Hello, Hello Again

When we last left you, I had given you a slightly in depth of a few...well several drunken escapades during the fall. Let's pick back up around the Arkansas at Ole Miss game weekend. Remember our friend who had her 21st birthday and kept spilling her drinks during the Ole Miss v Bama weekend? Well she was a little more coherent and able to use my camera to take pictures for me this weekend. The problem is she thought every other picture needed to include her. I'll spare you the constant barrage of "look at me!!!" pictures, but I have to offer you the first one:
Look at me!!!!!

Anyhoo, we did get our pick together. Here's a few pics of tent regulars.

For some reason that weekend, the music at the tent began to change from a let's party to a more let's dance. And next thing you know we are all dancing. I mean everyone, from my sister and her college friends to my grandmother. We danced for an hour or so. You doubt it? Look even Scottie Too Hottie got down with people.

I did feel a slight bit of apprehension when I looked over and saw Scottie Too Hottie dancing with the sister. That's always a scary sight. We almost need to put up signs around saying "Beware folks, Scottie Too Hottie's on the loose."

Here's a pic of the sister taking a pic of S2H and a dance partner. Mailbox Mike tried to include himself in the best way he could. He gave bunny ears. Nice.

That was a wild weekend.

The next weekend I drove to Little Rock to catch a plane for a wedding in Houston. An old pledge brother who is from Houston was getting hitched to a very sweet girl. I had to be there. For the purpose of this post, we'll call him Bearcat. I've known Bearcat since I was a freshman in college around age 18. It was a blast. I tried to take pictures along the trip. Most of them are crap, but I have several worthwhile ones that I have to share with you.

I took off work Friday of that weekend. Problem was that I had started a few good nights of drinking Wednesday night with some friends. Of course that continued through Thursday night which was Halloween night. I never got any pics because I got all the way to the Lord T and Eloise show at Newby's before I realized the camera was at home. I will say I had a great time and didn't get home until well after 3am. What was my costume? The 40 year old virgin, post-wax. So you can tell how little sleep I had before I had to drive all the way to Little Rock to catch a plane. I did pass several tanks being hauled across the country. Here's a pic:

That weekend Steve Spurrier and his Fighting Cocks of the University of South Carolina were playing at the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville (pronounced "Fa-yaeatte-ve-yille"). The Gamecocks are known for having a fan base who travels in large groups.

Apparently they know puns in South Carolina.

Anyhoo, I caught the plane to Houston and hung out for a few hours until it was time for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I wasn't in the wedding party, but I was invited because Bearcat and I are good friends. Plus I'm sure they needed some sort of entertainment at dinner. We dined at a nice little Italian restaurant in the midtown area of Houston. There was cocktail hour on the patio beforehand. We had assigned seating at the tables and someone screwed it up...I think. Another friend of ours, TR, was seated at the table on the right side of the room while his wife had a seat on the left side of the room. There was a blank card next to TR which I found out was for me. I'm not going to let a man and his wife sit across the room from each other. She sat with TR, and I jumped down at a table where I didn't know anyone. I sat with several friends of the bride (whom I didn't know before dinner) and the cousin of the groom (also whom I didn't know). After a few moments of awkwardness we began to discuss...well, mostly the kind of BS you discuss with strangers at a rehearsal dinner. We started telling wedding stories. During this time, I noticed a slight variation in the group at our table. The majority of them (friends of the bride) were fresh out of college around the ages of 23 and 24. They had switched from their beers at the bar to the wine at the table (I took a sip and chose not to partake in the wine). The rest of the table, i.e. the groom's cousin and me, were older. I am 28, and she is...I'll be polite and say in her 40's. She stuck with her steady flow of Dewars and ice. I had a nice stream of vodka tonics in front of me. The funny thing was the "younger" crowd at the table was getting drunker faster than we were. Overall I don't think I could have had more fun at any other table. I told stories. I laughed at other's stories and jokes. Had an absolute blast.

At one point during the meal I see out of the corner of my eye, the bride's family looking at our table. They were pointing at me. You see, the bride met me once before this weekend at an Ole Miss football game at my tent. It was after the game and late in the afternoon so I knew she probably couldn't pick me out in a crowd. Her family was obviously asking her who was this guy that they didn't know. Which one of her husband-to-be's friends was this? Was he one of the wild ones they heard horror stories about? I turned to the groom's cousin and did a mock impression of the bride's family. I covered my mouth as if I were whispering to her and began pointing at each of them. They quickly showed their collective embarassment and tried to hide the fact they had been pointing in my direction. The groom's cousin and I got a big kick out of it.

After dinner and dessert, the party returned outside to hear toasts and then a slideshow of the bride and groom throughout their lives. It was really cool. After all that, the younger generation divided up to head out into the Houston area to continue our intake of libations. One group consisting of most of the guys (with a few of their wives) and the groom were heading to one bar. A second group consisting of the bride and all her college girlfriends were going to a bar called the Armadillo Palace. Guess where I went? Yeah, a few of the bridesmaids from my table grabbed me and said "you're coming with us to the Armadillo Palace!" So I piled with too many others into the back of a Toyota Four Runner. So here here I am in a suit and tie climbing into the back of an SUV like a drunken college freshman. Amazing how much I had regressed in one night. Or some might say I didn't regress that far. Anyhoo, as always, I had the camera ready for your viewing enjoyment:

At least I wasn't alone when I was crammed into the back of the 4Runner. My question is, do you think we could get a little more smile out of these two? There's too many teeth in that pic.

Bringing the shocker to Texas. I rock the shocker; they rock the horns and show gang signs.

When we pull up to the Armadillo Palace, there is a giant metal armadillo statue out front. Giant as in over one story tall. There was a damn good band playing real country music, not that fake shit that Nashville puts out. Sorry I didn't get a better pic of them.One thing I learned in college is that Texans are a proud people. They love their state. The rest of us love our regions. Texans have way too much pride. Need examples? Glad to help:

A lone star bathroom sink (notice the stars in the bowl)

The bar had Texas shit all over it. Here's a flag celebrating the different countries that have claimed Texas.The only disappointment about this bar was they didn't have a mechanical bull.

One of the things I learned while I was at this bar (besides the fact I can drink most of these folks under the table) was how to two step. Of course I have since forgotten it, but one of the bridesmaids was really enthusiastic in showing me how. Here she is.After a few of the folks were carried out of the bar to cabs, I hung out with bride and maid of honor. I'm not sure exactly what I was trying to get them to do, but they definitely were there to entertain.

After the bar finally kicked us out, I caught a ride back to the hotel with the bride and maid of honor. Of course I had to visit Taco Cabana on the way to the hotel. If you ever go to Texas, there are two fast food places I recommend: Taco Cabana and Whataburger. Both are open 24/7 and serve better food than you can ever imagine. Taco Cabana is what Taco Bell would be if they actually served real food.

We get back to the hotel with our TC and plop down in the lobby bar to eat it. For some reason the hotel's bar closed at 11PM while the real bars in town closed at 3AM. So we had all this food to eat but no libations. I went into the hotel shop behind the front desk to get some waters. What did I find but beer in the fridge. I politely convinced the girl at the front desk that we drink these beers before they go bad. She was kind enough to let us. We opened our beers, finished our TC, and said good night. Honestly, I think I had maybe a sip or two from the beer. I was so done drinking that I didn't need anymore.

The next morning I awoke with a wonderful hangover. I couldn't find a way to cure it in my room. I didn't have any aspirin or anything. I just slowly drank water until I got a call from one of the groomsmen. The groom's family was taking all the guys (and some of their wives) to Armadillo Palace for food, beer, and some pool. Like I always say, "the best detox is retox." We returned to the scene of most of the crimes from the night before and force fed greasy hamburgers to ourselves. After a few bloody maries and beers, the general mood of the group lifted as our collective hangovers drifted away. We watched some college football games while playing pool and shuffle board. The restaurant finally kicked us out just before 4 that afternoon because they had a private party coming in for the evening. As we walked out, I saw the party planners setting up this mechanical bull. I exclaimed how disappointed I was; I had been in Texas for just over 24 hours and I was finally seeing my first mechanical bull. I said I was unhappy because I was probably going home without the opportunity to ride the mechanical bull. The rest of my group really started to laugh when I said that coming to Texas and not riding a mechanical bull is like going to Hollywood and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

That night we went to the wedding, and it was beautiful. The reception was at the Petroleum Club at the top of the Exxon Building in downtown Houston. Here's a view of the skyline including the Toyota Center where the Rockets were playing a game:

I had a great time at the reception. The food was great except for the weird purple mashed potatoes. What was up with that? We danced and drank and laughed. Here's a pic of the single girls reaching for the bouquet:

There were only two girls who really were after it. It seemed like the rest were shying away from the bouquet. My kind of crowd. Of the two girls who were hunting for the bouquet, there was the first girl who actualy caught it. We'll call her the friendly bridesmaid. The other girls obviously didn't catch it. We'll call her the drunken, angry bitch bridesmaid (that's a fitting title for that night). When the friendly bridesmaid caught the bouquet, the drunken, angry bitch bridesmaid snatched it from her, stumbled a few steps backwards, and threw the damn thing back in the friendly bridesmaid's face. Hey! Here's a pic of her not long after that:

She passed out in the chair. It was probably a gift from heaven because after her stunt on the dancefloor, she was shunned the rest of the night. When she did try to be conscious, she would make futile attempts to speak to anyone in the vicinity. Of course her tone had a viscious, angst ridden bite and her words were so slurred that all you could decipher was "hey you." It almost made me want to say "honey, grab a cup of coffee and some guy or girl to help you work out this pinned up frustration. Are those words too big for you right now? Ok, then go get some." But I didn't know her or really care. So I walked away shaking my head.

For the final two hours of the reception, the younger generation had an ongoing debate over where we were going for the afterparty. Like I said this was a two hour discussion. Half the crowd wanted to go to bar A. Then it was bar B. Then some people wanted to go to a club. You know what kind of people you find at a club? Watch the new haircut video again. More than half us were against that idea. So this fuster-cluck continued. After the first hour, I hit a wall. I mean bad. I was tired and I really didn't want to deal with a bunch of ADD drunks who wanted to do this, then 30 seconds later wanted to do this. Now before we left one of the guys from Mississippi showed his dance moves to prove that we didn't need to go to a club, but to a bar:

Imagine Chris Farley dancing by himself and that's what it was like. We all went down to the bottom of the building and after we concluded that we were going to a certain bar, this one girl said she wanted to go somewhere else. So it continued. It was at this point that I lost my patience. I said goodnight to the group and explained that I had sobered up too much in the last two hours to start all over again at a bar. Despite their whining I headed back to the hotel which was only a few blocks away.

I'll spare you the whole story, but the walk to the hotel was interesting. If you've never been to Houston, it's a warm town almost year round. And seeing as there is a good climate, they have a large homeless and bum population. It is not nice. On my way to the hotel, there was this woman about a hundred feet behind me stumbling down the sidewalk. She was rambling out loud, obviously high. All of a sudden I heard certain words coming through clearer than others. Now I'm going to shorten the curse words, but you can get the idea: "GD white boy in his GD MFing tuxedo. Thinks he's hot shit. Yeah F you..." Then she trailed off again into incoherent words. For the record she also was white. I looked over my shoulder to make sure she wasn't right behind me or anything and saw some of the folks from the wedding party driving towards me. They slowed down and drove me the rest of the way to the hotel. I don't think the bum woman was going to do anything to me, but I was thankful I didn't have to walk the rest of the way looking over my shoulders.

The next morning I packed and caught a cab to the airport. I really wouldn't mention this, but I did capture a pic of the greatest mullet of all time:

How awesome is that?

Well that's all I've got for now. I'll try and get another post up soon to bring us to the holiday party season. I have a great video that I may just put up out of chronological order. Actually I think I'll just let that be a teaser for it.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Well Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

In case you haven't heard, here's the biggest surprise of the year. The 16 year old sister of the biggest white trash star from Louisiana is preggers. I guess if you can't take the trailer out of a girl, you probably can't take it out of her sister either.

Yo

I'm going to have some great stories to tell soon. But I don't have the time to do it right now.

By the way, I'm tired of people asking why I don't post daily like I used to when I was unemployed. I have a job and I've been a little busy. So stay patient please.

Oh yeah, if you're one of the many folks who got a call from me last night between 2 and 4, sorry. It was after last call and I wanted to keep partying. Since no one was being a night owl, I had to go to Alex's Tavern and enjoy some of Rocky's wings. But I'll have plenty of drinking stories in the near future. I'll have to do another "Best of" post in the next few days.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Don't you hate it when this happens?

Drunken Challenge

I hereby issue a challenge to all my sobriety challenged friends! See how much of this you can say when you are really drunk. If you actually want to make a game of it, you can use this point scale:

1 point for each item in the first group

2 points for each item in the second group

5 points for each item in the third group

You have to have a friend keep score though.



Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

...

I am at a loss for words. We lost to State after leading the game in every statistical category for more than three quarters of football. What the hell? The words that could possibly begin to explain the levels of frustration, anger, and total humiliation that I am experiencing right now are escaping me. I am emotionally drained. This sucks. At least I don't have to watch the Rebels play football again this year. I'd look forward to going hunting, but that's going to suck too. It's going to be too cold, and there will be no ducks.

Shit.

I think I need a new hobby.

My New Haircut

This is what you call Fan-freaking-tastic! A few guys at work have been quoting this goofball, and I finally looked it up. I hope you get as many laughs as I did. This is like those Gotti kids you seen on the net.

Quick question though: are the rest of us as annoying when we order Jagerbombs? Probably so.

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

So I've been MIA for a while. I know it. I don't really take all the blame because Blogger just wasn't cooperating. I got frustrated and just stopped trying. But I had an early dinner tonight and while watching TV started working on this "Best Of" post. So here are a few highlights of things that I've meant to get to.

We'll start with the Florida at Ole Miss football weekend. SEC football fans tend to back their teams. We back our teams through thick and thin. Hell, I'm an Ole Miss fan who has put up with a lot this season. But I think this guy may back the Florida Gators even more than anyone ever: What do you think? I probably shouldn't have led off with that but it's first in chronological order. Plus it's damn funny and I hope I don't have to explain the pun attached to this.

Next is a pic of one of our tent regulars who came by on her 21st birthday weekend. I'll give you one guess as to which person in the pic spilled their drink four times in a row after refilling it.

No, you jackass. It was her. No matter how overserved I've been at the tent, I've never spilled my drink...more than once.

Next is a pic from when I went dove hunting one afternoon in September down in Tunica, MS. Isn't that beautiful?

Yeah, the scenery was beautiful. But my shooting was abismal. I went through five boxes of shells and shot 3 doves. I found one. Do the math. That's 125 shots for one dove. The other two were weird. The second dove fell into the sunflower plants a few dozen rows away. I never could find it. That really makes me mad. I hate waste. I searched up and down the rows for 10 minutes but couldn't find him. The third landed at the top of a crest in a tilled field. For those of you who've never left the urban area of your respective cities, a tilled field is one which has only dirt on top. The ground has been churned over. In other words the bird landed at the top of a slight rise in the dirt. I saw it fall and another man saw it fall. When I walked to where it was supposed to be, it wasn't there. The other hunter came over and we walked around on top of the exposed dirt to find...nothing. I've never seen or heard anything like this. Weird, right?

This next pic is from the Ptolemy Fall Party (Old School Party) at Ernestine and Hazel's. It was a blast. On the right is Amy "The Fun Sister." I'm not sure who the girl on the left is.

Here are those two again with Beth and her unseparable tiara.

After that party, I packed to head up to Minneapolis for a work seminar. It was a whole lot of classes and a whole lot of partying. You know who were some of the coolest folks I met? The ones from Canada. Not only can they drink but they would say "Eh" and "aboot" all the time. I'd laugh and say "Yall are hilarious. I love your accents." They would in turn reply "Oh my God, it's my first 'yall'." That went on for one long night at the bar.

The last night in Minneapolis I went with a group to the Mall of America. It was awesome. They actually have roller coasters inside. But if my town was frozen for 9 months out of the year, I'd probably build a mall with roller coasters inside. Seriously, how can you justify living somewhere that requires you, due to the severe climate, to PLUG YOUR CAR INTO THE OUTLET IN YOUR GARAGE OVER NIGHT SO IT STARTS IN THE MORNING? Human beings aren't meant to live like this. Is this supposed to be a test of a communal strength? Or are these people so bat-shit crazy that they think the rest of the world is like this? Do they think Jamaicans live on the beach in the sun from June to August before hibernating the rest of the year? Of course they couldn't! Their dreads would snap off sometime around December 27 from being frozen for 4 months straight! That is of course if they didn't snap their owner's neck from the increased weight over that time.

Anyhoo, one thing they do that I thought was cool is a Promotion called "Disco is Dead." That's pretty cool. These posters were up everywhere in the mall.

By the way, people in Minnesota have no sense of humor. They are very dry and not overly sociable. At least the ones I ran into. Maybe I'm spoiled from living down South. But if you made a witty quip, they'd just stare at you until you gave them a straight answer. Before you automatically say 'well maybe you just weren't funny, Philip' this is an conversation between a waitress at lunch and one of the other seminar attendees from Jackson, MS.

Lady: "Are you finished with your plate?"
Guy: "Well, I was contemplating finishing the rest of my corn off the cob, but maybe I'll opt for the dessert plate instead. I think I can lick that clean.

Lady: "..."

Guy: "Um, yes ma'am. You can take it."

Oh yeah, they don't have any hot sauce at restaurants. The only type of sauce they have is A1. And that won't help the bland food.

Ok that's enough bashing of the Minneapolis. They were nice people, but just different from what I'm used to.

A week or so later was the Alabama at Ole Miss weekend. I went down Friday night for a bachelor party. By the time I got to Oxford they were so drunk that they had left the bar, taken the bachelor of honor to Old Venice, and were shoving pizza at him to sober him up. So I left and went elsewhere on the Square. I ran into one of my old friends, Brandon (aka WB). He was the one who called me at 2PM that afternoon when I was still at work to inform me he opened the first bar on the Square and had already had one Jack and Coke. I ran into him with a group of folks at the Rib Cage (a BBQ restaurant and bar). He was good and drunk. I said hey and met the rest of the group. This was around 10:30ish. When I excused myself to grab a drink from the bar. He said "get me a Jack and Coke, bitch!" I said "excuse me" to which he responded "you heard me!" I walked over to the bar and ordered to drinks. I had a vodka tonic and set his drink in front of him. He was in the middle of an animated conversation and stopped midsentence to exclaim "WHAT THE F**K IS THAT?!?" I said "It's your Shirley Temple...bitch."

He stares at the drink, then at me, and then back at the drink. Everyone else starts cracking up. He's silent for about a minute before he says "you know what? I'm going to drink this. And I'm going to enjoy it. Watch!" So I had to take a pic of him "enjoying" his shirley temple with his Muppet haircut.

We were there for a little while longer before going to another bar, one of my favorites from college: Pearl Street Pasta. Of course it was my favorite in college because I knew all the bartenders and would get quick service/small tabs. Apparently that doesn't happen anymore.

Part of the rest of the night is a blur due to double vodka tonics and a whole lot of really fun conversations that I can't remember so many weeks later. Oh yeah, the Jager shots didn't help. Need proof of the evil effects of Jager? Here you go from my sister's camera:

Yeah, it's the return of the shocker to drunk pics.

After they closed the bar/kicked everyone out, there was a lot of drama going on in the street outside. In fact there were three "incidents" that we were involved in/witnessed. Of course the memory is hazy in parts due to the excessive alcohol consumption over several hours (I can't remember the second incident but it had nothing to do with us). But here's the first one (sorry for hazy pics):

This guy who we'll call Napoleon (short man's complex joke!) stumbled out of the bar just in front of us. He was walking near our group obviously agitated about something. He made it vocal at that time. Now I don't remember what the exact issue was, but I decided it was my job to encourage him to find the source of his frustration. I think I contributed by giving him a lot of "Yeah you're right, man!" "I do think whitey is keeping you down!" and other such comments. He (thank God) wasn't catching onto the large amounts of sarcasm I was throwing out there. After a few minutes of entertaining my group with this drunken buffoon (pot calling kettle black!) by channelling what I call Tucker Max drunk, I told him we were leaving and he needed to head the other direction so he wouldn't hit me with his car when he drove home. He stumbles across the street and walks PAST (that is key) this random girl and her friends (she's in the pic below). He turns to start berating her. For the record none of us approved/sanctioned/applauded this behavior. She was just an innocent bystander who happened to walk past young Napoleon Bonaparte. He berated her in string of explatives that lasted for about thirty seconds straight. Almost everyone on the street stopped to watch this idiot. This poor girl stopped dead in her tracks, turned to walk back to him, shoved him backwards (he did in fact stumble because this is all clear to me), and said "What did you call me, you little bitch?" Her friend (also a girl) had to walk this little guy away until the girl he insulted decided she had enough and was about to beat his ass. At that time her friend let go of Napoleon and walked her friend back to their car. Literally forced her to their car. This little bastard stood their while the crowd erupted into a din of shouts directed at him. Most involved one of two things. They either questioned his manhood or told him to go away before they came and whooped his ass.

After he finally stumbled away we stood there laughing. The next incident is kinda hazy, but it involved someone completely not related to the previous incident trying to start something in the same general location as the previous incident but leaving. All I know is that when that person turned to leave, my friend Laura shouted "Run Rudolph Run." Don't know where that came from or why it's funny, but we thought it was hilarious.

The last incident was all me. Well, me channelling the inspiration of Tucker Max (yeah, I think I read some of his stories the week before going down there). This is a group of Bama fans on the bench in front of the Rib Cage:

From left to right, you have guy in Bama hat, drunk guy passed out on bench with Bama "A" on his shirt (can't see it in the pic, but it was there which is what caused me to do what you're about to read), and girl in pink shirt. As we were walking to our vehicles to head home for the night, we walked past this group on the bench. I believe someone said "is he going to be alright?" It was directed at me or my group, but I immediately decided to give my medical opinion. Well, not so much a medical opinion but more of an opinion inspired by Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura. As I walked past this group in the pic, I turned and replied "I can tell you what's wrong with him! He has been possessed by the spirit of Bear Bryant! I need an old priest and a young priest and A HOUNDSTOOTH CAP so I can EXERCIIIISE THE DEMON!!!" We all laughed, but apparently the girl in the pink shirt didn't find it too damn funny. She didn't vocally express her lack of appreciation for the humor I had bestowed on the situation. She physically expressed it in the form of a slap to my face. I paused. My group went silent. I started laughing again and kept walking to our cars.

That's pretty much all the shenanigans from that night. I will say I felt like ass the whole next day. My face didn't hurt but the rest of my head did from all the damn Jager shots. And it was Oktoberfest at the tent but I never really took any pics I think. What I did get a pic of is when the Alabama graduate who was working the replay for the referees royally screwed us out of a great come back win. By the way the rumor that I've heard is that he has been reprimanded so many times over the years for biased calls that he can't even be a ref on the field during the game anymore. Hmm... But again that is the rumor I heard...from a Southern Miss fan. Much more credible than coming from an Ole Miss fan who is biased against them. Anyhoo here's the pic.

Now that's a short "Best of" post covering part of the fall. I still need to get pics from my trip to Houston and...I have no idea what else. I'll try to come up with more stuff but I have been swamped with work and all. I guess I spoiled everyone when I was unemployed for so many months. I had so much free time that I could post whenever something came to me.

Anyhoo, have a great one and don't get none on ya!

And We're Back!

In honor of Blogger finally allowing me to post pics again, I give you an inspirational message to think about over the next 350 some odd days.

Thursday Night

Tomorrow night Robert Earl Keen and his band are playing at the New Daisy on Beale. Best show you will ever see. Hands down. It's texas country so you'd better be ready to have a good time. See you there.

Damn

I'm trying people I really am. I'm working on a "Best Of" megapost covering the last few shenanigans, but Blogger keeps futzing up with the whole pic posting process. I get going and BOOM, "I'm sorry, but we are having technical difficulties right now. Please try again later or contact technical support."

Yeah I'm alive

Barely. The weekend have been full of drinks. The weeks have been full of swimming and working. Need an example of drinking? Here was two weeks ago where I was drunk enough to explain my frustration after another Ole Miss loss. Hey Bama, here's to ya.We'll resume our regularly scheduled drunken recaps tomorrow. I have plenty of stories that I need to go over.

I'm headed to a big wedding tonight. See yall later.

Dammit!

Well I have a ton of great drunk pics from the weekend in Oxford BUT I can't post them because blogger is being a shit...again. It's been like this since Sunday evening. I mean great drunk pics. I could post just the stories, but the pics make the stories. So sorry.

What's that thing next to the old Monkey?

It's the new Blue Monkey downtown!!! Actually more of a revamped Blue Monkey. I found the link to the article on Downtown Paul's blog. So it looks like they'll reopen around Thanksgiving. Awesome. Things are starting to look up. Let's do a quick recap:

-Raiford's has reopened.

-The Downtown Monkey is going to reopen.

-Britney Spears is finally being seen for the whacked out Louisiana trailer tramp she is.

-Notre Dame has a losing football record.

-It's "Oktoberfest" at my tent Saturday.

All is right with the world.

The Brother Punks His Company

A few weeks back, the brother's company did an "employee appreciation" week with a theme of Enjoy Life. All employees were encouraged to submit a dessert with that theme at the end of the week. Everyone in his department asked if he was going to do a jello mold. He said he wasn't.

Now there's a bit of back story here that I need to share with you. It is my understanding that a ton of folks in his department are what you would call "Office nuts." I don't mean the stereotypical people you work with that drive you crazy. No, I mean people who love the show "The Office." Within his first six months of employment, the brother made a jello mold with a stapler in it similar to what the character Jim did to Dwight in the show. The jello mold made it from desk drawer to desk drawer as the brother and his victims continued the joke in good humor from one person to the next. Everyone got a ton of laughs from it.

So the brother didn't want to do a jello mold with a stapler or anything else. He was discussing the issue with me a few days before and had decided he was going to do something simple. Over the course of the discussion, he decided to do an elaborate prank on the entire office: he was going to put icing on a box or two of cake mix and call it a "cake." I suggested that he bake some cookies as backup just in case they actually wanted him to contribute to potluck table of deserts after the contest. He got the cake boxes prepared and did an elaborate job with putting a logo and the "Enjoy Life" theme on the icing.

When it came time for judging, he won his floor, and his cake was put into the running for the best overall. The whole time that this was taking place, he was emailing me saying how he couldn't believe they thought he actually baked a cake. He was having trouble containing his laughter while people kept coming to his desk to tell him how impressed they were with his originality and design. By this point he had told only one person the truth at the office.

Just before they were going to pick the overall winner, he realized that there was a good chance he was going to beat someone who ACTUALLY made a dessert. He fessed up for the prank and explained the situation. So he didn't win first prize overall because he "didn't actually make a dessert." The winning duo got coupons to Starbucks; woohoo! great prize! But he did win most creative which included a prize of free pizza and soft drinks. Hmm...I wonder who got the better prize. Here's a pic of the brother with his "cake."

I'm very proud of him. He did bring the cookies he baked out of hiding to share with the rest of the desserts that everyone could eat. It's my understanding that his dessert was the talk of the office. Way to go, man!

Bleh!

Does anyone know where the hell I left my camera adapter? I have a ton of pics on the camera that I can't get on the computer. This has been driving me nuts for over a week. Stupid Sony card! If I don't find it by the afternoon I'm going to buy another one.

By the way, how are you? I'm still alive and kicking. Yea I had a good birthday on Thursday. Just kept it lowkey this year. I enjoyed it. Minneapolis was great. But I'll get to all that when I can post pics (mostly so I can remember what the hell I've been doing this week...and last).

Later

Party Flyer for Saturday Night

It's official. I'm going to be one of the shot bartenders from 10-11. What's the ratio? One for you, two for me?

But I finally got the pic of the invite. Here's the front and back of it. It's going to be a blast. See you there.

Party Saturday Night

This Saturday night, the Grand Krewe of Ptolemy is hosting its annual Fall Party at Ernestine & Hazel's downtown. The party starts at 7:30 and lasts until...you black out, I guess. There will be live music and free beer (and shots!). The party will be free for all 2007-2008 Ptolemy members and their guest. Non-members must pay $35. Also if past members choose to pay just the $35 entry fee instead of all their dues, I'm pretty sure that fee will go toward your 2007-2008 dues (double check with our Chair Natasha or someone at the door). This is a great opportunity to check out krewe if you've been curious.

Alright, now that I have the official wording out of my way, I can get down to the more important details:

The theme is Old School, or as I like to call it "Reliving your college debauchery in one night." There are going to be soul burgers, beer, music, and shots. The party is being thrown in a former brothel. What more do you want? It's going to be a big time. Besides what else are you going to do? Go to the Blues Ball? I don't think so. If you do, you're probably getting stuck at the back table. So leave your responsibilities and worries at home and act like you're back in college for one night. It'll be worth it. Hell do the full cliche and try to be this guy:

p.s. someone bring a beer bong. I don't know where I put mine from college.

Short Post

Sorry to do a short one. I was going to make this long but I have to run back to the office now to fix a problem. Yeah.

Real quick though, I did my third triathlon this past weekend in Conway, AR. The CATS triathlon. It was a 500 yard swim, 14 mile bike ride, and a 3.1 mile run. I finished it in approximately 1 hour 42 minutes and 50ish seconds. A new personal record. I felt so great when I finished it.

Anyhoo, I have to run now. Adios.

Coupling - Janes advice

Here's teh video, sorry I couldn't put it as part of the previous post. Enjoy nonetheless.

Quick Post

So I know I'm slacking this week, but I'm busy. I've got a triathlon in Arkansas on Sunday and I'm really focusing on finalizing my training leading up to it. I did manage to go out to dinner last night with almost the entire group from "the toe incident." The brother didn't make it but the rest of us did. And the stitches are out, so the Shady Lady V can finally walk around with shoes again.



Other than that, not much is going on. So in order to continue to keep you entertained, here's another video from that great BBC show, Coupling. Here Jane gives a post-coital critique of Patrick. Enjoy.

Double Recap

So it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. But this (hopefully) short recap will be a good example of why I've been so damn busy. (I just finished it, and it is really long. Sorry)

Let's see, my last post came on Thursday week before last. That night I went to Newby's for the Lord T & Eloise video shooting. I had heard they were going to start shooting around 10. I was wrong. Some local white guy rapper named Kaz started out. The crowd was full of your regular Lord T folks and the folks who showed up to be in a rap video. There was this one girl there wearing a tight orange dress. I'll say that she was not the type of girl who should wear anything tight. Between her gut and her bedonkeydonk she needed to be a little less revealling. She was definitely a source of entertainment for all of us around. The real act came on around midnight. Unfortunately we only stayed for a few songs, because some of us have to work for a living.

The next night (Friday week before last, Labor Day weekend) I took it easy. I swam and then packed to go dove hunting the next morning. I woke up Saturday morning around 3:45, grabbed the hunting stuff and we headed west into Arkansas for a dove hunt. We picked a horrible spot and only ended up with 4. We high tailed it home. After unloading the truck, I took a quick shower and had my two pregame beers (one before my shower and one in the shower). I grabbed a quick bite at Vanelli's Deli (I'll post about them sometime soon). Got down to the Liberty Bowl and went into the game with my buddy Daniel. It was a good game for the first half and then the Rebels started to stink it up in the second half. Fortunately our team pulled out the win so I don't have to hear those obnoxious Memphis fans at work talk trash for another year. The week leading up to the game was just brutal. They kept playing the "Colonel Rebel's Crying" (aka the Coach O song) over and over at work. Funny thing is, most Ole Miss fans think it's great. I laugh every time I hear it.
After the game I raced home to pack for the lake. I grabbed my stuff and started rolling. I hit the bridge over the Mississippi at 8:50. I made it to the lake house at 11:15. I was exhausted, but I had a few beers before I got went to bed. The rest of our group showed up Sunday morning. We went on the water around 11:30. Sometime around 12:30 the Shady Lady V started screaming by the back of the boat. Turns out she cut her foot. We jumped back in the boat and drove to the marina. We pulled ahead of the other boats and docked to get her out of the boat and into a car. I grabbed the first aid kit and HM was about to start bandaging her toe for the ride to the hospital. I ran into the marina's office and asked for directions to the hospital. In the meantime this guy walks up to HM and asks if he can help. HM says "well, I'm an Eagle Scout and a former lifeguard." The guy says "I'm a combat medic." HM immediately steps away and replies "man, have at it." I walk out to see this random guy spraying anti-bacterial stuff on her toe and bandaging it up. He was done in no time at all. We thanked him and everyone else who helped us.
We walked the Shady Lady V up to the car and went back to the house. It was out of gas so she and I had to jump in my truck. We got to the hospital in Heber Springs in about 25 minutes. We'd have been there sooner, but there was a stupid tractor driving down the road at 15 mph. He finally pulled off. We didn't leave the hospital until after 7PM. She got 10 stitches. We had dinner at the house and tried to watch Talledega nights until everyone started falling asleep. We got up Monday morning (Labor Day) and packed up to head home. It was pretty uneventful.

This past week I spent time working (of course) and training for my next triathlon. I did go to a planning meeting for the Ptolemy Fall Party at Ernestine & Hazel's on Sept. 29. It's going to be good if the lawyers don't kill all the good ideas for "safety precautions." I'll post more details about the party as they become finalized. But the theme is Old School. I call it an excuse to party like you did in college. But knowing some of my friends, that's going to be a scary thing.

This past Friday I had two parties planned on the same night. The first was the Art On Tap at the Brooks Museum. It had rained earlier that afternoon, so the weather was cooler but humid. I saw a ton of folks there. I actually met a guy who has been banned from the Brookhaven Pub for a year and half. I kinda wish I knew why but I was pulled away to talk to some other folks later. Didn't take any pics because I spent most of the time drinking and talking. If you've never been, I recommend it for next year. It's a beer tasting with every kind of beer that's sold in the Memphis market. I ran into a few guys from work. I asked one guy what he had tried and liked. He said "I'm just drinking the Miller Lite." When I inquired further, he said "well, I like Miller Lite. I only want to drink Miller Lite. And I don't have to walk through the crowd to get another one. Plus everyone I want to see will walk past me here at some point in the night." At least he knows what he wants.
I left there at 7:30 because I had to be on time for the next party. It was a surprise birthday party for my buddies Zac and Matt at Neil's. We had a pretty good time. Zac's birthday is a milestone age so his girlfriend got him a cake with a guy made of icing trying to crawl out of a grave. I'll post a pic later. I run across something I didn't know could exist. A friend of the group didn't know how to use the keg. How do you live into your late 20's and admittedly like beer, but don't know how to use the tap on a keg? Kinda blew my mind.
Unfortunately, I had to head home around 11:30. I had big plans the next day (yesterday) in Oxford and had to help the 'rents pack the trucks to go down Saturday morning. I got home around 12 and helped pack the coolers. I finally said I'm exhausted and went to bed.

We got up around 9:15 yesterday morning and finished packing the truck. Of course Murphy's Law was in effect. We finally get down and set up the tent around lunch time. Nothing really extraordinary happened. Some chicken headed college girls showed up and acted like idiots. Yankee brought the Maker's Tea (I had 5 and somehow was still standing). We ate, drank, and had a great time. I had friends stop by to say hey. It was real low key until right before we were going to head into the game. My friends Troy and Lauren walked up with their baby girl. She was absolutely precious. Somehow she slept through all the music and the rowdyness. She woke up a few minutes before we had to head to the stadium. She kept smiling at all the folks standing around looking at her. She was absolutely precious. We are all thankful she looks more like Momma than Daddy.
The game started out horrible. But Ole Miss started to rally against the Mizzou Tigers in the second half. Out of nowhere we started driving the ball and stopping their offense. It was really cool to see them play like that. I would have liked it better if we had won, but that didn't happen. Went back to the tent after the game and had some more of Yankee's Makers Tea.
We finish packing the trucks and head out around 10:15PM. We hit a line of stopped cars before the Sardis bridge on highway 7. The line didn't finally move until after 11:30. So we hopped in the back of the truck and ate the rest of our fried chicken, cheese, and water melon. It sucked that all the drinks were in the other truck but we were fine. After we finished the chicken. The brother and I decided we were going to walk towards the bridge where we thought the wreck was so we could see what was going on. People looked at us as we were walking towards it and just staring. I kept telling them that we'd bring them a report of what was going on. We got over halfway there when we saw a line of cars starting to move towards us as the cops finally let the vehicles through again. We turned around and started running towards our ride and everyone started jumping back in their cars too. When we got back to the truck there was a line of cars that went right past us, but we didn't move. The cops finally let our group through the bridge. We didn't get home until late and quickly unpacked the truck before going to bed.

So that's what's been going on. Hope you've been doing well. Have a great rest of your weekend. Sorry it was so long.

Songs on the playlist:
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
Coldplay - Lips Like Sugar (live in Paris, cover)
Hoodoo Gurus - Like Wow-Wipeout
Guns N' Roses - It's So Easy
Coldplay - Green Eyes
The Rolling Stones - Live With Me
GNR - Out Ta Get Me
The Smithereens - Too Much Passion
The Rolling Stones - Angie
Coldplay - Yellow
The Travelling Wilburys - Handle With Care
The Romantics - Talking In Your Sleep
Lord T & Eloise - Black Limousine
Lord T & Eloise - Pills
GNR - Mr. Brownstone
The Rolling Stones - Can't You Hear Me Knocking

It's Official: Ya'll Be There

Memphis Music Video

So I hear that a certain Memphis rap group is filming a music video this Thursday night. I don't have confirmation on the details just yet. But hopefully I will soon.

By the way, it's not Three 6 Mafia. The group in question is a very well articulated group who uses words most thug rappers couldn't find in the dictionary. They are are the elite class of the crunk world.



Have ya figured it out yet?

Cat's Out of the Bag

I’ll make this quick. Last night my dad was talking to me about some stuff. Towards the end of the conversation, this little exchange happens:
Dad: “So I hear you have a blog.”
Me: “What? Maybe…dammit.”
Dad: “Yeah you do. (Name withheld until I kill him) told me so. So what’s this blog about?
Me: “Nothing. I gotta go.”

So now I’m at a cross roads. I don’t know whether to change what I do on here or not. But I’ve been thinking about it; when I first started I’d say what I felt and not hold back short of changing a few details (names, dates, places, etc). But as more and more people I knew socially began to read this, I’ve had to drop certain subjects and events in my life. In fact I won’t speak about some other things now because I think someone from work may read the blog too. I hate restrictions, but I’ll just deal with it.

So here’s what I’m going to do now: I’m going to keep doing the same shit. But now I can use this as an excuse to make some of the changes I’ve been trying to work towards. From now on, I’m not going to talk about my plans beforehand unless they’re something big like a big party. If I’m going to a bar with friends, I’m not going to mention it beforehand. I’ll recap it later. I like this idea.

Anyhoo, I’m heading to the bike shop this afternoon to pick up the new bike before I head downtown for a birthday dinner and then a Cowboy Mouth show. Adios yall.

One Day Left...

Until I get my badass bike from the bike shop. I got it off ebay at a "deal-deal" price (most of you won't catch that unless you've seen "Kelly's Heroes"). But it arrived in pieces. I'm not Santa Claus so I had to get professionals to put it together. I'm heading up there after work to buy clip pedals and shoes and MAYBE an odometer. Don't know if I need it yet. We'll see. I can't wait to get it. I've been riding my other bike (Dad's old bike) for over the last week and am ready to fly on a real road bike.

Unfortunately I can't ride it until this weekend. Tomorrow after I pick up the bike, I have to take it home. I'm heading to a birthday dinner and then (maybe) to Cowboy Mouth (I think at the Peabody). Friday I'm on the road to the lake for the weekend. So I'll ride in the mountains of the Ozarks Saturday and Sunday.

Anyhoo, nothings going on tonight, so have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Blows My Mind

One of my guilty pleasures is to check out Go Fug Yourself. They have a great ability to make fun of celebrities and celebrity wanna-bes in their attempts to keep up with the latest fashions.(when's our local Z-List celeb, Mendi, going to get her shot at this kind of treatment?).

I'll admit that I'm not the most fashionably conscious person you'll ever meet. Hell, I think it should be ok to go to a bar in flip flops and shorts during the summer and I can't quite understand why people dress up in suits to go to Beale (not including people who come from weddings or similar functions). Anyhoo, I'm straying away from the point (must be all the sweettarts I've had this afternoon).

So I was on Go Fug Yourself and saw this post. This is the girl who drove me to school when I was in 9th Grade. And here she is. Now she is called "Sarah Jane Morris." I knew her as Sarah Morris who was president of the student council at Hutchison and as the girl who introduced me to Dave Matthews "Under The Table And Dreaming" album 6 months before it went big. I know that now she stars in Brothers & Sisters on ABC but I never watched it because it conflicted with something else on my tivo list. Funny thing is one of my friends here in town (who used to have regular appearances on this blog) is her cousin. But it was just really weird to see her on the site.

Luau Party Recap

Remember when I went on record to say "if you decide to skip this, you will miss one of the best parties of the year" in the last post? That wasn't a lie. It was a fantastic night. I rolled into the party a little later than I had planned, but ran into a ton of folks I hadn't seen in a while. Of course you had most of the usual suspects, but I honestly can't say who all was there because there were so many people that I heard were there and never ran into. I'd list the names of everyone who was there but that would take too damn long. So here are a few pics

Of course here we have Andy, Scottie Too Hottie,The Brother, AP & DP, and me. My camera isn't the best when used at night so obviously she almost cut off Andy.

Here I am with Amy W. I actually met her and her friend Kel Bel (aka Shoopster) the weekend before at Sabafest. But I was so damn drunk that there's really no telling what I said. I'm sure it sounded something like "hiyaniiicetamee-ya."

Here I am with Andy, Anna, and Laura. Laura liked my grass skirt so much that she wanted it in the pic. I have to say that I was surprised that no one was wearing more luau clothing. Everyone was dressing nicely. It's like no one wanted to really get into the party spirit until after they got there.

Here I am with Alaina. I have to say it was a great time and I'm glad I went. By the way, I got to meet Mr Roboto from Nashville. He used to do the Thursday Night Fever blog but stopped. I heard the reason, but it's not mine to say. Anyhoo, I'm about to go ride my bike for an hour. Yall have a good one and get some on ya tonight.

Phoenix Club Luau Party Update

Here is some info on tonight's kickass party straight from el presidente:

- There is a beer truck with 8 taps running. Two free bars, one with hurricanes provided by Owen Brennan's, and another with martini-type stuff provided by Swig. There is also a cash bar for a wider variety of beverages.

-Hog Wild BBQ will be providing food (not sure if it's for free or not, but you should eat before you get there anyway).

- Tickets will be available at the door. $30 a person.

I'm going to go on record and say that if you decide to skip this, you will miss one of the best parties of the year. I mean when's the next chance you have to see Raiford DJ?

Phoenix Club Luau Party Friday

Do you want to see the return of Hollywood Raiford? Come to the party Friday. If you're looking for tickets I have plenty. Email me:

memphisphilip AT hotmail DOT com

Hello, Is Anyone Out There?

I'm boring lately I know. I've been partying. I've been training. I've been working. I'm sure I can come up with a great post, but I'm just making this short. Here are the quick notes:

Tupelo's King of the Hill triathlon: came in dead last. No that's not a typo. Dead last. But I did finish even if I had to walk the final three miles of the run. What happened? I didn't drink enough water and my legs cramped up so bad I could barely walk to the next mile marker where there was a water station. After three cups of water and some serious stretching, I was able to start jogging again. But I was so completely exhausted by that point, I just walked most of the way. I'm definitely going to drink more water before my next triathlon.

Sabafest: Kicked ass. I got drunk. Then I got more drunk. Then it went downhill. If I pissed anyone off, sorry. Other notes on that night: Walrus rocked, food rocked, and people there rocked, but where was everyone? I knew of about 10 folks who said they were going and blew it off. Yall suck.

Couples shower notes: yall are getting old when you start shutting down the party at 10:30. Boo! Thank God, they pulled out the Jager and Gold. Too bad Butter Fingers Robbins broke a whole bottle of Jager.

Ok, I'm going to bed. I know there's more to talk about...wait! I bought a bike. It'll be here Thursday. After doing the King of the Hill's 22 mile bike ride on a mountain bike, I decided that I needed a real bike. So I bought a used one on ebay. I can't wait for it to get here. I acutally rode my dad's old bike tonight for 50 minutes just to stay in shape for it. I'm really ready to get on my own badass bike.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm going to watch the end of this show and go to bed. Night yall.

Sabafest Time Again

Here's the poster. I had to grab it off an acrobat scan. I'll put up a real post later.

Confuscious say "lack of title make reader bored"

Ok, I'm on the water this weekend. If you're in Memphis, go to the Walrus show at the Blue Monkey Saturday. Other than that I'm not sure what's going on this weekend. Btw, I'm pissed I missed the damn Lord T & Eloise show last night.

have a great weekend

Blogger sucks donkey balls

I hopped on the blog. My most recent post about the Phoenix Club party with Raiford wouldn't pop up. I had to head to someone else's blog and follow a link back. WTF! I wonder if it's because I used a long ass title.
Hopefully posting this short bitching session will fix the problem.

Party for white people who can't dance

That's right kiddies! The sensation you never experienced is making a return trip to the Memphis party scene.

Raiford is back, baby!!!

Since Raiford's Hollywood Disco closed, I've had so many people make comments to me about how they always meant to go, but "just never did." Well he is performing at the Phoenix Club's Luau party on Friday August 17th.

Now you could go to the Phoenix Club's website and order tickets, or you could help me out and buy tickets from me. They are $30 per person and the proceeds go to our big end of the year check to the Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Memphis (we raise over $100,000 annually with help from folks like you). So if you want to get a ticket contact a friend who is a member or you can email me at memphisphilip at hotmail dot com.

I should have my tickets this Thursday afternoon so go ahead and start getting your orders in ASAP. I'll post more details later.

"Run along, dear. (smack!) Man talk."

I think I know what I'm going to do Friday night. Ok, so I can quote this movie from start to finish (almost), but to see it on the Orpheum's big screen would be badass. But I don't think I'm busting out the tux for it. Of course I do have to go into work for a few hours Saturday morning so I don't know what I'll do exactly, but this is probably it.

"My name is Pussy Galore."

"I must be dreaming."