1/31/2006

How Big of a Male Whore Am I?

I was screwing around on the net earlier and found a link to the slut-o-meter (http://www.slut-o-meter.com/). So what do I do? I put in my name and here's the result:
Promiscuity: 16.67% (1/6)
Popularity: 1
I have no idea what this means so I click the link for "about" to find out what the hell is going on. So this is what I find:

"How It Works
Slut-o-meter evaluates the promiscuity of the subject you enter by comparing the number of Google search results with and without "safe-search" enabled. A complete slut would return unsafe results and no safe results. Alternatively, a clean name should produce the same number of safe and unsafe results. The "promiscuity" percentage we give you is calculated as follows:
Popularity
Simply put, this is the number of times this slut has been searched for.Negative Promiscuity? Huh?
If you're wondering why some subjects have a negative promiscuity, well, you're not alone. In general, this happens when the number of safe results is greater than the number of unsafe results (or if there are no unsafe results whatsoever). We're not quite sure why this is the case, but we believe that Google is not telling us the truth."

As Eddie Izzard would say: "Qua?" (sorry I don't know French so I just type it like it sounds.)
So I say to myself, "Wait, this won't tell me what kind or how big of a slut I am? Bastards!" So read on and this is what it says:
"The Story
One day in Africa (no kidding), Joël and Adam came up with the idea of using Google to determine how sluttly an individual is. Over a year has passed with no action and the idea was almost forgotten. At SuperHappyDevHouse the idea was resurrected and was quickly brought to life in a matter of hours. The public demonstration of the first Slut-o-Meter showed a person's promiscuity rating with live integration into Firefox using a Greasemonkey script. At that time, the application was a faceless web service with a simple REST interface. Tamiko contributed her design skills and assembled the logo. Since then, Brian has taken over the Slut-o-Meter and turned it into a nifty web service with statistics galore. Enjoy!"
Oh yes! That's what I want to hear. Wait no it isn't. This is nothing more than a means of checking to see how big of an internet 'social' whore you are. Damn. So if I get my name put on the internet a bunch of times, I'll be more of a slut? Wait I'm confused. WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME IF I'M A SLUT OR NOT? Ok, I think this is a real painful lie that will take me years of therapy to overcome. Ok, find my center. I need my own animal in my mind like in Fight Club. Ok, let's see, where is that damn penguin telling me to slide? Ok, I have a giraffe telling me to leave him alone. Wait you're supposed to be some image that gives me an answer until you later turn into Helena Bonham Carter. I am depressed. I know maybe I can be like some women I know and eat about 5 gallons of ice cream in my pajamas and let my tears sweeten it as they fall into the bowl. Yea!
Seriously though, if you are going to have a slut-o-meter, let's let it really be about promiscuity. You put in your age, number of people you've slept with, etc. I'd think that you would have to look at it a period-of-life way. Example:
In high school, for X number of years I slept with # of girls.
In college, for X number of years I slept with # of girls.
For the first 4 years after college, I slept with # of girls.
And so on and so on. Think about it though. If your ratio from college to post college decreased in the same amount of years, you are becoming less promiscuous:
(assuming you were not a virgin when you got to school or you lost it immediately at school to keep things even) in 4 years of college you were with 15 women, your ratio is 15/4. In 4 years after college you were with 7 women, your ratio is 7/4. I don't have a calculator to tell you the exact %. Sorry. But obviously there would be variables such as "well I dated one woman for two of the four years after college." If you were faithful for that time, then you could say that it was 6/2. Wait it's not a percentage thing. That would just find out how many you were sleeping with on average over that time. Then you'd have to adjust for degrees of sex: oral and beyond or does the handling of equipment count? I'm not really going to worry about I guess. Holy crap, it is 12:35 AM, and I am thinking about the degree of slut you can be. Let's go ahead and put this on the record: you can do whatever you want, but the moment you no longer feel good about your actions when you are by yourself is when you become a slut. Sounds good to me.

Badass! The girl who drove me to high school is in the new Twix commercial! Sarah Morris was the student council president at the all-girls school next day when I was a freshman. She was hot then and is hot now. She plays the daughter of the boss in this commercial. She was also one of the most recent Hummer H3 commercials. She's goldilox in the three bears commercial. She was also in an episode of that Undressed show on MTV. She took her shirt off just before the show completely 180-ed to another plot line (I think you had to be on drugs to keep up with their episodes). Anywho, my young 9th grade crush quickly returned to me in my sophomore year of college. But it was fleeting as I only saw the episode a few times and quickly realized I was at Ole Miss and I WAS AT OLE MISS! There were beautiful women everywhere!

Songs on the Playlist:
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Pete Townsend - Let My Love Open The Door (E. Cola Mix)
Loverboy - Working for the Weekend
Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA
Led Zeppelin - I Can't Quit You Baby
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Robert Earl Keen - No Kinda Dancer

1 comment:

thejew said...

your such a whore man.

 
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