Goooooood Morning, Vietnam!!!!

So it's 4:23 AM. I'm having breakfast and about to head out the door for the nice long ass drive to my first triathlon. Let's go down the list of what I need:

Shoes? check
Bike? check
Running shirt? check
Goggles? check
Sunglasses? check
Helmet? check
Socks? check
Ridiculous looking bathing suit/bike shorts/running shorts? check
A completely positive mental attitude and a determination to kick ass today? Not really. It's almost 4:30 AM and I'm out of bed, so let's keep things in perspective.

Seriously, I'm really excited and am ready to complete this triathlon. Again, notice I said COMPLETE.

I wonder if they'll have beer there after the race is over? Hmm...

Yall have a great Saturday and don't get none on ya.

Ugh

I am a little hungover still. Too much fun last night at the Ptolemy Happy Hour. I'll have to post the story later. I'm about to head back to work, but I am compiling a lot of details from my co-drunks so I don't miss anything. The one thing I will say is that it's not a good sign when the bartender asks if you entire table needs to be cutoff.

Saturday I'm doing the MightyMite Triathlon in Forrest City, AR. That night I'm heading in town for a party.

Ok I have to get back to work. Adios

When a door closes...

The canoe trip this weekend is cancelled. Not so much cancelled as no one actually planned it. So I'm going to try to complete the triathlon in Forrest City, AR Saturday. Please note that I said "COMPLETE" and not "COMPETE". That's assuming that my bike gets out of the shop by Friday. Let's hope it works out.

What else is going on? Ptolemy has a Happy Hour this Thursday at Cafe Ole. As usual it's open to anyone to attend.

Also this Thusday, the Memphis Rebel Club has their Annual Kick-Off Meeting at the Memphis Botanic Garden. Special guests include head football coach Ed Orgeron, head baseball coach Mike Bianco, and head basketball coach Andy Kennedy. There are others but those are the ones I'd be interested in seeing.
Details: From 5:30 to 7 social hour and silent auction; at 7 program begins
EDIT: The Rebel Club meeting is next week.

Not sure what I'm going to do over the next few days besides work and the triathlon, but whatever it is, I'll give you a recap.

Btw anyone know of anything fun Saturday night? After the race, I'll want to go out that night.

Insecurities of Old Fuckers and a Wonderful Rumor

Hope you had a restful weekend. I did. Before I continue the spread of a rumor that's started, I'm going to cover a topic that I have to share.

The other day I was swimming laps at the gym. I stopped at the end of my workout and noticed some older guy in another lane swimming. This isn't out of the ordinary. Most people who swim laps at my gym are either in high school/on a swim team or are "older" (read: age of parents/grandparents). I wouldn't have paid any attention other than the fact that he kept stopping at the end of each pool length to fix his combover. Yeah, you read that correctly. He would stop and fix his combover while swimming. I wanted to tell him to just go buy a swim cap, but I laughed to myself and called it a night.

This isn't the only time recently I've seen an older man with a hair malfunction. A while back I was with a family and one of the children kept coming up to the father and saying "Daddy, would you please do something about this? I'm tired of fixing your combover." Literally, the father's combover would start to slide forwards or backwards on his head, and the child (who is my age) would reach up and put it back in place. I can't make this up.

I wonder, why do men of the previous generation feel that a combover is an appropriate response to hair loss? Seriously? It's really one step above a toupee. The only thing that distinguishes the combover from the toupee in the realm of "pathetic ways to cope" is a combover is real hair. Really your own hair. What little bit you have left of it. Only strangers and your childrens' friends will laugh at your combover. With a toupee, even your friends and family members will laugh at you.

I know that losing your hair is a huge confidence killer for men. But instead of worrying about that little patch of hair you're losing on top of your head, why don't you worry about something you can control, like the spare tire you're carrying around.

But back to the original guy in the pool, why would he fix the damn combover every lap. He would literally stop, fix the combover, catch a quick breath, and start all over. It was almost like he was thinking "alright if I fix this really quickly, the cute lifeguard won't notice it slipping. And maybe at the other end of the pool it will still be in place!" Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Insanity is performing the exact same action(s) repeatedly and expecting a different outcome every time.

Okay enough of that crap. On to the rumor...

I've heard this also, but Downtown Paul posted that Raiford is going to do one final party. I don't have the date or location yet, but it's supposed to be somewhere downtown. I hope it's going to be as badass as everyone will make it out to be. I'll post more on this when I get it confirmed.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Great America!

Happy 5th of July yall. I tried to put this up yesterday, but I was having technical difficulties.

I hope you had a relaxing 4th of July. I did. I'd like to show a few things that make this great nation, well, great. It's mostly pics that I've been meaning to post but haven't taken the opportunity, but I'm only using the pics that show great things here in the good ol' U. S. of A.

First we have girls wearing low-cut jeans.

Another great thing about America is George Thorogood and the Destroyers doing "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" at Music Fest.Another thing that makes America great are tribute bands like this one. Appetite for Destruction played at Newby's not long ago. They are always a great show. Here's "Axl" doing the beginning of "Patience."

Here's when the rest of the band jumped in. Americans playing as their favorite rockers and covering awesome American rock songs. God Bless the USA!

Another great thing about America is its other genres of music like country. Here's a few pics of Robert Earl Keen playing a great show at the New Daisy two weeks back. He started with a cowboy hat (never seen him do that) and later played "Merry Christmas from the Family." He even said he never does that outside of the holiday season.

Here they are jamming out during a song after a quick break.A great thing is when you get to meet some of your favorite artists. I actually got to meet REK after the show and got a pic with him. I had a pic from a show a few years ago but DP never gave me a copy. He claims he did, but I don't recall it and don't have it. So I was happy to get this pic.

I hope you had a great 4th of July. Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

What it is?

Hey yall,
Still trying to get my 4th of July post up, but with the problems I've been having, I'm not promising when it will be. Just an FYI

Good Ol' Cracky Top

Came home today for lunch and thought I'd post this for yall really quick.
Found this story online. The basic synopsis is that a UT Football Player was arrested for possessing and selling crack cocaine. That's right, a Tennessee Football player was arrested for selling crack. I said that twice because I have plenty of friends who are big UT fans (I'm talking to you Big Guy!). This should knock ol' Rocky Top down a few notches.

Have a great weekend. And sorry to my UT crackhead friends, I couldn't pass this one up. Here's a little diddy I wrote for you:

Undercover cops went on Cracky Top
Looking for a moonshine still.
All they could find were cheap ass crack rocks
Sold by a Vol named Darrell.

Cracky Top, you'll always be
A drug friendly place to me!
Good Ol' Cracky Top,
Cracky Top Tennessee!

Why do I feel like this is going to come back and haunt me?

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

Wish I Had My Camera Posts

There are two things I've seen recently that make me wish I had my camera on me. I think you might like them.

First I have seen the Germantown Pimp. (Germantown is a suburb of Memphis) I never knew there was a Germantown Pimp. But I was on my lunch break earlier this week driving to grab a bite in Germantown when I saw this man walking...excuse me, strutting down the street. He had a pair of elevator shoes and a full brimmed hat with a leopard sash on around it. He had a black suit with a black shirt and no tie. Like I said, I wish I had my camera with me.

Second I saw a bumper sticker the other day for Germantown High School in the parking lot at work. It said something like 'Germantown High, A Great Tradition.' I think there needs to be another bumper sticker for them:

"GERMANTOWN HIGH SCHOOL, BRINGING THUG LIFE TO THE SUBURBS"

Do you think I can market that?

Triathlon Training Update

Today after work, I swam 1 mile, biked 7.2 miles, and ran 3.25 miles at the gym.

The standard "sprint" triathlon is .5 mile swim, 12.4 mile bike, and 3.1 mile run...I think.

I just need to keep conditioning myself so I can do it in the heat of July and August.

THIS JUST IN!!!

Actually I've known about this for a while, but I think this is the first I've mentioned it on the blog. Lord knows with the giant lack of posts lately, it should be easy enough for me to check...

Anyhoo, Robert Earl Keen and the Robert Earl Keen band will be playing THIS FRIDAY night at the New Daisy on Beale Street. It's usually a packed house so buy your tickets now. (His album "No. 2 Live Dinner" is in my top 20 albums of all time and top 5 live albums)

If you've ever liked a single country music song in your life, then you will like REK. He's more of a Texas country/folk/singer-songwriter with a great sense of humor in his song writing.

I'll be there. So will a large assortment of folks. Not sure exactly who, but I imagine some if not all of the following will be there:
Mini-her
The brother
The sister
Scales
DP and "new mike"
Mailbox Mike
The Uncle (supposedly coming in town according to sources)
Browntown

As always I'll make a prediction who will be there and half will miss it and 20 others will make it. You know what, who cares. It's always a great show. If you miss it, you suck.

A Post with Two Opposites

I have two posts in my head which I am now combining into one. I probably should make them separate, but I have a feelin whichever one I post first will be skipped over. These are important items that I feel need to be addressed. We'll start with the good news one and then I'll go on a rant (at this point I haven't typed it out yet, but I know it's going to be a big bitchfest rant so be ready).

ITEM ONE
I've decided to become a triathlete. I've been toying with the idea for a while now, but that's all it's been: an idea. I opened a magazine from January the other day and as I was skimming the pages there were a series of articles on improving yourself professionally, personally, physically, etc. Well, what else do you read on the can? Anyhoo, I landed on a short bit on becoming a triathlete. My initial idea of a triathlon was swimming 2 miles, biking 50 miles, and running a marathon. Then I looked up triathlon distances on wikipedia two days ago (link to triathlons on wikipedia) and found that there are shorter distance marathons and longer. So after that I made a life decision to become a triathlete (it's not a huge life decision, but it a bit of a lifestyle change). I went back to the article in the magazine and found they mentioned a website that lists all the triathlons in the country and there are a few coming up nearby. Awesome!!! Now I just need to buy a bike.

Now if you want to end reading this on a good positive note, stop before we get to item two. It's going to make you depressed/angry/pissed off.
I warned you.

ITEM TWO
I went to a store the other day in the suburbs to do a little shopping. I won't name the store because it's not their fault it happened. I wanted to come up with a funny nickname so you'd know what store it was in code, but that's really not fair to a place I actually like shopping at. Anyway, I felt the natural urge to sit down for a few minutes and let the Cosby kids go for a swim. So I did the normal thing and visited a room where you're not allowed to bring merchandise for a good reason. I walked into stall number 1 and someone hadn't flushed it. That pissed me off because people are just jerks sometimes. Then I walked into stall number 2 and realized that people are absolute pieces of shit. How do I know that? Well there were two pieces of that person on the floor next to the toilet. Seriously someone dumped outside the toilet on the floor. I imagine this was some high school kid from the cities of Germantown, Collierville, or the surrounding area who thought it would be funny to do that. I want to find this kid and after rubbing his nose in it ask him why he's so pissed at the world:

-Did Mommy and Daddy not buy him the brand new Hummer H3 or Mustang he wants even though he already has a new BMW?
-Or have the fumes from all the black fingernail polish finally gone to his head with the jet black hair and strong lack of pigments?
-Or did he take so much ecstasy at school that it felt good to have only one cheek on the seat and the other suspended in the air?

Enough of the hypothetical explanations based on broad stereotypes of high school pieces of shit. For all I know this could have been a grown man (I'm not even going to touch that one). Either way this person is an absolute piece of shit and I actually hope that karma exists to get him back (Help me My Name Is Earl, you're my only hope!).

The most pathetic thing is he did this in the damn handicapped stall. So some person with disabilities might have had to go in there and see that. They have enough hurdles to overcome and don't need this one too. This was just one of those moments that brings you down and puts a huge lack of faith in humanity in your head.

After I left the restroom, I quietly told one of the employees of the store that there was a bad mess someone left in the men's room that actually needed to be handled soon. She was polite and thanked me for letting her know before wishing me a great day.

Most men have been to bathrooms in bars. Some of your seedier bars have bathrooms where there's pee all over the seat/floor/wall (i.e. any college bar, most bars on Beale, bars in Midtown). But you never see that kind of disregard for your fellow man in friggin stores at 6PM on a weekday. This is just blatant contempt for every other person on the planet. I actually hope that this is something this piece of shit will remember and regret for the rest of his meaningless life.

So I have to ask myself, what exactly would I have done if I had walked in immediately after the offender deficated? Would I have called him out in front of everyone? Would I have taken him to the manager? Would I have actually called him the piece of shit he is and used the other toilet? I honestly don't know. I actually hope I never have to deal with this again.

Ok, that's the end of my lengthy rant. If you wish you hadn't read it, I'm sorry, but I wish I hadn't seen the two Mr. Hankeys on the floor. I just hope that this story will inspire all of us to raise our children with a little more respect for everyone else.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

8 Things I Think I Know

1. Italian Fest is always a bad idea, and I love it. I have a lot of stories. And I had some great pics. But I won't post or tell them, because it involves coworkers. If you need an explanation beyond that, raise your IQ a little and figure it out.
But I will say a few things that involved only me or the general crowd:

a. when Gabby, the Mexican man who manages your office's property, hands you a shot glass full of tequila, you'd better smile and take it. Then be prepared to take another a little while later and forget the rest of the night. It was actually really cool and livened up the party more than it should have been.

b. when someone walks around with a tray full of cut up sausage bites, try one or two. Not 10. No matter how many tequila shots you've taken.

c. the mullets at Italian Fest are just as awesome as they are at BBQ fest.

d. pee before you leave Italian Fest. It's a long drive to the Flying Saucer in Cordova, and the bouncer doesn't like it when you say "listen shorty, I gotta pee. I'll come back and give you my ID in a few minutes after I drain some beer." I wonder why.

2. Not eating dinner before the Ptolemy Clubroom party is always a bad idea as well. The night went downhill quickly after the first few drinks. I also didn't like all the crap I got for not finding a costume. Sorry I couldn't come up with anything in the "Egyptian theme." But I wore flip flops with a cotton shirt and blue jeans. I'm pretty sure that's good enough.
And how the hell did I miss out on the ice luge? That sucks. I'll never leave early to go to a bar again. For those of you that didn't hear, apparently there was a nice ice sculpture that people started taking shots from. Now that's pretty damn cool.
By the way, did anyone come dressed up in a Raleigh Egypt tshirt? That would have been funny.

3. I need to check the battery life on my camera before walking into parties. I went to clubroom on Thursday and was going to take a pic of some of the extreme costumes, but the battery was completely dead.
Oh yeah for those of you who costumed up, I'd like to give a little advice for your next costume party: If you don't have the body to pull it off, please cover it up. For the most part, everyone was very discreet, but there were a few people who showed a little more than folks wanted to see. Be proud of who you are and all that crap, but be subtle too.

4. There's a reason I don't drink whiskey. I get extremely sexy. And I know it. And then I don't behave like I should. Nuff said. I'll stick with my vodka, beer, tequila, etc.

5. I really need to make a quick statement about my working situation once and for all:
I've had a lot of people ask me about it and I appreciate the support and interest. I love my new job. I've been there for over 60 days and really feel I made the right choice. I didn't know you could actually have a job where at the end of a bad day, you look forward to the next.
Now a few things I need to say, I will not talk about the job on here or the people I work with. I'm not going to jeapordize my career like that. I really like this job and the folks I work with, but I won't go into details. I'm sure you understand.

6. I'm going to kick some ass in the weight loss tournament. We have a competition at work among 13-15 people to see who can lose the most weight IN A HEALTHY MANNER. It's based on the percentage of weight lost from the start until the end on July 31. So don't be surprised if I don't go out as much as I used to because I want to win the competition...and the money. I did pack on a few pounds over the last week or so just so the weight would be a little easier to lose, but I tried not to lose too much. I did some calculations at work last week and I know if someone loses 20 pounds it's better if they started around 195 like me (yeah I put on about 10 pounds in 2 weeks for it) rather than if they start around 250 or 300. We have some big guys in the office who are going to try to lose a ton of weight. The problem with that (that I see) is when you first start on a weight loss regimen, you lose some big weight quickly and then plateau out for a while. I was already on a regimen that I am accustomed too. My body is already used to the higher metabolism so I have that in my favor. Here's my plan:
I'm going back to swimming 5 miles a week, and I'll add running a minimum of 5 miles a week to it. There will be no weight lifting because I won't try to add any muscle mass. I'm going to eat my carbs in the early parts of the day and try to stick with vegetables and meat in the evenings. I'm going to tone down on the beer and drink vodka more. I think I have a very good chance at winning this. Especially since most of the folks in the competition are in their mid to late 30s.

7. The Thursday Tactical Drinking Team needs to kick back into high gear. It's been too long since we met up. I feel we need an emergency meeting soon, maybe next week. I'm trying to work on my weight loss regimen this week and need every night since I'm going out of town this weekend.

8. I need to do a 'Best Of' covering the last month or so. I never got around to posting pics from music fest or a few other things that I need to put out there.

That's all I have. Sorry I've slacked a lot lately, but I really don't want to sit in front of a computer after 10 hours at work each day (including an hour lunch). I'll try to work on it, but I'm not promising anything.

World's Worst MILF

So I was checking out Break.com and there was this pic in a picture gallery. I think the title was Bedroom Stripper Pole or something like that.

I thought it was pretty damn funny until I looked at the mirror by her legs. Check it out:

Is she seriously practicing on a stripper pole in her bedroom WHILE HER KIDS PLAY GAMES IN THE CORNER?

What the hell do I say to something like that? I could say something positive about how she's maintaining her steady job to support the kids. I could say something smartass about how her kids are f'ed for the rest of their lives and how they'll need continuous therapy from kindergarten on? Or I could just let your imagination run wild.

For those of you waiting the recap from the weekend, I'll get to it once I get the pics emailed to me for the time on the water. Here's a set of recap hints: Zombies, Art at E&H, skiing nuclear waste, Cordova Flying Saucer, one last drink, Blue Monkey, fuzzy memories, and lots of hangovers.

The Long Delayed BBQ Fest Recap

You don't have to say anything. Mendi has already chastised me via email for not putting this up. So here is my recap with photos (I know at least two people who have been dreading this...more on that later)

I missed Thursday night of BBQ Fest because by the time I took a shower and got dressed after running and swimming at the gym it was after 8:30. That and I "tweaked" my right shoulder swimming. It's fine now. It was fine Friday morning. I did an underwater flip and felt a sharp twing in the joint/muscle area. But we're all good now.

So I missed Thursday, but made it to Friday night. Let's just say it was a great time. Some people wonder why I love BBQ fest more than Music Fest. Here are two good reasons:
Girls actually dress nicely. And they are (for the most part) a lot classier than the least common denominators you find at Music Fest. They just look hotter at BBQ Fest than Music Fest.

Oh yeah people on teams get GREAT tshirts. Like this guy:

In case you can't read his shirt, it says "Eat Me...Bad Ass Friends Cook Bad Ass BBQ." I think it's an instant classic.

One aspect of Memphis in May that many folks don't know about is what I like to call the Bible Beaters. These are radical religious nuts who sit outside the entrance to Memphis in May events (sometimes they are on Beale St too) and proclaim how everyone who attends these events is going to Hell. They never really make any rational arguments. It's more like they are stereotyping us all as drunks, sinners, fornicators and overall heathens because we like music, alcohol, BBQ, and fun with both friends and strangers. Wait, maybe they're right.

Kidding. This is a picture I took of a Catholic arguing with the Bible Beater.

I overheard the Catholic say that he went to confession that day. The BB explained (over the loud speaker his son was holding) that going to confession was not enough to wash away his sins and he would perish in eternal damnation. I'm not Catholic, but I know enough that in their denomination of Christianity if you confess your sins to God through the priest, you are forgiven. This is a classic example of two different viewpoints of the same basic religious beliefs butting heads. Of course if we were Muslims in the Middle East we'd start a war between the groups over this argument.

Wait. What the hell am I doing? This is supposed to be a recap of my drunken escapades at BBQ Fest. Sorry. On with the shenanigans!

When the brother and I finally got into BBQ fest I pulled out my handy dandy list of teams to visit. And then that went to shit. We were walking to one of the furthest teams to start at the far end and work our way back to the gate when I looked to my right and saw Duchess Colleen in her tent. We stopped in as she was promising Duchess AP that she would come see her. We grabbed a beer and headed that way.

Along the path I ran into many folks I hadn't seen in a while. One woman was someone I hadn't seen in about a year or so. When we saw each other we hugged and said our hellos. I didn't say anything too memorable. She on the otherhand did. Since Duchess Colleen and the brother heard it, I have witnesses. She says "damn! You are looking so good in that shirt. Like a lolipop. I want to lick you all over...and that says a lot coming from a lesbian."

Now you see why I won't say who she is. We laughed and talked for a sec before our trek continued. We made it to the Sicilian Smokers tent. I'm not going to list everyone I know on that team. But thanks to them for showing us a great time. I'll get to those stories and pics later.

After a bit the brother and I headed to another team. When we got there, he looked into the tent next door and said "Looks like someone's trying to copy Coyote Ugly, but actually make it Ugly." Here's the pic (sorry for the quality):

I'd say they had cougars on the bar, but they were probably drunken wives. That's one thing about BBQ Fest most of the women you see who look like cougars are actually just drunken wives who've thrown all inhibitions to the wind.

We made it to a coworker's tent in the "shoulder" section. They were playing the "flip cup" drinking game. It was fun, but the badass thing was they set up an A/C unit in case it got hot during the day. They had a smaller tent (first year team) so it was genius. Here's a pic:

We headed back to the ribs section to keep tent hopping when we saw this river boat on the Mississippi River. I thought it was a great shot and it turned out perfect despite my best efforts:

Here's a pic of me with Duchess Colleen. Now you can see my shirt that almost turns lesbians straight:

One of the new things I saw at BBQ fest was a drunk's porta-potty. They actually have a spot to put your beer while you do your business. How cool is that?

I did get a chance to see something weird/interesting. I'm not really sure what to call him though. Fat Elvis is too easy. I kinda want to say he's a cross between Elvis and Don Vito from those Bam Margera shows on MTV. Either way it was a classic moment I couldn't pass up.

Wait! Is he doing the shocker with his right hand? Awesome.

Ok. I forget exactly when this next bit happened in relation to the Don Vito Elvis, but I think it was right before. I was in the tent and didn't see the brother anywhere nearby. I found him outside talking to two girls. I'm not going to identify them...although I should. I'll just say they are two friends of someone I know. (I think that's anonymous enough). Since this happened I have been informed that they were both "very, very, very drunk" and please "be kind, because I know deep down you are a nice guy who will do the right thing..." Whatever. I think the right thing is to tell this story:

So I walk up and the brother says "Hey, they have two questions to ask you." After they debated for a few minutes to ask, I basically told them to ask or we were walking away (I hate drama queens). In a hushed voice girl one said "ok, first question: do you know anyone we can buy some pot from at BBQ Fest?"

I don't know what my exact answer was but I remember it was something demeaning along the lines of grow up you idiots; no one sells pot at BBQ Fest; most people stop doing that in college or when they get a job.

Obviously they were a little hesitant to ask the second question. By this point I really didn't care what the second question was, I was ready to just be anywhere else. Then girl one asked the second question: "(Girl Two) wants to know if there is anyone here she can make out with?"

I immediatly came up with some excuse to keep this chick from accosting either my brother or myself so I said "You know, I hear he's a bad kisser and I think I'm coming down with something. But hold on a sec." I turned to the crowd standing around the outside of the tent and the crowd walking by and shouted:

"Excuse me folks, but we have a very desperate woman here who wants a little shmacky-shmacky face with any guy that walks by. Any takers?"

Everyone looked and went back to what they were doing. I said "sorry" and we walked away laughing.

They charged after us with the whole I can't believe you just did that and in front of all these people we know. We are so embarassed...yada yada yada. It went on for a few minutes until I said "if you're embarassed now, wait until I put it on the blog." Then girl two kicked me right in the shins. Maybe I deserved it, but I don't care. It's funny and everyone I've told the story to this week laughed their asses off. I hope you enjoyed that. Remember when I mentioned the two people who were dreading this post? That was the story. Now back to the rest of the recap.

After the brother and I escaped the Swarming Stoner Twins (I like that nickname!) we headed back to the Sicilian Smokers tent which is of course home of the infamous Uncle Scottie Too Hottie, Dr J, DP & AP, AL & JD, and whomever else I am forgetting. What did we find when we got back there?

Nuff said.

DP introduced me to a few of his friends and said "this guy does the shocker in every photo he's in." That's a great way to be introduced to someone. But I can't make a liar out of my buddy so I did the shocker in my pics throughout the rest of the night. Of course DP had to do one too.

Here's a pic of Duchess Colleen, Duchess AP, me, and DP.

Here's a pic with Dr J.

Here's a pic with the brother and some dude holding a cup over DP's head. I think he was the buddy DP introduced me to earlier.

There are more pics out there, but AP never emailed them to me so I don't know what else was going on. But I did get another shot of our ice luge girl. You can make your own jokes about the tat.

In case you don't believe that it got rowdy at their tent. This is a pic on the ground behind the food serving area.

Looks like he's quick out of the gate, but not much in the long run.

After the cops kicked us out of the park at midnight, the brother drove us and Duchess Colleen to Ernestine & Hazels. It was actually really cool because I ran into these folks from high school who were there for a wedding. I would have ended the story about now because I don't recall anything interesting happening at E&H except these two guys who realized they were gay in the middle of the bar.

I know it doesn't look like much but none of the people we were standing with could believe it. It was like these guys were having some sort of tender moment or some crap. I blurred out the faces because I don't know them and it wouldn't be fair to show them. But if you could have seen them looking at each other, it was kinda creepy and weird. I hate to say it but we sat back and laughed. It probably wouldn't have been that funny if they hadn't realized people were watching them and quickly turned back to their girls.

That's all I've got. I'm sure this is really long but that's why I postponed typing it so long. Anyway I hope you had fun.

Have a good one and don't get none on ya.

BBQ Fest Guidelines

Last year I posted these guidelines just before Memphis In May's World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, or as anyone without a stick up their ass calls it: BBQ Fest. I believe it helped so many people that I'm reposting it this year. Enjoy. I have taken the liberty of updating a few spots (changes in yellow).

Here are my unofficial official guidelines to "Doing BBQ Fest Right"

Rule 1: Get on a team
This is easier than you think. Ask around among all your friends if they have a team. If none of them have teams, get new friends. Or find out if any friends of friends have teams. Express interest in joining their team.

It's too late to join a team now. You should have done that back in January or February. If you are interested in joining a team, then I recommend that while at BBQ Fest ask a team member of whichever team you like how you can join or be brought up for membership, etc.

What team am I on? I'm not. I have friends spread out through about 10 teams. Several of them are trying to get me to join their teams for next year. I will visit these teams (and others) and see what I like. Cold beer, hot girls, and no douchebags are a plus in my rankings.

Rule 2: Don't join a team

If you aren't going to join a team or can't, that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Send an email to everyone you know but don't carbon copy them. Say something like:"Hey, I'll be at BBQ Fest this year and I want to be sure to see all my friends. If you are on a team, please let me know because I want to say hi. Blah Blah Blah."

Don't carbon copy (cc) everyone. Just Blind Carbon Copy (bcc) or send individual emails. The key information that you want to get is
a. Team name
b. All team members you know
c. Booth location
Each bit of information is critical. You want (a) because that's the name of the team (if you don't understand that concept pull the nail out of your temple so you can start thinking again). You want to know (b) because if buddy 1 leaves and someone asks you who you know, you can point to buddy 2. Also the more people you know on a team, the more fun you'll have. And the more likely someone will know the hot girl by the keg and can introduce you (Duh!). You want to know (c) because you can't go to something if you don't know where it is.

Rule 3: Get enough of cash

You will need to buy a ticket in and you will need cab money (see rule 4)

Rule 4: DO NOT DRIVE!!!

You are going to be downtown at BBQ fest and you can't walk home (for distance and inebriation reasons). Get a cab. Or a hot girl to drive you home. What's that? You can't get a hot girl to drive you home! Well then get a cab you wimp.

I recommend a cab down there and back. Why? You take a cab down there. Say it's $20 one way (I believe that's what it is from High Point Terrace to Beale). The cab pulls up to Beale & Front to let you out. Why is this important? Because if you (or one of your friends) drove there, you will have to park in a parking garage or at someone's house. If you go to a parking garage, then you'll have to pay at least $15 dollars to park. And you'll probably have to walk a half mile just to get to Beale & Front where the cab would have let you out. Then someone will have to drive home after all that BBQ and beer. Let's do the math here:
Taking a cab: $40 round trip
Driving: $15 parking and several thousands of dollars in DUI fees and court costs

Rule 5: Pace yourself

No one wants to deal with your drunk ass at 6:30PM, so pace yourself. Eat a big meal before you go down there. No, they don't always have free food for you. So you want to deal with it properly. I also recommend either getting a B12 shot or start taking Super B Complex vitamins (I take them anyway. They help reduce stress supposedly and it's just like a daily B12 shot). This is critical if you are on a team and will be there almost 24/7.

Rule 6: Bring a Camera

Need an excuse to talk to a pretty girl? Have her take your picture with you and your buds. Or better yet take her picture. Tell her you need proof that there actually was a hot girl at BBQ Fest who wasn't slutting around from tent to tent. Kidding that line would never work, but you get the idea. Or just be honest. Chicks dig honesty right? Not.

Ladies, do you see some hot guy you want to talk to but he's too stupid to come say hi? Have your friends take a random pic with him. Sure it's forward, but you'll be the one woman that'll stand out to him for the rest of the night. At the least, you'll have a pic to make your friends who were too cool to come jealous.

Plus how cool would it be to have a pic with you and 25 of your newest friends screaming and cootie brown drunk. (aka "Drunker than Cooter Brown", it's a Southern/Redneck term that means fitshaced)

Rule 7: Be prepared for the mess

Wear comfortable clothes that you don't mind getting muddy. Simple enough right? Look good, but for God's sake, be ready to get covered in beer, mud, and sweat. Hmm...beer mud and sweat...that sounds like a redneck wedding right?

Rule 8: Be prepared to stretch your bladder

There are no bathrooms beside porta-potties. Be cool and don't mess them up. Best bet is always to be at a friend's tent when nature calls. Each team has one porta-pottie (some bigger ones have two).

Rule 9: Watch the language please

Late at night when everyone is tore up from the floor up, just about anything goes. But remember that Wednesday night is for the families (and is not open to the general public) and some people will bring their kids in the early evening. So while the kids are around, watch the cussing, you dick.

Rule 10: Ladies, watch the four letter words

Ok, this one is for the women. Ladies, at BBQ fest, there are no four letter words. Four letter words include but are not limited to the following:
"can't"
"won't"
"stop"
"don't"
Ok, I'm kidding. And I totally stole that joke. But ladies, if you are going to BBQ Fest, don't put up the "bitch shield" please. We are cool and are all having fun. This is BBQ Fest. We don't have any room for your ego inside these 'small' tents.

Rule 11: Wear sunscreen

People bump into each other. If you are there during the day, you need to put on sunscreen. Otherwise you're going to be in a lot of pain all day and night.

Rule 12: If you are sketchy and drunk, don't dance on the bar. For the love of humanity, please don't dance on the bar!

Two years ago, I was with a group and one of the guys had a friend with a team nearby. We went in and had a few beers and jello shots. They had a bar built in a U shape. On each of the three sides, there was a stripper pole built into the top of the bar. There were these hot drunk girls dancing. One of the girls obviously brought the ugly friend. Well the ugly friend had gotten a hold of a few too many jello shots, obviously. The ugly friend wanted attention, so she had her friend and several people lift her drunk ass up on the bar. Let's take a brief pause to memorize this formula:

Drunk girl craving attention + too many Jello shots + dancing on bar + beer and liquor spilt all over top of bar = funny ass fall

That's right, she fell and busted her ass. I heard through the gossip telegraph in the crowd that she ripped one of the following items: her skirt, her shirt, and/or her panties. That makes for a semi-funny story. An embarassing story for her, but a semi-funny one for us.

Rule 13: finally, HAVE FUN!!!

This should go without saying, but you need to have some fun. You've worked hard and have had a lot to deal with in your life. So go have some fun. If you see me, say hi, but at least remind me how we know each other. If you're just a reader whom I've never met, let me know.

Rule 14 (added in 2007): remember things change from year to year.

Between BBQ Fest in 2005 and in 2006, the tent I attended with the best party/crowd changed. I won't say who went from first to last. That won't be fair, and I'd probably be banned. But the team that had the ridiculous crowd that was wild in '05 was tame in '06 (plus a few people I was trying to avoid showed up there). Turns out other teams were twice as crazy and fun, but I missed part of it because I was waiting at another tent waiting to capture the magic again from the previous year.

Anyhoo, I hope this has helped. Have a great BBQ Fest and be sure to get some on ya!

Sad Day...Raiford's is closed

I know I've been missing a lot of posting potential, but I saw this on two other Memphis blogs. Raiford's has closed. Check out the story on Downtown Paul's and CA Mark's. This is an end to a Memphis landmark. In honor of our collective mourning I'll tell my favorite Raiford's experience:

I was home from college one summer. My buddy DP came over and I cooked steaks. We had a bunch of beers and decided that we needed to head out for the night. We grabbed a six pack to last until we got downtown. We went to Ernestine & Hazels for a few hours. After a bunch of beers, I got a call that some friends were "probably" heading to Raiford's. So we jumped in the car and headed there. We walked in and grabbed our 40's.
My back was to the dance floor as I took my first sip. I felt a woman's hand grab my hand and pull me to the dance floor. I handed DP my beer and said adios. When we got to the dance floor I realized through the clouds of smoke and my beer goggles that it was my friend's mother. She's a good family friend also so I knew I wasn't going to be in trouble. We danced for a song or two when all of a sudden she looked me in the eyes and grabbed my shoulders. I had no idea what was about to happen as she spun me around to face the walkway coming up the dance floor. As I regained my balance I saw a man coming straight at me with his fist clenched and pulled back in order to punch me in the face. He saw who I was, and I realized who he was - her husband, my friend's father. His fist dropped, and he stuck out his hand to shake mine. We said our hellos and then he said to get back to dancing with his wife so I didn't have to.
I danced a few more songs and then went back to find DP. My other friends never showed up so we decided to head back to E&H. The problem was DP drank both his 40 and mine while I was dancing. No big deal. When we got to E&H, I ordered two soul burgers. DP excused himself to go to the bathroom. I drank and chatted the folks around us. After the soul burgers arrived, I wolfed mine down and looked around for DP. I couldn't find him anywhere until I looked outside. He was sitting on the sidewalk making sure E&H's wall didn't fall down. I put his burger in front of him, but he did feel like eating (or staying upright). Now in all fairness we were both beyond fitshaced. But we had to get home. As I was the more sober one I ate his burger to coat my stomach in a little grease. I drover us home and called it a night. Probably shouldn't have driven, but I was young, stupid, and in college.

That's my favorite Raiford's memory. Unfortunately there are hardly any great memories from Raiford's. Most involved drunken stupidity...either on my part or someone else's. I had a chance to go three weeks ago and I passed it up. Kinda wish I hadn't, but it's too late now.

Anyone know if he'll reopen elsewhere?

MIA

No I'm not dead. Just really busy and exhausted. I'll catch up soon. Hopefully I'll be able to get that pic of the Memphis indigenous citizens fooling around on the banks of the Mississippi after MusicFest. I hope it turns out well.

The Best Laid Plans...

Last Thursday I left Memphis after work. I had plans to go to the Lord T & Eloise show at Proud Larry's in Oxford, MS. I drove down Byhalia Road to Hwy 78. As I was about to get on the highway I got behind this Toyota pick up truck. I call this "Only in the Sticks."

I know that pictures are worth a thousand words, but for those of you who don't get what I'm showing, these are dogs riding on a tool box in the back of a pickup. I'm honestly surprised they didn't slide off when he turned onto the on ramp. Btw did you know it's bad for your dog's long term vision to ride like that OR with its head out the window? The high winds dry out the eyes and over time that can lead to premature blindness. Just an FYI.

So back to the night at hand. The plan was to go to the show with the sister, Mags, and PeyPey. I was going to leave after the show and head home to go to bed early for work the next morning. How many of you see where this is going?

Fortunately Mags and PeyPey brought a friend Jeff who turned out to be the youngest brother of a fraternity brother of mine. Small world. My old buddy Yankee also made it. I'm jealous of him. He was at Ole Miss when I was a junior and is still there.

Quick question: can I consider this a rush party for my Thursday Tactical Drinking Team? Maybe I should just consider this giving my stamp of approval to a satellite branch. Or should I look at it like Fight Club: they're just popping up every where. Hmm...

Anyhoo, Lord T & Eloise kicked ass. It was a great show and the crowd was really into it. There's nowhere better to see a bunch of white kids go crazy over rap than Ole Miss. I kept thinking that half these kids would be doing the hippie/jam-band dance most other nights but they were acting like it was a rap video on Yo! MTV Raps. Wait, how long has that show been off the air now? And how old do I feel after that reference. Btw, for those of you who don't know the hippie dance, imagine a white kid with shaggy hair and a baseball hat looking at his shoes while moving his shoulders and head side to side and bouncing his body. Another variation is looking at the band on stage nodding and soft punching the air in front of you with the occasional look skyward as the dancer says one of the few words he knows in the song.

I had seen Lord T & Eloise several times, but this was my favorite performance. I just think it was the right sized venue. The crowd was really uninhibited and into it.

After the show we all hung out. Here's a pic with Laura. She's one of the regulars at the tent during football season. I met her through Yankee & WeakBitch just after I graduated.

The sister decided she was tired and wanted to head back to the dorm since she had class at 10 the next morning. I told her she needed to stay because I had work at 7 back in Memphis, and I was still partying. Of course she's smarter than I am so she went home.

PeyPey wanted to go find Lord T & Eloise. She swore they were on the Square at a bar somewhere. So we went looking. Her older sister is good friends with a few of the guys in the band and they played her 21st birthday party earlier this year. We went into five bars on the Square and never found them. It felt weird visiting my old stomping grounds and not running into anyone I knew. Fortunately my buddy Kyle was in town for Double Decker last weekend. Ran into him while we were crossing the street. He was headed one way and we were headed the other so we only spoke for a few minutes. PeyPey and I ran into Downtown Grill to meet up with Mags and Jeff. It was at that point that the chugging began. It was last call as we walked in. Somehow in the span of those 15 minutes, I had two pints of Guinness and a white russian, a "Caucasian" to all you friends of The Dude. Who got that movie reference?

Even during this chug fest I managed to get a few pics. Here's PeyPey and Mags.

Here's a pic of me with them.

So after we took our pics and drank our drinks we were shuffled out the door by Oxford's finest rent-a-cops, Cobra Security. Some shenanigans ensued in the parking lot. One that didn't involve anyone we knew was this girl who walked by us (my friends knew who she was, but she wasn't with us). She said hey to our little group and then walked over and jumped some guy in the parking lot. Jumped in the "skinemax" sense. Literally she jumped, threw her arms around his neck, and wrapped her legs around his waist. This wouldn't be so funny until another girl who was chasing after her said "...what are you doing? You just met him tonight!"

How much do you miss college now?

We all headed back to Jeff's house to late night. For those of you who are uninitiated in the ways of Ole Miss, the bars close at 1 on Thursday and Friday. All the folks who want to keep partying go to someone's house/apartment to keep drinking, etc.

Next thing I know, I look at the clock and it's 2am. I have to be at work in Memphis at 7am. I have an hour and half drive home. This is not good. Jeff said I could crash on his couch. Everyone who was still standing went home and I got the couch. I laid there alone for about 20 minutes trying to convince myself that I wasn't wide awake. I finally accepted the truth at 2:20 and went to my truck. I hopped in and headed back home. I had stopped drinking around 1 anyway so I wasn't worried. I just wanted to get home and go to bed. It's amazing how little traffic is on a country road at 2:30 in the morning. At 3:27 I pulled into my driveway. I'm still not sure how that happened, but I'm quite glad I made it home safely.

As I went into work I was a zombie. I took my first phone call and was wide awake for the rest of the day. I didn't need any red bull or caffeine all day. I was shocked. Of course my sleep patterns have been "off" since that night.

At this point I would like to ask all my female readers to stop reading and not view the next pic.

Have you women stopped?

Ok guys, I noticed this in one of my pics. Consider a gift. I didn't want any of my female readers to see this because then every man in their life is going to have to hear them complain for the next month about how fat their ass is and their cellulite problem and this problem with their self-image and that problem with their self confidence. It's even worse since swimsuit season is almost here.

I hope you have enjoyed this pic of pure college tush. Have a great one and don't get none on ya...unless it's some of that!

Ted, Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

So I've been slacking on my blogging lately. And I probably couldn't care less. I'm not going to jeapordize my new job by blogging at work whenever I come up with something clever or insightful.

Real quick. Saturday morning I went with the brother and father to help the sister move some of her stuff out of the dorm. There were several bulletin boards on her floor. They were all boring, but there was one that was so damn funny I had to get my pic with. I'm wasn't sure which would be better so I did two poses.

Thumbs Up:Shocker:I'm thinking the thumbs up pic is better.

Seriously though, what the hell can I say about this? It's so stupid that it speaks for itself. I really feel compelled to come up with something witty and funny as hell. But what do you say about a board about STD's in a girl's dorm room? I don't remember any boards like that when I lived in a dorm. Of course nothing survived more than a few days in the guy's dorm without being destroyed...except the coke machine.

Btw anyone know where the title quote comes from?

Hmm...

Does it make you a bad person to honk your horn as you drive through a "Deaf Child" area?