Saturday Recap

Ok, so my plan was to get to Newby's 9ish. I would hang out there and then head to Midtown to go to Rachel's friend's bday party at which point I would finally meet the infamous Rachel face to face. As you know the best laid plans tend to fall by the wayside. So here's what happened:

I did a ton of laundry yesterday. About 8 I called McAllister's to get some dinner. I always need food in my stomach before going out. I came home and ate. Decided to hang loose and finish a few things around the house. I had a few phone calls and finally jumped in the shower around 9:15. Remember I said I wanted to get to Newby's 9ish. Got dressed and had to wait for a load to get out of the dryer. I don't know what the hell happened, but I finally got to Newby's around 10:30. Somehow I wasted an hour and fifteen minutes between the approximate time I got in the shower and the time I arrived at the bar. WTF!?! That still makes no sense.

So I walk in and see NO ONE I know. Now I knew that BD & BG got there between 7 and 8. But they were no where to be found. The theatre side had some 18 & up show and I know damn well they weren't there. So I look around and see RD and Kat with two other folks. So I go say hey to them. Then I peak out onto the back patio and see a few familiar faces. I excuse myself and head out there. I find BD & BG along with a few other guys I know. I met this one kid who I'll call T. He was stupid drunk. Actually I couldn't tell if he was a genuinely stupid drunk or if he is just stupid. He added to a few funny stories. I'll save those for later.

So I hang out there for a while and head back in to the bar. While I was outside some other friend of RD's showed up. Her name was Tanya and she was a cougar. I mean the epitome of cougar. She seemed like she could be cool, if she didn't try so hard. But you know what, I had no desire to find out if she was cool. I did what I always do around cougars: I stayed the F away from her as long as possible.

Now I'm trying to remember this in chronological order, but I really feel like telling a few of the stories as I remember them.

Stories with T:
1. This first moment I knew this kid was a little screwy: I look over and it looks like someone has spilled an entire drink on him from the top of his right shoulder and it went all down the front of his shirt. I said "Hey man, do you have a drinking problem or did you piss someone off?" Everyone at the table looks and almost in unison say "OMG, you tried to throw that shot over your shoulder didn't you?" Apparently this kid was trying to keep from getting too effed up by throwing a jagermeister shot over his shoulder when no one was looking. Unfortunately, he was already so effed up he couldn't even do that.
2. This guy starts a random conversation in the middle of everyone else's conversations: "Dude, did yall see the sign at our house at Pickwick on Memorial Day?" Half of the people in the group were clueless as to what he was talking about and the other half started rubbing their temples like they had a headache. Apparently T put up a sign somewhere at his family's lakehouse facing the water that had a website address on it. I WILL NOT tell you the address. I made it a point to forget it after I heard what the website was: it is gay 80 year old man porn. Yeah you read that right. Octogenarian porn for gay guys. Who puts this stuff up? Who wants to see this? And how does this guy know this? And why did he admit that he knew this address? Those are questions that are still left unanswered. And frankly I don't want to know the answers. That's just messed up.
3. This is the final T story. I didn't witness it, but since it had happened just before I went back to the patio they were still yapping about it. He walked outside and sat on one of the picnic tables next to some hot chick. All of a sudden he ripped a ridiculous fart. It was apparently loud. The poor girl stopped her conversation with someone else, turned to T, and said "I'm sorry, but did you just fart?" His reply: "Yeah. Didn't you feel it?"

Cougar story:
The cougar and her cougar accomplice (yeah they were in a pack) kept cornering different folks in our group. No wait, I'm sorry they kept cornering different guys in our group. Let me explain something technical here. They belonged to RD's group. Her group consisted of 6 people who all met up together there (3 girls, 2 cougars, and a husband of one of the girls). My group really consisted of about 7 or 8 guys. The cougars were on the hunt and targeted our group. Well at least they were talking to us. One of them actually works with one of the guys in our group so I may be a little harsh here, but oh well. I didn't bring the 50ish divorcee to the bar and let her try to get all over any single guy I knew. So I can say whatever the hell I want here. So anyway they kept cornering folks. Finally around 1:45 the cougar cornered me. Here is that conversation:
Cougar to someone standing next to me (we were in a conversation): "Now I don't think I've met this young man yet. Who is this?"
My Buddy: "This is Philip." He walks off. Thanks, dick.
Cougar: "Hehe. You're cute. Nice to meet you."
Me: "Nice to meet you too. COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!!"
Cougar: "I think you are funny." She hugs me.
Cougar: "I think I've heard RD talk about you before. I hear you're a funny guy."
Me: "COUGAR!!! COUGAR!!! Ok, it was nice to meet you. I'm walking away now. COUGAR!!!"
So my question to you dear reader, was that a little harsh? After a few jagerbombs, I didn't think so. This morning I didn't think so. This afternoon I still don't think so.

Darts Story:
Towards the end of the evening, I wandered into the game room where the darts and pool tables are. There was a crowd in there. I saw BG and PF playing darts with some random patrons.
Quick note: the random patrons had cougars with them. I don't know what the hell was going on last night. I guess the cougars of Memphis must have been in heat or something. Normally Newby's is full of my generation (i.e. 20s & 30s) late on Friday's and Saturday's. I don't get it.
So anyway, I wander into the dart area. I hadn't taken two steps into the room and I can feel the tension. Not the good kind of tension, but the fight tension. I turned to one of our guys who was standing there NOT DRINKING.
Me: "What is going on?"
Dude: "See that guy in the blue shirt? He's pissed at something and it is directed at either BG or BD. I don't know what they did or what they are doing, but he is not calming down."
Now this guy was about 45 to 50. Our group consisted of three 26 year olds and a few guys in their mid-30s. Plus we know the bouncers, bartenders, and other employees of the bar. So I knew that we wouldn't start the fight. But I could just see the intense anger in this guy's eyes. I stayed around for a few minutes trying to figure out what was going on. This is the gist of what went down. BG & PF went to play darts. Someone (either them or the other group of folks) decided to whip it out and see who had the bigger one, i.e. they decided to play against each other for money. $20 per side. I've never seen BG or PF play darts. Never. They were very drunk, happy drunk. Despite this and the fact that these other folks apparently play darts regularly (they kept using this "darts jargon"), they were losing to our guys. Our guys were getting some very lucky shots. Our guys ended up beating dude in the blue shirt and his wife/girlfriend/cougar. Our guys were happy and having a good time and this guy was pissed off. His friends eventually called him a dumbass for 1. betting 2. being a bad loser and 3. just killing their fun evening. He walked away sulking and I swear I overheard his lady friend say to one of her other girlfriends there "Yeah, I'm not giving it up tonight now." I laughed and walked back to the patio.

Overall I had a lot of fun last night. Unfortunately I didn't get that many pics. I did get a pic with everyone's favorite waitress, Lauren. She had left work and come back to party. She is a really cool chick. If she ever serves you, tip well. She works hard putting up with you.
Papa Top's West Coast Turnaround was badass. If you EVER get a chance to see them, do it. They really kick ass.

Ok, I'm going to do a little work now. Yall have a great Sunday and spend it relaxing dammit.

Songs on the Playlist:
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Gimme Three Steps
The Grateful Dead - Alabama Getaway
Jimi Hendrix - Fire
Jerry Jeff Walker - London Homesick Blues
The Who - Summertime Blues (live at Leeds)
O.A.R. - I Feel Home
Stone Temple Pilots - Still Remains
Janis Joplin - Me And Bobby McGee
Edgar Winter Group - Frankenstein
The Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Robert Earl Keen - Keep Swervin' In My Lane
Jimmy Buffett - Distantly In Love
The Rolling Stones - Have You Seen Your Mother Baby, Standing In The Shadows
The Who - I Can't Explain
Pat Green & Cory Morrow - It's A Great Day To Be Alive
James Brown - Papa's Got A Brand New Bag
Eric Clapton - Hey Hey
Bob Dylan - Tangled Up In Blue
Cream - Anyone For Tennis


Rachelandthecity said...

OMG - so funny! I was at Newby's last night! I'm friends with a some of the guys in Papa Top's and hadn't seen them in a while so I showed up at 9 to hang out with them and see their first set before I headed back into midtown - we must have just missed each other! I was sititng in the booth closest to the stage!

Kat said...

Give some props to the photographer, won't you? It's not easy to hold a camera still when you're drunk. Fun times, Pie.

Maritza said...

I never heard of the term "cougar" but it's perfect. I see these types of women all over the place especially at nail salons. Funny post, yo!

MG said...

lmao @ the T stories.

and I report, sadly, yet, proudly, no shots for me...

I did try my best to make up for it by drinking many more mixed drinks than usual...

I am starting to miss them just a little.

K said...

SHITE... I'm turning 32 next month.. at what point will I turn into a couger?

Holy Shite.


Joey D. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Joey D. said...

Hmmm, that must mean you are "cougar bait." From the Urban dictionary....

cougar bait:

Young single men who flaunt their sexuality while trying to hook up with young single women when in actuality they end up taking home a cougar.


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