12/11/2006

Tip # 165 for the Single Man to Survive the Holidays

If you the single man are looking for a way to survive the holidays, then I have a great idea for you.

When you go to that one "child friendly" Christmas party, be sure to embrace the "child friendly" aspect. Bring cookies or sweets. You know what, bring as many sugar-filled treats as you can buy. Two bags of cookies and a bunch of other sweets (nothing too messy, you don't want little hands getting melted chocolate all over the host/hostess's wall; that would be rude).

When you get to the party, wait until it is in full swing before you get started. How do you know when it is in full swing? The parents quit paying attention to their kids and they let them run wild. The mom's are gossipping and comparing who has the worst cellulite/fat ass problem this year (hint: it's all of them). The dads are hanging out, talking about sports, sipping beer, and chuggin whiskey when the wife isn't looking. The only time they look to see where their kids are is if they hear something shatter. This usually drives you, the single guy, crazy because you become Uncle Jungle Gym. Not this year. This year you are loaded up with plenty of sweets.

Start simple. Open a bag of cookies and start pushing them like a drug dealer in a city school. After the first box of cookies is gone, open the next. Keep going until either you run out of sweets or the parents catch onto your little game. Now don't stop just because one set of parents tells their kids to stop eating the sweets you have. That doesn't mean that the rest of the parents have a clue about what's going on. The object is to get these kids on such a sugar high that the folks can't control them for the rest of the day or they run like crazy until it's time to go home and they pass out in the car. Either way they start going nuts and the parents have to deal with it.

Now sit back and enjoy the chaos you created. It's a great little Christmas present to yourself. Plus you won't have to be Uncle "Hey watch little Timmy for just a minute" anymore.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

4 comments:

kat said...

Excellent post; you must have some experience in this area!

hibelu said...

That's worth syndication.

K

Anonymous said...

UGH I hate child friendly parties. and I HAVE kids lol.....mind you, they are older now...lol BUt I hated those parties when my kids were younger. Get a freaking babybsitter people! Shit......

Cool post!! ;)

Anonymous said...

lmao!

 
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