You know who were some of the coolest folks I met? The ones from Canada. Not only can they drink but they would say "Eh" and "aboot" all the time. I'd laugh and say "Yall are hilarious. I love your accents." They would in turn reply "Oh my God, it's my first 'yall'." That went on for one long night at the bar.

The last night in Minneapolis I went with a group to the Mall of America. It was awesome. They actually have roller coasters inside. But if my town was frozen for 9 months out of the year, I'd probably build a mall with roller coasters inside. Seriously, how can you justify living somewhere that requires you, due to the severe climate, to PLUG YOUR CAR INTO THE OUTLET IN YOUR GARAGE OVER NIGHT SO IT STARTS IN THE MORNING? Human beings aren't meant to live like this. Is this supposed to be a test of a communal strength? Or are these people so bat-shit crazy that they think the rest of the world is like this? Do they think Jamaicans live on the beach in the sun from June to August before hibernating the rest of the year? Of course they couldn't! Their dreads would snap off sometime around December 27 from being frozen for 4 months straight! That is of course if they didn't snap their owner's neck from the increased weight over that time.

Anyhoo, one thing they do that I thought was cool is a Promotion called "Disco is Dead." That's pretty cool. These posters were up everywhere in the mall.

By the way, people in Minnesota have no sense of humor. They are very dry and not overly sociable. At least the ones I ran into. Maybe I'm spoiled from living down South. But if you made a witty quip, they'd just stare at you until you gave them a straight answer. Before you automatically say 'well maybe you just weren't funny, Philip' this is an conversation between a waitress at lunch and one of the other seminar attendees from Jackson, MS.

Lady: "Are you finished with your plate?"
Guy: "Well, I was contemplating finishing the rest of my corn off the cob, but maybe I'll opt for the dessert plate instead. I think I can lick that clean.

Lady: "..."

Guy: "Um, yes ma'am. You can take it."

Oh yeah, they don't have any hot sauce at restaurants. The only type of sauce they have is A1. And that won't help the bland food.

Ok that's enough bashing of the Minneapolis. They were nice people, but just different from what I'm used to.

A week or so later was the Alabama at Ole Miss weekend. I went down Friday night for a bachelor party. By the time I got to Oxford they were so drunk that they had left the bar, taken the bachelor of honor to Old Venice, and were shoving pizza at him to sober him up. So I left and went elsewhere on the Square. I ran into one of my old friends, Brandon (aka WB). He was the one who called me at 2PM that afternoon when I was still at work to inform me he opened the first bar on the Square and had already had one Jack and Coke. I ran into him with a group of folks at the Rib Cage (a BBQ restaurant and bar). He was good and drunk. I said hey and met the rest of the group. This was around 10:30ish. When I excused myself to grab a drink from the bar. He said "get me a Jack and Coke, bitch!" I said "excuse me" to which he responded "you heard me!" I walked over to the bar and ordered to drinks. I had a vodka tonic and set his drink in front of him. He was in the middle of an animated conversation and stopped midsentence to exclaim "WHAT THE F**K IS THAT?!?" I said "It's your Shirley Temple...bitch."

He stares at the drink, then at me, and then back at the drink. Everyone else starts cracking up. He's silent for about a minute before he says "you know what? I'm going to drink this. And I'm going to enjoy it. Watch!" So I had to take a pic of him "enjoying" his shirley temple with his Muppet haircut.

We were there for a little while longer before going to another bar, one of my favorites from college: Pearl Street Pasta. Of course it was my favorite in college because I knew all the bartenders and would get quick service/small tabs. Apparently that doesn't happen anymore.

Part of the rest of the night is a blur due to double vodka tonics and a whole lot of really fun conversations that I can't remember so many weeks later. Oh yeah, the Jager shots didn't help. Need proof of the evil effects of Jager? Here you go from my sister's camera:

Yeah, it's the return of the shocker to drunk pics.

After they closed the bar/kicked everyone out, there was a lot of drama going on in the street outside. In fact there were three "incidents" that we were involved in/witnessed. Of course the memory is hazy in parts due to the excessive alcohol consumption over several hours (I can't remember the second incident but it had nothing to do with us). But here's the first one (sorry for hazy pics):

This guy who we'll call Napoleon (short man's complex joke!) stumbled out of the bar just in front of us. He was walking near our group obviously agitated about something. He made it vocal at that time. Now I don't remember what the exact issue was, but I decided it was my job to encourage him to find the source of his frustration. I think I contributed by giving him a lot of "Yeah you're right, man!" "I do think whitey is keeping you down!" and other such comments. He (thank God) wasn't catching onto the large amounts of sarcasm I was throwing out there. After a few minutes of entertaining my group with this drunken buffoon (pot calling kettle black!) by channelling what I call Tucker Max drunk, I told him we were leaving and he needed to head the other direction so he wouldn't hit me with his car when he drove home. He stumbles across the street and walks PAST (that is key) this random girl and her friends (she's in the pic below). He turns to start berating her. For the record none of us approved/sanctioned/applauded this behavior. She was just an innocent bystander who happened to walk past young Napoleon Bonaparte. He berated her in string of explatives that lasted for about thirty seconds straight. Almost everyone on the street stopped to watch this idiot. This poor girl stopped dead in her tracks, turned to walk back to him, shoved him backwards (he did in fact stumble because this is all clear to me), and said "What did you call me, you little bitch?" Her friend (also a girl) had to walk this little guy away until the girl he insulted decided she had enough and was about to beat his ass. At that time her friend let go of Napoleon and walked her friend back to their car. Literally forced her to their car. This little bastard stood their while the crowd erupted into a din of shouts directed at him. Most involved one of two things. They either questioned his manhood or told him to go away before they came and whooped his ass.

After he finally stumbled away we stood there laughing. The next incident is kinda hazy, but it involved someone completely not related to the previous incident trying to start something in the same general location as the previous incident but leaving. All I know is that when that person turned to leave, my friend Laura shouted "Run Rudolph Run." Don't know where that came from or why it's funny, but we thought it was hilarious.

The last incident was all me. Well, me channelling the inspiration of Tucker Max (yeah, I think I read some of his stories the week before going down there). This is a group of Bama fans on the bench in front of the Rib Cage:

From left to right, you have guy in Bama hat, drunk guy passed out on bench with Bama "A" on his shirt (can't see it in the pic, but it was there which is what caused me to do what you're about to read), and girl in pink shirt. As we were walking to our vehicles to head home for the night, we walked past this group on the bench. I believe someone said "is he going to be alright?" It was directed at me or my group, but I immediately decided to give my medical opinion. Well, not so much a medical opinion but more of an opinion inspired by Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura. As I walked past this group in the pic, I turned and replied "I can tell you what's wrong with him! He has been possessed by the spirit of Bear Bryant! I need an old priest and a young priest and A HOUNDSTOOTH CAP so I can EXERCIIIISE THE DEMON!!!" We all laughed, but apparently the girl in the pink shirt didn't find it too damn funny. She didn't vocally express her lack of appreciation for the humor I had bestowed on the situation. She physically expressed it in the form of a slap to my face. I paused. My group went silent. I started laughing again and kept walking to our cars.

That's pretty much all the shenanigans from that night. I will say I felt like ass the whole next day. My face didn't hurt but the rest of my head did from all the damn Jager shots. And it was Oktoberfest at the tent but I never really took any pics I think. What I did get a pic of is when the Alabama graduate who was working the replay for the referees royally screwed us out of a great come back win. By the way the rumor that I've heard is that he has been reprimanded so many times over the years for biased calls that he can't even be a ref on the field during the game anymore. Hmm... But again that is the rumor I heard...from a Southern Miss fan. Much more credible than coming from an Ole Miss fan who is biased against them. Anyhoo here's the pic.

Now that's a short "Best of" post covering part of the fall. I still need to get pics from my trip to Houston and...I have no idea what else. I'll try to come up with more stuff but I have been swamped with work and all. I guess I spoiled everyone when I was unemployed for so many months. I had so much free time that I could post whenever something came to me.

Anyhoo, have a great one and don't get none on ya!

Luau Party Recap

Remember when I went on record to say "if you decide to skip this, you will miss one of the best parties of the year" in the last post? That wasn't a lie. It was a fantastic night. I rolled into the party a little later than I had planned, but ran into a ton of folks I hadn't seen in a while. Of course you had most of the usual suspects, but I honestly can't say who all was there because there were so many people that I heard were there and never ran into. I'd list the names of everyone who was there but that would take too damn long. So here are a few pics

Of course here we have Andy, Scottie Too Hottie,The Brother, AP & DP, and me. My camera isn't the best when used at night so obviously she almost cut off Andy.

Here I am with Amy W. I actually met her and her friend Kel Bel (aka Shoopster) the weekend before at Sabafest. But I was so damn drunk that there's really no telling what I said. I'm sure it sounded something like "hiyaniiicetamee-ya."

Here I am with Andy, Anna, and Laura. Laura liked my grass skirt so much that she wanted it in the pic. I have to say that I was surprised that no one was wearing more luau clothing. Everyone was dressing nicely. It's like no one wanted to really get into the party spirit until after they got there.

Here I am with Alaina. I have to say it was a great time and I'm glad I went. By the way, I got to meet Mr Roboto from Nashville. He used to do the Thursday Night Fever blog but stopped. I heard the reason, but it's not mine to say. Anyhoo, I'm about to go ride my bike for an hour. Yall have a good one and get some on ya tonight.

Phoenix Club Luau Party Update

Here is some info on tonight's kickass party straight from el presidente:

- There is a beer truck with 8 taps running. Two free bars, one with hurricanes provided by Owen Brennan's, and another with martini-type stuff provided by Swig. There is also a cash bar for a wider variety of beverages.

-Hog Wild BBQ will be providing food (not sure if it's for free or not, but you should eat before you get there anyway).

- Tickets will be available at the door. $30 a person.

I'm going to go on record and say that if you decide to skip this, you will miss one of the best parties of the year. I mean when's the next chance you have to see Raiford DJ?

Phoenix Club Luau Party Friday

Do you want to see the return of Hollywood Raiford? Come to the party Friday. If you're looking for tickets I have plenty. Email me:

memphisphilip AT hotmail DOT com

"Run along, dear. (smack!) Man talk."

I think I know what I'm going to do Friday night. Ok, so I can quote this movie from start to finish (almost), but to see it on the Orpheum's big screen would be badass. But I don't think I'm busting out the tux for it. Of course I do have to go into work for a few hours Saturday morning so I don't know what I'll do exactly, but this is probably it.

"My name is Pussy Galore."

"I must be dreaming."

THIS JUST IN!!!

Actually I've known about this for a while, but I think this is the first I've mentioned it on the blog. Lord knows with the giant lack of posts lately, it should be easy enough for me to check...

Anyhoo, Robert Earl Keen and the Robert Earl Keen band will be playing THIS FRIDAY night at the New Daisy on Beale Street. It's usually a packed house so buy your tickets now. (His album "No. 2 Live Dinner" is in my top 20 albums of all time and top 5 live albums)

If you've ever liked a single country music song in your life, then you will like REK. He's more of a Texas country/folk/singer-songwriter with a great sense of humor in his song writing.

I'll be there. So will a large assortment of folks. Not sure exactly who, but I imagine some if not all of the following will be there:
Mini-her
The brother
The sister
Scales
DP and "new mike"
Mailbox Mike
The Uncle (supposedly coming in town according to sources)
Browntown

As always I'll make a prediction who will be there and half will miss it and 20 others will make it. You know what, who cares. It's always a great show. If you miss it, you suck.

The Long Delayed BBQ Fest Recap

You don't have to say anything. Mendi has already chastised me via email for not putting this up. So here is my recap with photos (I know at least two people who have been dreading this...more on that later)

I missed Thursday night of BBQ Fest because by the time I took a shower and got dressed after running and swimming at the gym it was after 8:30. That and I "tweaked" my right shoulder swimming. It's fine now. It was fine Friday morning. I did an underwater flip and felt a sharp twing in the joint/muscle area. But we're all good now.

So I missed Thursday, but made it to Friday night. Let's just say it was a great time. Some people wonder why I love BBQ fest more than Music Fest. Here are two good reasons:
Girls actually dress nicely. And they are (for the most part) a lot classier than the least common denominators you find at Music Fest. They just look hotter at BBQ Fest than Music Fest.

Oh yeah people on teams get GREAT tshirts. Like this guy:

In case you can't read his shirt, it says "Eat Me...Bad Ass Friends Cook Bad Ass BBQ." I think it's an instant classic.

One aspect of Memphis in May that many folks don't know about is what I like to call the Bible Beaters. These are radical religious nuts who sit outside the entrance to Memphis in May events (sometimes they are on Beale St too) and proclaim how everyone who attends these events is going to Hell. They never really make any rational arguments. It's more like they are stereotyping us all as drunks, sinners, fornicators and overall heathens because we like music, alcohol, BBQ, and fun with both friends and strangers. Wait, maybe they're right.

Kidding. This is a picture I took of a Catholic arguing with the Bible Beater.

I overheard the Catholic say that he went to confession that day. The BB explained (over the loud speaker his son was holding) that going to confession was not enough to wash away his sins and he would perish in eternal damnation. I'm not Catholic, but I know enough that in their denomination of Christianity if you confess your sins to God through the priest, you are forgiven. This is a classic example of two different viewpoints of the same basic religious beliefs butting heads. Of course if we were Muslims in the Middle East we'd start a war between the groups over this argument.

Wait. What the hell am I doing? This is supposed to be a recap of my drunken escapades at BBQ Fest. Sorry. On with the shenanigans!

When the brother and I finally got into BBQ fest I pulled out my handy dandy list of teams to visit. And then that went to shit. We were walking to one of the furthest teams to start at the far end and work our way back to the gate when I looked to my right and saw Duchess Colleen in her tent. We stopped in as she was promising Duchess AP that she would come see her. We grabbed a beer and headed that way.

Along the path I ran into many folks I hadn't seen in a while. One woman was someone I hadn't seen in about a year or so. When we saw each other we hugged and said our hellos. I didn't say anything too memorable. She on the otherhand did. Since Duchess Colleen and the brother heard it, I have witnesses. She says "damn! You are looking so good in that shirt. Like a lolipop. I want to lick you all over...and that says a lot coming from a lesbian."

Now you see why I won't say who she is. We laughed and talked for a sec before our trek continued. We made it to the Sicilian Smokers tent. I'm not going to list everyone I know on that team. But thanks to them for showing us a great time. I'll get to those stories and pics later.

After a bit the brother and I headed to another team. When we got there, he looked into the tent next door and said "Looks like someone's trying to copy Coyote Ugly, but actually make it Ugly." Here's the pic (sorry for the quality):

I'd say they had cougars on the bar, but they were probably drunken wives. That's one thing about BBQ Fest most of the women you see who look like cougars are actually just drunken wives who've thrown all inhibitions to the wind.

We made it to a coworker's tent in the "shoulder" section. They were playing the "flip cup" drinking game. It was fun, but the badass thing was they set up an A/C unit in case it got hot during the day. They had a smaller tent (first year team) so it was genius. Here's a pic:

We headed back to the ribs section to keep tent hopping when we saw this river boat on the Mississippi River. I thought it was a great shot and it turned out perfect despite my best efforts:

Here's a pic of me with Duchess Colleen. Now you can see my shirt that almost turns lesbians straight:

One of the new things I saw at BBQ fest was a drunk's porta-potty. They actually have a spot to put your beer while you do your business. How cool is that?

I did get a chance to see something weird/interesting. I'm not really sure what to call him though. Fat Elvis is too easy. I kinda want to say he's a cross between Elvis and Don Vito from those Bam Margera shows on MTV. Either way it was a classic moment I couldn't pass up.

Wait! Is he doing the shocker with his right hand? Awesome.

Ok. I forget exactly when this next bit happened in relation to the Don Vito Elvis, but I think it was right before. I was in the tent and didn't see the brother anywhere nearby. I found him outside talking to two girls. I'm not going to identify them...although I should. I'll just say they are two friends of someone I know. (I think that's anonymous enough). Since this happened I have been informed that they were both "very, very, very drunk" and please "be kind, because I know deep down you are a nice guy who will do the right thing..." Whatever. I think the right thing is to tell this story:

So I walk up and the brother says "Hey, they have two questions to ask you." After they debated for a few minutes to ask, I basically told them to ask or we were walking away (I hate drama queens). In a hushed voice girl one said "ok, first question: do you know anyone we can buy some pot from at BBQ Fest?"

I don't know what my exact answer was but I remember it was something demeaning along the lines of grow up you idiots; no one sells pot at BBQ Fest; most people stop doing that in college or when they get a job.

Obviously they were a little hesitant to ask the second question. By this point I really didn't care what the second question was, I was ready to just be anywhere else. Then girl one asked the second question: "(Girl Two) wants to know if there is anyone here she can make out with?"

I immediatly came up with some excuse to keep this chick from accosting either my brother or myself so I said "You know, I hear he's a bad kisser and I think I'm coming down with something. But hold on a sec." I turned to the crowd standing around the outside of the tent and the crowd walking by and shouted:

"Excuse me folks, but we have a very desperate woman here who wants a little shmacky-shmacky face with any guy that walks by. Any takers?"

Everyone looked and went back to what they were doing. I said "sorry" and we walked away laughing.

They charged after us with the whole I can't believe you just did that and in front of all these people we know. We are so embarassed...yada yada yada. It went on for a few minutes until I said "if you're embarassed now, wait until I put it on the blog." Then girl two kicked me right in the shins. Maybe I deserved it, but I don't care. It's funny and everyone I've told the story to this week laughed their asses off. I hope you enjoyed that. Remember when I mentioned the two people who were dreading this post? That was the story. Now back to the rest of the recap.

After the brother and I escaped the Swarming Stoner Twins (I like that nickname!) we headed back to the Sicilian Smokers tent which is of course home of the infamous Uncle Scottie Too Hottie, Dr J, DP & AP, AL & JD, and whomever else I am forgetting. What did we find when we got back there?

Nuff said.

DP introduced me to a few of his friends and said "this guy does the shocker in every photo he's in." That's a great way to be introduced to someone. But I can't make a liar out of my buddy so I did the shocker in my pics throughout the rest of the night. Of course DP had to do one too.

Here's a pic of Duchess Colleen, Duchess AP, me, and DP.

Here's a pic with Dr J.

Here's a pic with the brother and some dude holding a cup over DP's head. I think he was the buddy DP introduced me to earlier.

There are more pics out there, but AP never emailed them to me so I don't know what else was going on. But I did get another shot of our ice luge girl. You can make your own jokes about the tat.

In case you don't believe that it got rowdy at their tent. This is a pic on the ground behind the food serving area.

Looks like he's quick out of the gate, but not much in the long run.

After the cops kicked us out of the park at midnight, the brother drove us and Duchess Colleen to Ernestine & Hazels. It was actually really cool because I ran into these folks from high school who were there for a wedding. I would have ended the story about now because I don't recall anything interesting happening at E&H except these two guys who realized they were gay in the middle of the bar.

I know it doesn't look like much but none of the people we were standing with could believe it. It was like these guys were having some sort of tender moment or some crap. I blurred out the faces because I don't know them and it wouldn't be fair to show them. But if you could have seen them looking at each other, it was kinda creepy and weird. I hate to say it but we sat back and laughed. It probably wouldn't have been that funny if they hadn't realized people were watching them and quickly turned back to their girls.

That's all I've got. I'm sure this is really long but that's why I postponed typing it so long. Anyway I hope you had fun.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.