Last year I posted these guidelines just before Memphis In May's World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, or as anyone without a stick up their ass calls it: BBQ Fest. I believe it helped so many people that I'm reposting it this year. Enjoy. I have taken the liberty of updating a few spots (changes in yellow).
Here are my unofficial official guidelines to "Doing BBQ Fest Right"
Rule 1: Get on a team
This is easier than you think. Ask around among all your friends if they have a team. If none of them have teams, get new friends. Or find out if any friends of friends have teams. Express interest in joining their team.
It's too late to join a team now. You should have done that back in January or February. If you are interested in joining a team, then I recommend that while at BBQ Fest ask a team member of whichever team you like how you can join or be brought up for membership, etc.
What team am I on? I'm not. I have friends spread out through about 10 teams. Several of them are trying to get me to join their teams for next year. I will visit these teams (and others) and see what I like. Cold beer, hot girls, and no douchebags are a plus in my rankings.
Rule 2: Don't join a team
If you aren't going to join a team or can't, that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Send an email to everyone you know but don't carbon copy them. Say something like:"Hey, I'll be at BBQ Fest this year and I want to be sure to see all my friends. If you are on a team, please let me know because I want to say hi. Blah Blah Blah."
Don't carbon copy (cc) everyone. Just Blind Carbon Copy (bcc) or send individual emails. The key information that you want to get is
a. Team name
b. All team members you know
c. Booth location
Each bit of information is critical. You want (a) because that's the name of the team (if you don't understand that concept pull the nail out of your temple so you can start thinking again). You want to know (b) because if buddy 1 leaves and someone asks you who you know, you can point to buddy 2. Also the more people you know on a team, the more fun you'll have. And the more likely someone will know the hot girl by the keg and can introduce you (Duh!). You want to know (c) because you can't go to something if you don't know where it is.
Rule 3: Get enough of cash
You will need to buy a ticket in and you will need cab money (see rule 4)
Rule 4: DO NOT DRIVE!!!
You are going to be downtown at BBQ fest and you can't walk home (for distance and inebriation reasons). Get a cab. Or a hot girl to drive you home. What's that? You can't get a hot girl to drive you home! Well then get a cab you wimp.
I recommend a cab down there and back. Why? You take a cab down there. Say it's $20 one way (I believe that's what it is from High Point Terrace to Beale). The cab pulls up to Beale & Front to let you out. Why is this important? Because if you (or one of your friends) drove there, you will have to park in a parking garage or at someone's house. If you go to a parking garage, then you'll have to pay at least $15 dollars to park. And you'll probably have to walk a half mile just to get to Beale & Front where the cab would have let you out. Then someone will have to drive home after all that BBQ and beer. Let's do the math here:
Taking a cab: $40 round trip
Driving: $15 parking and several thousands of dollars in DUI fees and court costs
Rule 5: Pace yourself
No one wants to deal with your drunk ass at 6:30PM, so pace yourself. Eat a big meal before you go down there. No, they don't always have free food for you. So you want to deal with it properly. I also recommend either getting a B12 shot or start taking Super B Complex vitamins (I take them anyway. They help reduce stress supposedly and it's just like a daily B12 shot). This is critical if you are on a team and will be there almost 24/7.
Rule 6: Bring a Camera
Need an excuse to talk to a pretty girl? Have her take your picture with you and your buds. Or better yet take her picture. Tell her you need proof that there actually was a hot girl at BBQ Fest who wasn't slutting around from tent to tent. Kidding that line would never work, but you get the idea. Or just be honest. Chicks dig honesty right? Not.
Ladies, do you see some hot guy you want to talk to but he's too stupid to come say hi? Have your friends take a random pic with him. Sure it's forward, but you'll be the one woman that'll stand out to him for the rest of the night. At the least, you'll have a pic to make your friends who were too cool to come jealous.
Plus how cool would it be to have a pic with you and 25 of your newest friends screaming and cootie brown drunk. (aka "Drunker than Cooter Brown", it's a Southern/Redneck term that means fitshaced)
Rule 7: Be prepared for the mess
Wear comfortable clothes that you don't mind getting muddy. Simple enough right? Look good, but for God's sake, be ready to get covered in beer, mud, and sweat. Hmm...beer mud and sweat...that sounds like a redneck wedding right?
Rule 8: Be prepared to stretch your bladder
There are no bathrooms beside porta-potties. Be cool and don't mess them up. Best bet is always to be at a friend's tent when nature calls. Each team has one porta-pottie (some bigger ones have two).
Rule 9: Watch the language please
Late at night when everyone is tore up from the floor up, just about anything goes. But remember that Wednesday night is for the families (and is not open to the general public) and some people will bring their kids in the early evening. So while the kids are around, watch the cussing, you dick.
Rule 10: Ladies, watch the four letter words
Ok, this one is for the women. Ladies, at BBQ fest, there are no four letter words. Four letter words include but are not limited to the following:
"can't"
"won't"
"stop"
"don't"
Ok, I'm kidding. And I totally stole that joke. But ladies, if you are going to BBQ Fest, don't put up the "bitch shield" please. We are cool and are all having fun. This is BBQ Fest. We don't have any room for your ego inside these 'small' tents.
Rule 11: Wear sunscreen
People bump into each other. If you are there during the day, you need to put on sunscreen. Otherwise you're going to be in a lot of pain all day and night.
Rule 12: If you are sketchy and drunk, don't dance on the bar. For the love of humanity, please don't dance on the bar!
Two years ago, I was with a group and one of the guys had a friend with a team nearby. We went in and had a few beers and jello shots. They had a bar built in a U shape. On each of the three sides, there was a stripper pole built into the top of the bar. There were these hot drunk girls dancing. One of the girls obviously brought the ugly friend. Well the ugly friend had gotten a hold of a few too many jello shots, obviously. The ugly friend wanted attention, so she had her friend and several people lift her drunk ass up on the bar. Let's take a brief pause to memorize this formula:
Drunk girl craving attention + too many Jello shots + dancing on bar + beer and liquor spilt all over top of bar = funny ass fall
That's right, she fell and busted her ass. I heard through the gossip telegraph in the crowd that she ripped one of the following items: her skirt, her shirt, and/or her panties. That makes for a semi-funny story. An embarassing story for her, but a semi-funny one for us.
Rule 13: finally, HAVE FUN!!!
This should go without saying, but you need to have some fun. You've worked hard and have had a lot to deal with in your life. So go have some fun. If you see me, say hi, but at least remind me how we know each other. If you're just a reader whom I've never met, let me know.
Rule 14 (added in 2007): remember things change from year to year.
Between BBQ Fest in 2005 and in 2006, the tent I attended with the best party/crowd changed. I won't say who went from first to last. That won't be fair, and I'd probably be banned. But the team that had the ridiculous crowd that was wild in '05 was tame in '06 (plus a few people I was trying to avoid showed up there). Turns out other teams were twice as crazy and fun, but I missed part of it because I was waiting at another tent waiting to capture the magic again from the previous year.
Anyhoo, I hope this has helped. Have a great BBQ Fest and be sure to get some on ya!
5/14/2007
5/13/2007
Sad Day...Raiford's is closed
I know I've been missing a lot of posting potential, but I saw this on two other Memphis blogs. Raiford's has closed. Check out the story on Downtown Paul's and CA Mark's. This is an end to a Memphis landmark. In honor of our collective mourning I'll tell my favorite Raiford's experience:
I was home from college one summer. My buddy DP came over and I cooked steaks. We had a bunch of beers and decided that we needed to head out for the night. We grabbed a six pack to last until we got downtown. We went to Ernestine & Hazels for a few hours. After a bunch of beers, I got a call that some friends were "probably" heading to Raiford's. So we jumped in the car and headed there. We walked in and grabbed our 40's.
My back was to the dance floor as I took my first sip. I felt a woman's hand grab my hand and pull me to the dance floor. I handed DP my beer and said adios. When we got to the dance floor I realized through the clouds of smoke and my beer goggles that it was my friend's mother. She's a good family friend also so I knew I wasn't going to be in trouble. We danced for a song or two when all of a sudden she looked me in the eyes and grabbed my shoulders. I had no idea what was about to happen as she spun me around to face the walkway coming up the dance floor. As I regained my balance I saw a man coming straight at me with his fist clenched and pulled back in order to punch me in the face. He saw who I was, and I realized who he was - her husband, my friend's father. His fist dropped, and he stuck out his hand to shake mine. We said our hellos and then he said to get back to dancing with his wife so I didn't have to.
I danced a few more songs and then went back to find DP. My other friends never showed up so we decided to head back to E&H. The problem was DP drank both his 40 and mine while I was dancing. No big deal. When we got to E&H, I ordered two soul burgers. DP excused himself to go to the bathroom. I drank and chatted the folks around us. After the soul burgers arrived, I wolfed mine down and looked around for DP. I couldn't find him anywhere until I looked outside. He was sitting on the sidewalk making sure E&H's wall didn't fall down. I put his burger in front of him, but he did feel like eating (or staying upright). Now in all fairness we were both beyond fitshaced. But we had to get home. As I was the more sober one I ate his burger to coat my stomach in a little grease. I drover us home and called it a night. Probably shouldn't have driven, but I was young, stupid, and in college.
That's my favorite Raiford's memory. Unfortunately there are hardly any great memories from Raiford's. Most involved drunken stupidity...either on my part or someone else's. I had a chance to go three weeks ago and I passed it up. Kinda wish I hadn't, but it's too late now.
Anyone know if he'll reopen elsewhere?
I was home from college one summer. My buddy DP came over and I cooked steaks. We had a bunch of beers and decided that we needed to head out for the night. We grabbed a six pack to last until we got downtown. We went to Ernestine & Hazels for a few hours. After a bunch of beers, I got a call that some friends were "probably" heading to Raiford's. So we jumped in the car and headed there. We walked in and grabbed our 40's.
My back was to the dance floor as I took my first sip. I felt a woman's hand grab my hand and pull me to the dance floor. I handed DP my beer and said adios. When we got to the dance floor I realized through the clouds of smoke and my beer goggles that it was my friend's mother. She's a good family friend also so I knew I wasn't going to be in trouble. We danced for a song or two when all of a sudden she looked me in the eyes and grabbed my shoulders. I had no idea what was about to happen as she spun me around to face the walkway coming up the dance floor. As I regained my balance I saw a man coming straight at me with his fist clenched and pulled back in order to punch me in the face. He saw who I was, and I realized who he was - her husband, my friend's father. His fist dropped, and he stuck out his hand to shake mine. We said our hellos and then he said to get back to dancing with his wife so I didn't have to.
I danced a few more songs and then went back to find DP. My other friends never showed up so we decided to head back to E&H. The problem was DP drank both his 40 and mine while I was dancing. No big deal. When we got to E&H, I ordered two soul burgers. DP excused himself to go to the bathroom. I drank and chatted the folks around us. After the soul burgers arrived, I wolfed mine down and looked around for DP. I couldn't find him anywhere until I looked outside. He was sitting on the sidewalk making sure E&H's wall didn't fall down. I put his burger in front of him, but he did feel like eating (or staying upright). Now in all fairness we were both beyond fitshaced. But we had to get home. As I was the more sober one I ate his burger to coat my stomach in a little grease. I drover us home and called it a night. Probably shouldn't have driven, but I was young, stupid, and in college.
That's my favorite Raiford's memory. Unfortunately there are hardly any great memories from Raiford's. Most involved drunken stupidity...either on my part or someone else's. I had a chance to go three weeks ago and I passed it up. Kinda wish I hadn't, but it's too late now.
Anyone know if he'll reopen elsewhere?
5/10/2007
MIA
No I'm not dead. Just really busy and exhausted. I'll catch up soon. Hopefully I'll be able to get that pic of the Memphis indigenous citizens fooling around on the banks of the Mississippi after MusicFest. I hope it turns out well.
5/01/2007
The Best Laid Plans...
Last Thursday I left Memphis after work. I had plans to go to the Lord T & Eloise show at Proud Larry's in Oxford, MS. I drove down Byhalia Road to Hwy 78. As I was about to get on the highway I got behind this Toyota pick up truck. I call this "Only in the Sticks."
I know that pictures are worth a thousand words, but for those of you who don't get what I'm showing, these are dogs riding on a tool box in the back of a pickup. I'm honestly surprised they didn't slide off when he turned onto the on ramp. Btw did you know it's bad for your dog's long term vision to ride like that OR with its head out the window? The high winds dry out the eyes and over time that can lead to premature blindness. Just an FYI. 
The sister decided she was tired and wanted to head back to the dorm since she had class at 10 the next morning. I told her she needed to stay because I had work at 7 back in Memphis, and I was still partying. Of course she's smarter than I am so she went home. 
Here's a pic of me with them.
So after we took our pics and drank our drinks we were shuffled out the door by Oxford's finest rent-a-cops, Cobra Security. Some shenanigans ensued in the parking lot. One that didn't involve anyone we knew was this girl who walked by us (my friends knew who she was, but she wasn't with us). She said hey to our little group and then walked over and jumped some guy in the parking lot. Jumped in the "skinemax" sense. Literally she jumped, threw her arms around his neck, and wrapped her legs around his waist. This wouldn't be so funny until another girl who was chasing after her said "...what are you doing? You just met him tonight!" 
I hope you have enjoyed this pic of pure college tush. Have a great one and don't get none on ya...unless it's some of that!
I know that pictures are worth a thousand words, but for those of you who don't get what I'm showing, these are dogs riding on a tool box in the back of a pickup. I'm honestly surprised they didn't slide off when he turned onto the on ramp. Btw did you know it's bad for your dog's long term vision to ride like that OR with its head out the window? The high winds dry out the eyes and over time that can lead to premature blindness. Just an FYI.So back to the night at hand. The plan was to go to the show with the sister, Mags, and PeyPey. I was going to leave after the show and head home to go to bed early for work the next morning. How many of you see where this is going?
Fortunately Mags and PeyPey brought a friend Jeff who turned out to be the youngest brother of a fraternity brother of mine. Small world. My old buddy Yankee also made it. I'm jealous of him. He was at Ole Miss when I was a junior and is still there.
Quick question: can I consider this a rush party for my Thursday Tactical Drinking Team? Maybe I should just consider this giving my stamp of approval to a satellite branch. Or should I look at it like Fight Club: they're just popping up every where. Hmm...
Anyhoo, Lord T & Eloise kicked ass. It was a great show and the crowd was really into it. There's nowhere better to see a bunch of white kids go crazy over rap than Ole Miss. I kept thinking that half these kids would be doing the hippie/jam-band dance most other nights but they were acting like it was a rap video on Yo! MTV Raps. Wait, how long has that show been off the air now? And how old do I feel after that reference. Btw, for those of you who don't know the hippie dance, imagine a white kid with shaggy hair and a baseball hat looking at his shoes while moving his shoulders and head side to side and bouncing his body. Another variation is looking at the band on stage nodding and soft punching the air in front of you with the occasional look skyward as the dancer says one of the few words he knows in the song.
I had seen Lord T & Eloise several times, but this was my favorite performance. I just think it was the right sized venue. The crowd was really uninhibited and into it.
After the show we all hung out. Here's a pic with Laura. She's one of the regulars at the tent during football season. I met her through Yankee & WeakBitch just after I graduated.
The sister decided she was tired and wanted to head back to the dorm since she had class at 10 the next morning. I told her she needed to stay because I had work at 7 back in Memphis, and I was still partying. Of course she's smarter than I am so she went home. PeyPey wanted to go find Lord T & Eloise. She swore they were on the Square at a bar somewhere. So we went looking. Her older sister is good friends with a few of the guys in the band and they played her 21st birthday party earlier this year. We went into five bars on the Square and never found them. It felt weird visiting my old stomping grounds and not running into anyone I knew. Fortunately my buddy Kyle was in town for Double Decker last weekend. Ran into him while we were crossing the street. He was headed one way and we were headed the other so we only spoke for a few minutes. PeyPey and I ran into Downtown Grill to meet up with Mags and Jeff. It was at that point that the chugging began. It was last call as we walked in. Somehow in the span of those 15 minutes, I had two pints of Guinness and a white russian, a "Caucasian" to all you friends of The Dude. Who got that movie reference?
Even during this chug fest I managed to get a few pics. Here's PeyPey and Mags.
Here's a pic of me with them.
So after we took our pics and drank our drinks we were shuffled out the door by Oxford's finest rent-a-cops, Cobra Security. Some shenanigans ensued in the parking lot. One that didn't involve anyone we knew was this girl who walked by us (my friends knew who she was, but she wasn't with us). She said hey to our little group and then walked over and jumped some guy in the parking lot. Jumped in the "skinemax" sense. Literally she jumped, threw her arms around his neck, and wrapped her legs around his waist. This wouldn't be so funny until another girl who was chasing after her said "...what are you doing? You just met him tonight!" How much do you miss college now?
We all headed back to Jeff's house to late night. For those of you who are uninitiated in the ways of Ole Miss, the bars close at 1 on Thursday and Friday. All the folks who want to keep partying go to someone's house/apartment to keep drinking, etc.
Next thing I know, I look at the clock and it's 2am. I have to be at work in Memphis at 7am. I have an hour and half drive home. This is not good. Jeff said I could crash on his couch. Everyone who was still standing went home and I got the couch. I laid there alone for about 20 minutes trying to convince myself that I wasn't wide awake. I finally accepted the truth at 2:20 and went to my truck. I hopped in and headed back home. I had stopped drinking around 1 anyway so I wasn't worried. I just wanted to get home and go to bed. It's amazing how little traffic is on a country road at 2:30 in the morning. At 3:27 I pulled into my driveway. I'm still not sure how that happened, but I'm quite glad I made it home safely.
As I went into work I was a zombie. I took my first phone call and was wide awake for the rest of the day. I didn't need any red bull or caffeine all day. I was shocked. Of course my sleep patterns have been "off" since that night.
At this point I would like to ask all my female readers to stop reading and not view the next pic.
Have you women stopped?
Ok guys, I noticed this in one of my pics. Consider a gift. I didn't want any of my female readers to see this because then every man in their life is going to have to hear them complain for the next month about how fat their ass is and their cellulite problem and this problem with their self-image and that problem with their self confidence. It's even worse since swimsuit season is almost here.
I hope you have enjoyed this pic of pure college tush. Have a great one and don't get none on ya...unless it's some of that!4/30/2007
Ted, Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K
So I've been slacking on my blogging lately. And I probably couldn't care less. I'm not going to jeapordize my new job by blogging at work whenever I come up with something clever or insightful.
Real quick. Saturday morning I went with the brother and father to help the sister move some of her stuff out of the dorm. There were several bulletin boards on her floor. They were all boring, but there was one that was so damn funny I had to get my pic with. I'm wasn't sure which would be better so I did two poses.
Thumbs Up:
Shocker:
I'm thinking the thumbs up pic is better.
Seriously though, what the hell can I say about this? It's so stupid that it speaks for itself. I really feel compelled to come up with something witty and funny as hell. But what do you say about a board about STD's in a girl's dorm room? I don't remember any boards like that when I lived in a dorm. Of course nothing survived more than a few days in the guy's dorm without being destroyed...except the coke machine.
Btw anyone know where the title quote comes from?
Real quick. Saturday morning I went with the brother and father to help the sister move some of her stuff out of the dorm. There were several bulletin boards on her floor. They were all boring, but there was one that was so damn funny I had to get my pic with. I'm wasn't sure which would be better so I did two poses.
Thumbs Up:
Shocker:
I'm thinking the thumbs up pic is better.Seriously though, what the hell can I say about this? It's so stupid that it speaks for itself. I really feel compelled to come up with something witty and funny as hell. But what do you say about a board about STD's in a girl's dorm room? I don't remember any boards like that when I lived in a dorm. Of course nothing survived more than a few days in the guy's dorm without being destroyed...except the coke machine.
Btw anyone know where the title quote comes from?
4/25/2007
4/22/2007
Lord T & Eloise's "Million Dollar Boots"
Here's a video I took Friday night at the Lord T and Eloise show on my digital camera. In case you don't know Lord T and Eloise or Aristocrunk. This is it. You can also check them out on their MySpace page.
4/19/2007
Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday Recap
Quick note for the weekend plans so I don't have to post again for a while: LORD T & ELOISE AT NEWBYS FRIDAY NIGHT!!! IT'S GOING TO BE BADASS. (or to be cliche'd, CRUNK)
So I know this is long overdue, but back off bitches. I don't have all the free time to just sit around anymore. And with the new job (which kicks ass) I have to be at work at 7 everyday so I can't really stay up late to post recaps of shit. But I'm doing it tonight just because I feel I need to.
So I don't remember what the hell I did Friday night. I think I swam and that's it. Let's just move onto Saturday. I was at Schnucks when I got a text from the Mabeline girls: "what better way to spend a cold rainy Saturday than drinking? we're at the blue monkey". I finished shopping and headed home to take a shower and change. I headed to the Blue Monkey in Midtown for a little afternoon inebriation. This was about an hour and half after they first contacted me (we got a ton of groceries). I walked in and they were gone. About that time Shannon the FD called me. Apparently he had just finished a defensive driving class and wanted to go get a drink at Celtic Crossing (note this was at 3PM). After maybe 20 minutes, Mendi walked in with a friend from Nashvegas. I really wish my camera at that point because Mendi was wearing what she called "Han Solo boots." The only difference between them and her normal Hooker Boots is the heel. I don't get it. We had a drink with them and Mendi's buddy Will. It was at this stage of the day that someone (who will remain nameless) said "He's got some vag down there waiting on him."
After a while Shannon and I headed down to Silky's to meet up with the Mabeline girls (who had finally texted me to let me know they went downtown). We walked in and had a few beers with them. Again I wish I had my camera because it turns out that women in the fashion industry go drinking in sweats. Wait, didn't they ask me not to tell anyone that?
We stayed until about 6. I headed home to get some grub. I had been invited to attend a fundraiser with the Ptolemy royalty that night. It was the black tie/tennis shoes skit party. I wasn't going to go until I found out that it was open bar AND was in Germantown near my house. Sounded like one hell of an idea. I ate a little chinese to sober up. Then I had my first Red Bull & Vodka. The brother and I piled into his car and head up there. About the time we pulled up, I got a phone call from the Shady Lady V who was a main character in the skit. She told me that I too was going to be a part of the skit. Not just any part, but I had the role of the narator. This was about 8 or 9 when we got there. I had been drinking since three with only an hour pause. I told her this and stressed the fact that if they put a microphone in my hand, I'd be more than able to say any damn thing I wanted. And yet they still let me go through with it. So I had a few vodka tonics and waited on my turn to use the microphone. Unfortunately they had a script for me to read. They had a skit loosely based on Monty Python & the Search for the Holy Grail. It was funny none of the actors used a mic and the crowd wouldn't shut the hell up. But I used my best british accent and didn't screw up. Unfortunately I didn't do anything stupid either.
After a few more skits were over, the judges got together and chose the best two while the band played (band = The Plaintiffs; they were great). For some reason some of the judges were rappers or something...I think. The only one I knew for sure was Lord T of Lord T & Eloise who (SHAMELESS PLUG!) are playing at Newby's this Friday night. Here's a pic with Lord T from Saturday night.
Lord T actually was a few years older than me in high school. Funny side note, one of my 8th grade teachers was busted for pot and coke last weekend. Even funnier part was, he never seemed like a big drug kinda guy. He was more of the redneck teacher from Arkansas.
Anyhoo, after the head judge finally stopped delaying the decision, the band cranked back up and everyone danced. Some of my friends got on stage. Including Queen Valet.
I tried to get several pics. Unfortunately none of them were actually worth using. Yeah they were unflattering, but not the funny kind of unflattering. So I didn't use them. But I do think that's a great pic of Ptolemy's Queen dancing.
Satan says "These are Catholics who ate meat on Fridays during Lent."
They walk a little further until they come across a pit even bigger than the previous one. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Baptists who drank and danced."
They walk further and come across a bigger pit that's so vast the other side wasn't visible. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Episcopalians who used the wrong salad fork."
I know that's pretty tame, but that's where we started. It went well downhill from there. I closed down the bar after several rounds of wonderful, tasteless jokes and headed home at 3. So I had a nice Saturday marathon of partying: 3 in the afternoon until 3 in the morning. Needless to say Sunday I woke up with one hell of a hangover. But I knew I had to fight through it and head to the Ptolemy Poker Run downtown with the brother.
After we got down there, I grabbed a bloody mary before we signed in. It was really good, but TJ Mulligans puts this red salt stuff on the rim of the glass. If you don't use a straw, it gets all over your face. When we signed in, I ran into A McCleavage who told me of the comment I made the night before at Brookhaven. Supposedly I told her to put her cleavage away. I really wish I had the pic that Christie took of the table because you'd see what I'm talking about. There's cleavage and then there's CLEAVAGE.
I kept trying nurse my hangover while we waited for the Poker Run to actually start. For those of you who don't know how it works, pay attention:
At the starting point (TJ Mulligans) you are given a clue for the first location (read: BAR). Then you head there get a card in an envelope and a clue for the second location. You do this 5 times until you get 5 envelopes and can head back to the starting point. Of course you drink at each stop.
In previous years they had always used bars along/near Beale St that I'd been to before. This year there were bars I'd never been to: Sauces on Main, BB Kings on Beale, and the Majestic on Main. I really like Sauces (they have great mojitos). I'll definitely head there next time I'm downtown. I was impressed with BB Kings. It's laid out to be a great blues bar. I know it sounds weird, but I've never gone in there because it always seemed more for the daytime tourists. But it's cool. I was already feeling great when I got to the Majestic so we decided to head back to TJ Mulligans.
Here are a few pics I took while we were on Beale:
This is a kid doing backflips down Beale. My camera wasn't fast enough to catch him when he was on his hands, and he wouldn't do it again until we put money in his bucket. I told him sorry, but all I had was a debit card and I was going to use that for drinking.
We were headed to Alfred's when this dumbass in a white explorer/cherokee decided to head south bound on Third Street. For those of you unfamiliar with downtown Memphis, Third Street is one way. There are tons of signs telling you that. And this hoople-head headed the wrong way. Fortunately there were cops sitting at the intersection's baricades and pulled him over. I don't think he had to take a DUI test though. He was just your average redneck old man blinded by the bright lights of the city.
In keeping with tradition I ordered a Diver at Silky's with plenty of straws. The brother got a dozen oysters on the half shell. And I found out the basic recipe of a diver...we think. You take a the bucket full of ice and set it under a flowing tap. You then pour tequila, vodka, rum, etc. in followed by some grenadine. Unfortunately it's more ice than anything. But it's always fun.
So I know this is long overdue, but back off bitches. I don't have all the free time to just sit around anymore. And with the new job (which kicks ass) I have to be at work at 7 everyday so I can't really stay up late to post recaps of shit. But I'm doing it tonight just because I feel I need to.
So I don't remember what the hell I did Friday night. I think I swam and that's it. Let's just move onto Saturday. I was at Schnucks when I got a text from the Mabeline girls: "what better way to spend a cold rainy Saturday than drinking? we're at the blue monkey". I finished shopping and headed home to take a shower and change. I headed to the Blue Monkey in Midtown for a little afternoon inebriation. This was about an hour and half after they first contacted me (we got a ton of groceries). I walked in and they were gone. About that time Shannon the FD called me. Apparently he had just finished a defensive driving class and wanted to go get a drink at Celtic Crossing (note this was at 3PM). After maybe 20 minutes, Mendi walked in with a friend from Nashvegas. I really wish my camera at that point because Mendi was wearing what she called "Han Solo boots." The only difference between them and her normal Hooker Boots is the heel. I don't get it. We had a drink with them and Mendi's buddy Will. It was at this stage of the day that someone (who will remain nameless) said "He's got some vag down there waiting on him."
After a while Shannon and I headed down to Silky's to meet up with the Mabeline girls (who had finally texted me to let me know they went downtown). We walked in and had a few beers with them. Again I wish I had my camera because it turns out that women in the fashion industry go drinking in sweats. Wait, didn't they ask me not to tell anyone that?
We stayed until about 6. I headed home to get some grub. I had been invited to attend a fundraiser with the Ptolemy royalty that night. It was the black tie/tennis shoes skit party. I wasn't going to go until I found out that it was open bar AND was in Germantown near my house. Sounded like one hell of an idea. I ate a little chinese to sober up. Then I had my first Red Bull & Vodka. The brother and I piled into his car and head up there. About the time we pulled up, I got a phone call from the Shady Lady V who was a main character in the skit. She told me that I too was going to be a part of the skit. Not just any part, but I had the role of the narator. This was about 8 or 9 when we got there. I had been drinking since three with only an hour pause. I told her this and stressed the fact that if they put a microphone in my hand, I'd be more than able to say any damn thing I wanted. And yet they still let me go through with it. So I had a few vodka tonics and waited on my turn to use the microphone. Unfortunately they had a script for me to read. They had a skit loosely based on Monty Python & the Search for the Holy Grail. It was funny none of the actors used a mic and the crowd wouldn't shut the hell up. But I used my best british accent and didn't screw up. Unfortunately I didn't do anything stupid either.
After a few more skits were over, the judges got together and chose the best two while the band played (band = The Plaintiffs; they were great). For some reason some of the judges were rappers or something...I think. The only one I knew for sure was Lord T of Lord T & Eloise who (SHAMELESS PLUG!) are playing at Newby's this Friday night. Here's a pic with Lord T from Saturday night.
Lord T actually was a few years older than me in high school. Funny side note, one of my 8th grade teachers was busted for pot and coke last weekend. Even funnier part was, he never seemed like a big drug kinda guy. He was more of the redneck teacher from Arkansas.Anyhoo, after the head judge finally stopped delaying the decision, the band cranked back up and everyone danced. Some of my friends got on stage. Including Queen Valet.
I tried to get several pics. Unfortunately none of them were actually worth using. Yeah they were unflattering, but not the funny kind of unflattering. So I didn't use them. But I do think that's a great pic of Ptolemy's Queen dancing.After the dancing finally stopped, the Ptolemy group argued amongst ourselves as we tried to decide where to go next. We finally decided on (surprise) the Brookhaven Pub. The brother wanted to make a detour home first. As soon as we got there, he said his head was spinning and was going to call it a night. I was not so smart. I grabbed another Red Bull and headed to B'haven. I'd tell you who all were there, but I never took a pic and was pretty damn drunk. I know the following were definitely were there: Kat, Duchess Christie, WR, Shady Lady V, and A McCleavage. There were another 4-5 folks but I can't remember exactly all of them. Christie took pics, but I still haven't seen them. She got a great pic of A McCleavage which justified my comment (more on the comment later).
There was a great country band playing too. Not radio country, but more outlaw country (Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Robert Earl Keen). Someone told me their name, but I can't remember it. I decided to head back home at 2. I stopped at McDonald's to get two cheeseburgers, but the bastards wouldn't take my order. They stood at the window and looked at me while I sat at the intercom. The lights and the order screen were on. The place was still lit. If you're going to close, please turn off some of the outside lights.
I was so pissed I couldn't get any late night grub, I decided to stop at Doc Watson's for another beer. I walked in and got a beer. There weren't many people there because it was about 2:15. There was this one guy at the end of the bar. I made a comment about the bridal party in the corner of the bar who were so collectively drunk that they couldn't throw a bottle and hit the ground. We started telling very inappropriate jokes. I'd tell one then he'd tell one. Then he told this really awful Jewish joke. It was so bad that I was a little embarassed. But he validated it by saying "it's ok, I'm Jewish. So I can tell it." So I told an Episcopalian joke:
Satan is giving this new soul a tour of hell. They come to a giant pit full of people writhing in agony. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Catholics who ate meat on Fridays during Lent."
They walk a little further until they come across a pit even bigger than the previous one. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Baptists who drank and danced."
They walk further and come across a bigger pit that's so vast the other side wasn't visible. The soul asks "Satan, who are they?"
Satan says "These are Episcopalians who used the wrong salad fork."
I know that's pretty tame, but that's where we started. It went well downhill from there. I closed down the bar after several rounds of wonderful, tasteless jokes and headed home at 3. So I had a nice Saturday marathon of partying: 3 in the afternoon until 3 in the morning. Needless to say Sunday I woke up with one hell of a hangover. But I knew I had to fight through it and head to the Ptolemy Poker Run downtown with the brother.
After we got down there, I grabbed a bloody mary before we signed in. It was really good, but TJ Mulligans puts this red salt stuff on the rim of the glass. If you don't use a straw, it gets all over your face. When we signed in, I ran into A McCleavage who told me of the comment I made the night before at Brookhaven. Supposedly I told her to put her cleavage away. I really wish I had the pic that Christie took of the table because you'd see what I'm talking about. There's cleavage and then there's CLEAVAGE.
I kept trying nurse my hangover while we waited for the Poker Run to actually start. For those of you who don't know how it works, pay attention:
At the starting point (TJ Mulligans) you are given a clue for the first location (read: BAR). Then you head there get a card in an envelope and a clue for the second location. You do this 5 times until you get 5 envelopes and can head back to the starting point. Of course you drink at each stop.
In previous years they had always used bars along/near Beale St that I'd been to before. This year there were bars I'd never been to: Sauces on Main, BB Kings on Beale, and the Majestic on Main. I really like Sauces (they have great mojitos). I'll definitely head there next time I'm downtown. I was impressed with BB Kings. It's laid out to be a great blues bar. I know it sounds weird, but I've never gone in there because it always seemed more for the daytime tourists. But it's cool. I was already feeling great when I got to the Majestic so we decided to head back to TJ Mulligans.
Here are a few pics I took while we were on Beale:
This is a kid doing backflips down Beale. My camera wasn't fast enough to catch him when he was on his hands, and he wouldn't do it again until we put money in his bucket. I told him sorry, but all I had was a debit card and I was going to use that for drinking.
We were headed to Alfred's when this dumbass in a white explorer/cherokee decided to head south bound on Third Street. For those of you unfamiliar with downtown Memphis, Third Street is one way. There are tons of signs telling you that. And this hoople-head headed the wrong way. Fortunately there were cops sitting at the intersection's baricades and pulled him over. I don't think he had to take a DUI test though. He was just your average redneck old man blinded by the bright lights of the city.
In keeping with tradition I ordered a Diver at Silky's with plenty of straws. The brother got a dozen oysters on the half shell. And I found out the basic recipe of a diver...we think. You take a the bucket full of ice and set it under a flowing tap. You then pour tequila, vodka, rum, etc. in followed by some grenadine. Unfortunately it's more ice than anything. But it's always fun.
That's all from Sunday.
Wednesday was the brother's birthday. So Dad cooked ribs. Here's a great shot of the ribs. That's about four or five slabs. They were great. I hurt myself on ribs last night. Oh, and there are some left. 
No you can't have any. I'll be eating those all weekend.
No you can't have any. I'll be eating those all weekend.Ok that's enough. I'm going to bed.
Have a good one and don't get none on ya.
4/16/2007
Quick Post
I'm making this fast because I have things to do tonight and don't have time to post the full weekend recap. But for those of you who want a taste of what's to come here's a few quotes of note from the weekend:
"He's got some vag waiting for him down there."
"I've been drinking since three and you want me to speak into a microphone. Do you have any idea of what I'm capable of saying?"
"Amanda, put your cleavage away. I think we've all seen enough."
"I said what last night?"
"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?"
"What, are you trying to validate yourself as the coolest member in your family? You really need to try harder."
That's all for now.
"He's got some vag waiting for him down there."
"I've been drinking since three and you want me to speak into a microphone. Do you have any idea of what I'm capable of saying?"
"Amanda, put your cleavage away. I think we've all seen enough."
"I said what last night?"
"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?"
"What, are you trying to validate yourself as the coolest member in your family? You really need to try harder."
That's all for now.
4/11/2007
Quick Update
This weather sucks. I went all damn winter without getting a cold. Now I get a cold the weekend before I start my new job. I think it's a combo of the repeated use of duraflame in the outdoor chimney at the dog b-day party and the cold wind on Saturday. Well I just finished my third day at the new job and I've had a damn cold the whole time. But it's starting to go away (combo of Nyquil knockoff at night and Mucinex D during the day). So hopefully I won't have to keep using kleenex at my desk.
Speaking of the new job, I'm really enjoying myself. I honestly thought that being at work at 7 and staying until 5 each day would suck, but it's not as bad as I expected. You're so busy that the mornings just fly by. Plus I get an hour lunch and I do whatever I want during that time. My old job used to be 8 to 4:30 with a 45 minute lunch. The people I work with are really cool. It's a good mix of guys and girls near my age with a few folks past their 40s. Everyone has been real patient while I learn the system (which is a lot at once). But the good news is I booked my first load on my own today, day 3. Supposedly that's pretty fast. Most people try to get to that by the end of their first week. So I'm pretty pumped. I would have had two done, but the second guy cancelled (I won't publish why, but it was funny as hell). The list goes on and on about how much I'm enjoying this, but I'm really in the honeymoon phase of the new job right now. We'll see if I'm still this pumped in six months. But everyone else seems to have the same enthusiasm so it's always possible.
That's all I've got time for now. The problem with being at work at 7 is you need to be in bed around 10.
Have a good one and don't get none on ya.
Speaking of the new job, I'm really enjoying myself. I honestly thought that being at work at 7 and staying until 5 each day would suck, but it's not as bad as I expected. You're so busy that the mornings just fly by. Plus I get an hour lunch and I do whatever I want during that time. My old job used to be 8 to 4:30 with a 45 minute lunch. The people I work with are really cool. It's a good mix of guys and girls near my age with a few folks past their 40s. Everyone has been real patient while I learn the system (which is a lot at once). But the good news is I booked my first load on my own today, day 3. Supposedly that's pretty fast. Most people try to get to that by the end of their first week. So I'm pretty pumped. I would have had two done, but the second guy cancelled (I won't publish why, but it was funny as hell). The list goes on and on about how much I'm enjoying this, but I'm really in the honeymoon phase of the new job right now. We'll see if I'm still this pumped in six months. But everyone else seems to have the same enthusiasm so it's always possible.
That's all I've got time for now. The problem with being at work at 7 is you need to be in bed around 10.
Have a good one and don't get none on ya.
4/10/2007
Video
Today at work, one of the ladies brought in a book of fabric for reapolstering (sp?) her furniture. Made me think of this episode from BBC's "Coupling." It starts out with a bit of Captain Subtext which shows the truth of what people mean. The better part is when Steve (Jack Davenport) goes on one of his rants. This time about cushions for couches. Most of my married buddies can relate to this.
4/05/2007
Raifords
I heard a very reliable tidbit the other day that I've been reluctant to share. Supposedly, Raiford's Hollywood Disco is going to close so a condo building can be built there and will not be reopened elsewhere (or is it Hollywood Raiford's Disco). This came from a source in the real estate community. Hate to spread the bad news, but hopefully, putting this out there will prevent this evil from happening.
If you're looking for the recap from Saturday night, try the next post down. Sorry it's long, but if you were there at any point in the night, you know it is worth the time to read it.
If you're looking for the recap from Saturday night, try the next post down. Sorry it's long, but if you were there at any point in the night, you know it is worth the time to read it.
4/04/2007
Saturday Recap
So Saturday was a marathon. It was supposed to start around 5, but I didn't get to the Porter's preparty until 6. The basic plan was preparty from 5 to 7, go to the karaoke fundraiser from 7 to 8, preparty for the Walrus show at HM's from 8 to 10, and then go to the Walrus show for the rest of the night. Obviously that didn't work out just right.
The Porters were nice enough to fix mexican food for everyone. We watched basketball, listened to dogs that never stopped barking, drank, told jokes, and got tasered (spelling?). That's right, Tackleberry had a taser. Not a police issued one, but a self defense one. He asked who wanted to be tasered, but no one stepped up. He shocked his own arm and when he didn't fall down, we were a little less skeptical. I stepped up and let him taser my arm. It's more of a surprise than a pain issue. It's a little shock actually. Now I don't recommend being shocked by one of those police ones.
Well after most of the guys got tasered, people started heading to the karaoke fundraiser. I hate to say it, but it was kinda boring. Other than a few funny people singing, I was ready to head out. Maybe that was because I was looking forward to the Walrus show at the Blue Monkey. But that doesn't make up for the fact that the karaoke party kinda sucked. I have a few pics that I took from the party and a few that were emailed to me.
Here's the Shady Hasbeen. Apparently last year when she was a Ptolemy duchess, she got first place in the solo female competition.
In between songs, I caught the Shady Lady V, Shady Hasbeen, and Duchess Worm hanging out (the night before April did...no, wait, she TRIED to do the worm at the royalty practice. There is a video of it out there but I can't get a hold of it for some reason. Probably because when I get it, I'm putting it on YouTube and here).
I'm not saying who this is, but most of his friends can figure out who it is. I don't remember the exact reason why we took this picture, but I do remember he said that he said it was ok to post online. Seriously why do people pose for pics like this? Thanks bud, but enjoy the ridicule you'll get for this. 
After a few folks sang, Big Poppa Rich got up to sing "Sexual Healing." Needless to say the crowd went nuts.
For some reason he jumped on a chair during the song (btw, he won first place).
Actually Uncle Scottie Too Hottie jumped up and did his impression of Ol' Blue Eyes. He was already in a tux for a party later that night so he figured "My Way" was perfect.
After that, I snuck out to go preparty for the Walrus show. Now the next three shots I didn't take, but I thought were funny enough to include. First is the royalty doing a version of "Beauty School Dropout" from Grease. Am I the only person who hates that damn movie? Queen Valet is the one with pink hair.
Like I said, I have no idea what's going on, but apparently Duchess Worm wanted to pose for something funny.
Here's Big Poppa Rich and Mailbox Mike.
That's all the pics from the fundraiser. 
One of the first groups of people I ran into was my buddy Chris, his wife Frances, his sister, and brother-in-law from North Carolina. First thing the sister said to me was "I hear you can drink. You don't look like much to me." Seriously, if you're in your late 30, have a 10 year old kid, and are a skinny woman, don't call me out. I said "Why don't you get a couple of jager bombs and we'll see just how long it'll take until you're passed out on the floor and I'm standing there laughing at you." She goes to the bar and comes back with her hands full of shots. Unfortunately she's not hip enough to understand the "bomb" part of jager bombs. She had four shots of jager and five people (someone was the DD). She and I took the shots while her husband and brother refused. She grabbed theirs and handed them to me. I said "goodby memories" and downed the second shot. An hour or so later I ran back into them. Guess who was in better shape. 
After the show was over I kept running around from group to group. I don't really remember what all I said or who I talked to because it was crazy. About 30 minutes after the second set, Holly offered to give HM and me a lift home. I wanted to keep partying so I tried to get her to drive us to the party where Scottie Too Hottie was. He said it was a great time. Well Holly wouldn't go for it so we jumped in a cab. Turns out it wasn't our cab but belonged to this couple who were also headed towards downtown. They were nice enough to share the cab with us. They weren't nice enough to stop playing grab and tickle during the entire cab ride. Seriously. Imagine an episode of taxi cab confessions where the couple is making out in the backseat and don't care if they're on TV or not. Then add two more people in the backseat who are trying not to laugh or stare. That was the ride.
The Porters were nice enough to fix mexican food for everyone. We watched basketball, listened to dogs that never stopped barking, drank, told jokes, and got tasered (spelling?). That's right, Tackleberry had a taser. Not a police issued one, but a self defense one. He asked who wanted to be tasered, but no one stepped up. He shocked his own arm and when he didn't fall down, we were a little less skeptical. I stepped up and let him taser my arm. It's more of a surprise than a pain issue. It's a little shock actually. Now I don't recommend being shocked by one of those police ones.
Well after most of the guys got tasered, people started heading to the karaoke fundraiser. I hate to say it, but it was kinda boring. Other than a few funny people singing, I was ready to head out. Maybe that was because I was looking forward to the Walrus show at the Blue Monkey. But that doesn't make up for the fact that the karaoke party kinda sucked. I have a few pics that I took from the party and a few that were emailed to me.Here's the Shady Hasbeen. Apparently last year when she was a Ptolemy duchess, she got first place in the solo female competition.
In between songs, I caught the Shady Lady V, Shady Hasbeen, and Duchess Worm hanging out (the night before April did...no, wait, she TRIED to do the worm at the royalty practice. There is a video of it out there but I can't get a hold of it for some reason. Probably because when I get it, I'm putting it on YouTube and here).
I'm not saying who this is, but most of his friends can figure out who it is. I don't remember the exact reason why we took this picture, but I do remember he said that he said it was ok to post online. Seriously why do people pose for pics like this? Thanks bud, but enjoy the ridicule you'll get for this. After a few folks sang, Big Poppa Rich got up to sing "Sexual Healing." Needless to say the crowd went nuts.For some reason he jumped on a chair during the song (btw, he won first place).
Actually Uncle Scottie Too Hottie jumped up and did his impression of Ol' Blue Eyes. He was already in a tux for a party later that night so he figured "My Way" was perfect.
After that, I snuck out to go preparty for the Walrus show. Now the next three shots I didn't take, but I thought were funny enough to include. First is the royalty doing a version of "Beauty School Dropout" from Grease. Am I the only person who hates that damn movie? Queen Valet is the one with pink hair.
Like I said, I have no idea what's going on, but apparently Duchess Worm wanted to pose for something funny.
Here's Big Poppa Rich and Mailbox Mike.
That's all the pics from the fundraiser. I went to HM's house for a vodka tonic while we waited on a cab to take us to the Blue Monkey. An hour and half and a few vodka tonics later, the cab finally showed up. We had called 5 times trying to get a cab, but they kept saying they were busy. When I got in the cab, I asked if it was a busy night. The cabbie said it was pretty dead. Thanks Yellow Cab. You Suck.
We finally got to the show a few songs into the first set. Fortunately, the second song they played was "Watusi Rodeo" by Guadacanal Diary which was the one song I really wanted to hear. Here are a couple of pics of the band.
One of the first groups of people I ran into was my buddy Chris, his wife Frances, his sister, and brother-in-law from North Carolina. First thing the sister said to me was "I hear you can drink. You don't look like much to me." Seriously, if you're in your late 30, have a 10 year old kid, and are a skinny woman, don't call me out. I said "Why don't you get a couple of jager bombs and we'll see just how long it'll take until you're passed out on the floor and I'm standing there laughing at you." She goes to the bar and comes back with her hands full of shots. Unfortunately she's not hip enough to understand the "bomb" part of jager bombs. She had four shots of jager and five people (someone was the DD). She and I took the shots while her husband and brother refused. She grabbed theirs and handed them to me. I said "goodby memories" and downed the second shot. An hour or so later I ran back into them. Guess who was in better shape. Let's see who else did I run into. I think I ran into one of the bosses at my new job. Not sure because I only saw him on two interviews, but I acted like I knew him and shook his hand. Problem was that I had taken those jager shots ten minutes earlier.
After a while most of the folks from the fundraiser made it up there. Some hadn't seen Walrus and were very impressed. Walrus played one hell of a show, especially for a group that added two new songs and hasn't played or practiced since January. One of the guys who was impressed with the band was Big Poppa Rich. He was riding one hell of a high after getting first place for solo male. He thought it would be a great idea if he got on stage to sing a certain song with Walrus. I know their song list mostly since I've been to a lot of their shows. Unfortunately he wanted to do a song by a band they've never played. Despite my inebriated state I was able to convince him not to just walk on stage. I told him to wait until just before their third set. He didn't know it, but I had already seen a copy of the setlist and knew they were only doing two sets. But I kept him from running on stage. Sorry dude.
Of course Big D made it. And he didn't get kicked out of this bar. Aren't you proud of him.
At the beginning of the second set I started getting phone calls and text messages from Scottie Too Hottie. Apparently Lord T & Eloise were making a surprise last minute appearance at the birthday party he was going to. He wanted us to go, but we were having too much fun to leave. Here's a pic I was sent of Scottie Too Hottie with Mister E.
After the show was over I kept running around from group to group. I don't really remember what all I said or who I talked to because it was crazy. About 30 minutes after the second set, Holly offered to give HM and me a lift home. I wanted to keep partying so I tried to get her to drive us to the party where Scottie Too Hottie was. He said it was a great time. Well Holly wouldn't go for it so we jumped in a cab. Turns out it wasn't our cab but belonged to this couple who were also headed towards downtown. They were nice enough to share the cab with us. They weren't nice enough to stop playing grab and tickle during the entire cab ride. Seriously. Imagine an episode of taxi cab confessions where the couple is making out in the backseat and don't care if they're on TV or not. Then add two more people in the backseat who are trying not to laugh or stare. That was the ride.We got to the birthday party. It was dead. I mean absolutely dead. There were still people there, but Lord T & Eloise had left and Scottie Too Hottie was nowhere to be found. I think I saw Eloise out of costume, but what the hell could I tell at that point. The bartenders at the party were making the drinks way too strong. I had a cranberry and vodka that tasted like vodka with red food coloring. "Stout" doesn't describe it at all. It didn't help my already inebriated state. We decided to leave and saw S2H just before we jumped in another cab. After saying "hey and bye" we headed back eastbound.
We walked into Newby's for a beer. TA handed me a tequila shot. It was that point that we decided to call it a night.
Turns out I went from about 6PM until 3AM. Definitely a fun night. The next morning I got a call from my buddy Chris about 9:30. I hadn't woken up and the only words I could muster were "I hate your sister." Of course I don't, but at that moment I hated anything that kept me from sleeping. Turns out she was in worse shape that I was. That made me feel better.
I finally got off the couch around 10:30. I had to head back home to rally with the family for a birthday party. I made a quick stop for some supplies.
All in all I had a great night. It was one hell of a night to celebrate my new employment.
Songs on the Ipod:
Michael Buble - Sway
Jack Johnson - Do You Remember
Big & Rich - Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)
George Thorogood & the Destroyers - Move It On Over
Big & Rich - Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)
George Thorogood & the Destroyers - Move It On Over
Emmylou Harris - Jambalaya
Juvenile - Back That Ass Up
Robert Earl Keen - Gringo Honeymoon
Jefferson Airplane - Don't You Want Somebody To Love
Dave Matthews Band - Drive In Drive Out
Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea
Robert Earl Keen - Corpus Christi Bay
Led Zeppelin - Moby Dick
4/03/2007
Last Week Notes
I've got a few things to post covering last week before I get to the Saturday night recap
- I have a new favorite deal in town that I thought I'd share with yall. The brother told me about it. Apparently Little Caesars has this $5 "hot & ready" pizza deal. You get a large cheese, sausage, or pepperoni pizza for like $5. The trick is getting there when they just finished making them.
- Have you seen those ads for the Blockbuster Total Access? I heard a rumor about how it's not going to work in several cities. Apparently if your local Blockbusters are part of a franchise, you can't return the tapes you get in the mail and exchange them at the store. Why? Because the tapes that are mailed to you belong to Blockbuster the corporation.
- Supposedly the Brookhaven Pub has had a series of events where a stink bomber has attacked the bar randomly over the last few months. How do I know this? Well one of the waiters explained it to me after my friend got kicked out last week. Here's the story:
Some of my friends were out at a fundraiser. One of them had a bottle of "French Parfume" for whatever reason at the fundraiser. They came to meet us at the B'haven Pub afterwards and he had the bottle in his pocket. Someone asked him if they could see it. He handed it to them and they opened it up before quickly closing it. Our area of the bar stunk for a brief moment. Someone else got a hold of the bottle and did it again. I walked over and asked to see the bottle. I immediately walk outside to chunk it in the trash. Apparently the B'haven doesn't have any trash cans outside. I asked the bouncer where the closest one was, he said the big dumpster out back was the only one. I said screw that and started to head back in. He said he was headed that way so he'd throw away whatever I needed gone. So I handed it to him and went back inside. Fifteen minutes later the bartender grabbed my buddy and kicked him out (turns out he followed me outside when I took the bottle). A waiter happens to be an old friend of my buddy and explained the situation to him. Funny thing is my friend is getting blamed for the repeated attacks while he only did it once. He had just bought that bottle that day. The best part is that the Brookhaven is his favorite bar, he lives about a mile away, and he goes up there about once every two weeks.
And his wife is mad at me for him getting kicked out.
- What else did I learn last week? Oh! Apparently Cougars In Training can't bake cookies. I guess no matter how late into the evening it got, CIT's burn cookies while I make them just right. Maybe that's why she got a divorce. Hmm...
- I just heard that Sunday night (i.e. Easter Sunday night) is going to be one of the best nights on television. Why? The Sopranos and Entourage return to HBO, baby!!!
That's all I've got for now. Have a good one and don't get none on ya.
- I have a new favorite deal in town that I thought I'd share with yall. The brother told me about it. Apparently Little Caesars has this $5 "hot & ready" pizza deal. You get a large cheese, sausage, or pepperoni pizza for like $5. The trick is getting there when they just finished making them.
- Have you seen those ads for the Blockbuster Total Access? I heard a rumor about how it's not going to work in several cities. Apparently if your local Blockbusters are part of a franchise, you can't return the tapes you get in the mail and exchange them at the store. Why? Because the tapes that are mailed to you belong to Blockbuster the corporation.
- Supposedly the Brookhaven Pub has had a series of events where a stink bomber has attacked the bar randomly over the last few months. How do I know this? Well one of the waiters explained it to me after my friend got kicked out last week. Here's the story:
Some of my friends were out at a fundraiser. One of them had a bottle of "French Parfume" for whatever reason at the fundraiser. They came to meet us at the B'haven Pub afterwards and he had the bottle in his pocket. Someone asked him if they could see it. He handed it to them and they opened it up before quickly closing it. Our area of the bar stunk for a brief moment. Someone else got a hold of the bottle and did it again. I walked over and asked to see the bottle. I immediately walk outside to chunk it in the trash. Apparently the B'haven doesn't have any trash cans outside. I asked the bouncer where the closest one was, he said the big dumpster out back was the only one. I said screw that and started to head back in. He said he was headed that way so he'd throw away whatever I needed gone. So I handed it to him and went back inside. Fifteen minutes later the bartender grabbed my buddy and kicked him out (turns out he followed me outside when I took the bottle). A waiter happens to be an old friend of my buddy and explained the situation to him. Funny thing is my friend is getting blamed for the repeated attacks while he only did it once. He had just bought that bottle that day. The best part is that the Brookhaven is his favorite bar, he lives about a mile away, and he goes up there about once every two weeks.
And his wife is mad at me for him getting kicked out.
- What else did I learn last week? Oh! Apparently Cougars In Training can't bake cookies. I guess no matter how late into the evening it got, CIT's burn cookies while I make them just right. Maybe that's why she got a divorce. Hmm...
- I just heard that Sunday night (i.e. Easter Sunday night) is going to be one of the best nights on television. Why? The Sopranos and Entourage return to HBO, baby!!!
That's all I've got for now. Have a good one and don't get none on ya.
4/02/2007
Great Change to a Classic Joke
My Daddy, the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Waiting on a Friend(s)
I'm waiting on people to send me pics from this weekend before I post the long post recaping Saturday night. So hurry up and email them to me you bums.
4/01/2007
3/30/2007
Friday Update
Let's see what's going on...well, I'm not going house sitting anymore. I'm back home in G'town.
What else? Oh yeah,
I GOT A FUCKING JOB!!!
That's right, I no longer have to wait around for my unemployment check every week. I am going to be another member of the employed zombies out there. I've been looking for a good job for 6 months and within 24 hours of each other, I got two job offers this week. Extraordinary job offers at that. Now I'm not going to publish either company's name or which one I chose. But I expect to start working again the Monday after Easter. So I have one more week of sleeping late and being a lazy bum.
Anyhoo, what else is going on? Well my friends in the Ptolemy royalty are trying to con me into attending the Karaoke fundraiser with them this Saturday night. I'm definitely blowing off that opportunity. Why? Because Walrus is playing at the Blue Monkey in Midtown.
That's all I'm going to put up for now. I'm going to do a post later this weekend with all the stuff that I didn't post during the week.
What else? Oh yeah,
I GOT A FUCKING JOB!!!
That's right, I no longer have to wait around for my unemployment check every week. I am going to be another member of the employed zombies out there. I've been looking for a good job for 6 months and within 24 hours of each other, I got two job offers this week. Extraordinary job offers at that. Now I'm not going to publish either company's name or which one I chose. But I expect to start working again the Monday after Easter. So I have one more week of sleeping late and being a lazy bum.
Anyhoo, what else is going on? Well my friends in the Ptolemy royalty are trying to con me into attending the Karaoke fundraiser with them this Saturday night. I'm definitely blowing off that opportunity. Why? Because Walrus is playing at the Blue Monkey in Midtown.
That's all I'm going to put up for now. I'm going to do a post later this weekend with all the stuff that I didn't post during the week.
3/27/2007
Quick Recapping Post
I only have a few minutes and I want to post a few things to recap the weekend.
Friday night I went to an engagement party for Ellie & Tim. Had a great time. Nothing extraordinary worth mentioning. But like I said, I had a great time.
Saturday I got a text message from Angie about the MPact Casino Royale party. Unfortunately I already had plans to head to Brookhaven Pub with the Shady Hasbeen. We were going to have a few drinks and meet up with the Ptolemy Royal Lushes after they got done with a fundraiser. Uncle Scottie Too Hottie, Hanky Panky, MK, and Hap were also all there. Lil L also showed up when he got done with work.
Like I mentioned before the Ptolemy royalty had been at a fundraiser. The theme was 50's, 60's, and 70's. For some reason they chose to do something from the 50's (lame choice!). The girls got poodle skirts and wore these shoes.
Queen Kathryn calls the shoes "blogaliscious." I call them "better if worn with a Catholic school girl outfit." Sunday was Duchess Colleen's birthday so after midnight I bought her a shot. I only bought her a single shot because she takes forever to actually take them: "if I'm going to drink a shot, why not sip it and enjoy it?" My answer is because you shoot a shot by definition. Here's our before pic.
Here's a pic literally ten minutes later after she finished it.
After the Brookhaven pub closed, I rolled over to the Windjammer with Uncle S2H and two of his friends from college. I got a pic of a definite cougar in training (aka CIT, aka Cougar Cub). By the way when did the Windjammer start closing at 3 on a Saturday? I thought they stayed open all night. I've been there until 4:30 before.
Sunday was the brunch for Colleen's birthday. I went and met her and about 25-30 of her friends at Owen Brennan's. The brunch is great there. The bloody mary's aren't though. But I had a great time eating jambalaya, crawfish etouffe, and bacon. Those are great at taking care of a hangover.
Friday night I went to an engagement party for Ellie & Tim. Had a great time. Nothing extraordinary worth mentioning. But like I said, I had a great time.
Saturday I got a text message from Angie about the MPact Casino Royale party. Unfortunately I already had plans to head to Brookhaven Pub with the Shady Hasbeen. We were going to have a few drinks and meet up with the Ptolemy Royal Lushes after they got done with a fundraiser. Uncle Scottie Too Hottie, Hanky Panky, MK, and Hap were also all there. Lil L also showed up when he got done with work.
Like I mentioned before the Ptolemy royalty had been at a fundraiser. The theme was 50's, 60's, and 70's. For some reason they chose to do something from the 50's (lame choice!). The girls got poodle skirts and wore these shoes.
Queen Kathryn calls the shoes "blogaliscious." I call them "better if worn with a Catholic school girl outfit." Sunday was Duchess Colleen's birthday so after midnight I bought her a shot. I only bought her a single shot because she takes forever to actually take them: "if I'm going to drink a shot, why not sip it and enjoy it?" My answer is because you shoot a shot by definition. Here's our before pic.
Here's a pic literally ten minutes later after she finished it.
After the Brookhaven pub closed, I rolled over to the Windjammer with Uncle S2H and two of his friends from college. I got a pic of a definite cougar in training (aka CIT, aka Cougar Cub). By the way when did the Windjammer start closing at 3 on a Saturday? I thought they stayed open all night. I've been there until 4:30 before.
Sunday was the brunch for Colleen's birthday. I went and met her and about 25-30 of her friends at Owen Brennan's. The brunch is great there. The bloody mary's aren't though. But I had a great time eating jambalaya, crawfish etouffe, and bacon. Those are great at taking care of a hangover.After the brunch I was heading home down Goodlett by Audubon Park when I saw this:
Apparently when you get too old for Dungeons and Dragons and get a little money, you actually dress up as medieval knights and fight each other in the park. Not only do they fight, but they bring their families with them to watch. "Oh no kids, look away! Daddy's getting his butt kicked by a bigger dork!"
Apparently when you get too old for Dungeons and Dragons and get a little money, you actually dress up as medieval knights and fight each other in the park. Not only do they fight, but they bring their families with them to watch. "Oh no kids, look away! Daddy's getting his butt kicked by a bigger dork!"Anyhoo, I know that's not a detailed recap, but I just wanted to get it done quickly before I leave. Have a good one and don't get none on you.
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